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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH smoking weed with my 19yo DS

159 replies

ofwarren · 20/01/2022 00:15

My DH and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 DS together (5&7) and I have a DS from a previous relationship.
DH used to smoke weed on and off but it became daily and he started smoking it in the house with my 19 year old son. I blew my top and threw away all drugs and paraphernalia and told them both that I do not want drugs in the house around my younger children.

A few days ago I went downstairs and DH had lit the scented candles which I thought was odd, but he just said he liked the ambiance. Tonight I forgot to take my medication and went downstairs and the candles were lit again and there was a strong smell of weed. Both DH and DS tried to lie to me and say they didn't use any, then they tried to say it was just DS. It was obvious it was both of them because they have both got red eyes.
DH saying I'm overreacting, there is nothing wrong with it and they only lied because they knew how I would react.

I'm furious that drugs are in my house again and also furious about being lied to.
AIBU?
What would you do in this situation?
Both DS and DH work and DS has high functioning ASD.

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 20/01/2022 00:18

I'd make them smoke it away from the house.

It stinks to high heaven and it's disrespectful to make anyone else put up with the smell. No way will scented candles mask it.

Excited101 · 20/01/2022 00:19

This is absolutely appalling! I don’t know what I’d do op, but I’d be tempted to LTB

Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 00:25

@DiddyHeck

I'd make them smoke it away from the house.

It stinks to high heaven and it's disrespectful to make anyone else put up with the smell. No way will scented candles mask it.

He reckons they did it at the back door but I could smell it up the stairs. Even so, I really don't want drugs in my house.
OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 20/01/2022 00:26

This would have been completely unimaginable to me so I don't know how I would react. I have friends who I think would not be particularly bothered and whose 16/17/18 year olds get extremely drunk to the point of vomiting or blackout from time to time, and take drugs in some form or other without much disapproval from the parents, though I don't know any who would.

I just don't think about those things and don't live that kind of life. And if someone was in my life they would have to not do that stuff. I wouldn't really have any comeback if they started now that ds is an adult, but he's got a genetic susceptibility to psychosis so I think if some partner of mine shared a spliff with ds I would in fact kill him.

Bogeyes · 20/01/2022 00:27

It stinks and it's disrespectful. I could not live with a weed head. They are already lying to you...

negomi90 · 20/01/2022 00:28

I'd ban it from the house and make anyone who thinks having drugs in a household with young children is appropriate leave.
If they want to do it far away from the house, that's their business (but you could still leave DH if its important to you). Anyone doing it inside the house/near the front door/in the garden needs to not live in the house anymore - whether that's your DH or your 19yo.
Being exposed is a safety/safeguarding/health issue for your younger kids.

Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 00:28

@Bogeyes

It stinks and it's disrespectful. I could not live with a weed head. They are already lying to you...
Exactly. Im livid.
OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 20/01/2022 00:28

He reckons they did it at the back door but I could smell it up the stairs. Even so, I really don't want drugs in my house.

Then there's no compromise to be had because even if they went for a walk to smoke a joint, they'd still have to keep the weed in the house. Are you worried your young DC might manage to get hold of it?

Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 00:29

@negomi90

I'd ban it from the house and make anyone who thinks having drugs in a household with young children is appropriate leave. If they want to do it far away from the house, that's their business (but you could still leave DH if its important to you). Anyone doing it inside the house/near the front door/in the garden needs to not live in the house anymore - whether that's your DH or your 19yo. Being exposed is a safety/safeguarding/health issue for your younger kids.
That's what I said and have said in the past, but apparently it's a "none issue" and the police or SS wouldn't think it was a big deal 🙄
OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 20/01/2022 00:30

The police wouldn't be interested at all but SS might if the kids were exposed to it.

HunkyPunk · 20/01/2022 00:34

I don’t know what you can do really, op, other than to say you’re going to have a zero tolerance policy for drugs in the house, which it sounds like you’ve already done. Could you threaten to involve the police if it happens again?

It’s ironic that you don’t have the usual problem with your dh and his step son/your ds. They seem to have bonded only too well, but to the detriment of the family.

HunkyPunk · 20/01/2022 00:35

Oh, x posted. I see the police wouldn’t be interested…

Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 00:37

@HunkyPunk

I don’t know what you can do really, op, other than to say you’re going to have a zero tolerance policy for drugs in the house, which it sounds like you’ve already done. Could you threaten to involve the police if it happens again?

It’s ironic that you don’t have the usual problem with your dh and his step son/your ds. They seem to have bonded only too well, but to the detriment of the family.

