He was right- I feel like I'm drowning under it all

[OilyHomer]

I fled a DV relationship nearly three years ago. He and his family told me I wouldn't last the week. I've lasted longer than a week, but I now feel like I'm drowning. My DCs are in therapy for trauma, because of what they went through and saw. I'm on edge all the time because everything is a trigger either for me or for one of the DC

I feel sorry for my DC, and guilty. I've dragged them from a life they knew, to a life in which they're young carers, too skint to get them the furniture they need, and everything is chaotic

I'm sorry. I just needed to get it out

You're not drowning, you're working hard to give your children a better life. At the end of the day what matters is that your children feel safe and loved, even if they have materially less than before.

I have previously donated bits of furniture and clothing directly to a family fleeing abuse after a Facebook appeal. It might be worth it to reach out to your local community for donations.

You're doing the best you can and you love your kids, that's what matters!

My mother stayed and it has messed me up for life and I now don’t talk to her.

You’ve done the right thing.

Thank you guys! Sorry- I'm catching up slowly (i struggle to read quickly because of my sight)

I've always been petrified of ss involvement, because he's still legally got PR. He has no clue where we are, and I'd be scared of him finding out.

I'm scared of starting divorce proceedings for the same reason

Ok...so I've secured a double bed, and the drawers. They're going to be delivered next Tuesday. Before then, I'd like to get my bedroom in order (my room acts like a sort of Dumping Ground for everyrhing)

I can't change my past, or that of my children- but I CAN start to iron out the chaos.

I want to start with a decent am/pm routine. I feel like I'm constantly "on": chasing DS(10) around, and telling him that "ready for school" doesn't equal "sitting there with one sock on playing xbox"

I was made to do everything for them when I was with DT (Darling Twatface), as I was the woman and it was my job. I'm also scared that, if they're not perfectly dressed, fed, etc, it'll smack of "not coping"

The schools are both involved. I has to tell them a high level version of our history, because DS2 wouldn't go out to play, in case DT and his family were waiting to snatch him 😪

I suppose I've spent so much energy on making things perfect for them, that I've forgotten about myself

Well done 💐 well done 💐 well done

Progress already! 💐 Getting schools aware and furnishing home and establishing a routine.

We're here 🤗

You don’t have to be a perfect parent. I don’t have a DV history, I have a great job, a wonderful kid etc.. and sometimes we eat a cheese sandwich for tea in bed because I’m exhausted. DD thinks it’s great. Don’t try to be perfect. Get the basics down. Did you hug them and tell you love them today? Are they fed (healthy food lots of the time but I accept “fed” as my standard no matter what they ate)? Are they clean? Are they warm? Did they get a decent nights sleep? Did they get to school? (So I forgot her homework book this morning, not the end of the world!). Did you play / do something fun this weekend?

There’s lots of extra that I do and I’m sure you do but if only I meet the bare minimum on a bad day I’m ok with that.

For more help try local Facebook; community volunteers, community cupboard (food thing), people donating goods or help…. Ours is great!

I am in awe of your achievements and strength in removing you and your dc from abuse. Well done you! I hope today does help as you keep moving forward with purpose.

I’ve been in a similar situation to you this year so you have my sympathies. As others have said Facebook Marketplace and Freecycle are great. Also look to see if there are any grants you can apply for. There are some specifically for victims of DV. I also spoke to my council and they provided new beds and mattresses so worth looking into that too. All the best x

I get you. I left an abusive marriage. We have all had therapy but there are long-lasting effects , on the kids particularly, which makes me so sad. Struggling for money, moving house often, always sourcing free /second hand stuff, battling for child maintenance regularly.
Sometimes I am still low.
BUT.
I have no regrets about leaving.
Not a one.
I am so proud of myself that I managed it after a long marriage.

There is so much that I am free to do now that I could not before. I feel like I can breathe again. I can make my own decisions. I can suffer any consequences without him rubbing my nose in it, instead of being a supportive partner.

You will be surprised at what the determination to survive and provide for your kids can do. I'd suggest speaking to your doctor about some short-term medical support for anxiety/depression in the short term.

You council might have a scheme for helping with furniture. It might be worth asking.

You're doing great @OilyHomer, you've got this!

