He was right- I feel like I'm drowning under it all

OilyHomer · 2022-01-19T08:08:29+00:00

I fled a DV relationship nearly three years ago. He and his family told me I wouldn't last the week. I've lasted longer than a week, but I now feel like I'm drowning. My DCs are in therapy for trauma, because of what they went through and saw. I'm on edge all the time because everything is a trigger either for me or for one of the DC I feel sorry for my DC, and guilty. I've dragged them from a life they knew, to a life in which they're young carers, too skint to get them the furniture they need, and everything is chaotic I'm sorry. I just needed to get it out

MrsPotatoHead22 · 19/01/2022 08:10

Yabu. You took them away from a damaging life Op. That's the most amazing thing a mother could do.

Have you got much support around you?

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 19/01/2022 08:12

This is better than life with your abuser, they are getting therapy and things will be calmer in the house even if there is less furniture. Keep going op. 3 years is a lot longer than a week

Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:12

Not much. I had to flee far away from my friends- most of whom took his side anyway.

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CoffeeAndDryShampoo · 19/01/2022 08:15

Are you seeking help for yourself OP, counselling or therapy? You should be immensely proud that you have removed yourself and your children from a toxic environment. You feel guilty about dragging them from the life they knew, but that wasn't a life for children if they witnessed DV, and you are accessing help for them to work through their traumas. You don't need to feel guilty for that.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/01/2022 08:16

It will get better.

My mum left my dad when I was 20 and my brother was 16/17

I def thought once we were gone despite being stupidly poor we would be fine and everything would be nice. It's wasn't and we weren't.

The damage and the dynamics don't magically fix themselves we had 5-7 years that were ROUGH at times.
Now, we honestly are a happy normal (whatever that is) family. Few bumps but nothing remarkable

It will get better... you and the kids are just still unpacking it.

It's worth thinking about small practical steps you can take. We got a huge amount of furniture from freecycle amd used things like Jack munroe recipes to make tasty cheap meals

Also check turn2us to ensure you are claiming all benefits you are entitled to...

Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:18

@CoffeeAndDryShampoo

Are you seeking help for yourself OP, counselling or therapy? You should be immensely proud that you have removed yourself and your children from a toxic environment. You feel guilty about dragging them from the life they knew, but that wasn't a life for children if they witnessed DV, and you are accessing help for them to work through their traumas. You don't need to feel guilty for that.

I've been diagnosed with CPTSD, and I'm on the waiting list for therapy. I didn't really think about getting help for myself, as I was more concerned about getting my babies the help they needed

They're so, so brave. It was when they told me that the abuse had spread to then that I fled. No one, but no one, lays a hand on my babies

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Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:22

@Totalwasteofpaper

It will get better.

My mum left my dad when I was 20 and my brother was 16/17

I def thought once we were gone despite being stupidly poor we would be fine and everything would be nice. It's wasn't and we weren't.

The damage and the dynamics don't magically fix themselves we had 5-7 years that were ROUGH at times.
Now, we honestly are a happy normal (whatever that is) family. Few bumps but nothing remarkable

It will get better... you and the kids are just still unpacking it.

It's worth thinking about small practical steps you can take. We got a huge amount of furniture from freecycle amd used things like Jack munroe recipes to make tasty cheap meals

Also check turn2us to ensure you are claiming all benefits you are entitled to...

Thank you for giving me a little insight into what a success story looks like! 🌼

My youngest DS still cries for his GPs sometimes. He doesn't seem to understand that GPs who smack him around the head etc, are not nice people. They were abusive to me too

I'll take a look on Freecycle. I don't drive, which limits what I can collect etc, but even looking is better than sitting here feeling sorry for myself!

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Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2022 08:22

OilyHomer

"Not much. I had to flee far away from my friends- most of whom took his side anyway."

They were not real friends. Make new ones slowly and find a local charity that supports with furniture etc.

Wherever you are there may be something.

You did the right thing. Your ex was wrong. In every sense. He created a shit storm and you are dealing with it.

Are you claiming all the benefits you can? Find s good local charity that can help you.

Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:25

@Italiangreyhound

OilyHomer

"Not much. I had to flee far away from my friends- most of whom took his side anyway."

They were not real friends. Make new ones slowly and find a local charity that supports with furniture etc.

Wherever you are there may be something.

You did the right thing. Your ex was wrong. In every sense. He created a shit storm and you are dealing with it.

Are you claiming all the benefits you can? Find s good local charity that can help you.

I'm beginning to realize they weren't real friends. Most of them knew what was going on, to some degree, and tried to "help" by suggesting I become a little less outspoken, and not push his buttons.

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Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:26

Sorry- the question about benefits. Yes, I'm claiming everything I can apparently.

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LittleOwl153 · 19/01/2022 08:28

Do you have any kind of support worker? Ask I'd they can help with furniture either from within their resources or to get you a van to collect whatever you can get on free cycle etc. It's certainly doable to furnish cheaply second hand.

