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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get involved - banned from driving

364 replies

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 10:37

NC for this. It's more of a WWYD.

My friend has had a problem with alcohol for years. She drinks a lot. A few months ago she was pulled over and was found to be over the limit. She was rightly prosecuted, and recently received a 9 month ban.

She needs to be able to drive for her work (carer). She has decided to not tell her work and continue driving as if the ban didn't happen. I have told her this is a stupid idea and utterly reckless, but she's not listening to me and thinks the chances of her getting found out are slim.

The liklihood of her losing her job are high if they know about the ban. She is continuing to drive her small children around as well as for work.

I had hoped that this incident would have been the kick up the arse she needed to get help for the drinking and sort her life out - apparently not.

What on earth do I do? Say something? Keep schtum? I'm out of ideas.

OP posts:
BlueYazoo · 22/01/2022 20:38

@Sonex

I'm not even sure you need to report her (though you should), as soon as she drives on the motorway or in a built up area she will be picked up and flagged to police by ANPR as a banned (and insured) driver driving - unless there is someone else on the insurance maybe?

Does she realsie she will get a prison sentence when they catch her?

Not true. They don’t ban the car! She could have sold it, someone else could be driving it on their own Third Party insurance if she keeps in insured. A named driver could have been added. Lots of possibilities. Cars don’t get flagged for this type of thing. Imagine buying a car that had been owned by someone being banned - how fed up would you be after a few months!!!
StarbucksSmarterSister · 22/01/2022 20:40

Do not report, keep ur lips shut and mind ur business

FFS.

girlmom21 · 22/01/2022 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for repeating a deleted post.

MuddlingThrough1724 · 22/01/2022 20:52

You can (and should) report, and you can report anonymously online too. I did this when a family at childcare quite obviously weren't using a car seat for their child and the driver was also driving unsafe at the same time - there was a pcso there a day or two later to check out the situation.

JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue · 22/01/2022 20:53

There’s absolutely no point in reporting this to the police as a sort of general “this is happening” type thing. They’d have to find evidence.

You need to wait until she is actually in her car, then call 999 and report it as a crime actually taking place - details of her, the car, the route etc so they can actually try to catch her in the act.

Justtobeclear · 22/01/2022 20:54

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. One of the (many) problems with functioning alcoholics is that they are extremely selfish and don’t relate their actions to consequences because then they’d have to face their addiction and the problems it creates. I hope she realises in time you did the best thing for her and her children but having lived with a alcoholic and seen recoveries I’m afraid it’s highly unlikely she will. Just be proud that you’ve done the right thing!

NoRaceInThisHorse · 22/01/2022 21:12

My initial thoughts were to turn her in, but I didn't want to be the one who lost her her job and potentially 'ruined' her life

You won't be, she's done that herself.
I have every sympathy with her addiction, but she'll be worse off if she gets in an accident and has more severe consequences than a ban.
If you want you could phone her employers- presumably they provide her insurance while she's on shift.
I honestly wouldn't see this as interfering. You are protecting her, her children and other people she may encounter.

NoRaceInThisHorse · 22/01/2022 21:14

@TwuntyFriend

To all of those who've lost loved ones because of drink drivers, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Update: I called her and again expressed my concerns. She was adamant that she wouldn't get caught and it would be 'ok'. I told her that she needed help for her drinking, and if she decided to face those demons today I would help and support her every step of the way. I also told her that if she chose to continue driving I would have no choice but to report her to her work and the police.
As expected, she told me I wasn't her friend and I would be ruining her children's lives if I did that. That was the end of the conversation.

So I've reported her on 101, and I've told her workplace the situation and that she needs additional support. I also sent her a message telling her that I will be here for her when she's ready to face the challenges ahead.

For now sadly our friendship is over, but I truly hope she comes through this and that her children are ok.

Yous round like a good and true friend, OP, and I hope your friend realises that one day.
Bertiebiscuit · 22/01/2022 22:04

Are you insane - report her immediately or you are just as bad as her

RampantIvy · 22/01/2022 22:06

She has @Bertiebiscuit

AnnieSnap · 22/01/2022 22:18

@AnotherSillawithanS

Wow, you're going to call her work.

Christ, who needs enemies with friends like you.

