DH smoking weed with my 19yo DS

[ofwarren]

My DH and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 DS together (5&7) and I have a DS from a previous relationship.
DH used to smoke weed on and off but it became daily and he started smoking it in the house with my 19 year old son. I blew my top and threw away all drugs and paraphernalia and told them both that I do not want drugs in the house around my younger children.

A few days ago I went downstairs and DH had lit the scented candles which I thought was odd, but he just said he liked the ambiance. Tonight I forgot to take my medication and went downstairs and the candles were lit again and there was a strong smell of weed. Both DH and DS tried to lie to me and say they didn't use any, then they tried to say it was just DS. It was obvious it was both of them because they have both got red eyes.
DH saying I'm overreacting, there is nothing wrong with it and they only lied because they knew how I would react.

I'm furious that drugs are in my house again and also furious about being lied to.
AIBU?
What would you do in this situation?
Both DS and DH work and DS has high functioning ASD.

@elelel Yes, it's a joint tenancy

Maybe it’s performative stropping because most of the MN responses said he was behaving like a twat.

But seriously, your DS is a vulnerable adult. Home needs to be where his boundaries are reinforced, not blurred. If your DP can’t control his weed smoking and needs a vulnerable teen as a smoking buddy he’s better off out of both of your lives

There is increasing evidence that cannabis is can be very useful to individuals with ASD: www.thinkingautism.org.uk/cannabis-for-treating-core-and-comorbid-autism-symptoms/

I don't think he's actually going to move out, he's just kicking off.

Despite my personal misgivings about weed due to my own long term previous habit, I'll still stand by what I said about occasional use being fine. But I really don't think your husband should be encouraging your son, it's a precarious age. Does your son study/work?

Oh please he's not moving out he's trying to scare you to get you to back down, he's a pathetic little man who uses drugs as a crutch and encourages a vulnerable teen to do the same and when caught out doesn't take responsibility and won't put his family before his drug use. Pathetic. I've been where you are but luckily we didn't have kids, he was gone, at the time it was hard but drugs is a line I don't want crossed in my life and that's the end of it. This man won't stop and won't change and he won't leave easily because he's weak, he can't even manage without weed as if he's going to willingly manage to get off his arse and sort a whole new home etc. He might pop off for a month trying to make a point but this is about trying to scare you into letting him have his own way. The best thing for your children would be if he went.

@NaameChaange

I don't think he's actually going to move out, he's just kicking off.

Despite my personal misgivings about weed due to my own long term previous habit, I'll still stand by what I said about occasional use being fine. But I really don't think your husband should be encouraging your son, it's a precarious age. Does your son study/work?

My son has a part time job on a shop and is applying for university for September

There is increasing evidence that cannabis is can be very useful to individuals with ASD

Haven’t read the study but most of these claims are usually made about largely CBD products, or with a high CBD:THC ratio. Not the stuff you just buy off the street.

And, in my n=1 study (my brother with ASD) street cannabis helped fuck up his mental health and life. My parents now pretend that his first spliffs weren’t with them because they are ashamed.

@HiJenny35 funny thing is, he's looking at houses with letting agents. He has debt and will no way pass the credit checks. He's going to end up in a shared house at the most.

@ByTheSea

There is increasing evidence that cannabis is can be very useful to individuals with ASD: www.thinkingautism.org.uk/cannabis-for-treating-core-and-comorbid-autism-symptoms/

The biggest positive changes in most of the studies were measured in the domain of so-called ‘challenging behaviours’ and comorbid disorders that are frequently present in autism and that severely affect quality of life of individuals with autism and their families.

Yes let's drug the autism out of people to suit their families

Where I live CBD prescribing was very trendy a few years back, with some GPs hoping to make some money from it. A lot of parents with children with ASD/ADHD and/or other issues were lured in for a while but no one seems to have stayed on it. It didn’t work

@elelel

Yes let's drug the autism out of people to suit their families

That is not the point, the point is to provide relief for the person.

Have you talked to your son about it? What is his take on it?

@NaameChaange

Have you talked to your son about it? What is his take on it?

He thought it was fine to use it all day, every day in his room till I intervened. Literally as soon as he woke. I know he uses it at his mates house but he cannot be trusted to have it at home because he smokes it like cigarettes.

