He was right- I feel like I'm drowning under it all

[OilyHomer]

I fled a DV relationship nearly three years ago. He and his family told me I wouldn't last the week. I've lasted longer than a week, but I now feel like I'm drowning. My DCs are in therapy for trauma, because of what they went through and saw. I'm on edge all the time because everything is a trigger either for me or for one of the DC

I feel sorry for my DC, and guilty. I've dragged them from a life they knew, to a life in which they're young carers, too skint to get them the furniture they need, and everything is chaotic

I'm sorry. I just needed to get it out

in my local area there are quite a few places offering free food some are churches but the food is for everyone that needs it ,it is outside so you don't have to speak to anyone there is always loads of bread if you have a local community site you might find something on there

I don't know where you are location wise OP, but other posters have mentioned charities as a great source of support in many ways. You have managed to take your family out of a broken, harmful situation. You did that. It will be hard at times but you can get past it and get your DC's involved in cooking, shopping, clearing up. Make family life as involved and give them a sense of ownership and show them it feels good to be involved and in control of smallish things. This will help you as a family feel continually bonded and give you all a sense of achievement each time you do something together. Give them little compliments daily and enjoy little moments. It gets so much better. It is possible to walk away from all those previous relationships and start again and hour DC will thrive, so will you. Can you share a book together, reading a little bit each day then talk about it, teach them a card game, get them to teach you something. All these little things make a big difference.

@TeenyQueen

You're not drowning, you're working hard to give your children a better life. At the end of the day what matters is that your children feel safe and loved, even if they have materially less than before.

I have previously donated bits of furniture and clothing directly to a family fleeing abuse after a Facebook appeal. It might be worth it to reach out to your local community for donations.

You're doing the best you can and you love your kids, that's what matters!

Yes, Women's aid near us often do appeals, for furniture,equipment, clothing for families.

Hi OP, I'm rooting for you. I've been struggling to sort out transport, help with uncluttering etc for my mum, who has been landed in the middle of nowhere by an abusive relationship.

Neighbourhood help groups who offer volunteer drivers have been a big help. With impaired sight you have a very good reason to call on them. I hope you can sort something out along these lines. As others have said, one thing at a time, one day at a time.

Op you sound incredible. You've don't the best thing you possibly could for your kids, please don't ever forget that. It will be tough, it will at times be shit, but I promise you it would have been a lot tougher and shittier had you stayed with twatface.
I'm SW also if you want to DM me your approx location I can have a search for some stuff for you.
Keep going your doing great.

I don't have any practical help to offer, sorry, but just wanted to say you're incredible. Three years of looking after yourself and your children. Not to mention getting yourself and them free of the abuse in the first place.
What a woman. Keep going. You don't sound like someone who's drowning. And, while I do understand you want to give your kids things, and furniture etc is quite important, the main thing is they are safe, secure and loved. They'll remember that much more than how their house was furnished or what things they had or didn't.

You sound amazing OP.

For tidying your kitchen start by decluttering - things you never use that could go to charity/sold, what is used very little and could be stored in a loft/shed space (our large soup pot for example lives in our loft). Drawer dividers for cutlery/utensils. Hooks for often used utensils beside the hob. Turntables for cupboards so you don't have to empty things every time you need a bottle from the back of the shelf. Shelf racks to give you extra layers if the space is too tall.

About to catch up.

Just in case it would help anyone else, I used Hartlands Furniture for my drawers and bed.

Some brilliant ideas here- thank you! The thing I've been most grateful for, however, is having somewhere to vent 🌼 🌸

Just wanted to say you are absolutely awesome @OilyHomer

You have been so strong for your DC. Hope you find the support you need.

I'm feeling so much more positive!

I'm making lists of immediate, and long term, tasks

First up is to start a proper morning routine tomorrow morning

Shower when the DC have left the house, because I matter too

Sort out my bedroom cupboard

Look on Amazon for storage solutions for the kitchen

During the next month:

Shop for a unit for the lounge, to keep all of my art shit in (ikr? A blind artist 🤣🤣🤣🤣) so that it isn't cluttering the lounge up

Then clutter the lounge up with even more art!

