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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get involved - banned from driving

364 replies

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 10:37

NC for this. It's more of a WWYD.

My friend has had a problem with alcohol for years. She drinks a lot. A few months ago she was pulled over and was found to be over the limit. She was rightly prosecuted, and recently received a 9 month ban.

She needs to be able to drive for her work (carer). She has decided to not tell her work and continue driving as if the ban didn't happen. I have told her this is a stupid idea and utterly reckless, but she's not listening to me and thinks the chances of her getting found out are slim.

The liklihood of her losing her job are high if they know about the ban. She is continuing to drive her small children around as well as for work.

I had hoped that this incident would have been the kick up the arse she needed to get help for the drinking and sort her life out - apparently not.

What on earth do I do? Say something? Keep schtum? I'm out of ideas.

OP posts:
Just10moreminutesplease · 21/01/2022 19:07

You have done the right thing OP. Well done Flowers.

gettingmylifetogether · 21/01/2022 19:08

@TwuntyFriend

Thank you everyone - it's nice being reassured about something so difficult.

I hope one day she realises that it came from a place of love, and not malicious intent. I really would have done anything to avoid having to personally report her - but I'm the only person who knows about her situation.

Well done. It probably doesn't feel very good, but you've done her a massive favour in the long run.

It really was the kindest thing to do.

jb7445 · 21/01/2022 19:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

inheritancetrack · 21/01/2022 19:15

@EmpressCixi

I would not report her. Unless you plan to end the friendship. If she is likely to be caught, let her be caught. Id only report her if she drink drove again...I’d report that. But defying a driving ban isn’t technically endangering anyone so long as she is driving sober.

If you want to help her, try and via the network of all her friends and family sort out lifts to/from work and for her children to school.

I understand why the ban people caught drink driving from driving, but when you are a single parent and you need to drive to work and to take children to school, it is a punishment that can literally make you destitute, possibly homeless and also punishes her innocent children. Reporting would just make it worse.

So either stay quiet or help her abide by the ban and not lose her job or her children end up out of school.

But she was reckless enough to drink drive in the first place. Driving without insurance and while banned is equally reckless.

Someone with this level of irresponsibility is going to drink and drive again. Is it ok to kill her children? Ok to kill a member of the public?

Of course she has to be reported. The police ANPR might catch her, otherwise the police can visit and speak to her.

Andouillette · 21/01/2022 19:32

Well done OP. You are a good and true friend. Many, many years ago my husband (we weren't married then) was read the riot act by his best friend about his drinking which had reached life endangering levels. The warnings didn't stick then but they did a few years later, thank goodness. Husband has been sober for decades and that friend is the only one he is still in touch with.

BronwenFrideswide · 21/01/2022 19:46

Well done TwuntyFriend you've done the right thing however hard it may seem. Hopefully your 'friend' will realise that in the future.

RampantIvy · 21/01/2022 19:53

I am disappointed at the, admittedly few, posters who think it is OK to let someone banned from driving due to drinking under the influence of alcohol to continue driving.

Do they have no concept of the law or the implications of what could happen?

FreedomFaith · 22/01/2022 07:26

@RampantIvy

I am disappointed at the, admittedly few, posters who think it is OK to let someone banned from driving due to drinking under the influence of alcohol to continue driving.

Do they have no concept of the law or the implications of what could happen?

They do it too obviously and have no concern over killing anyone. Their enjoyment is more important.
fluffiphlox · 22/01/2022 08:31

You’ve done the right thing, well done.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/01/2022 08:42

My concern would be not only is she a danger if she’s driving, but if there’s a chance that she’s going to work drunk she could make a mistake at work and really hurt one of the people she’s caring for. You really can’t be working as a carer under the influence - she could be dispensing medications to people, moving and transferring them, bathing or showering all of which carries potentially life changing risks if she gets it wrong.

Hard as it is OP, I would have done the same thing and reported her.

Munchyseeds · 22/01/2022 14:32

You did the right thing that's for sure

tkwal · 22/01/2022 17:40

You wouldn't be the one who list her her job. She did that all by herself. If /when her employers find out she will be in even more trouble as she will have been driving without insurance as well as while disqualified. Now just imagine , even if she was sober and had an accident which caused damage but no injury, she would face further prosecution and still lose her job. Now imagine she did cause injury...how would you feel ? She has to stop drinking, and she should have help and support to do it.

pinkpirlie · 22/01/2022 17:50

You've done the right thing, however hard.
Her work would have found out eventually, so it was best she was up front.
My work do annual checks on our driving licences if we ever claim mileage - I assumed this was universal?

