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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am about to dump my bf for this... AIBU?

162 replies

toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 09:23

He has exes and on line ex dates on his social media and likes their posts regularly.
No messaging or comments.
He adds and allows random women, not necessarily sexy profile pics , to his account.
AIBU here? He thinks it's not an issue.

OP posts:
Wreath21 · 21/01/2022 11:51

@Diggersaursarethebest

Wreath21 I think describing OP as being ´obsessed’ with monogamy is a bit of a reach. Most people expect monogamy within a committed relationship. OP prefers that her partners to not advertise the fact they may find other women attractive. That doesn’t mean she expects them to never feel attracted to another woman or to never think about other women privately. She just doesn’t want to know about those thoughts and feelings or for her partner to continually broadcast them via social media. That’s not a particularly unusual viewpoint.
Constantly monitoring your date's social media seems obsessive to me. And plenty of people don't like or engage in monogamy at all.

It's entirely up to the OP what boundaries she wants to set, of course. But monogamy obsessives do tend to make themselves and others miserable, and it isn't terribly healthy to spend all your time fussing about what is and is not a breach of monogamy.

Keke94LND · 21/01/2022 11:51

@toomanypuns

I love him. That's the problem but I love myself more because I know it is a big deal for me having been so badly let down by a cheat in the past. I'm hyper vigilant but my gut is screaming at me. I think it's completely unacceptable to be adding / accepting random very attractive women who he doesn't know ,to a committed mans social media profile. So maybe I am Being unreasonable. As for ex bumble dates... why keep them and like their posts when the date didn't work out? Surely I'm not being totally unreasonable ?
I'm a bit confused, is it like influencers with a big following that he is following or are they completely random girls? I follow a guy on insta who I don't know in real life, he doesn't have many followers but he has a YouTube channel that I watch sometimes, my bf would probably wonder why I follow him if he looked but it has a very innocent explanation
Nomoreporridge872 · 21/01/2022 11:52

@toomanypuns

I love him. That's the problem but I love myself more because I know it is a big deal for me having been so badly let down by a cheat in the past. I'm hyper vigilant but my gut is screaming at me. I think it's completely unacceptable to be adding / accepting random very attractive women who he doesn't know ,to a committed mans social media profile. So maybe I am Being unreasonable. As for ex bumble dates... why keep them and like their posts when the date didn't work out? Surely I'm not being totally unreasonable ?
You’re not being unreasonable at all. I’m baffled by the people who think it’s ok honestly
iamnlhfss · 21/01/2022 11:53

I do expect monogamy and I do expect that my boyfriend ... in his late forties btw... does not publically announce via likes, that he finds random women and ex dates v attractive. Is that not a normal boundary. I want my bar to remain high so I won't tolerate his creepiness

Then get rid because obviously you're not compatible. He thinks it's ok. You don't. And it's one of those things that you can't compromise on.

Sunnydaysofspring · 21/01/2022 11:53

It depends on the circumstances revolving the ex too. My boyfriends last girlfriend isn't actually on his social media. They split in 2019. So it's coming up to 3 years. She still checks in on him. She was jealous when she discovered me and tried to sabotage us by suggesting to him she didn't trust women. She doesn't know how caring I am and how I've supported him in many ways.
My boyfriend was too happy sitting on the fence with it though. He wanted me. But he wanted to still have a friendship with his ex. But they didn't give one another any space after the split. So it's like she still has this space in his life. Even though she shouldn't.

Exes can be damaging too in certain situations.

I think unfortunately this is how humans will continue to do relationships now social media is here to stay. Its affecting all age groups and it causes alot of pain and anxiety amongst couples.

I find it interesting that people don't think what he's doing is wrong. He's still investing in his exes and other women's appearances when his poor girlfriend can see. It's abit shitty. I find it very unattractive when a man can't focus on his own partner only. Don't get me wrong we all notice people occasionally. But we shouldn't be making statements to tell that person. A like button has a very powerful meaning behind it unless it's a genuine friendship.

SmellyOldOwls · 21/01/2022 11:54

YANBU. Adding female friends or workmates etc obviously is fine but random women Confused he sounds like a creep.

katepilar · 21/01/2022 12:02

@toomanypuns

No I don't have exes and I don't have an on line dates that I may have met. I also don't accept friend requests from men that I don't know and certainly wouldn't like them if I did. When someone I don't know manages to add me ( not very tech savvy) I delete them.
Some people just accept friend requests from anyone. I dont understand why they do it. They probably dont even think about why. Lond ago when social media first appear people used to do just about anything that the thing asked or enabled us to do and perhaps they have never grown out of that habbit. Some people also dont think about what they actually do in the internet space and what traces they leave etc. You can have a chat to your boyfriend about what it actually means to him as its likely something different to what it means to you.
Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 12:06

Do you seriously think I am being possessive because I am not accepting him liking and commenting on ex dates and random women's posts?
Then so be it.

