He was right- I feel like I'm drowning under it all

[OilyHomer]

I fled a DV relationship nearly three years ago. He and his family told me I wouldn't last the week. I've lasted longer than a week, but I now feel like I'm drowning. My DCs are in therapy for trauma, because of what they went through and saw. I'm on edge all the time because everything is a trigger either for me or for one of the DC

I feel sorry for my DC, and guilty. I've dragged them from a life they knew, to a life in which they're young carers, too skint to get them the furniture they need, and everything is chaotic

I'm sorry. I just needed to get it out

I just want to tell you how much I admire you. It takes a lot of courage to go away and save your children and you did it.

A big hug from me.

You're so brave.

You have absolutely done the right thing. I know it may be hard now but in time things will get better and your children will be happier. You just have to find a new normal, you and your dc's have been conditioned to think the abuse was acceptable/normal behaviour. Thank goodness you realised it isn't - many don't.

They'll look back and see how strong their mum was.

First of all, well done for getting out, that’s the hardest step. I know because I was in a similar situation five years ago and thanks to the best of vipers that is Mumsnet, not only did I survive, I thrived. There is a lot of amazing support here so keep coming back.
The other thing you need to know is that it is a slow process, sometimes you will panic that he’s tracked you down, some days you will look over your shoulder all the time. There are days where you wonder if you’ve done the right thing (you have) and maybe wonder if you should go back - you shouldn’t. These days get further apart and you and the children make tiny incremental changes until you realise none of you have jumped out of your skin, or looked over your shoulder for three weeks. That feeling you get when you realise that is peace. Enjoy it. 💐

I sometimes see people on Nextdoor looking for help setting up a new home, no need to give lots of details. You might draw a blank but sometimes people rally round and might be able to deliver.

@OilyHomer

Thank you so much for giving my butt a kick today!

I think I'd like to keep this thread going, as someplace to let rip 🤣

Today is the day I stop existing, and start living

So, first world problem number 845...

Can anyone give me inspiration for sorting out a cluttered kitchen?

It's tiny. I have three normal cupboards, one (!) Half sized counter, and I'm not sure where I could really put any shelves.

Here to give you a wee cheer, OP, for doing so brilliantly.

Practically:

Do you have to keep everything in the kitchen? Some foodstuffs that last longer can be stored outside or in a cellar/shed. I store baking tins in the oven.

I have a stacked basket thing for fruit and one for pots, a freestanding potstand type of thing. Can you hang pots from the ceiling? Magnet rack for knives on the wall.

Baking tins in the oven is genius!

My kitchen is tiny too. I keep telling myself at least it's all mine and I don't have to share it (apart from with the kids!)

I repurposed a dvd storage tower,mine is on the worktop. It hardly takes any space and I keep things like small jars, spices and small bits of equipment in it. Things that fit over doors and under wall cupboards are invaluable. I have a 4 tier storage basket over the kitchen door, baskets that fit over the cupboard doors and baskets that fit under the wall cupboards. I got most of these at poundstretcher, some of them were in the bathroom section but it doesn't matter.

@OilyHomer

Have you talked to the school? They should be able to give your school aged children some support too.

@OilyHomer

It sounds crazy, but I stayed FOR the kids. I had a fucked up upbringing, and I wanted a stable family for them. I wanted to give them everything I didn't have

Well, it looks like you're going to.

A stable, loving home with no violence. What you all need and deserve

Good luck OP

Would you be open to reach out to the Salvation Army for both practical support but also adult contact/emotional support. They don't usually push their beliefs on others if that worries you.

I also wall mounted my microwave so that fried up counterspace under it. Not a lot but somewhere to store trays etc

I store some kitchen stuff in the living room in a sideboard (I appreciate this may be shit advice given your opening post about furniture!!!). Sideboards and dressers seem quite cheap and plentiful at my second hand furniture shop.

I rent so end up with whatever we end up with. But I have often managed to work out which kitchen I have fitted and have bought the shelves to go inside. So currently it’s a 90’s b and q kitchen, they are still standard sized, so I’ve been able to buy a shelf pack for some of the cupboards to make it more useable for £20. They come with the little nobbles you shove in the holes and rest the wood on
Have a nosey and see if that’s dooable for yours

@ScottChegg

My kitchen is tiny too. I keep telling myself at least it's all mine and I don't have to share it (apart from with the kids!)

