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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my sister to not have a baby so near 50

182 replies

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/01/2022 19:55

I know the answer is to mind my own godamn business but all the women in my family have world ending menopause and she's trying for her first at 48 with fertility treatment.
I just know she will be having a horrific menopause in a couple of years with one or two very young children and I dont know how she will cope.
Has anyone else gone through the menopause with young children and how was it?

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 20/01/2022 22:44

Oh and @barbiesshrimp, I was quoting another poster, the bit in bold was their post, not mine Smile

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/01/2022 22:46

Op said she is going to tell sister not to have baby. Had she phrased it better "should I be worried about sister having toddler when going through menopause. Should I explain how difficult it is?" She may have got a different response.

This.

Cameleongirl · 20/01/2022 22:52

Well, one of my friends had a baby at 47, conceived naturally and a complete surprise! I know it’s unusual, but it can happen.

She’s now 60 with a 17 and 13-year-old. She’s been through the menopause, I don’t think she had an especially rough time, she told me when her periods stopped but didn’t say anything else ( we’re pretty close so I think she’d have told me if it was awful). She does get tired sometimes, but so do I ( I’m 47 with two teens).😂

MrsGinnyM · 20/01/2022 22:54

I see Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells has turned up upthread. Hmm

Tsokay · 20/01/2022 23:12

OP, there's nothing wrong with you talking to your sister about this, sharing your opinion, and giving her advice. It shows you are concerned and care for her. I wish my sisters were the same. They would probably quietly watch me make a mistake find joy in my failure.

Talk to her but in a kind, loving way. Women in their late 40s have had children. It's not impossible. If this is what she really wants, she can try. Who is ever truly ready to have a child? Women have children in challenging circumstances whatever their age.

YANU to tell her your opinion. She can then do what she wants with it.

ThePlumVan · 20/01/2022 23:12

Support your sister no matter what x

barbiesshrimp · 20/01/2022 23:18

@KurtWilde

Oh and *@barbiesshrimp*, I was quoting another poster, the bit in bold was their post, not mine Smile
Ah sorry @KurtWilde :)
Cheekypeach · 20/01/2022 23:19

@ThePlumVan

Support your sister no matter what x
Sometimes the most ‘supportive’ thing you can do is be honest, even when it’s difficult.
Cryalot2 · 20/01/2022 23:23

Her choice. Please just be happy for her and support her.

Nat6999 · 21/01/2022 00:05

I got pregnant at 44, sadly I lost my baby at 16 weeks, had the pregnancy been successful I would have been 45 when she was born, I had a 7 year old ds as well. I didn't feel any different to when I was pregnant with ds. If I hadn't had to have a hysterectomy at 45 I would have tried again.

Aphrodite31 · 21/01/2022 00:21

YABU to interfere and undermine her. She will manage somehow if she does have a child. High likelihood is she won't have a successful pregnancy anyhow, which will be very sad for her. So just leave her to it and be supportive when needed.

BintheZoflora · 21/01/2022 01:29

It’s really not any of your business and was probably a really hard decision for her to take the plunge and try fertility treatment.

Not to mention fertility treatment is grim in my experience and so she might not find menopause that bad?

If I were your sister and you said something I’d be fuming tbh

londonrach · 21/01/2022 06:07

What a horrible sister you are. You support your sister it's her decision not yours. Yabu and a nasty person. Re the menapause...alot of woman go through it with no problems..you no idea what hers be like and what age she have it.

miltonj · 21/01/2022 06:30

I'm usually n the mind your own business camp with most things. However in this case the OP just wants to be there for her sister who obviously needs guidance. If our nearest and dearest didn't step in every now and again then we would all be making terrible decisions left, right and centre.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 21/01/2022 06:46

I know the answer is to mind my own godamn business

cptartapp · 21/01/2022 07:03

My friend tried for a pregnancy and had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17.
I thought she was bonkers but said nothing.

CityMumma78 · 21/01/2022 09:11

I’m sorry you’re getting grief on here! Honestly some MN’ers!!!
Within a family you should be able to be honest. Having a baby at 48 is best case but likely, if successful, it will be 49! Having had 2 children myself and I’m now in my mid-40’s with teenagers I can’t imagine having a baby and going through the toddler stages… the sleepless nights, challenging behaviour, running around to play dates, groups, pre-school and school! There is a reason a woman’s body starts to naturally change to avoid pregnancy. I think your sister is both naïve and selfish!

Sedai · 21/01/2022 09:15

@DirtyDancing

Why don't you just be there for her & support her decision instead. Her chances at 48 are very slim. She may need you to be there for her, rather than to judge her and tell her what to do
Exactly my thoughts. If it doesn't work, she will remember who who was supportive and who was critical.
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 21/01/2022 09:41

I don't think there's really anything you can say

I'm 44 and have primary school children, it's nothing like having a new born and I'm fit and healthy

Having watched my mum taking on more care of my grandparents over the last 5 years and she's in her 60s it's not something I'd want to risk for my children at a young age when they will most likely also be looking after young children themselves.

I know this is mn where no one looks out for family members but back in the real world most people love their elderly parents and support them when they get old

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/01/2022 09:43

Not your business.

CoastalWave · 21/01/2022 09:47

@CharlotteRose90

No please tell her it’s wrong and selfish. My mum had me at 44 and it breaks my heart knowing she’s in her 70s now and I might not have long with her. I was also bullied at school for having an older parent. Once you get to a certain age it shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.
She might live til 100 ffs!

I think you need to grow up a little!

No one is guaranteed their parent at any age.

Lavender24 · 21/01/2022 09:51

I think she is nuts but it's pointless telling her and falling out over it. She's obviously desperate for a child and I doubt she'll listen to logic and reason where this issue is concerned. Her chances of succeeding with her own eggs are next to none anyway.

Sparechange · 21/01/2022 12:59

@HelloFrostyMorning

DH was 48 when DS2 was born - does that make him selfish and disgusting or is that just women?

Isaw3ships · 21/01/2022 13:06

What would be the point? I’m sure she’s thought about the pros and cons of being an older parent

Adrianneanneanne · 21/01/2022 14:17

No one is guaranteed their parent at any age.

I mean no disrespect to people who had kids later, but chance of death tends to increase with age.

There has to be a cut off point, especially for men who can potentially father children well into old age.