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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am about to dump my bf for this... AIBU?

162 replies

toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 09:23

He has exes and on line ex dates on his social media and likes their posts regularly.
No messaging or comments.
He adds and allows random women, not necessarily sexy profile pics , to his account.
AIBU here? He thinks it's not an issue.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 21/01/2022 10:28

@Shoxfordian

Yanbu if you’re uncomfortable with it You can dump him for whatever reason you want
This. You don't need an excuse.
gettingmylifetogether · 21/01/2022 10:36

Does he add random men too?

I don't think it's an issue to be friends with ex-girlfriends, but ex-Bumble dates is a bit weird. If you met up with someone one or two times and decided there was no spark, I don't think the normal reaction would be to add them to your social media and like their posts until the end of time.

When a relationship ends, if it ends on good terms, it can turn into a friendship. I'm less convinced about a casual online date.

LeifSan · 21/01/2022 10:37

You’re not comfortable with it so yes break up with him. It’s up to you to decide what you find acceptable or not.

For me, this would be fine and I wouldn’t want to date anyone who kept such close tabs on my social media. I also don’t mind if someone I date does these things. But it’s no use what I am comfortable with, i’m not you.

FWIW I think it’s a smart move to end things rather than trying to force someone to change what they are comfortable with. That way you’re not controlling him but not are you putting up with something that triggers you so badly.

TooManyPJs · 21/01/2022 10:48

I wouldn't have an issue with the exes. The random women thing is a bit weird though. Not sure I'd be comfortable with that.

ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 10:48

Yes, it's disrespectful when a partnered man does this.
But I find it distasteful & shabby when single men do it too. @Sunnydaysofspring has articulated why brilliantly -

But If we was sat in a pub and our boyfriend did a walk around the room telling all the women what he liked about them he'd be a pig. Its just funny how it being on a screen is accepted.

It's revolting. These men don't slime their way onto other men's timelines 'appreciating' the men's handsomeness, do they? Creeps.

Flocon · 21/01/2022 10:53

If you're not happy with it then just leave him

WonderfulYou · 21/01/2022 10:54

I can’t see him doing anything wrong. Many people add people they don’t know and have exes on there.

However if this is your line, it’s your line. Don’t settle for something you’re not happy with.

NorthernLighting · 21/01/2022 10:54

You don’t sound compatible and he needs to grow up. Dump him, and make a point of removing him on sm.

FireworkParrot · 21/01/2022 10:57

I don't think it's an issue to be friends with ex-girlfriends, but ex-Bumble dates is a bit weird. If you met up with someone one or two times and decided there was no spark, I don't think the normal reaction would be to add them to your social media and like their posts until the end of time.

This is it for me. The ex girlfriends, fine I can understand that. Some random person you had one date with or a complete stranger he doesn't know is just weird. I know people have different lines on this sort of thing, for example my friend's DH likes all sorts of "random sexy lady" social media and subscirbes to a couple of Only Fans accounts. She thinks it's totally normal and her DH is a "red blooded man". I think it's totally disrespectful and her DH is a creep.

I'd be dumping him too OP, it's a totally valid reason if you're uncomfortable with it.

Sweep89 · 21/01/2022 10:58

I wouldn't do this to my partner. It's disrespectful in my opinion. However, what you are and aren't okay with is entirely up to you . Only you can decide if you should leave him over it. Maybe try taking to him first and explaining how it makes you feel? Whatever the outcome I wish you all the best!

Gonnagetgoing · 21/01/2022 11:16

If he's listed as single on social media etc and he's adding random women then he's keeping his options open in my eyes, so yes, would dump him. He's not that into you I think.

Gonnagetgoing · 21/01/2022 11:17

being friends with ex dates on Bumble etc too - no, why would you? I recently saw an liked and added to Instagram someone I dated on Bumble before I started seeing current boyfriend and we had a quick chat but there was no way I was going to start seeing him again. We had a quick chat and that was that.

LemonTT · 21/01/2022 11:19

It’s ok to dump him for this. But it would be wrong to threaten to dump him to change his behaviour. He either respects you or not. If you need him to prove it then that is control issue for you to address in yourself.

