Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my sister to not have a baby so near 50

182 replies

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/01/2022 19:55

I know the answer is to mind my own godamn business but all the women in my family have world ending menopause and she's trying for her first at 48 with fertility treatment.
I just know she will be having a horrific menopause in a couple of years with one or two very young children and I dont know how she will cope.
Has anyone else gone through the menopause with young children and how was it?

OP posts:
MatronicO6 · 20/01/2022 20:30

At 48 I am sure she is well aware of the family history and the very low chances of success has still made a choice to pursue this. You need to accept that, frankly your opinion is completely irrelevant.

It is obviously important to her despite the very low chances and obvious life changing demands that will come with success. as they say you always regret the things you don't do more than the things you do, maybe she just needs to give this a chance otherwise she may always wonder.

If you want to be a good sister just be there for her, wherever this journey may take her.

godmum56 · 20/01/2022 20:33

YABVVVU and unkind.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 20/01/2022 20:34

WTF is "world ending" menopause!

I've no idea of what it means in OP's family but I recall family friends for whom it meant some of their relatives manifested psychosis and severe mental health issues. Others for whom menopause led to such a swift osteoporosis that an ordinary kitchen slip produced multiple dislocations and fractures.

ddl1 · 20/01/2022 20:35

Surely her doctor(s) will advise? You can point out issues (though she probably knows them already), but you can't tell her what to do. It's not your decision. And not everyone has a terrible menopause, even if relatives do. The IVF itself might well affect her menopause, positively or negatively; and again she'll get medical advice over this.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/01/2022 20:36

A ‘world ending’ menopause can be treatedConfused.

BiscuitLover3678 · 20/01/2022 20:36

Oh for goodness sake, people on here are ridiculous.

Or course it’s normal to be concerned. Everyone else is thinking it! She must have thought about it a bit op. If not, well, maybe she’ll do better than you think. No point bringing it up as there’s a strong chance it won’t happen for her anyway.

Sally872 · 20/01/2022 20:37

Unless you suspect she doesn't know menopause is not far off and has been hard for your family members you don't need to tell her anything. She has the information and wants a baby that badly. Be supportive.

shouldistop · 20/01/2022 20:41

It's unlikely the fertility treatment will work. She's probably considered menopause and thinks she'd rather that than a life without children.
Even if you think it's unwise you'd be better keeping it to yourself and just be supportive.

Thirtytimesround · 20/01/2022 20:41

Fertility treatment is also pretty horrific, fyi. Especially the egg collection, assuming she’s trying with her oqn eggs (and if she is, her chances of success at that age are vanishingly small).

She must be feeling very sad and desperate.

The worst possible thing you could do is mention how near she is to menopause.

Shapiro · 20/01/2022 20:46

I went through the menopause with ease, why are you predicting that your sister will have problems just because other family members did?

MrsGinnyM · 20/01/2022 20:47

I'm not sure it's any worse than going through the menopause with teenagers, which many women do! It sounds like she needs your support not your censure.

TicTacHoh · 20/01/2022 20:48

What has going through menopause got to do with not being able to raise a child? How odd. Don't say anything, it's none of your business

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/01/2022 20:50

I think she's mad. I would tell my husband I think she's made. I'd feel sorry for any child having to deal with having an elderly parent so young, it's grim when you have a stable life and career.

However, I would never say any of this to my sister. Even if she asked I'd be very cautious about what I said.

merrygoround51 · 20/01/2022 20:50

It’s none of your business but I really don’t know how anyone does this in their 40s. I mean the baby bit I can deal with but teens at 65 - eeekkk

SantaHat · 20/01/2022 20:52

Well if you were my sister and said that to me, I’d tell you to fuck right off as it’s none of your business. The menopause stuff is just so beyond bizarre.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2022 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Mellowyellow222 · 20/01/2022 20:55

Why on earth would you give such an unhelpful opinion - and do you think she hasn’t considered all the pros and cons? Do you honestly think she will say my gosh your right??

TearifficTaz · 20/01/2022 20:58

@Mellowyellow222

Why on earth would you give such an unhelpful opinion - and do you think she hasn’t considered all the pros and cons? Do you honestly think she will say my gosh your right??
Do you really not understand that there are humans out there who don't think things through?

There are even incredibly stupid people out there among us

It's odd how so many posters jump to 'she obviously knows the risks' some people don't

The fact the OP even asked this, maybe indicates her sister might be one of them

NoRaceInThisHorse · 20/01/2022 20:59

You would be massively unreasonable to "tell" her to do or not do anything.
Her choice. You don't have to agree with it, of course.

AngelinaFibres · 20/01/2022 20:59

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I know the answer is to mind my own godamn business but all the women in my family have world ending menopause and she's trying for her first at 48 with fertility treatment. I just know she will be having a horrific menopause in a couple of years with one or two very young children and I dont know how she will cope. Has anyone else gone through the menopause with young children and how was it?
Have any of the women in your family had HRT. Menopause was fine for me for years , then it wasn't. HRT made it far more manageable. There is absolutely no need for menopause to be world ending , unless you are medically unable to take HRT.
NoMoreFries · 20/01/2022 21:01

I don't think it's fair on the child to have a mum of 48 or probably 49 by the time the child arrives.

I wouldn't want a Mum that old.

Why does she want to do this now?

But yes probably best to allow her some space with some open-ended questions that aren't judgemental to allow her to explore her motives....

toppkatz · 20/01/2022 21:01

Infertility is bad enough, and hitting the menopause is the final nail in the coffin. When you know that all hope is gone.

My dc was two when I started the menopause (prematurely at 38). It would have been utter torture if I hadn't been able to have a child at all. She'd been conceived through fertility treatment, and I was having more treatment in the hope of conceiving a 2nd, when they told me it was over.

My advice to you is to keep your beak out.

Butchyrestingface · 20/01/2022 21:01

all the women in my family have world ending menopause

Difficult to take any of it seriously after such egregious hyperbole in the very first sentence.

Sakura7 · 20/01/2022 21:02

I always find it strange how MN is so supportive of women having babies when they're pushing 50. Everything is always about the woman's feelings and no thought whatsoever seems to be given to the child, or the kind of life they're going to have.

Being a teen or young adult with elderly parents is really hard, so is losing them long before your peers. It can really screw you up actually.

cafedesreves · 20/01/2022 21:03

😱 no! Just support her all the way.

I'm

Swipe left for the next trending thread