DH smoking weed with my 19yo DS

[ofwarren]

My DH and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 DS together (5&7) and I have a DS from a previous relationship.
DH used to smoke weed on and off but it became daily and he started smoking it in the house with my 19 year old son. I blew my top and threw away all drugs and paraphernalia and told them both that I do not want drugs in the house around my younger children.

A few days ago I went downstairs and DH had lit the scented candles which I thought was odd, but he just said he liked the ambiance. Tonight I forgot to take my medication and went downstairs and the candles were lit again and there was a strong smell of weed. Both DH and DS tried to lie to me and say they didn't use any, then they tried to say it was just DS. It was obvious it was both of them because they have both got red eyes.
DH saying I'm overreacting, there is nothing wrong with it and they only lied because they knew how I would react.

I'm furious that drugs are in my house again and also furious about being lied to.
AIBU?
What would you do in this situation?
Both DS and DH work and DS has high functioning ASD.

Throw the DH out now I am starting to wonder how he behaves in other ways if telling him not to smoke drugs with the kids results in him threatening to leave, that shows how he feels about you and the kids.

my son is ASD they are easily led, its like being with a 5 year old, as long as your DH is modeling this behaviour as being fine you wont be able to stop it and I would put my foot down over the mates too, my son has a tendency to gravitate towards two types of people those like him the ASD or maybe ASD anally retentive nerdy types and the manipulative, controlling bully types. I watch like a hawk whom he fraternizes with, thankfully he loves me ans listens to me above all others and I am a single mum, but then he is 11.

@HiJenny35

Oh please he's not moving out he's trying to scare you to get you to back down, he's a pathetic little man who uses drugs as a crutch and encourages a vulnerable teen to do the same and when caught out doesn't take responsibility and won't put his family before his drug use. Pathetic. I've been where you are but luckily we didn't have kids, he was gone, at the time it was hard but drugs is a line I don't want crossed in my life and that's the end of it. This man won't stop and won't change and he won't leave easily because he's weak, he can't even manage without weed as if he's going to willingly manage to get off his arse and sort a whole new home etc. He might pop off for a month trying to make a point but this is about trying to scare you into letting him have his own way. The best thing for your children would be if he went.

Wow talk about exaggeration. He shouldn't be smoking with his partners son, no, nor around her after she tells them not to.

Drug user? If you have teenage kids they've most likely tried it at least. As long as it's not the whacky skunk variety it's fine.

Alcohol is also a drug and also prohibited in some places. Would you seriously call people who consume alcohol in such places drug users? Lmao

Bearing in mind I'm not advocating it and have only used it once. ---- But come onnnnn

Bottom line is, what are you going to do about it?

What is your housing/financial situation?

Is it a dealbreaker for you? (It absolutely would be for me)

I'm furious that drugs are in my house again and also furious about being lied to.
AIBU?
What would you do in this situation?

I don't think that YABU to be furious about being lied to, those are your feelings.

What would I do? I'd be unhappy, but I can't control what they do so I would need to make a decision as to whether or not I was prepared to carry on living with them. It sounds like your DS only smokes it at his friends houses if your DH doesn't smoke it, so it looks like the main problem is with DH, and from your updates it appears that he is planning to move out, so that problem is solved without you having to do anything by the looks of it.

You do know it's an illegal drug? You can minimise it anyway you want but I won't. I've worked with teenagers with drug issues and it starts with weed, it's a massive gateway drug, the issues surrounding psychotic episodes, the increase in drug driving and the whole trade its built on the back of disgusts me. The whole pretending it doesn't hurt anyone else or society is simply rubbish. As for Alcohol I don't drink either and I also wouldn't stay with a person who relyed on alcohol and wasn't willing to deal with it. You can have whatever boundaries you want in your life, I expect more than that. As for you know teenagers do it, some do, some don't, I certainly don't think that's a reason to pretend it's acceptable.

Even if your husband moves out, your son isn't going to stop smoking it. So what's plan B?

@HiJenny35

You do know it's an illegal drug? You can minimise it anyway you want but I won't. I've worked with teenagers with drug issues and it starts with weed, it's a massive gateway drug, the issues surrounding psychotic episodes, the increase in drug driving and the whole trade its built on the back of disgusts me. The whole pretending it doesn't hurt anyone else or society is simply rubbish. As for Alcohol I don't drink either and I also wouldn't stay with a person who relyed on alcohol and wasn't willing to deal with it. You can have whatever boundaries you want in your life, I expect more than that. As for you know teenagers do it, some do, some don't, I certainly don't think that's a reason to pretend it's acceptable.

Alcohol is much more a gateway drug, especially to awful drugs like Ket, which young people in my area are using at pubs and clubs. Not all drugs are the same. And cannabis should be legal at the very least for medical use, although I support full legalisation for recreational use as well, taxing and regulating it as alcohol is.