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 12:07

He accepts requests from anyone and everyone.

OP posts:
Folklore9074 · 21/01/2022 12:07

Trust your instincts OP

3scape · 21/01/2022 12:10

If something is off, that it's encouraging you to be this closely checking, at such an early stage then you are not a good match. Maybe you are more serious about the relationship, maybe he does have a wandering eye. Either way, move on. Don't waste energy when things are causing worry early on.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 21/01/2022 12:10

Dump him.
Then block him.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 12:11

My gut has been screaming at me but I'm so fogged over from sleepless nights because of this , that I hope I'm not overthinking.
I love him but not at the expense of my
Mental health. I am presented every day with his women friends as suggested friends. I don't know one and have never heard of them or their names as he hasn't mentioned them.
I have been obsessed with checking his feed to see who else will pop up. What new woman and who she is and where she is from. It's not good for me and I want it to stop.
And I don't understand why it is in only the last two weeks that these women are constantly appearing on my suggested friends list. Any thoughts on that?

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 21/01/2022 12:11

How long have you been together?

crazyjinglist · 21/01/2022 12:14

It would never occur to me to monitor dh's sm use, or to be bothered about him having exes as FB friends. It also wouldn't occur to me to think it was odd for a married/attached person to add contacts of the opposite sex as friends. Being friends/acquaintances with people of both sexes is a perfectly normal thing to do imo.

However... your boyfriend adding people gone on one date with, and particularly following lots of women and making comments about their attractiveness?! Ughhh. He sounds like a total and utter slimeball tbh.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 12:14

Over a year.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 21/01/2022 12:16

@Shoxfordian

If it bothers you then it’s valid You decide your own boundaries op
This pretty much. There's no other answer imo
gamerchick · 21/01/2022 12:16

You just aren't compatible OP. There's nothing wrong with that. He's not going to change, so you can either put up or leave him. It's that simple.

I will say though, if my bloke trawled through my SM and told me what was unacceptable I'd run a mile from him.

User838960 · 21/01/2022 12:16

I have experienced this but in reverse - my partner had an issue with me still having contacts on social media, even as phone contacts (I never go through my phone and delete anything!). I would send the odd like on instagram, get the odd Happy Birthday or how are you text. I knew it was innocent as I plaster my boyfriend all over the socials so they always knew I was in a happy relationship, and I've always remained on good terms with anyone I've been on dates with or been in a relationship.

I understand it made him uncomfortable, so I ended up blocking their numbers/removing them from social media. I guess in theory they are people I would never have seen again (not keeping options open or anything) so there was no harm in getting rid of them all.

I think if it makes you uncomfortable then he should have no issues removing them.

User838960 · 21/01/2022 12:17

I do also find it really weird to add random women to your social media that you don't know!

Abbo552 · 21/01/2022 12:21

You can dump him for whatever reason you want

💯% this, but it does go both ways of course, he could dump you for any reason etc

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 12:22

Social media is public.
What is so wrong with going through anyone's social media especially when you first meet. I would encourage everyone to do that. Might save heartbreak down the line. If he is happy to publically post anything, why he annoyed if your partner hours through it for a look? It's public after all .
Only for men and women actually going with their gut and checking their
Partners public profiles, many cheaters would continue to cheat.
I certainly won't be telling him to change but I will tell him that if he doesn't see that what he is doing is disrespectful to me and us, I won't be continuing the relationship. He needs to come to that conclusion himself ... if that's what he wants or what will happen . If he doesn't and we completely disagree on this, then we're over by mutual agreement I expect.
Either way I'm not tolerating that shit and the more I read the more insight I am getting and appreciate all of these posts. I love mn at times like this.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 21/01/2022 12:23

You can dump someone for any reason.

I will say guys who post comments like ‘beautiful’ or ‘stunning’ or heart eyes on posts of women they don’t even know, I find it really embarrassing and desperate. It draws to mind a man in his forties slavering over a 19 year old for some reason and it’s just really cringey.

Thelnebriati · 21/01/2022 12:25

How would he react if you added random men? Does he follow any men? I wouldn't be comfortable with this.
Its not controlling to be uncomfortable, it just means you arent compatible.
(Or it could mean he's using crazy making behaviour to undermine you.)

bunsnroses1 · 21/01/2022 12:26

He sounds like a thirsty desperado. Very unattractive, you can do better x