He insurance would be invalid, so she would be at huge risk if caught or if she gets in an accident (the drink driving aside).

I hope one day, when she's accessed the help she needs, she will look back and thank you for making the best decision for her long term.

Byebyeboris · 22/01/2022 17:57

@TwuntyFriend

My initial thoughts were to turn her in, but I didn't want to be the one who lost her her job and potentially 'ruined' her life.

If I report to the police, how will they know she's been driving. Effectively it's my word against hers. Do I contact her work and tell them too?

I know court records are out there and anyone can find them if they look so she's taking a risk that no-one will see too.

It's all such a mess!!

Would you rather she got pissed, drove and killed someone.
Sallybates · 22/01/2022 17:58

She is not insured.it is illegal . Report her for the safety of others

007Stocko · 22/01/2022 17:58

If she is banned then even if she has paid for insurance then its not valid. So when she runs someone over or has another accident then the other party has nothing to claim against.

If she's prepared to do that then I doubt she would be bothered about drink driving again.

You can report it anonymously and if she's not prepared to do the correct thing then sad as it might feel your doing her and everyone else a favour by stopping her.

Zipper666 · 22/01/2022 17:59

The first option is to confront her.

If you are convinced she STILL has the drink problem and, thus is likely to be driving under the influence, especially with her children on board then tell her if she does not stop you WILL report her.

If she ignores you and IS clearly drunk driving then simply tell the police that vehicle registration - - --- is seen and belongs to somebody that is banned, they will follow it up.

You can't square the circle here. SHE has put herself in an impossible situation, she has a DUI and ban but needs to drive for work.
That is for HER to work out, not you.

angela99999 · 22/01/2022 18:04

You did the right thing. But I'm sure the police would have picked her up anyway eventually as her numberplate would be picked up by cameras and should be flagged as uninsured. She may keep her insurance running at the moment, but as soon as she tries to renew her conviction will be flagged by their systems. I'm guessing that she may be picked up through her road tax even sooner.

whynotwhatknot · 22/01/2022 18:07

its sad but youre a good person i just wouldnttrust the justice system

look at katie price several bans and still got away with it and a new tv show

Whatthebarnacles · 22/01/2022 18:08

If she's banned she'll not be insured. That's also a major offence, not to mention really wreckless. Driving whilst being disqualified she'll be in serious sh*t if caught... talking a potential custodial sentence here.
At the end of the day this is her life, the consequences of which on her kids lives, plus the public's lives at stake here.

Be a good friend. Tell her that it's unacceptable and you have no option but to report her, for her and other's own good, if she goes through with doing as she plans. She can't ever say you didn't warn her then when you do report her. She will thank you for it in the end.

marvellousmonsters · 22/01/2022 18:14

"The liklihood of her losing her job are high if they know about the ban. She is continuing to drive her small children around as well as for work."

A colleague of mine lost their licence (due to speeding) and work were able to make adjustments to allow her to get to and from work until she was able to drive again. If she's honest she might get this too, if she's caught again that is unlikely to happen.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 22/01/2022 18:17

@FusionChefGeoff

I'm an alcoholic in recovery.

Everyone needs to hit their rock bottom before they admit the problem and seek help. Every time someone bails you out, it takes longer to hit this low.

If it's any consolation, you reporting her could be the catalyst to a more life changing consequence (loosing job / social work involvement etc) which could be her rock bottom. Which ultimately then leads to recovery. So don't feel bad - for alcoholics in denial things have to get worse before they can get better.

For people who said don’t do anything: I really like how @FusionChefGeoff explains that doing nothing keeps an alcoholic in denial unwell for even longer as they don’t experience the consequences of their actions if other people bail them out. Plus the fact that drink driving is illegal, the friend is endangering lives etc.

Well done OP for reporting her.

MumWithYOPD · 22/01/2022 18:23

@AmandaHoldensLips

With a 9 month ban, you're obviously not in the UK.
I was going to say the same. UK ban more likely to be 18 months reduced if a course completed. That said if they’re prepared to carry on driving and lie to their employer lying to you would be nothing.
AngelinaFibres · 22/01/2022 18:24

@angela99999

You did the right thing. But I'm sure the police would have picked her up anyway eventually as her numberplate would be picked up by cameras and should be flagged as uninsured. She may keep her insurance running at the moment, but as soon as she tries to renew her conviction will be flagged by their systems. I'm guessing that she may be picked up through her road tax even sooner.
Her insurance became invalid the day she was banned. She has no insurance regardless of when it would normally have run out.
Spinachmunch3r · 22/01/2022 18:25

I take it she's not addressing the alcohol problem either. I would report to the police and social services. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who thought this was OK.

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