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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH smoking weed with my 19yo DS

159 replies

ofwarren · 20/01/2022 00:15

My DH and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 DS together (5&7) and I have a DS from a previous relationship.
DH used to smoke weed on and off but it became daily and he started smoking it in the house with my 19 year old son. I blew my top and threw away all drugs and paraphernalia and told them both that I do not want drugs in the house around my younger children.

A few days ago I went downstairs and DH had lit the scented candles which I thought was odd, but he just said he liked the ambiance. Tonight I forgot to take my medication and went downstairs and the candles were lit again and there was a strong smell of weed. Both DH and DS tried to lie to me and say they didn't use any, then they tried to say it was just DS. It was obvious it was both of them because they have both got red eyes.
DH saying I'm overreacting, there is nothing wrong with it and they only lied because they knew how I would react.

I'm furious that drugs are in my house again and also furious about being lied to.
AIBU?
What would you do in this situation?
Both DS and DH work and DS has high functioning ASD.

OP posts:
Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 08:08

Apparently I'm "callous" as are all you who agree with me...

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/01/2022 08:08

Op you do you
I don’t care
You asked for opinions

LetItGoHome · 20/01/2022 08:08

I it were me the whole scenario would seriously give me the ick. I couldn't have sexual relations with someone so childish and irresponsible. If that doesn't make him stop and think I'd leave as I wouldn't want to be in a sexless marriage with someone I found so unattractive.

gobbledygoook · 20/01/2022 08:08

I'd genuinely (I think for the first time on MN) really LTB.

Lying to your face, encouraging your child to lie to you, doing something illegal (the "it's better than alcohol" crowd always seem to forget one's illegal the other isn't, regardless of your opinion it's law), doing it in your home etc! It would ruin the relationship for me.

His relaxed attitude, and response to what other PP have posted here shows you how he feels - he's not going to stop OP. It's up to you to decide what to do, because he's clearly not fussed about it.

hivemindneeded · 20/01/2022 08:12

I would be furious. I loathe weed and would be really concerned that DH had shared it with his own child. But I feel two-faced saying this as we frequently offer 19 yr old DS a glass of wine or even whisky. It's just that weed stinks, is illegal and ime has a far more detrimental effect on its frequent users than a daily glass of wine. (But I'm aware that could be prejudice. I just cant stand the smell of the stuff. Makes me gag.)

Adrianneanneanne · 20/01/2022 08:12

@gobbledygoook

I'd genuinely (I think for the first time on MN) really LTB.

Lying to your face, encouraging your child to lie to you, doing something illegal (the "it's better than alcohol" crowd always seem to forget one's illegal the other isn't, regardless of your opinion it's law), doing it in your home etc! It would ruin the relationship for me.

His relaxed attitude, and response to what other PP have posted here shows you how he feels - he's not going to stop OP. It's up to you to decide what to do, because he's clearly not fussed about it.

Ok but can someone answer why it's worse, buttons being illegal? Basically everyone I know has or does use cannabis. They're normal people sound ops sons age, not career criminals or whatever hyperbolic nonsense people tell themselves

I've not smoked weed. It's not that deep. The lying and possibly smell are the issues here

sashh · 20/01/2022 08:15

Call the police.

It's an easy brownie point for them, crime detected and dealt with by a fine.

And you are right it really does stink.

I picked up a neighbour's grand child and I could smell the stuff on the child's coat.

I know neighbour smoke, but only when her grandchildren were in bed, but the coat was on a hanger at the bottom of the stairs.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/01/2022 08:15

Arguments about weed aside...I dont think it's great that you've explained it is a hard boundary for you, you've explained why, they've agreed not to do it...and then just thought fuck it and done it anyway behind your back.

OfstedOffred · 20/01/2022 08:16

If you married him accepting he smoked weed "on and off" you had to know this was a risk?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/01/2022 08:16

@ofwarren

I've just shown him the thread and he said "I bet I could find you just as many people who say you are overreacting"....
I'm very relaxed about weed, smoke it myself, as does my partner, son's dad, siblings, parents and friends But I would be furious if my partner or indeed any of those people thought it was ok to smoke it with my teenage son.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/01/2022 08:16

@sashh

Call the police.

It's an easy brownie point for them, crime detected and dealt with by a fine.

And you are right it really does stink.

I picked up a neighbour's grand child and I could smell the stuff on the child's coat.

I know neighbour smoke, but only when her grandchildren were in bed, but the coat was on a hanger at the bottom of the stairs.

Police won't do anything about this.
Loopytiles · 20/01/2022 08:16

This would be a deal breaker for me in the marriage, particularly given that he’s involving your DS.

