I don't want to people think i’m show off. Please help!!

[NRRK28]

In 4 weeks my son gonna have a birthday party. He is 6 years old and we gonna have it in the softplay arena. I’ve been living in the uk for 8 years and not have many uk friends. Most of my friends are from indonesia which where i came from.

My culture is very different from here. Little bit about me so you can understand why i’m confused. I’ve been living in england for 8 years and i’m from indonesia. Me and dh have good career and have a good life here. In Indonesia we love big party. Big very grand party. When i was in indonesia i invited 200 guests for my son first birthday and in there it was normal.

So in 4 weeks i’m doing a birthday party for my son in softplay arena. Because i used to have big party so i just do what i usually do without thinking twice. Until one of my friend who is a school mum said i’m too much and people can be mistaken i try to show off. To be honest i dont even realise about it. I dont have any means to showing off.

I wanna ask what do you think about it. Do i look like i’m showing off??

1. I designed the birthday invitation and thank you card myself and print it out with proper card paper. Every invitation got different kids name on it.

1. I do a balloon gate, ballon arch for the decorations and also big theme backdrop on the birthday.

1. For the birthday bag fillers. I give personalised stickers, tattoo, book, bubble, playdoh, candies, chocolate, crisps. And also the bag itself personalised with my son initial on it.

Do you think i’m too much???. Also last week my son invited to his friend birthday party. I bought smiggle bag cost me £35 for present and my friend tell me i’m too much. To be honest i dont mind to spend that much. This is the same friend who tell me i’m too much. She keeps saying it all the time and makes me wonder am i too much??. I dont want people think i’m showing off especially the parents in school.

Thank you

You sound lovely and your party will be great. I'd like to think that your son's classmates' parents will see the fun you've had organising it and if they even reflect on it being in any way 'unusual' at all, it'll be with an appreciation of cultural difference.

I've taught children from Filipino families over the years and I recognise the enthusiasm for celebration and generosity that comes with it: one mum would cook a huge spread of Filipino food for the staffroom for each of her children's birthdays every year -kind and generous, for sure, but 'trying too hard'? Her time is hers to do as she pleases with.H
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uroriend sounds like a bit of a mood-hoover, and I wonder to what extent she really is trying to protect you from others' prescription of 'too-muchness' or is just being a wet blanket.

I've been to some parties where the parents' 'ironic' vibe has been weird: "Yeah, AirHop, I know, yawn, let's just get the cake over with and get out of here..." with no sign of even trying to get on board with an actual feeling of celebration.

I love that you've put so much effort I to your son's party. It sounds like the kids will have so much fun. The 'friend' however is probably just jealous that she can't afford such a lovely celebration. Don't take her comments personally.

Broadly in agreement with most people - have the party you want but limit the amount spent on presents. If a child invites all 30 from their class and they spent £30 - £35 each on the present then the kid is getting over £900 worth of presents just from their school friends, which is way too much for a 6-year-old with family presents on top of that. I'd usually ask if there was anything that the birthday child wanted in particular (lego/hotwheels/whatever) and get them something like that or something to make.

Also bear in mind that some of your guest may drop out at the last moment or not show up at all, which can be annoying if you're paying per child. We tried to do activities where the numbers could be flexible. Also make it clear whether you're welcoming siblings to join the party. Maybe have some spare party bags? For that reason I'd avoid too much personalised stuff.

@BluebellsGreenbells

The issue isn’t showing off, it’s just parents can’t afford to replicate or reciprocate the party - so they feel embarrassed to offer 3 kids a trip to the soon and a bag of chips.

If you don’t have many friends how will you get the big numbers for such a party?

If it’s 10 friends then they don’t need huge balloon arches, they wouldn’t notice it.

They just want to let off steam and have fun.

@BluebellsGreenbells - definitely this.

Unless you're in a very wealthy area where all or most parents do this then it does come off a bit as showing off and the lavish gift is too much as most parents can't afford that.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Balloon arches are not ‘fab’. They use helium, a very limited resource. Soon there will be none left for scans. Goodbye diagnostics for cancer and so forth. We will be set back a century. Plus the arches are terrible for the environment.

@Mummyoflittledragon - agreed - in fact most balloon arches or things with balloons unless they're eco friendly ones will mean the balloons go straight into landfill/oceans - oceans where sea life will mistake them for food etc.

Op, this sounds absolutely fine. I think it will be very nice for the children. I have been to many parties like this, it’s pretty normal for the parties we attend.

