I don't want to people think i’m show off. Please help!!

[NRRK28]

In 4 weeks my son gonna have a birthday party. He is 6 years old and we gonna have it in the softplay arena. I’ve been living in the uk for 8 years and not have many uk friends. Most of my friends are from indonesia which where i came from.

My culture is very different from here. Little bit about me so you can understand why i’m confused. I’ve been living in england for 8 years and i’m from indonesia. Me and dh have good career and have a good life here. In Indonesia we love big party. Big very grand party. When i was in indonesia i invited 200 guests for my son first birthday and in there it was normal.

So in 4 weeks i’m doing a birthday party for my son in softplay arena. Because i used to have big party so i just do what i usually do without thinking twice. Until one of my friend who is a school mum said i’m too much and people can be mistaken i try to show off. To be honest i dont even realise about it. I dont have any means to showing off.

I wanna ask what do you think about it. Do i look like i’m showing off??

1. I designed the birthday invitation and thank you card myself and print it out with proper card paper. Every invitation got different kids name on it.

1. I do a balloon gate, ballon arch for the decorations and also big theme backdrop on the birthday.

1. For the birthday bag fillers. I give personalised stickers, tattoo, book, bubble, playdoh, candies, chocolate, crisps. And also the bag itself personalised with my son initial on it.

Do you think i’m too much???. Also last week my son invited to his friend birthday party. I bought smiggle bag cost me £35 for present and my friend tell me i’m too much. To be honest i dont mind to spend that much. This is the same friend who tell me i’m too much. She keeps saying it all the time and makes me wonder am i too much??. I dont want people think i’m showing off especially the parents in school.

Thank you

I think it sounds great!

Is your friend English? It might just be that very British thing of saying something is “too much” as a type of complement. “No no, you shouldn’t have. It’s too much!” said with a smile, means they appreciate your generosity. It’s implying by exaggeration that you have been so generous that you are off the scale, too generous.

YNBU. If you can afford it and not going into debt then you do you. But look around and see what are the circumstances of the kids in your son's friend group? You only have one child and two incomes so probably can afford to pay for all this but there will be many kids who come for low income families, have siblings or one earning parent and might feel bad when they see all that fuss on your son's birthday. Is it worth making other children feel inferior for things that are beyond their control?

What would be more fun for your kid is some sort of activity with his friends with pizza and cake. Just take them bowling. They will all have fun and create good memories from the experience.

Awww thank you for all your comment. Yes my friend said i’m trying too hard. But I am not to be honest. It just me. I like parties 🤣🤣. I’m confused with the terms trying too hard. Trying too hard for what??. Because i don't have anything to approve anyway. On the other hand, i want to be able to more blend in with british people which often find too hard especially with things like this.

All the guests i invite is my son classmates. they will bring their parents aswell. I dont know their parents. I only met them when school drop off. Thats why i really dont want them to think i’m showing off or try too hard. I dont want my guests to feel uncomfortable because this gonna be the first time we have gathering together.

Your child, your child's party, you do what you want and enjoy! It would be nice to add a bit of your own culture in too, it shouldn't be lost just because you're living here. Have a wonderful time! Oh and tell your friend that just because she has an opinion, doesn't mean that she has to share it with you 😉

Also, for presents. I have a rule that it should not be more than £10-15. £35 is a bit expensive. Some people will feel obliged to give a gift back of equal value and it might put a strain on their finances or it might be a gift that is not really needed. And to consider that it is only one child. Will you be buying this kind of expensive presents for all the children whose birthdays you son will be invited to?

Sometimes it's best to ask your kids what their friend is into and get something simpler. I mostly stock up on presents in argos 2 for £15 toys with the things I know kids are into. Saves money and most of the times parents appreciate the gifts as it kept their children occupied for a couple of hours.

I agree with PPs - £35 for a Smiggle present was awkward because the child's parent won't want to spend that on a return gift. £5 or maybe £10 is more usual in my experience - especially for younger children as they may go to whole class parties every year so 30+ presents to buy.

But for your own child's party itself, of course do whatever you like. If you do feel a bit awkward, you can always say to a few parents as they arrive - "I do love hosting big parties, it reminds me of when I was small back in Indonesia" or something similar. Just to remind them it's your cultural heritage not you being a show off....?

But as many PPs have said, lots of UK parents would do the same here if they can afford it - there is no set 'rule' for parties. I hope your DS has an amazing day!

If you invited 200 kids to a party, or even 20 kids, would you be expecting 200 (or 20) presents? The amount of unnecessary 'stuff' you'd end up with is quite mind-boggling.
And yes, I freely admit I do have a bit of a problem with toomuchstuff . With excessive consumerism in general, tbh.

