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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH smoking weed with my 19yo DS

159 replies

ofwarren · 20/01/2022 00:15

My DH and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 DS together (5&7) and I have a DS from a previous relationship.
DH used to smoke weed on and off but it became daily and he started smoking it in the house with my 19 year old son. I blew my top and threw away all drugs and paraphernalia and told them both that I do not want drugs in the house around my younger children.

A few days ago I went downstairs and DH had lit the scented candles which I thought was odd, but he just said he liked the ambiance. Tonight I forgot to take my medication and went downstairs and the candles were lit again and there was a strong smell of weed. Both DH and DS tried to lie to me and say they didn't use any, then they tried to say it was just DS. It was obvious it was both of them because they have both got red eyes.
DH saying I'm overreacting, there is nothing wrong with it and they only lied because they knew how I would react.

I'm furious that drugs are in my house again and also furious about being lied to.
AIBU?
What would you do in this situation?
Both DS and DH work and DS has high functioning ASD.

OP posts:
HelloBunny · 20/01/2022 08:41

I hate the stuff. Managed to get it out of my house. I think... DH is going to his mates house for the weekend (friend is going through divorce). They are both going to spend the whole time smoking weed & drinking...

Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 08:44

@Lalliella

Deal breaker for me. Weed ruined my brother’s life. Can you Chuck them both out?
It's hard with my son because he's autistic and is really quite "young" for his age. He's managing with a part time job in a shop on a government scheme but he really doesn't know how to care for himself properly or how to get or run a home.
OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 20/01/2022 08:44

@ofwarren

Apparently I'm "callous" as are all you who agree with me...
I'm callous too then. It would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry you are in this position.
comfortablyfrumpy · 20/01/2022 08:46

"It's hard with my son because he's autistic and is really quite "young" for his age. He's managing with a part time job in a shop on a government scheme but he really doesn't know how to care for himself properly or how to get or run a home."

Sorry OP, but in my view, this makes your DH's behaviour even worse.

Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 08:46

@comfortablyfrumpy

"It's hard with my son because he's autistic and is really quite "young" for his age. He's managing with a part time job in a shop on a government scheme but he really doesn't know how to care for himself properly or how to get or run a home."

Sorry OP, but in my view, this makes your DH's behaviour even worse.

Totally agree with you
OP posts:
BettyBag · 20/01/2022 08:46

You know I am in a similar position to you OP. I didn't occur to me at first.

I banned my DC drinking alcohol the house during lockdown. DH drinks about twice a year when he has a couple of friends over for sporting events, I am given lots of notice and opportunity to make myself scarce (if I want to ofc, he doesn't chase me out).

If I found out DH was secretly drinking alcohol with our son (who's around your sons age) I would be fucking livid and may well LTB if he reacted like yours.

I am sure almost 90% of people would think I over reacting because my attitude to alcohol is very much outside the norm.

maddy68 · 20/01/2022 08:48

I'm not seeing the issue. Would you have a problem with them having a beer together?

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 20/01/2022 08:58

I used to smoke weed and it wasn't until I stopped and my ex husband still did it that I realised the smell from it was so strong.

Tell him if he just smoke it to take it right outside and stop including your son in his smoking sessions

Derbee · 20/01/2022 09:00

I’d suggest that they might want to look into moving out, and a house share of some sort. I wouldn’t accept a partner smoking weed anyway, never mind with young children in the house etc.

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 20/01/2022 09:02

He is doing it so that the younger dc can smell it (if there’s a smell the house when they are home) and possibly supplying the older DS. I’d contact police - but that will probably end your marriage.

EllaVaNight · 20/01/2022 09:07

If they're gonna continue to do it I'd make sure they keep it locked somewhere so the children can't get it and smoke away from the house. If they can't do that or you still aren't happy with that then they'll have to move out. I hope any alcohol is locked away safely too as it is a very powerful drug. It's only legal because so much money is made from it.

elelel · 20/01/2022 09:12

It sounds like your son needs protecting. What on earth is your husband thinking of?

Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 09:14

@elelel

It sounds like your son needs protecting. What on earth is your husband thinking of?
Exactly, but according to him he's not done anything wrong because my son is doing it anyway at his mates house.
OP posts:
Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 09:15

@JustKeepSwimmingJust

He is doing it so that the younger dc can smell it (if there’s a smell the house when they are home) and possibly supplying the older DS. I’d contact police - but that will probably end your marriage.
Even worse, DS is bringing it back from his mates house to give to DH Hmm
OP posts:
NaameChaange · 20/01/2022 09:16

I used to be a daily weed smoker for about ten years. Eventually it fucked me up mentally. I think if you do it sparingly it's fine but that in itself is a challenge. How often are they smoking it?

Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 09:17

@NaameChaange

I used to be a daily weed smoker for about ten years. Eventually it fucked me up mentally. I think if you do it sparingly it's fine but that in itself is a challenge. How often are they smoking it?
DH only been a few times recently I think, but can't be sure. My DS is doing it every day I think 😔
OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 20/01/2022 09:17

@maddy68

I'm not seeing the issue. Would you have a problem with them having a beer together?
A beer isn't going to be breathed in by the younger children which is a legitimate concern. Either way in a partnership was goes and is acceptable should be a joint decision not one partner disregarding the other. If he disagrees with her concerns they should discuss it and arrive at a mutually acceptable compromise. Instead he's taking more of a 'so - what, stuff you' approach which isn't really what you would want from an adult partner. Especially if he is encouraging the 19yo to lie to his mum, the same 19yo who is likely going to need her continued support for a few years yet. A young adult who relies on his parents thinking it's acceptable to ignore their wishes is setting up trouble for all. Next time he crosses a line and she tries to maintain the boundary it'll be that much harder, that could make the next few years "fun" depending on the older ds next life choices. It's just poor parenting to encourage disrespect of his mum.
NaameChaange · 20/01/2022 09:21

Yeah daily use is a big problem. Sadly he's probably not going to listen though. It's not just the mental side of things, you feel permanently groggy, you have reduced drive and ambition (at least that was my experience).

The problem is that your husband is pushing back - saying oh it's fine etc. yes, in small doses it is fine but a daily habit for your son really isn't.

Momicrone · 20/01/2022 09:22

I don't smoke it myself but am looking forward to it being legalised, however its wrong of your dh to do that with your ds as he is still young and vulnerable. Ultimately your ds is an adult and needs to make his own choices in life, but your dh should not be encouraging him or part of it

junglejane66 · 20/01/2022 09:25

@DiddyHeck

He reckons they did it at the back door but I could smell it up the stairs. Even so, I really don't want drugs in my house.

Then there's no compromise to be had because even if they went for a walk to smoke a joint, they'd still have to keep the weed in the house. Are you worried your young DC might manage to get hold of it?

You could keep it in a shed or out building
elelel · 20/01/2022 09:36

@Momicrone

I don't smoke it myself but am looking forward to it being legalised, however its wrong of your dh to do that with your ds as he is still young and vulnerable. Ultimately your ds is an adult and needs to make his own choices in life, but your dh should not be encouraging him or part of it

He is an autistic adult who doesn't possess the
maturity of your 'average' 19 year old. It's unrealistic to say he is an adult and can make his own choices, because he isn't making a fair or balanced decision. He needs guidance and support for everyday tasks, he needs help to pull away from drugs, not the green light from an adult in his life who is supposed to be 'on his side' - there is nothing supportive about encouraging a young person to take drugs

ByTheSea · 20/01/2022 09:36

@maddy68

I'm not seeing the issue. Would you have a problem with them having a beer together?
This
Original poster
ofwarren · 20/01/2022 09:37

Well he's looking at houses online so I guess he's moving out. Who'd have thought weed would be more important than his family Confused

I need "ducks in a row advice"
We rent through social housing. I don't work as I'm full time carer for one of our children who's on high rate DLA. All the benefits are in my name.
He did have access to my Internet banking so I've gone in and changed the log in details.
What else do I have to do?

OP posts:
Momicrone · 20/01/2022 09:38

Elelel, exactly, that's what I said, the dh shouldn't be encouraging a young and vulnerable adult

elelel · 20/01/2022 09:38

Sit tight re the house - is it a joint tenancy?

I'm sorry this is happening Thanks

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