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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my sister to not have a baby so near 50

182 replies

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/01/2022 19:55

I know the answer is to mind my own godamn business but all the women in my family have world ending menopause and she's trying for her first at 48 with fertility treatment.
I just know she will be having a horrific menopause in a couple of years with one or two very young children and I dont know how she will cope.
Has anyone else gone through the menopause with young children and how was it?

OP posts:
Regardingtheduck · 20/01/2022 21:04

Important for you to support her ....she must be hyperaware of her nearing menopause and doesn't need the obvious stated ....the pain of the regret of not trying IVF might be worse than any other pain menopause or whatever.....so let her manage her body as she wants -

cafedesreves · 20/01/2022 21:04

Oops!
Didn't mean the I'm

Twillow · 20/01/2022 21:04

Say nothing. Be supportive. She may need you for 101 reasons. Don't say I told you so. Her life.

Thevengabusiscoming · 20/01/2022 21:04

Just tell her she’s your sister, everyone’s saying it’s none of your business it isn’t if it is not going to affect your life and that she will not rely on you to babysit etc. 48 is old though and I couldn’t imagine taking my child to nursery in my 50s but it’s her choice and you can either support her or not. Chances are it won’t happen. Most people I know that age have a couple of grandkids and they get judged too just like all these older mums.

calliecapers · 20/01/2022 21:05

I think she has provably thought it alp through

You should support her regardless of outcome

TearifficTaz · 20/01/2022 21:05

@Twillow

Say nothing. Be supportive. She may need you for 101 reasons. Don't say I told you so. Her life.
The fact she might need the OP is one of the many reasons this isn't just 'her life'
Ikona · 20/01/2022 21:06

Honestly, 48 is too late to be having a baby, it's not at all fair on the child. However, it's not one of those things you can go ahead and tell someone not to do. It's a bad idea, but if she's dead set on going ahead with it, I don't think she'd listen even if you did voice your concerns.

Aderyn21 · 20/01/2022 21:06

I think it's okay to feel concern for your sister and to express those concerns to her in a gentle way. That said, she may well be okay - I personally wouldn't fancy having a baby at 48 but that's because I've been parenting for 24 years and am knackered. If it was my first, I'd probably have more energy and enthusiasm for it!
I don't entirely agree that without ivf there's no chance of her having a baby. I think it used to be common before contraception was widely available - I've recently started HRT and the dr asked me about contraception so it not impossible, although she'd have a higher chance of having a baby with health issues. If she proceeds then be supportive because her decision has been made and she's entitled to all the excitement and enthusiasm from her family that she would have received had she been younger!

Yummypumpkin · 20/01/2022 21:06

Your sister is bravely following her dreams.

I can't imagine how hurtful your attitude must be to her.

I assume you're older and feel protective but she is a grown woman.

Women going through menopause run international companies, pick up hot new boyfriends, compete ultra marathons and study for PhDs. She's not an invalid and the child we be hugely cherished, I'm sure.

DirectionToPerfection · 20/01/2022 21:09

Your sister is bravely following her dreams.

The poor child will have to be brave when they face the consequences of their parents' choices.

Suzi888 · 20/01/2022 21:13

My DM did it- no issues at all. Confused
Why the drama?

“The poor child will have to be brave when they face the consequences of their parents' choices.” What issues might they be? Hmm

Lovely to see women supporting eachother 💪🏼🤣you go girls!

CoastalWave · 20/01/2022 21:14

@NoMoreFries

I don't think it's fair on the child to have a mum of 48 or probably 49 by the time the child arrives.

I wouldn't want a Mum that old.

Why does she want to do this now?

But yes probably best to allow her some space with some open-ended questions that aren't judgemental to allow her to explore her motives....

Christ. 50 is hardly old!!!! 80 is old!!!

There must be some bloody unfit and out of condition women on this thread. I'm 48 and feel EXACTLY the same as i did at 20. Exactly. I don't look 'old' and can keep up with my 2 primary aged kids just fine thank you very much.

IF i had another baby now ( I don't want one, so wouldn't happen but theoretically!) I 'm pretty sure I would be absolutely fine.

Do I need to go and google this world ending menopause stuff?!

Actually hilarious reading all these replies as if fifty is practically dead. At ANY age you're not guaranteed to be around for your kids. My friend lost her mum when she was 30 (the mum, not the kid)
Being a 'teen' with 'elderly' parents. Jeeezzz.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2022 21:16

@DirectionToPerfection

Your sister is bravely following her dreams.

The poor child will have to be brave when they face the consequences of their parents' choices.

What consequences? These supposed consequences are guaranteed?

My great grandmother had her last baby at 50, unplanned, obviously, but she lived to be 100 years old and was spritely to the end.

You write as though as soon as she turns 50 she'll be in a home.

Momijin · 20/01/2022 21:17

My youngest 2 were still at primary school when I went through menopause. Haven't noticed having the menopause at all, except not bleeding.

SW1amp · 20/01/2022 21:17

One of my running buddies is going through menopause atm with a 2 year old and a 4 year old.
The hardest thing for her about it is work and dealing with the brain fog, not the parenting aspect of it

She is 38, btw, and knew she would have premature menopause because of family history. I’m sure she would love to hear your judgey comments about women with toddlers and menopause

Nocutenamesleft · 20/01/2022 21:17

@Pegasushaswings

You should mind your own, I assume she has fertility problems to have started ttc now so why deny her the chance to be a mother?

I had a baby at 48 and yes I’m knackered but I don’t regret it for a minute, the worst part is everyone damn well commenting on my age all the time. If I could have had a baby earlier, of course I would have but it took till then to achieve a full term pg

This really. ❤️❤️
DirectionToPerfection · 20/01/2022 21:18

It's easy to diminish the experiences of children of older parents when you haven't actually been one yourself.

The amount of wishful thinking on this thread is incredible.

NoRaceInThisHorse · 20/01/2022 21:21

@DirectionToPerfection

It's easy to diminish the experiences of children of older parents when you haven't actually been one yourself.

The amount of wishful thinking on this thread is incredible.

Who says these posters haven't been the child of oder parents? Every experience is unique. There are benefits to being an older parent- stability with career etc. There are downsides, for some people, yes.
Aderyn21 · 20/01/2022 21:23

48 isn't 'old' in the way it used to be. People have better healthcare and live longer. And attitudinally we are younger than in the past. I don't believe a child would be massively disadvantaged growing up with a mum in her 50s/60s. Some people are old at 35 and others are young at 70! Especially if that mum is financially sorted and has plenty of time to devote to that child, which is more likely in an older woman whose career is already established.

Beowulfthethird · 20/01/2022 21:24

Why will her menopause be horrific?

Regardingtheduck · 20/01/2022 21:26

A lot of "young" parents manage to successfully mess up their kids its not exclusive to the older ones .....

FrogIAm · 20/01/2022 21:27

You sound lovely.
Also in the same sentence you sound like you’re taking the poss out of other family members with your air quotes.

Inastatus · 20/01/2022 21:29

It’s completely her business OP and there is no way you can know that she will have a horrific menopause - every woman is different.

priszilla · 20/01/2022 21:29

Respectfully, I think this has struck a nerve with some of the older mothers. In no way is the op unreasonable to be worried.

Risks are way higher at nearly 50 for mother and child during pregnancy, nevermind coping with menopause

Cheekypeach · 20/01/2022 21:29

There’s no harm in having a ‘Have you thought of X, Y and Z’ conversation. But I wouldn’t go into it all guns blazing. It’s a little selfish in my opinion to have a baby so late in life, but hardly a crime & it’s her life.