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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am about to dump my bf for this... AIBU?

162 replies

toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 09:23

He has exes and on line ex dates on his social media and likes their posts regularly.
No messaging or comments.
He adds and allows random women, not necessarily sexy profile pics , to his account.
AIBU here? He thinks it's not an issue.

OP posts:
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 13:26

@toomanypuns

To add, his profile is set to single on social media and besides liking and tagging me in posts, There is so sign that we are together.
😮 Dump him
Hrpuffnstuff1 · 21/01/2022 13:33

I don't have my relationship status showing on my page, neither does Mrs hr.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 13:34

But he does .... He's single

OP posts:
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 13:37

I remember once matching with a guy on Bumble
Met him first time he gave me creeps
Thought I was being a bitch then stalked his social media

Looked at followers and it was flooded with weird underwear models aged 17/18 (literally) he must have been following about 20. Looked at likes and there was one he had liked the day of our date.

I ghosted him and he went mental - threw a milkshake at my window and then sent me a love letter 🤣

Instincts are there for a reason - the 3D nonsense of all these likes and all is just confirmation you are dealing with nine pound note (fake)

Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 13:38

@Hrpuffnstuff1

I don't have my relationship status showing on my page, neither does Mrs hr.
Neither do I. But I do not have ‘single’ whilst in relationship. 🤣
ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 13:45

Even when f ye came back and said that he sees how gross it all is, would I ever trust him?

Never mind that - how would you ever respect him, is the question you need to keep putting to yourself.
You're not losing anything by dumping him, & you get to keep your dignity & peace of mind.

ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 13:49

threw a milkshake at my window and then sent me a love letter
Grin Grin Grin

@Trippingslippingx1 Didn't this charming scene make it to the director's cut of Love Actually - a.ka. Stalker's Charter?

Getoutofthis · 21/01/2022 13:57

Perfectly fine to look and think to yourself someone is hot, good looking etc it’s natural. But there is no need to have to hit the like button or comment. To be honest, when I see a married/taken man commenting that stuff on someone’s sexy photo I always think of them a little bit different, they could have just kept that to themselves. It’s like they think that person will message them back or something.

Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 14:14

@ChargingBuck

threw a milkshake at my window and then sent me a love letter Grin Grin Grin

@Trippingslippingx1 Didn't this charming scene make it to the director's cut of Love Actually - a.ka. Stalker's Charter?

Heaven knows.

He then sent me a whole box worth of yoga gear for my birthday 🤣
This was a few months after the ‘breakup’ AKA 1 date, no sex.

gamerchick · 21/01/2022 14:19

Neither do I. But I do not have ‘single’ whilst in relationship. 🤣

I do and I've been married 11 year.

ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 14:47

@Getoutofthis

Perfectly fine to look and think to yourself someone is hot, good looking etc it’s natural. But there is no need to have to hit the like button or comment. To be honest, when I see a married/taken man commenting that stuff on someone’s sexy photo I always think of them a little bit different, they could have just kept that to themselves. It’s like they think that person will message them back or something.
Good point, & of course they are hoping for a message @Getoutofthis - that's why this type of person makes such a volume of likes/comments.

They are playing the numbers game - the more hot bodies they pay attention to, the better the chance of getting some back.

ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 14:48

Blimey, Trippings.
Bullet. Dodged.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 14:50

Do you believe that @ChargingBuck . Is this why he was liking all of these random profile pics and photos. My stomach feels sick. How fucking naeive am I . This is so upsetting.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 21/01/2022 14:50

Neither do I. But I do not have ‘single’ whilst in relationship.

Mine has always said single.

Apart when I was about 15 and used to rush to change it to ‘dating’ then ‘in a relationship’ and then ‘separated’ and everyone would ask “are you ok hun?”.
I would be pretty cringey to change my relationship status now I’m an adult.

You need to stop caring what other people think about you so much.

Wreath21 · 21/01/2022 15:02

@Diggersaursarethebest

wreath21 There’s nothing wrong with rejecting monogamy. But I think you will probably find you are in the minority rather than the majority in your viewpoint on this issue. I would gently suggest that characterizing everyone who wants monogamy and expects partners to keep sexual attraction to others to themselves as ´monogamy obsessed’ is not healthy. A healthy approach would be to recognize that people who reject monogamy and people who expect monogamy do not make compatible romantic partners.
I agree that this sort of thing is usually a compatibility issue (and the key to happy relationships is dating people whose approach to monogamy is similar to one's own, whatever it may be). But OP seems to be getting in an unusual amount of a tizzy about it, which suggests that she might be a bit happier going forward if she could dial the snooping and controlling down a little bit.
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 15:06

@WonderfulYou

Neither do I. But I do not have ‘single’ whilst in relationship.

Mine has always said single.

Apart when I was about 15 and used to rush to change it to ‘dating’ then ‘in a relationship’ and then ‘separated’ and everyone would ask “are you ok hun?”.
I would be pretty cringey to change my relationship status now I’m an adult.

You need to stop caring what other people think about you so much.

