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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am about to dump my bf for this... AIBU?

162 replies

toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 09:23

He has exes and on line ex dates on his social media and likes their posts regularly.
No messaging or comments.
He adds and allows random women, not necessarily sexy profile pics , to his account.
AIBU here? He thinks it's not an issue.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/01/2022 10:17

Well done OP.

It is a case of no pain, no gain with this.

You knew it was not right.

Someone causing you so much stress is not someone to keep in your life.

You deserve much better.

Keep listening to your gut.Flowers

GiantHaystacks2021 · 22/01/2022 10:24

He's a fuckin' nob.
You've had a lucky escape.

toomanypuns · 22/01/2022 11:27

Thanks.
It feels shit.his status has always been single and he is not chatting to or looking to chat to any woman on line, he said.

OP posts:
Trippingslippingx1 · 22/01/2022 11:34

If course be turned it in you and made it about you - to deflect accountability like all professional gaslighters do.

Its a tale as old as time.

You have dodged a bullet. Take care of yourself.

CounsellorTroi · 22/01/2022 11:57

YANBU if it’s making you feel disrespected. I dumped a bf standing me up on my birthday and going out with his mates instead. Wasn’t the first time I’d felt disrespected tbh, at a party “our song” came on and when I went to find him he was slow dancing with someone else. And couldn’t see what he was doing wrong. Both things I could not see my DH doing in a million years. Bf begged me to take him back but I was having none of it.

ChargingBuck · 22/01/2022 11:59

I've blocked him on all social media and have taken myself off fb and ig for my sanity.

Well done OP - & here's to your sanity & wellbeing Wine

Yesyesyesno · 22/01/2022 12:18

You can break up with someone for any reason that you want. You don’t even need a reason.

I think this is entirely subjective though. This would bother me, I have friends it doesn’t bother. If he knows it bothers you and doesn’t cease to do it then the issue isn’t that he’s liking these girls photos and adding them, it’s his lack of respect for your boundaries.

Yesyesyesno · 22/01/2022 12:19

@toomanypuns

Thanks. I explained everything and what wasn't acceptable to me and the relationship and he turned it on me because I suggested( in frustration) that maybe he needed someone to treat him like dirt ( as per his last relationship) which I instantly regretted. Now it's become About what I said so it's over. I'm really sad but I guess that him not wanting to change his online presence and interactions and behaviour tells me everything I need to know. I asked could I ring to say goodbye but he's not up to it. I've blocked him on all social media and have taken myself off fb and ig for my sanity. It's been a cruel week.
Sounds like you had a lucky escape if he’s attempting to make it all your fault!
toomanypuns · 22/01/2022 13:14

He is feeling sorry for himself ! He's heartbroken blah blah but yet never addressed the issues I had with his behaviour on line. Tried to
Justify by saying he's always had a single status and is not talking to anyone on line. Never addressed the elephant in the room being the females he had on there and liked bh their photos and selfies though!
I'm so fucking sad and feel like a complete idiot.
Anyway he is blocked and I feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/01/2022 15:35

Well done OP.

Of course you are sad and upset.

On the positive side, you are no longer wasting time with a would be player.

You deserve better.Flowers

toomanypuns · 22/01/2022 19:31

That's the worst thing.
He was such an incredible boyfriend in every single way and could not see that what he was doing was wrong because to his mind, it was entirely innocent. Liking random posts of ex bumble dates.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 22/01/2022 19:45

I wouldn't like it at all and if he's kept his status as 'single' then maybe he's creating a 'pick and mix' bag of women for some future time. It's not respectful to you or your feelings. Talk to him about it and see what he says... (but I'd ditch him if he didn't stop).

Trippingslippingx1 · 23/01/2022 08:11

Of course you feel sad
The sick feeling in your stomach is your gut instinct with everything coming together
There are loads of these types around and you will not get caught out again thanks to this expierence
You will see it a mile off next time

Hes playing the victim and gaslighting you now

Honestly let him run on
He was not feeling heart broken when he was annoucing to the world he was eligible batchelor whilst liking various models - come on. He knows full well what he was doing.

toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 08:24

Thanks. Feeling jittery this morning so reassuring to read this message.
He is playing the poor me card. A mutual friend met him and asked how he was. I probably can't describe it well in writing but it was him looking miserable, saying he'll be ok and thanking our friend for asking him in a pitiful way. Almost like he was dumped for absolutely no reason.
Surely he can see that what he does in line is inappropriate especially when he knows I hate it ? Why has there been no changed behaviour to fight for our relationship and me?
Why then is he playing the victim? I almost feel sorry for him!

OP posts:
Trippingslippingx1 · 23/01/2022 10:21

@toomanypuns

Thanks. Feeling jittery this morning so reassuring to read this message. He is playing the poor me card. A mutual friend met him and asked how he was. I probably can't describe it well in writing but it was him looking miserable, saying he'll be ok and thanking our friend for asking him in a pitiful way. Almost like he was dumped for absolutely no reason. Surely he can see that what he does in line is inappropriate especially when he knows I hate it ? Why has there been no changed behaviour to fight for our relationship and me? Why then is he playing the victim? I almost feel sorry for him!
This happened to me last year with a guy who was treating my like complete crap.

