He was right- I feel like I'm drowning under it all

[OilyHomer]

I fled a DV relationship nearly three years ago. He and his family told me I wouldn't last the week. I've lasted longer than a week, but I now feel like I'm drowning. My DCs are in therapy for trauma, because of what they went through and saw. I'm on edge all the time because everything is a trigger either for me or for one of the DC

I feel sorry for my DC, and guilty. I've dragged them from a life they knew, to a life in which they're young carers, too skint to get them the furniture they need, and everything is chaotic

I'm sorry. I just needed to get it out

I feel this too. I moved between abusive relationships since I left home at 14. I completed the Freedom Programme recently, which really gave an insight into why I behaved like I did

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Three years is nothing. I'm now 4 years down the line from my alcoholic abusive husband being taken from the family home by the police and DDs and I are still dealing with the fallout. DD1 has worked through a lot in therapy and is much better, but DD2 hasn't been in a place to access therapy (though is now getting there). I still attend my support group and I need to - I'm only just beginning to realise that I have my own damage to recover from. As a parent, we tend to put our DCs' recovery before our own until that comes back to bite us.

Honestly, you're doing (to coin an awful phrase) as well as can be expected. Reaching out to MN for practical support is another big step forward.

I appreciate you said you are claiming everything you can - but does this include disability benefits? PIP for you and DLA for your kids? It might seem odd to suggest it but PTSD would qualify I would expect and if your kids are in counselling and have been for 3 years this is not a short term (6 months for DLA) thing. It is worth asking about. If you could get even something from that then you might be in a better place to fund counselling counselling yourself.

@LittleOwl153

I appreciate you said you are claiming everything you can - but does this include disability benefits? PIP for you and DLA for your kids? It might seem odd to suggest it but PTSD would qualify I would expect and if your kids are in counselling and have been for 3 years this is not a short term (6 months for DLA) thing. It is worth asking about. If you could get even something from that then you might be in a better place to fund counselling counselling yourself.

Yes, I claim PIP for myself. I'm blind, so I get it for that

If you are comfortable with giving an idea of where you are in country maybe we can direct you to local help too.

It took me almost as many years after the abuse as I had stayed in it to get truly better. The damage runs deep but the Good days will begin to outnumber the hard days more and more.

You will take time to heal but always know that you are on the way to recovering and at least no new abuse is being heaped upon you now. You have been strong and never doubt it was the right thing to do.

@wantmorenow

If you are comfortable with giving an idea of where you are in country maybe we can direct you to local help too.

It took me almost as many years after the abuse as I had stayed in it to get truly better. The damage runs deep but the Good days will begin to outnumber the hard days more and more.

You will take time to heal but always know that you are on the way to recovering and at least no new abuse is being heaped upon you now. You have been strong and never doubt it was the right thing to do.

I'm in the SW.

The local charity is going to help me with some drawers, and they'll deliver them too! I'm so glad I reached out!

I'm so sorry for those of you who have been in my position. You're all amazing for getting through it

You were put in a horrific situation which was not your fault (really, none of it) and it sounds like you've tried to do your best to get away from it and help your children heal. You've done your best. Well done. That's all you can do and it must have been so hard. Therapy will help them and they will be okay. Look after yourself, forgive yourself and get good/expensive therapy.

Sending a huge hug. I've been there.

@OilyHomer

I think I may have just found a charity which provides furniture! Feel like I've been given a massive kick up the butt now! I'll call then as soon as DS2 has left for school

Fuck this shit. Today is the day I start to get shit done

This is the spirit.

FB marketplace is also quite good.
we didnt have a car either but hired a man with a van and did a kind of "sweep" to pick up several things. I think the van was about 50GBP so still good value.

Also remember rome wasnt built in a day - you will get there eventually. small steps.... a cupboard tidied, and chest of drawrs organised. A little trip to the park when the sun is out.

When we were decorating I tried to tackle one room at a time - if you take a look at dunelm/matalan/wilko + freecycle etc you can redo rooms fairly cheaply.

Op have you had any therapy? I found that intensive therapy reallyhelped me to pick everything after fleeing a DV situation. I cope much better since then.

We have a really good second hand furniture shop near by that deliver. It’s so cheap... we also have an expensive one, so do keep up the googling not just to the first one!

You are honestly doing so so well. You and the kids. Moving area is hard going anyway, let alone when it’s not been your choice, you can’t keep contact with others AND with all the other shit that’s gone before.

Keep on going. Like Dory says, just keep swimming! Baby steps, for all of you. It will get better.

One day you’ll breathe again

I agree with the PP who said that lots of churches have furniture and other practical support for families in need. Sometimes they have volunteer drivers who can help elderly people and those like yourself OP who don’t drive because of disability.

Contrary to what people think, you don’t have to be religious to get help. 99% of churches are there to help the community and not just their members.

