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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get involved - banned from driving

364 replies

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 10:37

NC for this. It's more of a WWYD.

My friend has had a problem with alcohol for years. She drinks a lot. A few months ago she was pulled over and was found to be over the limit. She was rightly prosecuted, and recently received a 9 month ban.

She needs to be able to drive for her work (carer). She has decided to not tell her work and continue driving as if the ban didn't happen. I have told her this is a stupid idea and utterly reckless, but she's not listening to me and thinks the chances of her getting found out are slim.

The liklihood of her losing her job are high if they know about the ban. She is continuing to drive her small children around as well as for work.

I had hoped that this incident would have been the kick up the arse she needed to get help for the drinking and sort her life out - apparently not.

What on earth do I do? Say something? Keep schtum? I'm out of ideas.

OP posts:
EsmeraldaandTeenytiny · 21/01/2022 15:25

Well done. The hardest thing but the right thing Flowers

Dixiechickonhols · 21/01/2022 15:26

If you are worried re the children it might also be worth contacting school so they can keep an eye on things.

Wombat98 · 21/01/2022 15:26

Very brave, not many of us would be that direct. At least she'll know who reported her, rather than wondering. Knowing the consequences of driving uninsured, both physical and financial, never mind the drinking, it's for the best. It could be a whole lot worse.

Original poster
TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 15:32

Thank you everyone - it's nice being reassured about something so difficult.

I hope one day she realises that it came from a place of love, and not malicious intent. I really would have done anything to avoid having to personally report her - but I'm the only person who knows about her situation.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/01/2022 15:45

You've done the right thing, OP, but then I'm sure you know that - and anyway after her latest response you had little choice

I also liked the bit about being there for her when she's ready to face things, but wouldn't hold your breath frankly
Let's just hope the police actually do something about this, but at least it's out of your hands now

LookItsMeAgain · 21/01/2022 15:49

agree 100% with @Puzzledandpissedoff. Well done @TwuntyFriend. You most definitely have done the right thing here.
Your 'friend' may not think so at the moment but you have.

KittyKattyFosterMummy · 21/01/2022 16:04

@TwuntyFriend
Well done, thank you, you have absolutely, unequivocally, done the right thing. Hopefully in time, when she has sorted herself out, she will realise what a good friend you actually are. But even if SHE doesn't, WE do/ And quite possibly, there is someone out there who gets to live a long and happy life, blissfully unaware that if you hadn't been incredibly brave and reported your friend, their life and the lives of their loved ones might have been shattered.

FusionChefGeoff · 21/01/2022 16:09

I'm an alcoholic in recovery.

Everyone needs to hit their rock bottom before they admit the problem and seek help. Every time someone bails you out, it takes longer to hit this low.

If it's any consolation, you reporting her could be the catalyst to a more life changing consequence (loosing job / social work involvement etc) which could be her rock bottom. Which ultimately then leads to recovery. So don't feel bad - for alcoholics in denial things have to get worse before they can get better.

user1496146479 · 21/01/2022 16:19

@waterlego

What goes around comes around

So, if I report someone for breaking the law, I should also expect to be reported if I break the law? Seems fair enough. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don't break the law then! Hmm Most of us manage not too
CailleachGranda · 21/01/2022 16:22

That took guts OP but you have absolutely done the right thing

You sound like a lovely friend and hopefully she'll eventually realise that

Mammma91 · 21/01/2022 16:30

Call the police and report her. She isn’t taking the ban seriously so I highly doubt she’s getting help for her alcoholism. She is endangering the lives of her children and other road users and pedestrians. How utterly selfish. I hope she looses her license and job.

expatmigrant · 21/01/2022 16:37

Just had a discussion with the DH about your post.
He was more on the fence about it but of course her insurance would be void even if she was just in a small accident and would easily be found out.
As far as I'm concerned you did the right thing for sure as there is a good chance that she's is driving her DC whilst under the influence.
Only she will be ruining their lives not you.

Rainbowshine · 21/01/2022 16:44

@TwuntyFriend you’ve done the best thing for her, the children and the people she cares for. And for all the road users she may come across. I hope she does see this as offering support and gets help. Sadly I think it may get worse before she does. Your actions protect the vulnerable people in all of this. I hope you are ok and please don’t ruminate about reporting her, you have done the right thing.

EmergencyPoncho · 21/01/2022 16:59

You have done the right thing OP, she'll see that one day. You may have saved her life or her children's let alone anyone else's. I don't really drink but I get it's difficult for her, that she's trapped, it's not as simple as a choice not to drink. Hopefully this will be the catalyst to start dealing with it.

Santahasjoinedww · 21/01/2022 17:01

Better a lost friendship than a lost life.
Well done op..

JackyinaTracky · 21/01/2022 17:10

Well done OP! That must have been a difficult conversation to have with her. Sometimes it takes real courage to do the right thing Flowers

MaudieandMe · 21/01/2022 17:19

An alcoholic in denial is a very dangerous person and whilst she continues to stumble along pretending that one more drink won’t hurt, imagine the damage that she’s doing to her children longer term.
Anyone who has lived with a functioning alcoholic knows that it’s a shitty existence for all the household. That’s aside from the possibility of killing someone whilst driving still under the influence.

You’re doing the right thing OP and if your friend ever hits her rock bottom and manages to turn her life around, she will eventually apologise and thank you for trying to support her.

IncompleteSenten · 21/01/2022 17:42

You've done the right thing.
She won't be able to see it because she's likely in complete denial and refusing to take responsibility for her choices. She will blame you because it's easier to do that than to accept her drinking and subsequent decision to ignore a driving ban have caused this.

beastlyslumber · 21/01/2022 17:59

@TwuntyFriend

Thank you everyone - it's nice being reassured about something so difficult.

I hope one day she realises that it came from a place of love, and not malicious intent. I really would have done anything to avoid having to personally report her - but I'm the only person who knows about her situation.

It sounds like a very compassionate response to a really difficult situation.

I hope your friend will come to thank you for this in time.

Best wishes, OP Flowers

L0bstersLass · 21/01/2022 18:11

Good on you. That must have been very tough, but you've done the right thing.

FlamingoDust · 21/01/2022 18:27

Thank you-you really have done the right thing. It cannot have been easy Flowers

RampantIvy · 21/01/2022 18:34

Thank you @TwuntyFriend. That was a hard thing to do, but well done. You might have saved someone's life.

Treaclepie19 · 21/01/2022 18:46

Please report her.
A drunk driver swerved and hit my (parked, on my very long drive) car. Going through the fence first. Our road always has children walking up and down and it makes me feel sick every time I walk mine to school now. Thinking it could happen again.
Drunk drivers need to be stopped.

Treaclepie19 · 21/01/2022 18:47

Gosh I'm sorry. Didn't read the whole thread 🤦‍♀️ Well done op. Can't have been easy.

Forensicpsych · 21/01/2022 18:57

Well done op.

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