AIBU to tell my sister to not have a baby so near 50

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I know the answer is to mind my own godamn business but all the women in my family have world ending menopause and she's trying for her first at 48 with fertility treatment.
I just know she will be having a horrific menopause in a couple of years with one or two very young children and I dont know how she will cope.
Has anyone else gone through the menopause with young children and how was it?

@Aquamarine1029 It's not just about how fit and healthy someone is at 50, it's about how they're likely to be in 10, 20, 30 years time.

My dad got dementia when I was in my late teens. My mother was getting older herself and needed a lot of support. While my friends were enjoying their youth I was worrying about my parents being seriously ill or dying. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because I couldn't leave them on their own. I lost both of them at a much younger age than any of my peers and it makes you feel so isolated and insecure.

I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm asking people to think about the potential child in this situation and not just casually trot out phrases like "you go girl".

[quote DirectionToPerfection]**@Aquamarine1029 It's not just about how fit and healthy someone is at 50, it's about how they're likely to be in 10, 20, 30 years time.

My dad got dementia when I was in my late teens. My mother was getting older herself and needed a lot of support. While my friends were enjoying their youth I was worrying about my parents being seriously ill or dying. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because I couldn't leave them on their own. I lost both of them at a much younger age than any of my peers and it makes you feel so isolated and insecure.

I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm asking people to think about the potential child in this situation and not just casually trot out phrases like "you go girl".[/quote]
But if they had thought about it, you wouldn't have been born..

I know a lady of 50 with an ivf 3 year old who is loved so much and so happy, goes without nothing.

She's a great mum.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I know the answer is to mind my own godamn business but all the women in my family have world ending menopause and she's trying for her first at 48 with fertility treatment. I just know she will be having a horrific menopause in a couple of years with one or two very young children and I dont know how she will cope. Has anyone else gone through the menopause with young children and how was it?

I’d consider why I was so invested in this if I were you. If you know about your family history of menopause so does she. If she wants your opinion she’ll ask for it. I suspect she won’t.

The alternative to having older parents is not being born, though.
I don't know any children of older parents who wish they hadn't been born.
I know a couple of children of parents of various ages who wish they hadn't been born because they had shit childhoods though.

@holdonbaby

I know a lady of 50 with an ivf 3 year old who is loved so much and so happy, goes without nothing.

She's a great mum.

I’m sure, but the kid is 3. They don’t have the understanding to take a view on the situation or understand the implications in years to come.

If she hasn't had children I understand wanting a baby at 48. When people already have kids sometimes with huge age gaps talking 20 years I do wonder why put yourself through that ? Seems insane

Why not just wish her luck OP? if she is successful how will that affect your life - or do you see yourself as the sister with children and you feel she is stepping on your toes? Really it is none of your business and if she has made the decision to try for a child why on earth would she do what you 'tell' her anyway?

@NoRaceInThisHorse

The alternative to having older parents is not being born, though. I don't know any children of older parents who wish they hadn't been born. I know a couple of children of parents of various ages who wish they hadn't been born because they had shit childhoods though.

But if they weren’t born they wouldn’t know?!

Should we all churn out as many kids as we can, under any circumstances, because it’s better than them not being born?

You can’t really say anything, other than warn her about what might happen when the menopause kicks in. If she’s having donor eggs it is possible the treatment will work.

@NoRaceInThisHorse

The alternative to having older parents is not being born, though. I don't know any children of older parents who wish they hadn't been born. I know a couple of children of parents of various ages who wish they hadn't been born because they had shit childhoods though.

This is such a silly argument. If you were never born you wouldn't know any different.

Agree with a PP that this thread has clearly hit a nerve with some. Are people seriously arguing that having a child at nearly 50 is a sensible idea? Very few would share that view.

@NoRaceInThisHorse

Saying every older mum is very financially stable and in a happy solid relationship is every bit as untrue as saying every over 50 is ready to retire and sit in an armchair.

I know two women who had babies in their mid 40s, one is single and skint with very bad mental health problems (the poor child), and the other is in an unhappy relationship and while not skint she isn’t very comfortable either.

There must be some bloody unfit and out of condition women on this thread. I'm 48 and feel EXACTLY the same as i did at 20. Exactly. I don't look 'old' and can keep up with my 2 primary aged kids just fine thank you very much.