That said, the OP has an issue with her DH ignoring her wishes, and that is unacceptable.

@NaameChaange

Even if your husband moves out, your son isn't going to stop smoking it. So what's plan B?

Absolutely no idea. He's 19 and I'm not sure I can stop him away from home.

@ofwarren

Well he's looking at houses online so I guess he's moving out. Who'd have thought weed would be more important than his family

I need "ducks in a row advice"
We rent through social housing. I don't work as I'm full time carer for one of our children who's on high rate DLA. All the benefits are in my name.
He did have access to my Internet banking so I've gone in and changed the log in details.
What else do I have to do?

Good think to know you're in social housing, most HA have a zero tolerance policy with drugs and you could lose the house if he continues smoking weed and a neighbour complains. It also means you have grounds to take him off the tenancy.

thing*

Good think to know you're in social housing, most HA have a zero tolerance policy with drugs and you could lose the house if he continues smoking weed and a neighbour complains.

If only this were true. The house next door to me is council and I have complained and reported to everyone and anyone about the smell of weed seeping through the walls into my kitchen and bedroom. Nobody is interested.

If my partner wanted to smoke it that’s his choice

My ds again that age his choice but I would think it very irresponsible for a partner to be smoking with him (or others from my family or friends)

Friend did with her dd. She is now suffering terribly with continued paranoia and depression

Your dh sounds really immature, not just the drug use, the whole thing. Goading you, now having a strop, and the icing on the cake is being supplied by his 19 year old step son. He sounds like a joke and I honestly couldn't be with someone like that at all

I'd try posting on another board for proper advice re social housing

I'd throw him out and the fact he allows your child to do it and doesn't think it's wrong is mind blowing.
I'd tell him he has to leave. X

So who is doing the buying? Does your dh normally smoke it, did he get your son to go any buy it for him?

And buy it?

@Marmelace

So who is doing the buying? Does your dh normally smoke it, did he get your son to go any buy it for him?

My son is buying it at the moment but in the past my husband has given him money to buy it 😒

All I can think is to reiterate what you have said in a really calm conversation giving the reasons.
It is so normal for many people to smoke weed that it makes valid objections difficult to get through.

So he is sending your kid to the dealer then, your dh is not stupid is he! Ex chronic smoker here, 3 years without. Open minded to others, but you need to kick your dh in to touch ASAP! Your son had autism and your dh is fucking using him.

I went exclamation mark mad then!!!!!

@thingymaboob

This is such bollocks. Most people in the UK will have been drinking alcohol for 50 years when they reach 70. How much harm it does of course depends on strength, frequency of use and how much they consume.
I also work with drug and alcohol users and I have literally never had anyone that only smokes weed. Weed in itself is never an issue.

Alcohol is on a par with heroin in terms of harm and more of a problem in terms of volume of people (obviously cos its legal).

[quote BettyBag]@thingymaboob

This is such bollocks. Most people in the UK will have been drinking alcohol for 50 years when they reach 70. How much harm it does of course depends on strength, frequency of use and how much they consume.
I also work with drug and alcohol users and I have literally never had anyone that only smokes weed. Weed in itself is never an issue.

Alcohol is on a par with heroin in terms of harm and more of a problem in terms of volume of people (obviously cos its legal).[/quote]
@BettyBag hmmm. You're the one taking bollocks. If you don't think 50 years of weed smoking doesn't alter your brain /lungs / throat / mouth then you're extremely ill educated.
Also, you've also responded to my response by talking about a completely different drug - alcohol. Alcohol affects the body in a different way to weed obviously (liver, gastrointestinal tract, kidneys / urinary). Before becoming aggressive and accusing me of talking bollocks, educate yourself and tighten up your argument.

@BettyBag "weed in itself is never an issue" - you are either a fool or completely inexperienced in this area

[quote BettyBag]@thingymaboob

This is such bollocks. Most people in the UK will have been drinking alcohol for 50 years when they reach 70. How much harm it does of course depends on strength, frequency of use and how much they consume.
I also work with drug and alcohol users and I have literally never had anyone that only smokes weed. Weed in itself is never an issue.

Alcohol is on a par with heroin in terms of harm and more of a problem in terms of volume of people (obviously cos its legal).[/quote]
Weed was a real issue for me, didn't drink because of growing up around violent drunks. Just smoked from around 15 till I was 49. Started of a little, ended up near an oz a day towards end, coffee and spliff before getting out of bed, then just like I was smoking ciggys through the day. Didn't kill me going cold turkey at the end, but it bloody hurt, mainly mentally. Even now I feel the pull, chokes me up wanting it. Maybe I'm just ridiculous. I lost all my friends through giving up too. Not saying it's the same for everyone who has the odd crafty toke

BettyBag you claim you work with drug and alcohol users

And you have those opinions! That is certainly not from people who know what they are talking about.

Go to mental health ward you will soon realise what utter nonsense you are posting