Ok- maybe not. But even after three years, it still feels novel to actually be allowed to make a mess! Paint is awesome! Shame my "talent" doesn't extend to painting actual walls...

For each big task I complete, I'm going to treat myself to a single polychromos pencil. It'll be a visual reminder of how far I've come!

Oh, and organize the damn rubbish collection!

See, you weren't drowning - you were swimming for the surface and now you've crashed through to the open air. It takes as long as it takes. Keep the momentum going, lean on the power of Mumsnet and I love your idea of one polychromos pencil for each achievement.

(I have a foster son who uses polychromos and is an amazing artist).

He’s wrong and so are his family. You and your kids are on the pathway to recovery. That takes time and sometimes it’s fucking hard, like now. Look at what you’ve managed so far: escaped your ex, living elsewhere, getting your children into therapy and getting through each day despite the trauma you’ve all been through while rebuilding your lives for the better. You’re bloody amazing. Don’t forget that.

For travel help you could try the royal voluntary service as they offer a volunteer driver service. www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/our-services/getting-out-about/

You can also search here to see if you have a local community transport scheme. ctauk.org/

Or just Google your town and community transport.

It's so weird: someone upthread mentioned "swimming through treacle"...that's how it feels sometimes. But today, it feels like the treacle is just that little bit thinner!

So, a little bit more about me I guess?

He first hit me two weeks into our relationship. No kids then, obviously

I didn't leave. That's all I'd ever known: in a way, it almost gave me security when he hit me, as if I knew where I stood then

Fast forward through a wedding and 2 DC, until June 2019. Something horrible happened while I was taking a short cut through some woods (if that outs me, please don't give me away!) I confided in a friend, and it started a dialog about consent etc. I started to realize then, that what was happening with DT was wrong, that it wasn't my duty, and that I was worth more

By July, I'd kicked him out

In August, the DC told me that he'd been abusing them too. That's when I decided I needed to leave the area, for our own safety (he has a huge family: even if we'd moved towns, or to a nearby city, we would have probably been found)

We were in a refuge for a few months before the council gave us our current property

Reading that back, though, I think that this chapter of my story starts earlier than this: it started in February 2019, when I admitted that I'm an alcoholic, and sought help (I'm three years sober next month)

And here we are! Chaotic, tearful sometimes- but free!

Wishing you a full spectrum of beautiful colouring pencils, OP, and much joy making art.

Here's an example of my "art"...Picasso I'm not!

I got so sick of seeing "live, laugh, love' everywhere, that I thought I'd create my own for the toilet...

That is pure genius. Lovely colours too.

It had to have some gold on it, because I've got a tacky as fuck golden turd on my toilet windowsill. I guess we're all a little batshit in this house

I'd far rather have that on my wall than bloody live laugh love!

My top tip is the fridge trays in B&M kitchen stuff aisle. They are perfect for tins and packets in cupboards - when you look for something you can pull the whole tray out. So if you're a short arse like me, it makes it easier to see what's at the 'back'. www.bmstores.co.uk/products/fridge-storage-tray-31-x-16-x-9cm-319846

I use these crates for my pans and heavy items that you'd put in a bottom cupboard for the same reason. www.poundstretcher.co.uk/large-black-patterned-basket

I'm short too- 4'10!

I've just found some awesome kitchen storage stuff on Amazon! Loads of kitchen stuff- but also a shower pole thingy with shelves, which works on a sort of spring: which means I don't have to risk killing myself with a drill (I can't even change a plug, I shit you not!)

I get paid at approximately 12.25am tomorrow. By 12.30, I'll be on Amazon.

Another thing I sat down and did today is work out a budget. I may be scraping a little, but sinking £50-100 a month into the house is doable!

I've just seen on my local NEXTDOOR site a local church offering a coffee morning one day a week , with free bags of food for one hour of that meeting . No questions. Just help yourself to whatever you need . It's also a chance to make new friends. There maybe something similar at a church in your area ?

That sounds brilliant- for the social contact too!