I am about to dump my bf for this... AIBU?

[toomanypuns]

He has exes and on line ex dates on his social media and likes their posts regularly.
No messaging or comments.
He adds and allows random women, not necessarily sexy profile pics , to his account.
AIBU here? He thinks it's not an issue.

Post-divorce I deleted my social media accounts. I went on lots of dates from Bumble and tinder.
When I met Mrs hr she encouraged me to renew my social media presence Facebook etc.
As soon as I did, up popped dozens of women who I had dated, chatted to.
It was a bit of a nuisance for a while, I had a rather persistent stalker, who actually messaged this summer whilst Mrs hr had my phone in her hand.
'Hi, how are you xxx', Mrs hr replied, 'Hi he's fine, how is your husband'.
She even called off a random number for a chat at 12-30am. She was very persistent, she's disappeared. For now.

However, it's settled down now. I did recently have a happy new yr from someone I dated 3 yrs ago. Chatted for a bit then let the convo die down. I know Mrs hr has random and old flames who occasionally attempt to reconnect.

Neither of us is bothered.

I certainly won't be telling him to change but I will tell him that if he doesn't see that what he is doing is disrespectful to me and us, I won't be continuing the relationship. He needs to come to that conclusion himself ... if that's what he wants or what will happen

Perfect response, you cannot “police”, someone, but can point out their behaviours and how it makes you feel.

My ex used to "like" pics of his young female co worker pole dancing (she covered social media in the pics) but he somehow couldn't work out how to like any of the family pics he was tagged in? you know, the ones with our children in?

After I asked him to leave and started the divorce I discovered that his work mates all thought I had serious mental health issues and that the marriage had been "over with us living separate lives" for months. This wasn't true in the slightest although he was abusive emotionally by that point.

You're allowed to set the boundaries you want - if he cant respect them then you are within your rights to decide he isn't the guy for you.

I want my bar to remain high so I won't tolerate his creepiness

Sounds like you’ve made your decision.

I assume you don’t live together or have children so breaking up will be smoother.

Lots of men will share your views so I don’t think you’ll have any trouble finding anyone else.

It's a valid reason to you.
That's what matters.

You don't like it.
He does.

You vote with your feet.

You don't need anyone else to agree that you have permission to end things. This isn't working for you and that's all the reason you need.

@Shoxfordian

If it bothers you then it’s valid You decide your own boundaries op

Would you say this to a man? That he can tell his girlfriend she can't be friends with men, even if it's just liking a photo? Sounds ridiculously controlling.

I've made my decision depending on how he responds to my boundaries.
If I feel that he comes to his own conclusion at how disrespectful, creepy and inappropriate he s being and deletes all of these random women and there are loads ... then we move on.
If he does not see an issue with his behaviour, I'm off. I'll speak to him later and I will return to you to let you know how I get on because I have had so much good advice which has helped me sort out my thoughts also.

The key thing for me would be that he is still set to 'single'.

Options wiiiiiide open.

You don't sound compatible, giving him an ultimatum isn't going to help with that.

You will drive yourself mad tracking his every click online by the sounds of it. Don't be in a relationship that isn't making you happy.

You can dump someone for any reason you like. Nobody has any obligation to stay in a relationship if their partner keeps doing something that makes you unhappy. It’s not about whether what he’s doing is OK or not, it’s about compatibility. You would be better off with someone who doesn’t do this, and your boyfriend would be better off with someone who doesn’t mind that he does it.

Step back from Facebook and dump him.

I think you're absolutely right. It's not acceptable to be publicly declaring his attraction to these women, and tbh he should realise this by himself. The fact he doesn't is insane.
My husband would never dream of being so disrespectful, and neither would, and neither of us would tolerate it from the other either!
You're absolutely right to hold your MH and self respect far above this guy.
Also, I don't think there's anything weird about checking out a prospective partners social media to gage how they behave outside of your relationship...not sure why anyone would find that odd. It's sensible and adds to the general picture you have of this individual.

*and neither would I

Would you say this to a man? That he can tell his girlfriend she can't be friends with men, even if it's just liking a photo? Sounds ridiculously controlling.

If the man's g/f was adding & liking dozens of random strangers, but only goodlooking male ones, & commenting stuff like "hiya handsome", I wouldn't say the man could tell his girlfriend what she is allowed to do, @Gwenhwyfar.

