DH smoking weed with my 19yo DS

[ofwarren]

My DH and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 DS together (5&7) and I have a DS from a previous relationship.
DH used to smoke weed on and off but it became daily and he started smoking it in the house with my 19 year old son. I blew my top and threw away all drugs and paraphernalia and told them both that I do not want drugs in the house around my younger children.

A few days ago I went downstairs and DH had lit the scented candles which I thought was odd, but he just said he liked the ambiance. Tonight I forgot to take my medication and went downstairs and the candles were lit again and there was a strong smell of weed. Both DH and DS tried to lie to me and say they didn't use any, then they tried to say it was just DS. It was obvious it was both of them because they have both got red eyes.
DH saying I'm overreacting, there is nothing wrong with it and they only lied because they knew how I would react.

I'm furious that drugs are in my house again and also furious about being lied to.
AIBU?
What would you do in this situation?
Both DS and DH work and DS has high functioning ASD.

I'm fairly relaxed about weed (it's legal where I Iive anyway, but I used to live in the UK and it seemed as though it may as well be legal there too, judging by a lot of people's attitude to it) but this situation doesn't bode well for your relationship.

You made it very clear how you felt about it the last time this happened. He minimised your feelings. Now it's happening again and he lied to you about it, and when you said you'd involve the police he just said "go on then, do it". For me it's not so much about them having a spliff in the garden, but more about everything else that has followed and the way he has disrespected you and lied you. His behaviour sounds awful.

My DH occasionally vapes weed in the garage with his friends during their hobby night, it doesn't bother me in the slightest, but if I told him I felt very strongly about it and didn't want it in my house and he continued to do it and lied to me about it then I would be very hurt and I'm not sure I could stay with him.

I'd be telling him to pack his bags.

I’d be furious.
Cannabis is not a benign drug anymore.
Huge difference between the resin smoked when I was at uni compared to the plants smoked today.
I have seen no end of young men with mental illness as a result of smoking cannabis.
Plus the smell is vile, I wouldn’t want young children exposed to it.
Your DH is a dick.

It’s your house and wether or not the police are bothered it’s still currently an illegal drug. Your husband is lying to do you too. It’s not a university halls or house it’s your home while young children are there. I hate drugs not for me at all. I have family members that indulge that’s their decision but they wouldn’t dare do it in my house. It’s disrespectful.

@DiddyHeck

The police wouldn't be interested at all but SS might if the kids were exposed to it.

They really won't Not that it's ok for a grown man to be encouraging a teenager to smoke weed regularly but this is NOT a social services issue

Thank you for all your responses.
I didn't think I was BU but he told me I was so I wanted to ask other people.

I wouldn’t live with someone who smokes weed. I would not want my kids going to school smelling of it.

@LadyPropane

I'm fairly relaxed about weed (it's legal where I Iive anyway, but I used to live in the UK and it seemed as though it may as well be legal there too, judging by a lot of people's attitude to it) but this situation doesn't bode well for your relationship.

You made it very clear how you felt about it the last time this happened. He minimised your feelings. Now it's happening again and he lied to you about it, and when you said you'd involve the police he just said "go on then, do it". For me it's not so much about them having a spliff in the garden, but more about everything else that has followed and the way he has disrespected you and lied you. His behaviour sounds awful.

My DH occasionally vapes weed in the garage with his friends during their hobby night, it doesn't bother me in the slightest, but if I told him I felt very strongly about it and didn't want it in my house and he continued to do it and lied to me about it then I would be very hurt and I'm not sure I could stay with him.

I'd be telling him to pack his bags.

I think this sums up my view on this. It's not just the weed it's the 'tough shit what're you gonna do about it anyway" attitude that stinks as much as the weed. Can't imagine anyone who loves and respects their wife talking to their wife like they are a belligerent teenager!

You might want to remind them that whoever is buying the drugs can also be classed as a dealer if they are supplying the other one the police will want to know then (it doesn't matter if no money actually crosses hands)

The weed must have got to their brains already if they think standing by the back door and lighting candles would fool you.
The smell seeps into clothes, skin, hair, breath..

Like others have said, yeah it was fun back in the day of no responsibility and a group of chillin' mates, but he is a father who is deliberately involving your adult child in deceiving you.
Deal-breaker for me too. For the lying alone, let alone the rest of it.

Is he ever in charge of his own young children by himself?

No I'm the house and no I'm the garden either as the neighbours can smell it a mile off and you have the 2 little ones to think of. If they want to do it the have to go elsewhere that would be my rules and I would be prepared to end the relationship over it. Smoking at home makes it so much easier for your son to make a habit and that's bad for the long term

I've just shown him the thread and he said "I bet I could find you just as many people who say you are overreacting"....

In the house or in the garden !

@Justleaveitblankthen

The weed must have got to their brains already if they think standing by the back door and lighting candles would fool you. The smell seeps into clothes, skin, hair, breath..

Like others have said, yeah it was fun back in the day of no responsibility and a group of chillin' mates, but he is a father who is deliberately involving your adult child in deceiving you.
Deal-breaker for me too. For the lying alone, let alone the rest of it.

Is he ever in charge of his own young children by himself?

Yes, he does have the kids alone. I've never smelt it when ive come back though.