Have you even considered the consequences of what this woman (not the OP) is doing. She drinks and drives. She has no licence because she has been banned for drinking and driving and therefore has no insurance 🤷‍♀️🙄
MammaMacgill87 · 22/01/2022 22:42

The problem is also bigger than driving on a ban, she's an alcoholic in charge of children and you've said she's a carer too. So ontop of driving illegally, putting her kids in danger with no tax or insurance or license, she's also caring for vulnerable people whilst possibly at the very least really hung over. None of that is good news at all. I'd be calling the police for advice and repeating what you've said here, she's not safe to be on the road or in her job it' sounds, as for parenting I'm not too sure there either. By her admitting all this to you, you're sort of enabling her by keeping it all secret. Ultimately can you live with someones blood on your hands if something happens and you've known? I couldn't

AnnieSnap · 22/01/2022 23:02

@MammaMacgill87 the OP has reported the situation

GrannytoaUnicorn · 22/01/2022 23:03

@TwuntyFriend Not read the full thread so apologies if already reported. However if not, just remember - the repercussions to her innocent children will be much less if you report her now than if something happens or she is found out at a later date. She will be sent to prison.....

eastegg · 22/01/2022 23:04

@AmandaHoldensLips

With a 9 month ban, you're obviously not in the UK.
Well it is a 12 month minimum in England, but she may have elected to do a course which reduces it and she’s telling OP the reduced amount, or there may have been delays before sentencing during which an interim ban was running and she’s talking about how much time the ban has to run.

Also the Uk doesn’t have a unified legal system. Scotland is completely separate from England and Wales.

eastegg · 22/01/2022 23:06

I’ve read your updates OP. I think you’ve done a good thing.

Briony123 · 22/01/2022 23:07

She's driving uninsured. Even if she isn't drinking, driving uninsured is unforgivable.

eastegg · 22/01/2022 23:11

@EmpressCixi

I would not report her. Unless you plan to end the friendship. If she is likely to be caught, let her be caught. Id only report her if she drink drove again...I’d report that. But defying a driving ban isn’t technically endangering anyone so long as she is driving sober.

If you want to help her, try and via the network of all her friends and family sort out lifts to/from work and for her children to school.

I understand why the ban people caught drink driving from driving, but when you are a single parent and you need to drive to work and to take children to school, it is a punishment that can literally make you destitute, possibly homeless and also punishes her innocent children. Reporting would just make it worse.

So either stay quiet or help her abide by the ban and not lose her job or her children end up out of school.

You sound very relaxed about disqualified drivers. Remember they are also uninsured. No harm done when one of them causes an accident?
eastegg · 22/01/2022 23:12

Also it’s naive to think she isn’t drink driving.

Grrrrdarling · 22/01/2022 23:17

She brought this situation on herself & now needs to deal with the consequences of her irresponsible actions.

You sit her down & tell her straight that she is god damn lucky she didn’t kill someone, herself included, that she needed to be responsible for her own actions & that this is her opportunity to learn from her mistake not make a bigger one.
If she doesn’t take that on board I’d take her car keys & if she does manage to drive, illegally because she won’t be insured with no licence, I’d call the police & tell them what her working hours & vehicle details are.
You are doing her a favour by potentially saving her life because guaranteed she will be over the limit again while uninsured.

Notusuallydown · 22/01/2022 23:28

Well done OP, a difficult thing to do.

I worked with families of drug and alcohol users, it's the families who suffer. I would be very inclined to let the school know. A mother who drinks, and is so oblivious of the consequences could be endangering them in other ways, even if not actually driving them round.

Mamanyt · 23/01/2022 00:11

Report her to both the police and her work. You will not be responsible for her "losing her job and ruining her life," she will be utterly responsible for doing that.

Graphista · 23/01/2022 00:55

Well done op that must have been hard - but necessary

Personally I think drunk drivers should be banned for life and if the car is solely theirs it should be removed, sold and the proceeds given to the victims and their families.

I also think it should be made an offence to knowingly make a vehicle available to a banned driver.

The only person ruining her life is her!

I wouldn't care about ending the friendship I wouldn't want to be friends with her

FedoraKeys · 23/01/2022 01:25

Why do you want to report her, when you only have this information, because you're supposedly her friend. Do you have some underlying issue with her, that you're keen to get her into trouble, while justifying your actions to salve your conscience . If she normally drives sober, your betrayal will affect her kids schooling. Losing her job could cause serious depression. Think of something else if you're really a friend !. Everybody instigating your betrayal is conveniently anonymous.

swampygirl · 23/01/2022 01:48

How has your friend kept her job? An alcoholic working as a carer, surely one of her clients must have smelt stale alcohol on her. It would get the attention of her boss at some point surely?
She is risking her own life, her children's lives and members of the public
too.
You need to be cruel to be kind on this one, she needs reporting asap.