Be proud of yourself. You really are doing well.

Get yourself a little book and write down everything you’ve achieved. Start it with planning to leave/leaving, add finding drawers and a bed, cleaning and sorting cupboards, getting over a wobble (you’ll have plenty). Read it when you’re feeling like a failure and realise that you’re not and you’re a winner.

I know you want to keep your location secret but there are local groups that will post anonymously for you if you liaise with them. I've seen posts like this on local FB groups and honestly people are happy to donate odds and ends that they have and don't need. People's generosity is often astounding.

Who has voted YABU? Are they insane?

Well done, OP. You are string, you can do this. You have your dc's best interest at heart. YOu deserve every happiness. I hope your counsellking is soon.

I'd write out a nice visual timetable for your dc. Get them to help you:

7am get up
7:15 breakfast
7:30 TV
8am get dressed
8:15 leave for school

... that kind of thing. And give rewards for them sticking to it.

strong

Just want to say he what a brave person you are. You have removed your kids from danger even if they don't realise it yet.

You have took an emotional battering, but things will get better.

sending good wishes C

I voted that she was being unreasonable for thinking that she can’t cope, because she is doing amazingly well.

Haven’t RTFT, apologies, you are doing fantastically well OilyHomer

Well done 👍 for getting away. It may feel like walking through treacle but you will get onwards and upwards. You have done the best thing for your DCs.

OP you put your DC first and and that is good parenting. Your DC will look back and realise this in the future. Any resentment re lack of finances will be directed to the one responsible — the abuser.
It’s great that you’ve arranged therapy for them and that you’ve now felt enable to be pro-active.
Try to make a new circle of friends where you can share resources and childcare etc as in my experience this can be invaluable.
Good luck.

Right...

The FibroFucked has caught up with me after this morning (worth it though) so I plan to nap for an hour, then tidy at least one of the kitchen cupboards

You're not drowning. You're surfacing.

You sound exactly like my sister. It is so hard to get out of situations like this. She has been away from her arsehole of an ex for a year now, it has been so tough. There’s been some good advice on here. The only things I can add are:

1. If you can make it through a week, you can make it through 2 weeks. If you can make it through 2 weeks, you can make it through a month. Just take it a day at a time.
2. Women’s aid and refuge are angels.
3. Although your friends taking his side will hurt, try to remember your ex even had you fooled for a while, and you were way closer to him than they were! Unfortunately, abusive people have put far more years of practice into not being spotted than most people have put into spotting abusers, and as such, they’re very good at it. So don’t blame yourself, try if you can to not blame them, but definitely find better, more supportive friends who recognise your situation. There’s more of us than you think.

I wish you the absolute best of luck for you and your kids. What you are doing is incredibly strong, you should feel proud, never feel ashamed

By ‘them’ i mean your friends btw - blame the abuser all you like as it is solely their fault!

When my Dad walked out on my Mum, I was 13. We were made homeless, and ended up living with relatives until Mum got issued with a council house. We had barely any heat, little furniture but bit by bit over the next 2 to 3 years Mum made it a home for us.

It's some of my happiest childhood memories. We didn't have much, but we had each other.

Don't you dare beat yourself up for taking your DC and making you all safe. Material possessions are irrelevant in comparison. You're in shock, are going to take a long time to relax and let your guard down...... but you're safe. You did it. Hold in there, it can only get better

Easier said than done but do not let that shit and his family's voices back in, he spent years breaking you and your children down, this is part of a recovery process, it is not easy, there is a lot to work through, but these voices will slow you down, keep them out.

Well done for getting out of this and agreed 3 years is nothing.

My mum's best friend when we were kids left and divorced her abusive DH when her kids were small (a bit younger than yours) and then had to deal with not driving, being a nursery nurse and living in a housing association flat. My mum helped her a lot mostly with holidays, days out for the kids, coming over but we also went to hers a lot, she babysat and minded us for weekends. I can't recall how she got furniture as I think she brought it with her. There's a local Emmaus near where I live though and it's amazing, also a local BHF too.

I know other people who've left similar but have had more family support - the one thing I would say is what about therapy for you as well as the kids?

Anyway all the best and I hope things improve for you.