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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my sister to not have a baby so near 50

182 replies

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/01/2022 19:55

I know the answer is to mind my own godamn business but all the women in my family have world ending menopause and she's trying for her first at 48 with fertility treatment.
I just know she will be having a horrific menopause in a couple of years with one or two very young children and I dont know how she will cope.
Has anyone else gone through the menopause with young children and how was it?

OP posts:

MouseholeCat · 20/01/2022 22:06

Only tell her this if you don't value your relationship with her. Because she'll almost certainly be extremely hurt and feel you've overstepped a boundary.

KurtWilde · 20/01/2022 22:07

OP I'm sure your sister will have considered all the things you're concerned about, and it's quite patronising of you to think she hasn't. If she's happy to go ahead then you really do need to consider supporting her rather than interfering.

NorthSouthcatlady · 20/01/2022 22:08

@Wisenotboring ovulation doesn’t mean the eggs are any good, at that age they would typically be terrible quality. The closest to a baby she would get is a miscarriage most likely with her I’ve eggs. Lots of women at 40/41 are advised to go down the donor egg route and 48 is older than that

Nat6999 · 20/01/2022 22:08

My Grandma was nearly 50 when my dad was born, his Sister & brothers were 17, 15 & 11 years older than him. It isn't anything new to have children at that age & probably there are more women doing it because of ivf.

HollaHolla · 20/01/2022 22:09

One of my best friends is 49 and continues to try. No fertility treatment. Just ‘it will happen if it’s meant to..’ Her partner is 58, and they’ve been trying for about 4 years.
On one hand, I really want it to happen for her, as it’s all she’s ever wanted; on the other hand, it’s totally ridiculous, and i really worry about how she will be, when/if it doesn’t happen.

Franklyfrost · 20/01/2022 22:10

What if you tell her not to because of the menopause and she takes that into consideration and then doesn’t have a difficult menopause? What if you support her and the baby isn’t okay because of her age? Don’t give any advice.

HollaHolla · 20/01/2022 22:10

(I will say that my granny was 49 when she had the last of her 7 children!)

KurtWilde · 20/01/2022 22:12

Honestly don't know why so many posters seem to be shocked by it. Women have been having babies well into their 40s forever

Rubyupbeat · 20/01/2022 22:13

Surely she knows just as well as you do about the families nightmare menopauses and has made up her own mind?

lborgia · 20/01/2022 22:22

Just to reassure you (because it sounds to me as if you're scared about hitting menopause), my mum had a world ending menopause.

I started to, uncontrollable bleeding, extreme mood etc etc.. but had an ablation, no more bleeding, and then went on a kind of hrt called livial.

Didn't even "experience" the rest of it. Don't worry, things have changed a lot in the last 5-10 years!

Oh, and your sister. I'm sure she's perfectly aware of the possible clash. Can't help thinking she's probably thought about it all a bit, and this is now her plan.

Keep it schtum.🤐

HelloFrostyMorning · 20/01/2022 22:25

@KurtWilde

Honestly don't know why so many posters seem to be shocked by it. Women have been having babies well into their 40s forever

I'm not shocked. Just pretty disgusted by it. 'Trying for a baby' at 48-50 years old is wrong on so many levels.

Lena18 · 20/01/2022 22:25

Please do not get involved. You have no idea how she might be feeling. This is none of your business m.

HelloFrostyMorning · 20/01/2022 22:26

And yes, I would say/DO say the same about a man.

Aphrodite31 · 20/01/2022 22:29

Why will she have 'a horrific menopause' ?

GreenShadow · 20/01/2022 22:30

Seriously?
The menopause isn't necessarily a problem. Many people sail through it. It's got a lot of bad press recently which gives the impression everyone suffers horrendously, but that's by no means true.

barbiesshrimp · 20/01/2022 22:30

@KurtWilde

There must be some bloody unfit and out of condition women on this thread. I'm 48 and feel EXACTLY the same as i did at 20. Exactly. I don't look 'old' and can keep up with my 2 primary aged kids just fine thank you very much.

I'm 47 this year and can easily keep up with my primary age DC. I also have adult DC and look after my 2yo and 7 month old grandsons for half the week while their parents work. Not an issue at all. I'm probably fitter now than I was when my older DC were babies, and I was only in my early 20's then!

Why is everyone acting like almost 50 means almost dead

I mentioned my aunt upthread, but my mum was also an 'older' mum, 39 when she had me and 43 when she had my youngest sibling. She said she barely noticed menopause, she was too busy being a mum.

There's some odd comments on this thread.

You have primary aged kids at 48, your not beginning fertility treatment which is not even remotely the same so I'm not sure why you're taking offence

barbiesshrimp · 20/01/2022 22:32

Op said she is going to tell sister not to have baby. Had she phrased it better "should I be worried about sister having toddler when going through menopause. Should I explain how difficult it is?" She may have got a different response.

Oh come on people, if she was that brash and controlling she'd have said it already - not be posting on Mumsnet asking for advice on how to approach it.

VelvetChairGirl · 20/01/2022 22:34

Mind your own business OP she can do what she wants.

Dillydollydingdong · 20/01/2022 22:34

Best keep your mouth shut. She's going to carry on trying, no matter what you say, so you might as well let her get on with it and keep your relationship on an even keel.

amc8583 · 20/01/2022 22:38

Gosh, talk about harsh comments on this thread, so typical of MN.

Just be a quiet supporter, she has made up her mind and sometimes you just have to let people get on with it. At her age, unfortunately chances are slim, nothing is impossible but medically, things are just not on her side. If it was my sister I'd be really concerned by what her body would have to go through physically and mentally, nevermind the outcome of falling pregnant or not.
Interestingly, I'm 38 and about to go into my 3rd trimester and I'm feeling like an older mother for sure.

cutietooties · 20/01/2022 22:39

Did you have trouble conceiving? If you didn't then I wouldn't say anything. She's probably aware how hard being an older mother may be on her body but if she really wants a baby then she wants a baby. Support her, going through all this is probably hard enough without you throwing more hurdles her way

BeefSupreme · 20/01/2022 22:40

How do you know her menopause will be horrific? Is this something that can be predicted?

KurtWilde · 20/01/2022 22:41

You have primary aged kids at 48, your not beginning fertility treatment which is not even remotely the same so I'm not sure why you're taking offence

@barbiesshrimp I'm not taking offence, I'm pointing out that I'm just as fit at this age as I was at 22, and honestly I'd have another baby tomorrow if the chance arose. And I'm not 48

QueenBee70 · 20/01/2022 22:41

She obviously wants a family so just support her . If she gets pregnant it may well change the course of her menopause and just because others have suffered it doesn’t mean she will. My Mother has a horrendous menopause but I didn’t have the same symptoms as her . I started the peri menopause when my Daughter was 6 .she’s 12 now and I’m 52 . There are pros and cons to late motherhood .

KurtWilde · 20/01/2022 22:44

I'm not shocked. Just pretty disgusted by it. 'Trying for a baby' at 48-50 years old is wrong on so many levels

Well this post wins. Disgusted?? Do you think at 48 women are pretty much ready to be put out to pasture then?

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