Yanbu.
They should not be smoking it in the house, or at the back door, the smoke is naturally going to travel back into the house.
I'm pro weed I don't think it is any worse than alcohol smell aside, though I'd be furious in your situation it is really bad for teenagers with ASD as said it's akin to drinking alcohol daily.
I self medicated for years not against adults enjoying a smoke privately in ventilated areas.
Would he be happy for DS having alcohol every night.
It's very addictive not physically but psychologically.

He thought it was fine to use it all day, every day in his room till I intervened. Literally as soon as he woke

And your DP is encouraging this by normalising it at home.

That’s really fucked up, I’d be livid.

Your DH has actually goaded you into carrying through your threat and contacting the police. Doesn't that make you furious?
Go to a solicitor and get advice. If I were you I'd leave with the younger children and go somewhere (a family member etc).
Myself and my DH have smoked our fair share of weed as teenagers and am pretty tolerant of peoples drug habits etc but now I'm in my 30s with children, if I found my DH taking any drugs in the house (or even if I knew it had become a habit outside house) I would be out the door with the children. No hesitation. Let alone his defiance, goading and lying!

@nolongersurprised

He thought it was fine to use it all day, every day in his room till I intervened. Literally as soon as he woke

And your DP is encouraging this by normalising it at home.

That’s really fucked up, I’d be livid.

Yep, if its in the house my DH would also use it all day, every day. He only doesn't because I don't let them use it in here.

@thingymaboob

Your DH has actually goaded you into carrying through your threat and contacting the police. Doesn't that make you furious? Go to a solicitor and get advice. If I were you I'd leave with the younger children and go somewhere (a family member etc). Myself and my DH have smoked our fair share of weed as teenagers and am pretty tolerant of peoples drug habits etc but now I'm in my 30s with children, if I found my DH taking any drugs in the house (or even if I knew it had become a habit outside house) I would be out the door with the children. No hesitation. Let alone his defiance, goading and lying!

Exactly, and he's still not remorseful. Just giving me the silent treatment and looking at houses online.

I saw so many teenagers potential plummet with their addiction to weed.
The local shops at lunchtime stinks with teenagers in schools uniforms smoking.
It's rampant, in times of drought the anger comes.
I don't know how you'll fix it, would he consider counselling.
My friends dd joined NA to get off weed it was ruining her life.
I grew up around it, it has never been as bad.

[quote ByTheSea]@elelel

Yes let's drug the autism out of people to suit their families

That is not the point, the point is to provide relief for the person. [/quote]

Did you read the part I quoted? 'and their families'

I'm sorry but the sooner we stop trying to 'treat' autism as a curable illness the better. No wonder people are so misunderstood. I don't need drugs to help me with communication - I need people to accept my different way is ok. So many parents, as a PP mentioned were quick to try CBD because they thought it was a quick fix. Now they are having the reality that their child is still autistic and they need to learnt to work with them, not try to cure them

Save your DS, chuck your DH out.
Smoking will ruin DS life.

Mumsnet threads about weed always seem very hysterical to me.

I agree. I respect that people have strong opinions on it but I smoke it, here it's legal and you don't have to go to any dubious characters to obtain it.

There's many different strains of cannabis and the one that sends people loopy is called Skunk. The smell alone sends me reeling backwards. I smoke a mild version. I can still function, work, keep the house, be sociable, do sports etc.

I've been smoking it for 50 years now and have never had any mental health problems.

I smoke a mild version. I can still function, work, keep the house, be sociable, do sports etc

The OP’s son, if he can, smoking all day, every day in his room beginning as soon as he wakes. You don’t think this is worrying?

I think you need legal advice at this point OP.

You have married a wrong un and he needs to go. ASAP.

@Iflyaway

Mumsnet threads about weed always seem very hysterical to me.

I agree. I respect that people have strong opinions on it but I smoke it, here it's legal and you don't have to go to any dubious characters to obtain it.

There's many different strains of cannabis and the one that sends people loopy is called Skunk. The smell alone sends me reeling backwards. I smoke a mild version. I can still function, work, keep the house, be sociable, do sports etc.

I've been smoking it for 50 years now and have never had any mental health problems.

This reminded me so much of what my clients use to say when I worked with drug and alcohol addicts. Many of them would say similar things and they would actually have mental health or physical health problems that they weren't aware of or had become accustomed to because it was such a huge part of their life they wouldn't know how they'd be without having had 20, 30, 40 or 50 years of addiction. But to the outside world it was obvious. 50 years of smoking weed will change your brain chemistry and affect your physical health. That is an indisputable fact.