With DS I’d be concerned about the mental health risks of weed.

Slipperfairy · 20/01/2022 08:18

Where's it coming from? Who's being exploited in its distribution? "Oh it's only a bit of weed." Fine, but unless it's being grown in someone's house and directly supplied, how does he not know that kids not much older than yours, are being exploited?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 20/01/2022 08:20

Told me ex that l didn't fancy him at all when he smoked weed and found didn't it really offputting.
I am not saying he never did it again but he never did it in front of me and certainly never in our house .
Absolute deal breaker if it was in my house, especially with children. Couldn't give a fuck how my people smoke it l can't bear the stuff.

Maray1967 · 20/01/2022 08:22

The idea of smoking cannabis with your young adult DC is so far from my world that I frankly am struggling to get my head round it.
My DH smoked it in his youth, years ago, but would never do it now.
I won’t have cigarette smoke in my house let alone cannabis. I would ring the police and ask for support making it clear that you have young DC.

Blinkingheckythump · 20/01/2022 08:22

There's no way I'd stay married to a drug user, let alone one who thinks it's acceptable to smoke it with my teenage son. I'd be kicking him out on his arse and ds would be told in no uncertain terms he would be moving out too if I ever caught him doing it again.

Callous? OK, I don't agree but I'd rather be callous than a drug user

BettyBag · 20/01/2022 08:23

The weed smoking itself would have no issue with. As long as it was just once a weekish. I would much rather somebody who was stroned than drunk although preferably neither.

The smoking it with our teenage son would bother me. It's just weird.

LadyPropane · 20/01/2022 08:26

I bet I could find you just as many people who say you are overreacting

Well, yeah, if he just said "I smoked a spliff in the garden with 19yr old DSS and partner is going mad about it" then I'm sure people would say she's overreacting. It would be a different story if he included all the details of him lying about it and behaving like a cocky, disrespectful wanker to his own partner when he knows full well that it's something she feels really strongly about.

That's the important bit...

BettyBag · 20/01/2022 08:28

@ofwarren

I've just shown him the thread and he said "I bet I could find you just as many people who say you are overreacting"....
He's not wrong. We're I live weed smoking is very normalised. If I walk for 10 minutes anywhere I'll smell it. The women I work with don't smoke it but they are very blasé towards it as they know that many people who do.

Mumsnet threads about weed always seem very hysterical to me.

89redballoons · 20/01/2022 08:29

I used to smoke weed a lot, have friends who still do and some of them do it in their own homes when their young DC are in bed. I generally think alcohol can be more dangerous than weed.

But, I'm not the OP am I? The main point here is the OP set out a rule, with legitimate justification, which she is entitled to do in her house and as regards her own son (yes he's an adult but a very young one and still living with her). Her partner and son then broke that rule, lied to her, and basically didn't respect her point of view at all. It would be the same if they'd been secretly getting drunk together or smoking cigarettes.

BettyBag · 20/01/2022 08:29

@LadyPropane

I bet I could find you just as many people who say you are overreacting

Well, yeah, if he just said "I smoked a spliff in the garden with 19yr old DSS and partner is going mad about it" then I'm sure people would say she's overreacting. It would be a different story if he included all the details of him lying about it and behaving like a cocky, disrespectful wanker to his own partner when he knows full well that it's something she feels really strongly about.

That's the important bit...

Yeah sorry this element is weird. Fair play.
romdowa · 20/01/2022 08:30

I definitely wouldn't have drugs in the house around children. Imagine if they found it and ingested it. There would be a lot of questions to be answered. Plus the smell sticks to everything so yours and the children's clothes will stink of it. That is not what I would want for my children.

elelel · 20/01/2022 08:32

I abhor drugs so I wouldn't be able to make peace with my DH doing this at all, never mind in the house or with my teenager.

Sceptre86 · 20/01/2022 08:35

It's the fact that your dh undermines you that I don't like. If he wants to smoke outside the home and so does your son there isn't much you can do to stop them. However surely they should see that doing so around kids of where they see likely to breathe it in is highly irresponsible. Not to mention your house must reek to high heaven. Tbh I would probably chuck out the dh for undermining your parenting and not being on the same page re drug use. It's harder with your son but I'd probably ask him to leave, at 19 he has to start taking some responsibility for himself and it sets a really shit example to his younger brothers. Sorry op what a difficult situation to be in.

Lalliella · 20/01/2022 08:41

Deal breaker for me. Weed ruined my brother’s life. Can you Chuck them both out?

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