I always felt incredibly uncomfortable when people bought my kids expensive party presents. I wanted the kids to have lots of fun without a massive pile of plastic at the end of the day.

Also, fancy presents drive a weird competitive-parenting thing where other parents either feel obliged to spend as much as someone did on the most expensive present at the last party, or guilty that they can't match it.

Can I come to the party?!! It sounds like you've spent ages planning it.

The British thing of disapproving of anyone seen to be "trying too hard" is a bit like people wondering, why the balloon arch, is their child comparable to a bride at a wedding? It can seem a bit like parading your child around with the sense he is superior. This massively wrankles average parents who pray they can just get through their kids pizza party or bouncy castle party without a trip to A&E.

Most people I know would tend to think balloon arches a no, no, tacky and a bit cringe. Obvs a huge eco, wildlife no, no which others don't want associated with.

Spend £10-20 on gift or you are setting a precedent.

I'd ditch the bags with your child's initial on it, if it's the canvas type then put the invitees initials on it. OK if it's paper bags but otherwise why would a kid want a bag with someone else's initial on? Just trying to point out why you might be getting this feedback. It's about making friends, being relaxed, your son enjoying the day with friends. Not micromanaging an event.

100% what @musicalfrog said. All the rest is fine but I would definitely ditch the balloon arch. Totally unnecessary, very dated and awful for the environment.

You sound lovely OP.

@thetutor don't spam. Plus don't be silly, you just put your personal details on a public forum. If you are gonna do that atleast use an alias instead of using your real name. Btw, are you pakistani?

Sounds great to me! Admittedly I'm not British but I lived there for many years and having been to many a British birthday that doesn't seem abnormal to me at all. The only thing that stands out is the smiggle bag, English people IME are very em... frugal tight when it comes to gifts. Most probably put a fiver in a card. Many only give like £20 for weddings which shocked me! But I say go for it and hopefully you'll set a trend and make them take their hands out of their pockets

@sweetbutapshyco just reported it for their own sakes. Not sure I would want someone tutoring my kid who was so daft as to post all that info anyway.

@sweetbutapshyco to answer your questions. Is yes. I usually bought more than £30 for gifts for everyone. Not because i’m trying too much but because i just bought what i usually bought. I know what you mean now. I definitely gonna buy less expensive gifts from now on. Thank you

Can I come to one of your parties? You sound great. Some people are just miserable.

I think you sound like a lovely fun person.

Sounds fun. Do things your way for your party. The gifts for others birthdays are more delicate. Between £5 and £10 is better if you don’t want to worry the other parents because they will feel obliged to give to the same scale or embarrassed they can’t, so tread carefully.

You sound like a lovely mum and a kind person. Don’t let the haters get you down.

You’re giving your son a lovely party and putting effort in. How can you be criticised for that? Anyone who’s offended by you making effort for your son’s birthday isn’t worth bothering about.

Honestly if the worst insult someone can give is that you’re ‘trying too hard’ I’d actually take that as a compliment. I’d rather try too hard than short sell yourself so as not to offend someone by having a nice party.

Yes, some British people will think it's too much. It's not what we would expect for a child's birthday party.

However, I don't think that should stop you. I'm originally from UK but have been an immigrant in various places my whole adult life, and I've found that you can learn so much from friends who do things differently to you. You just need to reserve judgement and take things as they come.

I have been to parties that I thought were very over the top - usually thrown by American or Chinese friends, but I know there are a lot of other cultures that throw huge parties. You know what? They were great! We had fun. It's not a party I would ever throw myself, but I had no issues attending and I didn't judge the hosts.

As long as what you do isn't considered rude or offensive to the locals in your new home, I really wouldn't worry about it too much.

If you plan to stay in the UK long term then your child will start to be a good guide for stuff like this. I'm sure if you do something the 'wrong" way they will pipe up and let you know about it

£35 is a lot for a child you don't know well... I used to do a box of maltesers or cheap activity pack and 5 or £10 in a card.

Someone telling you you’re trying to hard just translates to “I’m jealous and would struggle to be as fabulous as you are and it’s making me feel inferior”. It’s her problem not yours!

Do what you want to do. The kids will love it. Have a brilliant time and don’t worry about what other people think. If anyone says anything nasty it will just be jealousy anyway

£35 is way too much to spend on a child. I would say to spend £5 -£10.

Its lovely to be able to have a huge party, because as you said, it is quite normal to do so in your home country, and it's not showing off at all. I think lots of people will love the experience of being at your style of a colourful party. Don't you worry about what some people might think, its your own personal style.