I threatened the police and my DH just said, "go on, do it then".
OP posts:
SantaClawsServiette · 20/01/2022 00:39

That actually would be a deal-breaker in a marriage for me. And I am not sure I've ever said that on MN before apart from abuse. I'd not be too happy about my son or husband doing it, but my husband with my still teen son - no way. At that age mj is still implicated in the emergence of mh problems.

Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 00:42

@SantaClawsServiette

That actually would be a deal-breaker in a marriage for me. And I am not sure I've ever said that on MN before apart from abuse. I'd not be too happy about my son or husband doing it, but my husband with my still teen son - no way. At that age mj is still implicated in the emergence of mh problems.
I know my DS smokes it at his friend's house but he's 19 and there is no way to stop him. I've told him how dangerous it is for his brain and that he's never to bring it home. Like you say, my DH smoking it with him is a disgrace.
OP posts:
Idontreplytotrolls · 20/01/2022 00:56

Utter disrespect for you and your children. I have never said this before on MN but this would be a deal breaker for me. I would tell my partner the same, no second chances.

Let's face it he has deliberately lied to you, thinking you wont care, he's treating you like a fool with the incense. He obviously gives no shit about the welfare of any of your kids and brought drugs onto your home. Give him an ultimatum, I guarantee he just thinks you'll give in or it will blow over. Don't be a doormat.

nolongersurprised · 20/01/2022 04:10

My step dad and my brother and my mother used to smoke weed together. He was similar age to your DS, after he went to Uni. They were all “it’s natural and relaxing and a plant” type people. They were awful to be around when stoned. My step dad was my brother’s step dad as well, they weren’t biologically related.

My brother also prob also has ASD, he has always struggled socially, speaks with strange intonation and accent, misses social cues, very sensory defensive and restricted with food. When he reached mid 20s and life became hard he smoked a lot but also took a shit load of amphetamines and everything came crashing down.

He went to live with my parents for a while and it meant boundaries were blurred - they couldn’t say that drugs were a problem as they’d modelled “drugs as relaxation” themselves. However they stopped at that point.

I have never met a long-term stoner who hasn’t been dulled by it and your DS is too young and vulnerable to have this modelled and normalised by a parental figure. Deal breaker for me too

TrickorTreacle · 20/01/2022 04:18

YABU OP.

Go to university and you'll find that smoking weed is as common as smoking cigarettes. I say this as as non-smoker myself, but it is reality.

musicalfrog · 20/01/2022 04:23

@TrickorTreacle

YABU OP.

Go to university and you'll find that smoking weed is as common as smoking cigarettes. I say this as as non-smoker myself, but it is reality.

There are no children at university so what is your point? Did you even read the OP?
lonelySam · 20/01/2022 04:57

Why are people so relaxed about weed? I don't understand.
I would divorce the husband but not too sure what to do with the son.
Weed is a total deal breaker for me.

MintJulia · 20/01/2022 05:06

Make it clear to both of them that a house with small children has to be drug free - no exceptions. That it's a deal breaker for you, and that will destroy your marriage.

Tell your 19yo that he'll be looking for a new home if it happens again. Does he understand the long term damage weed can do to his brain?

I left my ex and took our ds to safety because ex drank too much and I could never trust him not to drive ds drunk. If you don't act now, you will eventually be in the same situation of having to leave for your children's safety.

madisonbridges · 20/01/2022 05:06

Drugs and lying go hand in hand. He'll never be honest about it and I don't know that you'll ever be able to trust him.
For me I couldn't live with anyone that did drugs in any form. It's just so far removed from how I and my family and friends live our lives that I can't give you any advice, sorry, but I know I could not live with a druggie, an alcoholic or a gambler. They have no control and I couldn't live with someone I couldn't trust.

crankysaurus · 20/01/2022 05:09

Would your DH listen if you replaced police with solicitor?

I agree with nolongersurprised in that "your DS is too young and vulnerable to have this modelled and normalised by a parental figure"

TheGrinchsDog · 20/01/2022 05:32

Deal breaker for me too and that's coming from someone who has smoked weed in the past.

It's not legal, it's not ok to have around children, it's not ok to model smoking to your 19yo.

Your DH attitude towards you when in your frustration you threatened to call the police is pretty telling. He doesn't want to change.

Maybe the threat of ending the marriage might wake him up? But if you have to get to that point is it over anyway?
Resentment for him not listening until you had to give him an ultimatum might fester at you.

Agree with PP saying your DS needs told that if he won't keep it completely out of the house he has to go too.

TheGrinchsDog · 20/01/2022 05:39

I'll be completely honest, thinking about it there's actually a lot of things here I would find completely unacceptable.

The lying to you. The attitude and contempt. Keeping secrets with your DS. The keeping drugs and smoking them in and around the house with the children.

So for me that's a quadruple deal breaker bonanza, I'd LTB if it were me.

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