Also contact any charities for people who have visual impairments. They might know of grants of other sources of funds. It’s worth a phone call / email to check .

I know it’s not nice to have to ask for help but you are doing it for your childrens sakes.

Thank you so much for giving my butt a kick today!

I think I'd like to keep this thread going, as someplace to let rip 🤣

Today is the day I stop existing, and start living

So, first world problem number 845...

Can anyone give me inspiration for sorting out a cluttered kitchen?

It's tiny. I have three normal cupboards, one (!) Half sized counter, and I'm not sure where I could really put any shelves.

@I0NA

I agree with the PP who said that lots of churches have furniture and other practical support for families in need. Sometimes they have volunteer drivers who can help elderly people and those like yourself OP who don’t drive because of disability.

Contrary to what people think, you don’t have to be religious to get help. 99% of churches are there to help the community and not just their members.

Also contact any charities for people who have visual impairments. They might know of grants of other sources of funds. It’s worth a phone call / email to check .

I know it’s not nice to have to ask for help but you are doing it for your childrens sakes.

I never thought of seeking out volunteer drivers etc! I spend a fortune in taxis every month, to get to appointments etc.

It must have taken a great deal of strength to get away from that situation - don't underestimate that.

Regarding Freecycle (and Olio, which is another similar resource I recommend) don't be afraid to ask the person donating the item if they would consider helping you with transportation.

I give away quite a lot via both sites and there have been a few times when I've arranged to drop off the item at a person's house when I was going to be passing anyway. It has been v little trouble for me, it gets the item out of my house and I am fully aware that people who rely on Freecycle etc won't always have access to a car.

A simple, v polite request for help with transportation will go down well with people I'm sure. Some (perhaps most) will say no or will not reply, but don't let that bother you. The only thing you will have lost is the time it takes to write the message. If you don't ask, you don't get!

Really best of luck.

Also when you are speaking to the charity who give the furniture, ask if they know of any other sources of help. In areas like the south west, many local charities are connected informally to others and they know what’s available.

You don’t have to tell them everything ( if you don’t want to ) , just say you are a single mum on benefits because you have a disability and that you had to move areas because of family breakdown so you have no local support.

They are not daft and will read between the lines without you having to say about the abuse - it’s pretty tough to have to say it to a stranger done the phone, I get that.

Theres probably a group that helps children who area young carers too.

I volunteer for a charity that helps a different client group from you and we know ALL the other charities that work with our clients in our big city. We can phone up another charity and say

“ we have a family in X situation who really need Y and Z “ and they will get in touch and help.

Local knowledge really helps.

First of all - high fives on getting out.

Second - take a look at TooGoodToGo. It’s where shops and cafes donate food that’s just about to go past it’s best before date. I’ve picked up bagfuls of cakes etc… for £3 and apparently morrisons are very good on it.

You are doing so well at the minute getting your self organised well done to you,look up St Vincents de Paul charity shops you may have one locally if you are in SW.They have outreach workers who will help you with furnishings even down to clean fresh bedding.speak to them they may be able to help they also have ways of offering you holidays in their caravans for you and your children when things are more settled for you all.Please do not be embarrassed talking to Charities about your circumstances they are here to help you and help you they will.Good luck you are doing so well and you are so brave x

Glad you're having a good day. Kitchen cupboards generally come with only one shelf in, I had someone cut some whiteboard up to add in a third shelf to each of mine. Helps massively with storage.

Also I keep extras like new cereals, bulk kitchen roll, etc in my garage or in coat cupboard until they're needed.

Local facebook groups are great for support. Also any group of likeminded people so,perhaps worth joining a hobby group. What do you like doing or did do before kids and life got so complicated?

I bet he did

Well he is the fool

You sound like you have done amazing

I fled four years ago
Was doing ok

Had baby recently and it brought everything back to me
Re living it again

Just so happy we are safe and FREE

Stay strong
And believe in yourself xxxxx

Thank you!

I've just priced up a bulky waste collection with the council too. I'm so happy- I WILL have my Little Paradise!

@OilyHomer

It sounds crazy, but I stayed FOR the kids. I had a fucked up upbringing, and I wanted a stable family for them. I wanted to give them everything I didn't have

Yes

Many of us do this

Fear of how it could harm them

@Queenie6655

I bet he did

Well he is the fool

You sound like you have done amazing

I fled four years ago
Was doing ok

Had baby recently and it brought everything back to me
Re living it again

Just so happy we are safe and FREE

Stay strong
And believe in yourself xxxxx

Flashbacks are horrible. If you ever need an ear, I'm here.

Thank you

Likewise

This forum is a great place for support also

@Queenie6655

Thank you

Likewise

This forum is a great place for support also

I agree. I've been here for years, under a different UN. I sometimes catch sight of my previous posts, banging on about how amazing "D"H was, and all that time, I was being abused