I texted him to call it off - the night before he had come round to my flat and told me ‘well I am not staying here as you have a UTI - I cannot fuck you’.

The next day I was so upset at work and called it off via text message. He told everyone I ‘dumped him’ via text message - but of course withheld these various remarks he had given me over a period of weeks which made me feel like shit on purpose. He also refused to answer the phone to talk about it. Very manipulative behaviour.

Anyway roll on a year later and it transpired on me he was cheating on me the entire time of the relationship.

toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 10:28

@Trippingslippingx1 Jesus Christ that must have been crushing. What a creep. I think you're right . I think he's feeling sorry for himself because he has been caught and is again alone( his worst fear)
I asked a friend of his this morning how he was and was told that he is in great form!
Don't know what to think about that!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 24/01/2022 06:32

Well in his head he's been dumped for not changing his status, liking posts and not deleting the women. He's probably realised it's just too much hard work running a woman who monitors his online presence and gives him grief about it.

You have a solid boundary and that's great, don't lose that. But don't expect him to be heartbroken and wondering what he's thrown away.

You don't need to interrogate mutual friends either. It's done, leave it alone and find someone more suited to you.

billy1966 · 24/01/2022 09:23

Push through the upset OP.

He's a bit of a sleaze.

You deserve better.Flowers

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 24/01/2022 11:25

@toomanypuns

Thanks. Feeling jittery this morning so reassuring to read this message. He is playing the poor me card. A mutual friend met him and asked how he was. I probably can't describe it well in writing but it was him looking miserable, saying he'll be ok and thanking our friend for asking him in a pitiful way. Almost like he was dumped for absolutely no reason. Surely he can see that what he does in line is inappropriate especially when he knows I hate it ? Why has there been no changed behaviour to fight for our relationship and me? Why then is he playing the victim? I almost feel sorry for him!
Why would you like him to fight for you? I agree in principle with your stance, however, you cannot expect him to suddenly change and come running after you.
toomanypuns · 24/01/2022 11:31

I think if he loved me the way I believed he did and showed me( apart from these issues) it would have been a small sacrifice to make in order for our relationship to work.

OP posts:
Trippingslippingx1 · 24/01/2022 11:42

@gamerchick

Well in his head he's been dumped for not changing his status, liking posts and not deleting the women. He's probably realised it's just too much hard work running a woman who monitors his online presence and gives him grief about it.

You have a solid boundary and that's great, don't lose that. But don't expect him to be heartbroken and wondering what he's thrown away.

You don't need to interrogate mutual friends either. It's done, leave it alone and find someone more suited to you.

This. 💐❤️
ChargingBuck · 24/01/2022 11:48

I think if he loved me the way I believed he did

Yup. You wanted to be the one who changed him the angel who helped him see the error of his ways & you needed validation that he loved you enough to change.

Not your fault - the first time around - because young women are sold this bullshit by the romance industry from when they are tiny girls.
But don't make this mistake again.

Men who are going to love you the way you believe (i.e. hope) they do are NOT going to be sleazing over model pics & Like-Whoring online OP.

It was naive to imagine that he did, or will.
But you've now learned from the experience, & won't need to delude yourself over an incompatible man in future.

PP have told you time & again - this man was never going to be who you wanted him to be.
When that happens - your job is not to change that man.
You job is to leave him, & to find a man who shares your values.

Stop pining over a man who you are not compatible with.
Trying to change a man isn't love - it's desperation, & ends up with you feeling unhappy & him feeling controlled.
And you don't want to be controlling, so you?

Buck up OP.
Take a break from dating while you look after yourself, & start looking into resources that will boost your self-esteem. Counselling, an assertiveness skills workshop, reading, following relationship gurus ... when you have re-established your self-worth, you won't waste your time or your good self on men who are not compatible & therefore NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.
Flowers

toomanypuns · 24/01/2022 12:13

Thanks I really needed to he reminded of this, this morning.
I'll be reading and rereading all of these pps advice and I very much appreciate all of it.
Still hard to get your head around thinking you know someone when you really don't at all.

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 24/01/2022 12:41

Pp is right. My mother’s overarching piece of advice with regards to men was “Never think you can change them”. You can’t. What you see is what you get. If you don’t like it, move on.

Ring up some friends and go out for a few drinks to drown your sorrows and have a good laugh with them. Flowers Wine

Trippingslippingx1 · 24/01/2022 15:33

@VenusClapTrap

Pp is right. My mother’s overarching piece of advice with regards to men was “Never think you can change them”. You can’t. What you see is what you get. If you don’t like it, move on.

Ring up some friends and go out for a few drinks to drown your sorrows and have a good laugh with them. Flowers Wine

Yep. And when they show you who you are, you better believe them.

There is no benefit and there is no doubt.

A really good relatioship coach is Yaz - she has good Podcasts called The Game and she really helps to help cut through the bullshit woman have been sold.