You will get there. You are amazing to have got this far!

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2022 08:28

www.besom.com/

This charity outs people in touch who have things to give (furniture, time, money etc) with those who need it. They operate in many areas.

They are a religious charity but I believe anyone can ask for help. That is the idea.

PuntasticUsername · 19/01/2022 08:31

"He doesn't seem to understand that GPs who smack him around the head etc, are not nice people."

Of course he doesn't. Love is complicated, and it takes time to figure out that the people you love aren't always good for you, and that there's nothing you can do to change that. Especially for a kid. He'll get there.

You're amazing OP. You have done such a hard thing in leaving, and naturally people are telling you you will fail. They want you to fail. Let that strengthen you! Claim everything you're entitled to, always remember how far you've come, and keep your precious babies safe.

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2022 08:31

"Most of them knew what was going on, to some degree, and tried to "help" by suggesting I become a little less outspoken, and not push his buttons."

This is called victim blaming and is totally wrong!

There will be kind people out there. But you are feeling fragile so go slowly.

You will be able to cope. You just need support. Why not see if the area has a local charity that puts people in touch with relevant help. A kind of citizen's as ice for your area.

Imayhaveerred · 19/01/2022 08:32

It’s always worth politely asking if the person on Freecycle can help with delivery. Also if your finances stretch to buying from British Heart Foundation or other charity furniture shops they can deliver.

Look at Facebook Marketplace if you’re on it, some good quality things there for very little cash.

Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:32

I think I may have just found a charity which provides furniture! Feel like I've been given a massive kick up the butt now! I'll call then as soon as DS2 has left for school

Fuck this shit. Today is the day I start to get shit done

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Imayhaveerred · 19/01/2022 08:35

@Italiangreyhound

www.besom.com/

This charity outs people in touch who have things to give (furniture, time, money etc) with those who need it. They operate in many areas.

They are a religious charity but I believe anyone can ask for help. That is the idea.

Emmaus are a similar organisation, and see if you have a Lions group in your area - our local one runs an excellent furniture rehoming operation.

I left an emotionally abusive relationship with nothing and almost all my furniture has come from these places. Sometimes I think how lovely it would be to just walk into John Lewis and pick everything I want but I have tried to see it as better for the environment and also a bit of a quest, finding what I need at a price I can afford.

Good luck, you will get through this

crystalize · 19/01/2022 08:38

Thats the spirit! Baby steps OP and my motto is 'if you don't ask you don't get' ha. I've found people are happy to help if you reach out x

Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:43

@Italiangreyhound

www.besom.com/

This charity outs people in touch who have things to give (furniture, time, money etc) with those who need it. They operate in many areas.

They are a religious charity but I believe anyone can ask for help. That is the idea.

Thank you. I just found the one nearest to me, and I've put it on my list of calls today

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Sasketchewoo · 19/01/2022 08:45

Your ex was wrong. What a horrible thing to have tried to trash your confidence like that. Lots of women (realistically) don't leave abusive relationships and while that's for complex reasons and shouldn't be judged, equally you get to hold your head up very high for having been so strong. Things are going to get better, this is just such a big thing it will take time.

I'm glad you've found a possible place to get furniture.

Bearing in mind therapy waits are so long, please check this YouTube account out - www.youtube.com/c/CrappyChildhoodFairy/videos - it is a series of really good resources on cPTSD. I think there'd be things there that would help you

Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:45

I'm so sorry. I'm trying to reply to everyone, but I'm so slow 🙄

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Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:46

@Sasketchewoo

Your ex was wrong. What a horrible thing to have tried to trash your confidence like that. Lots of women (realistically) don't leave abusive relationships and while that's for complex reasons and shouldn't be judged, equally you get to hold your head up very high for having been so strong. Things are going to get better, this is just such a big thing it will take time.

I'm glad you've found a possible place to get furniture.

Bearing in mind therapy waits are so long, please check this YouTube account out - www.youtube.com/c/CrappyChildhoodFairy/videos - it is a series of really good resources on cPTSD. I think there'd be things there that would help you

Thank you. I'll take a look

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Crucible · 19/01/2022 08:48

furnistore.co.uk/
The Emmaus Charity
BHF furniture shops

A social worker can usually advise if a grant or loan is available.

Local churches will usually know of places and try to help. Good luck.

Original poster

OilyHomer · 19/01/2022 08:49

It sounds crazy, but I stayed FOR the kids. I had a fucked up upbringing, and I wanted a stable family for them. I wanted to give them everything I didn't have

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thebigpurpleone · 19/01/2022 08:50

@OilyHomer

It sounds crazy, but I stayed FOR the kids. I had a fucked up upbringing, and I wanted a stable family for them. I wanted to give them everything I didn't have

Your upbringing is likely the reason you stayed in an anusive relationship. Well done for finally leaving so that you are breaking the pattern for your kids