I'd be advising him to dump her for being a shallow attention-whore though.

It's not controlling to dislike an obsession with following strangers based on their physical attractiveness, & persistent "look at me" behaviour aimed at the opposite sex.
I hope OP dumps her b/f pronto, he sounds like a dick.

You can dump him for any reason you want.

This would be something I dump for.

Mind you, I was commented on an old friends photo saying “looking handsome” and DH asked who this man was. It was one of my best friends when I was at school: he is gay (and to be honest it wasn’t difficult to see that from his profile)

Does he add random men or is it just random women?
Its kinda weird/cringey when you get friend requests from random blokes and you look at their friends lists and its all just women, usually young women.

I think if something about this guy sets off your bullshit radar then its absolutely reasonable to dump him. You dont owe anyone a relationship with you. Better to dump him than to go on about it or feel rubbish because he seems to be constantly sniffing round for female attention. Stick to your boundaries

I think there is a lot if disconnect on SM.

I find that FB is usually restricted to ‘real’ friends and family but IG and Twitter aren’t. People follow and comment on anyone and everyone wo having a link with them. A bit like you would comment on MN on anything from someone position on covid or brexit to the way they want to organise their kitchen.
The difference of course is that with IG it’s all about photos/visuals.

So… whilst this would annoy me quite a bit (because I think there is a lot of disrespect and misogyny behind those likes), I could understand the idea he doesn’t actually care about them. It’s about some sort of ego boost etc…

What I do NOT understand in that context is the fact he is still listing himself as single, especially when he carries on following old dates etc… Now for me that’s sending a very different message, including the fact he is still open to something with someone else than you.

Btw @toomanypuns, I’m impressed at how you are holding tight to your own boundaries.

👏👏👏

Through noseying on my boyfriends page I've found out that stuff I thought was personal to us was stuff he's already joked about with his ex.

The worst one was when we both shared our love of gavin and Stacey. We watched it together. Then he randomly says me and my ex used to say how weird it was because I'm from Essex and her family are from Wales. I remember wanting to say your ex was born in Nottinghamshire and you haven't lived in Essex since 1991.

He also has said the same affectionate things to her and he had a massive laugh with me one night about an old advert advertising a juice drink. I was scrolling through his Facebook and his ex had tagged him in a YouTube video of that advert. He also made out he didn't know what steak and bj day was. Well it turns out he wrote a status joking he was collecting steaks on the way home and his girlfriend wrote hurry home sweetheart to him.
I'm glad I know this stuff about his past because I can encourage us to find new things to laugh and talk about. He seems really uncreative at times and seems to repeat stuff rather than find new things.

Thanks@MananaTomorrow . I'm really sad though because I know in my heart it's over.
Even when f ye came back and said that he sees how gross it all is, would I ever trust him? Be able to differentiate between real friends:: colleagues/ exes etc .
It's done a right number on my mg this past fortnight.
Even reading how shocked people are that he presents as single . Why didn't I see that. Why did it not bother me ?

Mg= mh

The key thing for me would be that he is still set to 'single'.

Options wiiiiiide open.

I completely disagree.

I don’t know anyone over the age of 18 who updates their relationship status on FB or anyone who notices other people’s relationship status on FB and takes it as fact.

Isn’t their options like ‘it’s complicated’ - that says it all.

Like others have said its based on instinct and gut feeling.

Woman have intuition to protect them for a reason - there may be others things are off.

Some BFs I have had have been in touch with exes and some bother me and others dont. One imparticular I said to a friend - I really do not think its over between them, I should hire a private investigator (said in ‘jest’). Few weeks later he ghosted me and it transpired they had never broken up. Other BFs I have had, have had relationships with exes on social media and I have not batted an eyelid.

Its all individual and case by case.

He sounds sleazy. I wouldn’t find that behaviour attractive and it would give me the ick.

There are plenty of men who don’t behave like this, who find it immature and cringey.

wreath21
There’s nothing wrong with rejecting monogamy. But I think you will probably find you are in the minority rather than the majority in your viewpoint on this issue.
I would gently suggest that characterizing everyone who wants monogamy and expects partners to keep sexual attraction to others to themselves as ´monogamy obsessed’ is not healthy. A healthy approach would be to recognize that people who reject monogamy and people who expect monogamy do not make compatible romantic partners.