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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am about to dump my bf for this... AIBU?

162 replies

toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 09:23

He has exes and on line ex dates on his social media and likes their posts regularly.
No messaging or comments.
He adds and allows random women, not necessarily sexy profile pics , to his account.
AIBU here? He thinks it's not an issue.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/01/2022 09:37

Yanbu if you’re uncomfortable with it
You can dump him for whatever reason you want

SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2022 09:39

Well I don't think he's doing anything wrong, and I think it's more worrying that you'd even notice (I have no idea who DH has on sm or what he likes).

But as shox said, you can dump him for any reason or no reason at alll if you want to

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 09:39

I know that but would this be a valid response to his activity?

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 09:39

And thanks

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/01/2022 09:40

Do you have ex's on yours? Have you asked him not to?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 21/01/2022 09:42

I have exs and DP has exs and we still speak to them on the odd occasion. It's just not an issue. Has he given you reason not to trust him?
You can dump him for whatever reason you like. But unless he has form, I don't understand why you'd finish it over this

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2022 09:43

If it bothers you then it’s valid
You decide your own boundaries op

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 09:44

No I don't have exes and I don't have an on line dates that I may have met.
I also don't accept friend requests from men that I don't know and certainly wouldn't like them if I did.
When someone I don't know manages to add me ( not very tech savvy) I delete them.

OP posts:
Diggersaursarethebest · 21/01/2022 09:44

You don’t need anyone’s permission OP. And you don’t need him to agree you’re being reasonable. It’s obviously bothering you hugely. Don’t do it if what you’re really trying to do is make him change this so that you’ll have him back.
If you do dump him, just tell him it’s not working for you and you want to break up. Don’t bother analyzing why this bugs you so much with him. Analyse it yourself later.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 21/01/2022 09:45

Have you told him it bothers you?

Palavah · 21/01/2022 09:45

Being friends with exes is one thing but randomly adding new women he doesnt know? Does he regularly acquire new male 'friends'

Sunnydaysofspring · 21/01/2022 09:46

The reason you have noticed this is your gut Is telling you this isn't right in this set of circumstances. I've had 4 relationships. They have all varied on their behaviour. 2 of them messaged other women all the time and lied. Flirted. One out of those 2 cheated. My 3rd was completely trustworthy. Had women from his past. But they'd talk to me or interact with me and never made me feel rubbish. My 4th boyfriend who I'm with now is abit too involved still emotionally with his ex. He's actually started to pause when he's going to mention her because we've had a few problems due to them remaining in touch and she's tried to put her 10p in about our relationship. He allows her to though and that speaks for itself. He is abit of a flirt too and I kinda know who he checks out abit because I'll be honest, I simply didn't trust him when we first met as he told a few lies about stuff in the past. He planted that seed.

I have times where his ex is going round and round in My head and it makes me feel like shit. I've almost walked away because I have this feeling that he still cares too much about her and her life. But we are getting alpt better recently.

All you can do is be honest. If he can't see the issue and you don't feel understood and his words don't reassure you then yes end it. It's no fun being anxious all the time.

Some men just give off bad vibes like this and others don't. But your gut is telling you something. If you felt secure and like he was proud of your relationship and focused on you and the future you wouldn't be stressing about these women.

Hoppinggreen · 21/01/2022 09:46

Dump his for whatever reason you want/no reason at all.
You don’t need his agreement or permission

Sinusheadachesahhhh · 21/01/2022 09:47

@toomanypuns

No I don't have exes and I don't have an on line dates that I may have met. I also don't accept friend requests from men that I don't know and certainly wouldn't like them if I did. When someone I don't know manages to add me ( not very tech savvy) I delete them.
I agree with you. When I'm in a relationship I don't accept random men onto my sm etc.

My ex used to do this, liking exs pictures and stuff, it didn't turn out well for us, there was more going on than just the liking of pictures. I'm not saying ur dp will be like this, as not everyone is. I'm just sharing my experience.

If you have any doubt of trust, get out now & find someone better.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 09:48

I know I can't change him.
I had hoped that we were on the same page about this and we're not obviously.
When we first met and I was checking his social media to get a feel for what type a man he was publically, I found that he was liking in sexy women's photos. They were relatively tasteful but saw comments like hot/ beautiful/ stunning etc .
He did not know these women , just random women on ig.
I didn't like it and told him and he stopped commenting but still likes their posts.
Is it not a respect issue?
Does it not reflect badly on me and him?

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 21/01/2022 09:49

You can dump him for any reason or none, clearly you aren't interested in him so might as well break up. He should be wary of scams from adding strangers to social media, but the presence of exes on social media is totally normal. Once you're single you might want to spend some time considering why you're so possessive that you can't allow opposite sex friends, because that could cause serious relationship problems if you start dating someone you actually like in the future.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 10:02

I love him. That's the problem but I love myself more because I know it is a big deal for me having been so badly let down by a cheat in the past.
I'm hyper vigilant but my gut is screaming at me.
I think it's completely unacceptable to be adding / accepting random very attractive women who he doesn't know ,to a committed mans social media profile. So maybe I am
Being unreasonable.
As for ex bumble dates... why keep them and like their posts when the date didn't work out? Surely I'm not being totally unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 10:05

To add, his profile is set to single on social media and besides liking and tagging me in posts, There is so sign that we are together.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 21/01/2022 10:08

It sounds like he is keeping options open, OP, by “liking” ex online dates.

I think this is very different to just remaining friends with an ex from a previous significant relationship.
I still exchange Christmas cards, and chat occasionally on FB, with an ex from over 40 years ago - there is nothing romantic or sexual about it, we simply remain on friendly terms, despite living 400 miles apart and not having met in decades.

Sunnydaysofspring · 21/01/2022 10:11

Some men will always look at other women. They are just that way and you can't change them. You have to grow a thick skin or walk away. He's obviously one of those men who can't resist clicking the like button. Why can't he just look and scroll on? Why would anyone think it's OK to let their partner see them appreciating another woman's beauty and letting that woman know he likes what he sees. This is ofcourse if they are not friends and genuine likes of support and friendship. But this is what social media has done to relationships. Its now acceptable because its online and we've all accepted this sort of behaviour. But If we was sat in a pub and our boyfriend did a walk around the room telling all the women what he liked about them he'd be a pig. Its just funny how it being on a screen is accepted.

It's like my boyfriend went to school with this woman called "Claire". They are 48 now and never seen eachother since they were teenagers. She's forever saying oh we should meet for coffee. Telling him he looks beautiful or amazing on photos. She has a partner. But she's allover my boyfriends social media and he liked everything she posts but doesn't comment on her photos etc like she does his. If be gutted if he commented on her pictures calling her stunning etc. They actually don't know eachother but they think they do because of school. Alot changes in 30 years!

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 10:11

These are exactly my thoughts@Babdoc.

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 10:14

Great and insightful Post @Sunnydaysofspring

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 21/01/2022 10:21

I think men that do this are really disrespectful.

It is really offputting to me and my husband did this at the start of the relationship, I wish I walked.

Staryflight445 · 21/01/2022 10:22

It occasionally makes me question everything.

Kbyodjs · 21/01/2022 10:23

I wouldn’t mind the ex’s but the random women is creepy

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