I really wouldn’t worry, the only reason I can think of that anybody would have a negative opinion on it is they don’t do parties as large for whatever reason and feel a-bit inferior and feel they need to put in the same effort/cost, I call it party wars. It’s rife in my child’s school but honestly, I’m just happy my child gets to go somewhere fun for a couple of hours.

Enjoy yourself!

DD went to a mega party a few months ago. One or two parents felt it was over the top but the vast majority of parents just thought it was absolutely lovely that these kids who haven't been to many parties due to Covid were having an absolute ball.

I'm skint and my own DD's party will be very simple in comparison but I felt no negativity about the big party all.

Just as a pointer, maybe look on forums, buy a book on parties and then go from there.

Yes, you can buy printed party invitations at supermarkets - most people do that.

There are party shops where you can buy a lot of what you need from there (or Wilkinsons etc).

Something I had when I was younger was a friend of the family who worked at a college and could get flashing disco lights (we had traffic light ones and another set of flashing lights) and he had a record player DJ set and tape deck and was the DJ - you could hire a mobile disco. My mum also used to do puppet shows at weekends with me or brother (she had Punch and Judy and other puppets) - it was amazing how much she'd get in posh areas with huge gardens for a puppet show! This was in 70s/80s. But you can do loads of things dependant on what the kids like.

Ah! Welcome to the UK. Here we have a culture of jealousy, envy and being passive-aggressive. Know that anything you do that some people can't/won't do will be seen as a show-off, pretentious, posh, try hard, etc.

All you need is to learn to either brush it off and do what you want with no ill intentions or play along and become as subservient, outwardly polite and people-pleasing as possible.

Welcome.

At the end of the day kids birthday parties are for the kids to enjoy and what you have put sounds like something kids would love! I agree with pp saying its because other parents are unable to reciprocate but I wouldn't let this stop you planning a fun days for your ds and his friends

It would look a bit OTT in Britain but I think most people would realise that it's probably different in Indonesia.

One of the rules of being British
Don't care what other people think

Ignore anyone that says it's too try hard. I think it's absolutely lovely that you put such an effort in and it's your choice what you do

Balloon arch is fine to add decoration if you're hiring a bland village hall but you probably don't need it if you're hiring a soft play centre

The kids will be too busy running riot to care about balloons

Way too over the top.

You send shop bought invitations and you give a party bag at the end. You just invite the class and that's pretty much it

I love making all the bits of my childrens parties - invitations, banners, games, food decorations, party bags (I once made fortnite balloon drop crates). It's just an excuse to do crafting! Carry on and enjoy your party x

I think you sound very lovely! My girls would have lived to have been invited to one of your parties when they were small.

I would maybe scale down a bit on the gifts though. We tend to say £10 maximum otherwise the receiver feels they need to spend the same when it's your DCs birthday and maybe can't afford to match.

You aren't over the top. This is very outing, so I'll have to name change but we held my dd's 6th birthday at a National Trust stately home. We dressed her as Cinderella (it was a fancy dress party) and she arrived on a horse and carriage (which was actually a well timed local guy providing a shuttle service). No one rolled their eyes, everyone had fun, parents and children all had plenty to eat and we weren't accused of being too much.

@ItsAlwaysThere

It's the "Janteloven" in practice! They get them young!!
www.in-formality.com/wiki/index.php?title=Janteloven_(Denmark,_Norway_and_Sweden)

I think you sound lovely, I don't think I'd have the time or money to do all that but I certainly wouldn't think someone was 'trying too hard' if they did do it - I'd probably briefly think 'wow what a great party, the kids will all love this' then I'd think no more of it.

Regarding the £35 smiggle bag as a gift - again, I wouldn't be able to afford to spend that much on a party gift for a school friend. But if you wanted to buy that and could afford it then why not? If my son received that as a gift I'd think it was lovely, I'd be hugely grateful and would make sure both me and my son said thank you.

Aw, you're not showing off - you just want to give your child a great party!

Your "friend" is extremely rude to call you a show off.

I used to worry about crap like this when I was younger - nowadays I don't give a stuff - I do what I want and spend what I want and if it bothers others, tough shit!

I think you sound lovely and sweet, the world can do with people like you. Just continue doing what youre doing, I wouldnt cosider you showing off i went to a party of yours, I also would assume its your culture.

Your 'friend' is unkind. You enjoy yourself providing for your son. Your party sounds awesome op