It's illegal and it destroys your brain, theres many links to mental health problems with it. anyone who says its harmless because its just a plant and natural need to be reminded that opium is also just a plant and natual as is tobacco and anthrax etc all and that it has been genetically modified for years to be a much more powerful plant that can grow on a windowsil (if that plant was left alone as it was when it was first discovered it wouldn't make you high and would be impossible to grow indoors as its practically a small tree).

I would be telling them both to find somewhere else to live TBH had enough of that shit with my brother and his mental health continues to decline over 20 years after he stopped it, paranoid sponge that he is.

I could never be with someone who smokes weed, regardless of who he smokes it with, and where. So personally I’d have ended the relationship already.

Honestly
Would it bother you if they were having a beer together ?
The term drugs is an emotive one

But in my view weed is no better no worse than alcohol
Hence why it’s legal in so many countries

It’s also a better relaxant for asd than alcohol in my opinion

Anyway , people get very triggered by the drugs terms

But I think weed has a place in the world
As does alcohol
Not ideal , but life isn’t ideal

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Honestly Would it bother you if they were having a beer together ? The term drugs is an emotive one

But in my view weed is no better no worse than alcohol
Hence why it’s legal in so many countries

It’s also a better relaxant for asd than alcohol in my opinion

Anyway , people get very triggered by the drugs terms

But I think weed has a place in the world
As does alcohol
Not ideal , but life isn’t ideal

They have a beer together quite often. Cannabis is illegal and can cause mental health issues when you use it as a teenager. I also don't appreciate my husband and my teenage son lying to my face.

My DH smokes the occasional spliff with my 19 year old DS in the garden. We also have a primary school aged child at home. It wouldn't ever occur to me to mind, tbh. I share a few g&ts with my son sometimes. I come from a country where drinking at aged 19 is illegal, and I know my mother finds it fairly shocking that I 'encourage' my teenager to drink. I am not shocked by his having a drink with me or the odd smoke with my DH. It has zero impact on our lives. No one in my house has a drug or drink problem, and they never get in a state. I can't imagine that the police or social services would care.

The only problem I would have in your situation is you asked them both not to, and your DH lied to you. I wouldn't want to live with a man who could lie to my face, or encourage my son to do the same.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Honestly Would it bother you if they were having a beer together ? The term drugs is an emotive one

But in my view weed is no better no worse than alcohol
Hence why it’s legal in so many countries

It’s also a better relaxant for asd than alcohol in my opinion

Anyway , people get very triggered by the drugs terms

But I think weed has a place in the world
As does alcohol
Not ideal , but life isn’t ideal

Alcohol is not a relaxant for ASD or otherwise, I have GAD we are told not to drink it increases anxiety once you sober up.

Irrelevant of the "everyone smokes it" narrative lots take on MN the fact remains it is a CLASS B drug. Its dangerous to young minds and does turn its users into liars.

I also feel sorry for your neighbours, as it stinks and permeates through the walls and is a vile stink.

You can report him to Police, you can report him to social services and you should. Whether they do anything is up to them, but when you LTB as you should just for his level of disrespect, you can generate a paper trail of concerns you had for his inability to look past the end of his nose and actually acknowledge the needs of your young children. You can also prove you tried to do something about it to protect your kids.

@ofwarren As an ex smoker (non problematic) BUT (and it’s a massive ‘BUT’) the mother of a 24yr old son who has been sectioned and then imprisoned as a direct result of cannabis psychosis, I will say absolutely unequivocally that YANBU at all.

Modern day, high strength THC weed can be extremely dangerous and IDGAF if some are unaffected (like myself), some people’s lives (especially young men’s) are being damaged right now as we post. I spent a week with my son when he was acutely psychotic and it was horrendous.

If parents partake in drugs, the odds are their offspring will as well - high strength weed in the UK is fucked around with by arseholes that want to make lots of money - it. Is. dangerous. Your DH is taking the fucking piss - you do not want to end up having the experiences I did.

DS24 is now sober, far happier and healthier and working. I would NEVER have it in my house again.

Wouldn't have a problem at all. IMO weed much less harmful than alcohol.

Could you ask the go do it out if the house though if you are worried about the young children? The problem seems mainly respect for your wishes.

I am not shocked by his having a drink with me or the odd smoke with my DH. It has zero impact on our lives. No one in my house has a drug or drink problem,

My parents would have said this about smoking/drinking with my brother. In their (professional, educated) social circle it was all fairly normal to drink and smoke weed with your late teenage/young adult DC. Relaxed and fun.

Most of the children within that 5 family or so group drank and smoked a bit at uni and then calmed down and don’t have drink or drug issues as adults. My other siblings and I can’t stand weed because we remember how stupid it make out parents, but that’s by the by.

However the OP’s DS is on the autism spectrum and therefore more inherently vulnerable and may therefore face additional social and other challenges as an adult. He will, of course, end up being offered drink/drugs by his mates but he doesn’t need this modelled/normalised by a parental figure. My very smart, athletic brother with ASD became very unwell mentally in his 20s. Most of it was amphetamines but by then he was also a heavy, habitual weed smoker. My parents aren’t proud that they were the first people to start having spliffs with him.

@Excited101

This is absolutely appalling! I don’t know what I’d do op, but I’d be tempted to LTB

Over a bit of weed is a tad much. If they smoke it somewhere else/it's irregular it's fine.

I don't have particularly strong opinions and I'm not a cannabis expert but how is this any worse than alcohol?

The smell, maybe as some don't like it. But you'd end a marriage over that?😳