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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my sister to not have a baby so near 50

182 replies

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/01/2022 19:55

I know the answer is to mind my own godamn business but all the women in my family have world ending menopause and she's trying for her first at 48 with fertility treatment.
I just know she will be having a horrific menopause in a couple of years with one or two very young children and I dont know how she will cope.
Has anyone else gone through the menopause with young children and how was it?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 20/01/2022 20:15

The risks are far too great. And its unlikely she will conceive. You are right to be concerned but there is no point in you interfering if she has made up her mind to give it a go.

MintJulia · 20/01/2022 20:16

You're poking your nose into something that is none of your concern.

Opus17 · 20/01/2022 20:16

🤷🏼‍♀️ she'll likely do it anyway so I guess it won't be worth risking your relationship?

But fwiw, it's too old to have a child imo

toastofthetown · 20/01/2022 20:17

It's up to her to try to have children if she wants to. It's not for you to 'tell' her. She might feel that she'd rather go through the menopause with small children than without them.

emilyintheSE · 20/01/2022 20:18

Nothing wrong with having a baby at 48 these days.

Mind your own business. Good luck to your sister.

driftcompatible · 20/01/2022 20:18

Nothing to do with you. Back off. It's unlikely to work without donor eggs and IVF so it probably won't happen in which case you 'telling her' what to do is just unnecessary. Even if it does work - it's not your life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/01/2022 20:18

She presumably knows the menopause is around the corner as much as you do. She also knows having a baby can be tough. She knows her chances of even getting that far are low.

What good could lecturing the woman do?

Her clinic are supporting and advising her, leave it to them.

Either support her or leave her alone.

KurtWilde · 20/01/2022 20:19

I'll be dealing with teen behaviour during menopause, like toddlers but not as cuddlyGrin

CluelessAt50 · 20/01/2022 20:20

I got pregnant naturally at 46, contraceptive failure. I knew immediately I didn't want it but it was due to my kids getting older & not wanting to give up my growing independence, not because I thought I'd be knackered. I felt perfectly able physically then & perfectly able to physically care for a 5 year old now (which is how old it would have been if I'd kept it). Don't regret not keeping it for one minute though. I've done my time in that particular barless prison thanks.

Emerald5hamrock · 20/01/2022 20:20

Say nothing.
Why has she waited so long.

alphabetsoup1980 · 20/01/2022 20:21

It's such a personal choice!! I couldn't imagine being 80 years old when my child was 30, but that's completely my own point of view. I wouldn't interfere if a friend/family member was in the situation that your sister is in... Just be there to support her- she won't want to hear your negativity, whether it be valid concerns or not!!xx

bengalcat · 20/01/2022 20:21

Her chances are reasonable with donor eggs and if needs be she can sail through the menopause with HRT - it’s not all doom and gloom

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/01/2022 20:21

Why is the menopause an issue?

I went through it at 53. It’s crap but not world ending. I had physical and mental issues, but l kept working and raising my then 10 year old.

Life doesn’t end with the menopause.

PugInTheHouse · 20/01/2022 20:22

@TearifficTaz on MN no one is allowed to be close to their families, no one can ever discuss anything personal with themr! MN is so far removed from my experiences with close family and friends, we could definitely be blunt with each other, this is coming from a good place IMO.

I can understand your worries OP, how far along with the process are they? This would probably affect what you could discuss with her.

Cissyandflora · 20/01/2022 20:22

Goodness me. A world ending menopause? What business is it of yours? What ages should children be when their parent goes through menopause? What would be acceptable in your eyes?

Somethingsnappy · 20/01/2022 20:23

@KurtWilde

I'll be dealing with teen behaviour during menopause, like toddlers but not as cuddlyGrin
Grin
TearifficTaz · 20/01/2022 20:23

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Why is the menopause an issue?

I went through it at 53. It’s crap but not world ending. I had physical and mental issues, but l kept working and raising my then 10 year old.

Life doesn’t end with the menopause.

The OP has clearly stated why it's an issue in their post Confused
StColumbofNavron · 20/01/2022 20:23

Lots of my friends are going through the menopause at the same time that their children are going through puberty and teenagerdom. They had their children at 35 and from what they are saying it is no walk in the park.

Cissyandflora · 20/01/2022 20:24

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Why is the menopause an issue?

I went through it at 53. It’s crap but not world ending. I had physical and mental issues, but l kept working and raising my then 10 year old.

Life doesn’t end with the menopause.

I’m glad to hear it because I’m going through it according to my blood tests. And my world is very full and hopefully not nearly ending because I still have very young children.
Just10moreminutesplease · 20/01/2022 20:24

I don’t think you can tell her anything. You have absolutely no authority over her actions.

If she asks your opinion by all means share your concerns.

hellokitty9 · 20/01/2022 20:25

OP sadly this is another one of those posts that the 'AIBU lurkers' jump on, when it's actually clearly obvious why you would be concerned for your sister. Sadly there's many angry women who get kicks out of typing out blunt aggressive replies! (Poor them!)

However I don't think you can stop your sister doing this is she really wants to, it's her last chance at having a child.. if she has the money and the support then she can do whatever she likes.

DropYourSword · 20/01/2022 20:25

WTF is "world ending" menopause!
Do I have to start preparing now?

Franklin12 · 20/01/2022 20:27

I have a very close relative who makes really odd strange decisions, hooking up the wrong man, having ideas about having a child at 45 etc.

It’s all well and good just saying be there for support etc but this person literally sucks the life out of the family and then expects support, moving in with them etc. Having been at the sharp end of this for a years. It’s easier said than done and this person never learns from her own mistakes and just expects the rest of the family to ‘support’ her regardless of what she does.

Bouncebacker · 20/01/2022 20:27

My sister had a third baby at 45, 23 and 25 years after her first two. I told her I thought she was bonkers, and I wish I hadn’t - I mean she is bonkers, she is knackered all the time, her older husband has had to put off his early retirement and they no longer do anything fun - but it but a bit of a wedge between us, I feel bad everytime I see her because she was hurt by what I said, and now I think she feels she can’t complain about how tough things are because she thinks I’ll say I told her so or whatever. (Which is what I think, but not what I would say now) (and my nephew is so stinking cute…)

couldhavenotcouldof22 · 20/01/2022 20:28

It's obviously highly unlikely to work anyway at 48.

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