I repurposed a dvd storage tower,mine is on the worktop. It hardly takes any space and I keep things like small jars, spices and small bits of equipment in it. Things that fit over doors and under wall cupboards are invaluable. I have a 4 tier storage basket over the kitchen door, baskets that fit over the cupboard doors and baskets that fit under the wall cupboards. I got most of these at poundstretcher, some of them were in the bathroom section but it doesn't matter.

Oh yes aldi or lidl have some of those organiser things coming up

@OilyHomer

I think I may have just found a charity which provides furniture! Feel like I've been given a massive kick up the butt now! I'll call then as soon as DS2 has left for school

Fuck this shit. Today is the day I start to get shit done

just wanted to send you my concern and support. You can do this!

www.aldi.co.uk/c/specialbuys/dates/2022-01-20?q=%3Apopular&privm=false&page=1&firstPlacementTotalCount=16&secondPlacementTotalCount=49

It’s aldi so they do online.
The telescopic shelves are good as are the corner ones.
I got some in Wilko they were good. Always get the wire ones with space underneath. The plastic block ones are shit and take up loads of space as they just raise stuff up, you lose the space underneath.

Ignore all that excitement it’s all bloody delayed. Sorry

Agree with PP who said about getting another shelf for the cupboard, or you can get these wire baskets which hang underneath shelves. I used to have lots of empty space above tins and glasses and now don’t so much.

Have you got a corner where you could put a trolley with baskets? We had that in our small kitchen before and it was useful for those awkward spaces.

You’re doing so well OP

OP you have done an amazing thing. You are strong.

Never forget that.

Stay strong. You can do this. You've got yourself and your DCs out and saved yourself and them from goodness-knows what else might have happened.

You are on the way to giving them a safe and loving home and a stable future. I was going to suggest Emmaus and British Heart Foundation for furniture but see that others have done that already.

Some local Freecycle groups are also up and running again.

Every good wish to you. Keep striding forward and never looking back.

With hugs. xx

You are doing an amazing job.
Every day is a new day of freedom for you all.
Im North of the boarder. Up here you have a choice of a free bus pass or taxi card that gives you money off taxis with a certain company if you're disabled. Would that be worth asking the council about?
The people on here have been giving you (and others by default) some fabulous advice. Its lovely to read 😊

@OilyHomer

Thank you!

I've just priced up a bulky waste collection with the council too. I'm so happy- I WILL have my Little Paradise!

Did you tell the council that you are registered disabled ? Sometimes they do them for free or at least one a year for free .

Young carers support groups often do days out / trips / activities for the kids. Sometimes it can be easier for kids to say

“ yeah I’m a carer for my mum who is blind “ than

“ I’m traumatised because my bastard of a father abused my mum and my sibling and we’ve had to run away from him “.

I know that shouldn’t be the case but sadly thats the reality .

You're doing brilliantly, don't put yourself down! Have you got a social worker? Ask them for ideas about drivers or befrienders etc, and ask them about particular support for young carers, to see if there's anything your kids could benefit from. Some young carers here can get gym memberships etc to make sure they get enough downtime from caring, and there are support groups etc as well.

From everything you said you have survived - you are amazing. You have done the right thing FOR your kids, and yourself for leaving. Never ever question that If you'd stayed, the damage long term in different ways would have been worse. I am so sorry you were placed in a position that both choices were difficult for you, but you picked the right one

@OilyHomer

I think I may have just found a charity which provides furniture! Feel like I've been given a massive kick up the butt now! I'll call then as soon as DS2 has left for school

Fuck this shit. Today is the day I start to get shit done

Fuck this shit. Today is the day I start to get shit done

Well i'd say that just one comment shows that your ex was wrong all the way!!

Now I am not saying that things aren't hard. I am sure they are. As another poster pointed out, it takes time to unpack all the hurt he has caused. But the love for your dcs is shining through your posts. They will know that you have done the best you could do for them, that you've protected them. This is very important too!

You’ve done an amazing and brave thing.

If you’d broken a bone, gone to hospital, had an X-ray and had it put in plaster, it would still be really painful while it’s healing.
It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have got help and treatment.

This is different but kind of the same.
You’re healing, and you’re coping. Much better than you believe you are.

He wasn’t right. The stupid turd.