Wreath21 · 21/01/2022 11:24

As everyone is saying, you can dump someone for any reason whatsoever - no one is owed an ongoing relationship and it is not compulsory to be in one.

However, you sound a bit hyper-vigilant and obsessed with monogamy, and this may not be very healthy. If you stress all the time at the mere idea that someone you are dating looks in the direction of another woman, you will make yourself and future partners miserable.

endofthecorridoor · 21/01/2022 11:28

Hi OP

i think this depends on the type of social media and your age. If its Facebook and you are 40 I would say bad but if your in your twenties and its Instagram its a completely different scenario.

My SS has a girlfriend and loads of female friends , some ex's some not and i'm sure they are all on his instagram. Its not a drama it shows he does not ghost his ex girlfriends and actually likes them.

godmum56 · 21/01/2022 11:33

@Hoppinggreen

Dump his for whatever reason you want/no reason at all. You don’t need his agreement or permission
or Mumsnet either
iamnlhfss · 21/01/2022 11:35

The random women and ex-dates is a bit odd.
The exes, not so much. If they still get on well then no reason why they wouldn't occasionally like each other posts. Not every single post though...
The only male friends I've had liking every single photo and post on facebook were trying to get into my knickers.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what we think - if you think it's off (to the extent of asking about it on here) then it's obviously not acceptable to you so split with him.

Diggersaursarethebest · 21/01/2022 11:35

Wreath21 I think describing OP as being ´obsessed’ with monogamy is a bit of a reach. Most people expect monogamy within a committed relationship. OP prefers that her partners to not advertise the fact they may find other women attractive. That doesn’t mean she expects them to never feel attracted to another woman or to never think about other women privately. She just doesn’t want to know about those thoughts and feelings or for her partner to continually broadcast them via social media. That’s not a particularly unusual viewpoint.

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/01/2022 11:42

Oh by the single status on fb is a red herring - I've been with my bf for 8 months and we both are still single on fb! Mainly for me because I am a private person and it hasn't crossed my mind to change it. Social media is the killer of many relationships and not always with reason.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 21/01/2022 11:42

I do expect monogamy and I do expect that my boyfriend ... in his late forties btw... does not publically announce via likes, that he finds random women and ex dates v attractive. Is that not a normal boundary. I want my bar to remain high so I won't tolerate his creepiness .

OP posts:
CrumblyCrimble · 21/01/2022 11:43

You are not being oversensitive. You have clear boundaries, you have stated them, and he is not willing to respect him.
Maybe he isn't doing anything wrong. Maybe he is. It's not totally about that now.

Good for you knowing your own mind.

girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 11:46

I think people who add anyone and everyone on their social media are weird.

Interacting with strangers is fine if it's platonic but if he's commenting and liking posts from women he doesn't know he's giving off the wrong impression.

Keke94LND · 21/01/2022 11:48

If you don't like it then you don't like it, but I don't think he's really done much wrong.. I follow random guys on insta and I like photos of my ex's (except the ones I hate lol), my bf knows and he doesn't care.. but fair enough if it bothers you, but I have you spoken with your boyfriend about it first?

FindingMeno · 21/01/2022 11:50

It always amazes me at how possessive some people are.
A partner is with you till they're not, and restrictions won't change the trajectory.

Nomoreporridge872 · 21/01/2022 11:50

@toomanypuns

I know I can't change him. I had hoped that we were on the same page about this and we're not obviously. When we first met and I was checking his social media to get a feel for what type a man he was publically, I found that he was liking in sexy women's photos. They were relatively tasteful but saw comments like hot/ beautiful/ stunning etc . He did not know these women , just random women on ig. I didn't like it and told him and he stopped commenting but still likes their posts. Is it not a respect issue? Does it not reflect badly on me and him?
No it doesn’t reflect badly on you. But it does reflect badly on him. It’s a grim, tacky way to behave and I would lose some respect for any male friend/boyfriend/whoever who did that