I'm 47 this year and can easily keep up with my primary age DC. I also have adult DC and look after my 2yo and 7 month old grandsons for half the week while their parents work. Not an issue at all. I'm probably fitter now than I was when my older DC were babies, and I was only in my early 20's then!

Why is everyone acting like almost 50 means almost dead

I mentioned my aunt upthread, but my mum was also an 'older' mum, 39 when she had me and 43 when she had my youngest sibling. She said she barely noticed menopause, she was too busy being a mum.

There's some odd comments on this thread.

Yes I did this at 52, it worked first time. Horrible menopause hot flushes, night sweats, brain fog. It was easier with HRT and I’d gone part time already because of the baby so that helped. I was, by then, used to broken nights. Since she’s already trying, I wouldn’t tell her anything, she is unlikely to listen. Just be there for her is all you can do now

I don't understand the aggression towards the op - I read it as looking out for her sister. There are proper risks at having a baby so late Id feel the same.

@KERALA1

I don't understand the aggression towards the op - I read it as looking out for her sister. There are proper risks at having a baby so late Id feel the same.

It's obviously people who have had babies very late themselves so feel the need to defend their choice.

[quote Cheekypeach]@NoRaceInThisHorse

Saying every older mum is very financially stable and in a happy solid relationship is every bit as untrue as saying every over 50 is ready to retire and sit in an armchair.

I know two women who had babies in their mid 40s, one is single and skint with very bad mental health problems (the poor child), and the other is in an unhappy relationship and while not skint she isn’t very comfortable either.[/quote]
Well yes, obviously. But people are, statistically, more likely to be financially stable at 45 than 20.
Every experience and decision is individual.

This is such a silly argument. If you were never born you wouldn't know any different

My point was that people who say they didn't like being the child of older parents (for whatever valid reason), don't have anything to compare it to really. It is what it is.

No please tell her it’s wrong and selfish. My mum had me at 44 and it breaks my heart knowing she’s in her 70s now and I might not have long with her. I was also bullied at school for having an older parent. Once you get to a certain age it shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.

@NoRaceInThisHorse

This is such a silly argument. If you were never born you wouldn't know any different

My point was that people who say they didn't like being the child of older parents (for whatever valid reason), don't have anything to compare it to really. It is what it is.

Neither do the children of drug addicts 🤷🏼‍♀️

@KERALA1

I don't understand the aggression towards the op - I read it as looking out for her sister. There are proper risks at having a baby so late Id feel the same.

Op said she is going to tell sister not to have baby. Had she phrased it better "should I be worried about sister having toddler when going through menopause. Should I explain how difficult it is?" She may have got a different response.

Someone I know had a natural pregnancy at 49, thought it was the menopause & didn't test until she was 14 weeks. She sailed through her pregnancy, worked until 38 weeks, went in to labour at 39+5 & was back home in under 12 hours. Her older kids were both at University, both her & her husband took their pensions at 55, they have a caravan, go mountain biking & are really active, she helped out in the school her daughter was at. They are now 68, their daughter is at University, they both think having her kept them active.

@TataMamma

Presumably she must be using donor eggs. There's basically no chance of success otherwise. I don't disagree with you OP, but your sister is not going to change her mind (rightly or wrongly) with anything you say, and all you are going to do is potentially damage the relationship you have with her, so what's the point. And even with donor eggs her chances aren't great.

Why wpuld you presume donor eggs. Although plenty of women have stopped ovulating at that age, plenty haven't!!

@KERALA1

I don't understand the aggression towards the op - I read it as looking out for her sister. There are proper risks at having a baby so late Id feel the same.

Because the OP's sister is a grown woman of 48. If the OP knows women in her family have tricky menopauses then the sister must too. No woman who decides to try for a baby aged 48 would have taken that decision lightly, so why is the OP treating her sister like a naive idiot and wanting to 'tell' her not to do it as if the sister hasn't thought things through. It's such a patronising thing to want to do.

YANBU. That is way too old to have a baby. Ridiculous, and self centred, and cruel. Why would ANYone do this?

Of course, like all the rest of the threads like this, you get a bunch of posters saying 'me and everyone in my social circle all had ALL our babies in our mid to late 40s,' but in reality (and not the parallel universe of mumsnet,) very few people do.

I can count on the fingers of one hand, the amount of women I know who had a baby past 43/44.

Almost 50 is ludicrous. No WAY can anyone think this is OK. There are soooo many reasons to not do it that it would take me until midnight to list them all!