I do not have a relationship status on social media. Despite being in a relationship. I personally would be preturbed in a man I was in a long term relationship with had ‘single’ - thats all.
torquewench · 21/01/2022 15:13

He sounds like my ex. I'd ask who the random women were who'd appear on his friends list (who were all single, often lived 100s of miles away, with no work or family or friend connections and always his "type") and he'd just lie say it was someone he'd known for years. Turned out they were all people he'd been messaging on POF or Zoosk.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 16:52

This is feeling more and more grim. I am waiting to meet him to discuss this.
I think it's over from my point of view. There's no way back for me I think.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysofspring · 21/01/2022 17:44

If he loves you enough he will be willing to meet you half way. You don't like it because it makes you feel he wants more than he can have. You don't do enough to please him. You are not oretty enough. His exes were better looking or more interesting.

You need to remember though it's just ego and some men are always seeking validation. It's their own issues. So don't ever feel its you. I don't feel the need to look for attention elsewhere. My boyfriend will come across so confident and alpha to most people. He swears and says hello to anyone. He's friendly and funny. But he's massively insecure deep down. He watched his dad cheat and lie as a kid. His first wife and second girlfriend cheated. Then his 3rd girlfriend was on the end of his insecurities. I'm his 4th relationship and when we first got talking he had alot of random women on his Facebook. He deleted many when we got together properly. Without me asking. I think he knew he had to stop that crap.

I hope you get through to him xx

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 18:11

Thanks@Sunnydaysofspring . I don't think half way is enough. I want him to drop his single status, I want to be acknowledged by him on Social media, I want him to delete all those ex dates and random women that he has added or have added him thereby stopping liking their posts. However , I want him to want to do that. I'm not going to tell him he has to.
But he needs to know that if he doesn't love me enough to do these things for us and me, that our relationship is a farce and is over.
But if he does all of this, will I ever wonder : trust / be liking over my shoulder . I think I will do best be over.
I do not meet his needs . That's not an insult to me but he needs ego boosting and validation on top of his relationship which I do not give him
Clearly.
I have been a very loving , caring and generous girlfriend and not once has my head been turned. Jesus I even showed him a list of creepy men who were trying to add me and he said... I never get those !
Lies and cover ups.
It's taken me so long to add 2+2=4. Was I a fool? Not sure but I gave it a shot, was faithful and loving and trusted him.
It's funny how it all came tumbling down so spectacularly once I'd copped that I'd never even heard of these so called friends.
I don't agree with the posters who say it's an invasion of privacy or policing their mans account.
This is public information and if that was his best side out in public on his social media platform ... well Jesus wept .

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 18:15

I feel so sad and let down and
Lonely tonight and appreciate the company and thoughts . Thanks.

OP posts:
Pinkrose1111 · 21/01/2022 21:01

It's super disrespectful. He's basically keeping his options open. Explain to him this is a super no no and if he still does it then dump him. But tbh the fact you even have to explain it tbh is reason enough to dump him just by itself. No man would like if their girlfriend was doing that.

gamerchick · 21/01/2022 22:05

[quote toomanypuns]Thanks@Sunnydaysofspring . I don't think half way is enough. I want him to drop his single status, I want to be acknowledged by him on Social media, I want him to delete all those ex dates and random women that he has added or have added him thereby stopping liking their posts. However , I want him to want to do that. I'm not going to tell him he has to.
But he needs to know that if he doesn't love me enough to do these things for us and me, that our relationship is a farce and is over.
But if he does all of this, will I ever wonder : trust / be liking over my shoulder . I think I will do best be over.
I do not meet his needs . That's not an insult to me but he needs ego boosting and validation on top of his relationship which I do not give him
Clearly.
I have been a very loving , caring and generous girlfriend and not once has my head been turned. Jesus I even showed him a list of creepy men who were trying to add me and he said... I never get those !
Lies and cover ups.
It's taken me so long to add 2+2=4. Was I a fool? Not sure but I gave it a shot, was faithful and loving and trusted him.
It's funny how it all came tumbling down so spectacularly once I'd copped that I'd never even heard of these so called friends.
I don't agree with the posters who say it's an invasion of privacy or policing their mans account.
This is public information and if that was his best side out in public on his social media platform ... well Jesus wept .[/quote]
OP, it doesn't matter what any of us think.

You CANNOT police his SM. You just can't and he isn't going to 'change'. You need to dump him.

Personally, I think you should come off SM yourself completely. It's bending your MH

As an aside, if you click on people's profiles, they tend to come up in your suggested.

Just fuck him off. I feel tired just reading your posts. I can't imagine what it's like in your own head. Life is short.

billy1966 · 21/01/2022 23:01

OP,

Sorry that you are so disappointed by this creep but your gut has the measure of him.

He is an opportunistic creep.

He is disrespecting you every time he hits the like button.

You deserve so much more than him.
Flowers

Original poster
toomanypuns · 22/01/2022 09:15

Thanks.
I explained everything and what wasn't acceptable to me and the relationship and he turned it on me because I suggested( in frustration) that maybe he needed someone to treat him like dirt ( as per his last relationship) which I instantly regretted. Now it's become About what I said so it's over.
I'm really sad but I guess that him not wanting to change his online presence and interactions and behaviour tells me everything I need to know.
I asked could I ring to say goodbye but he's not up to it.
I've blocked him on all social media and have taken myself off fb and ig for my sanity. It's been a cruel week.

OP posts: