I don't want to people think i’m show off. Please help!!

[NRRK28]

In 4 weeks my son gonna have a birthday party. He is 6 years old and we gonna have it in the softplay arena. I’ve been living in the uk for 8 years and not have many uk friends. Most of my friends are from indonesia which where i came from.

My culture is very different from here. Little bit about me so you can understand why i’m confused. I’ve been living in england for 8 years and i’m from indonesia. Me and dh have good career and have a good life here. In Indonesia we love big party. Big very grand party. When i was in indonesia i invited 200 guests for my son first birthday and in there it was normal.

So in 4 weeks i’m doing a birthday party for my son in softplay arena. Because i used to have big party so i just do what i usually do without thinking twice. Until one of my friend who is a school mum said i’m too much and people can be mistaken i try to show off. To be honest i dont even realise about it. I dont have any means to showing off.

I wanna ask what do you think about it. Do i look like i’m showing off??

1. I designed the birthday invitation and thank you card myself and print it out with proper card paper. Every invitation got different kids name on it.

1. I do a balloon gate, ballon arch for the decorations and also big theme backdrop on the birthday.

1. For the birthday bag fillers. I give personalised stickers, tattoo, book, bubble, playdoh, candies, chocolate, crisps. And also the bag itself personalised with my son initial on it.

Do you think i’m too much???. Also last week my son invited to his friend birthday party. I bought smiggle bag cost me £35 for present and my friend tell me i’m too much. To be honest i dont mind to spend that much. This is the same friend who tell me i’m too much. She keeps saying it all the time and makes me wonder am i too much??. I dont want people think i’m showing off especially the parents in school.

Thank you

If you were my friend, I'd just assume this was a pary of your culture and not think anything of it. I'm sure your son and the kids will have a wonderful time! Go for it.

You do you! I wouldn’t think ‘this is too much’, I’d just be grateful you were throwing a nice party and my child enjoyed it!

Your friend sounds like a miserable git and you sound really fun :)

A couple of English women I knew once attended a very 'too much' Nigerian family party once. Their jaws were on the floor for about a week afterwards. Those that don't come from a big family/big social group/big party kind of lifestyle might find it a bit much, but the polite thing to do is go with it and enjoy yourself, not try and drag you down to jam sandwiches in the back garden.

Honestly your friend sounds like she gets off on trying to bring you down. Inviting the class and homemade invites are entirely normal.

@speakout

I like communities where we keep the bar low.

I would feel sorry for ant child having a party a few weeks later and has a small tea party for 6 in the house , feeling disappointed that somehow their birthday is not so important.
I am not a fan of excess in amy form, and it concerns me about all the plastic that will end up floating about in the oceans.
Stuff for the sake of it makes me cringe.

But your party, your decisions, your money- your call.
You are also setting the bar high for your own son- what happens when he is 12 or 16?

I don't think 6 year olds really think like that: "Billy got a balloon arch but I didn't therefore I am less important". They just think "oh balloons, yay!", and then at the next low-key party they'll just move on to thinking "pass the parcel, yay!" it's adults who overthink these things and turn it into a reason to be judgmental. I'm sure all the kids invited will have an amazing time, even if certain miserable parents manage to find reasons to criticise and compare.

Why's everyone wobbling on about balloon arches and helium? They don't have helium in them

It's more than I'd do, but it sounds lovely! If my toddler were invited to a party like that, I'd just think something like, "Wow, she's put a lot of effort in!" But in a good way, if that makes sense.

No sounds like a lovely party and I've been to plenty that have all those sorts of things. The party bag sounds a bit much next year just do half the amount but we'd love to receive it. The present, stop doing that, it's generally considered a party gift of value up to £15 max. The problem is by doing this it makes other parents who may not be able to afford it feel like they have to reciprocate.

@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil

Why's everyone wobbling on about balloon arches and helium? They don't have helium in them

Because it's all single use plastic. And the upright balloon displays etc still will need helium.

@toddlerdanger I used to buy couple of helium balloons for my DC's birthdays but stopped doing so couple of years ago. They faff with them for five minutes and the balloons were forgotten.

You got for it OP. It's normal in my culture to make an effort and there is no concept of trying too hard either.

*and then the balloons were forgotten

Come to Ireland - apart from how much you spend on presents (our classes have a 5-10Euro limit), balloon arches, decent party bags, and parties in softplay or whereever are completely normal :)

But as others say - it's not exactly that they think you're showing off (unless they're very mean people), it's that they feel embarrassed about how much effort you've put in and money you've spent compared to what they're used to.

I think you sound lovely and thoughtful. I agree that the balloon arch is a horrible idea and the party bags have too much stuff in them. It might make the next person having a party feel they have to match it. Maybe take out a couple of the plastic-y items. Everything else sounds great. Have a lovely time. There’ll always be people with negative opinions about anything but your child will love it no matter what!

I don’t think your party sounds too over the top. Definitely on the more extravagant side, but not shockingly so.

Anyway, even if you decided to have a huge party with circus performers and an ice cream van, I’d just be happy the kids were having a nice time!

I’d maybe guess that their was a cultural difference between British and Indonesian party etiquette… but what’s wrong with that? My favourite part of being British is the opportunity to mix with people from different cultures. Have your fantastic party and enjoy it .

@Summerfun54321

Someone telling you you’re trying to hard just translates to “I’m jealous and would struggle to be as fabulous as you are and it’s making me feel inferior”. It’s her problem not yours!

Or she's an upfront person who has the OPs best interests at heart and is willing to actually say the hard thing rather than bitch behind the OPs back and/or tell her how fabulous it all is. We don't know anything near enough about the friend to cast those sort of aspersions on her!

I think you sound great and you should absolutely do the party your way. I totally disagree with a lot of comments here. Trying too hard is nonsense. I’ve been to a lot of childrens parties. One that stands out is over 12 years ago now. A lovely Filipino family had a party for their 3 year old. It was incredible. They hired a restaurant, packed with guests, incredible generosity and I felt so honoured and grateful to be made such a part of it. Brilliant party and I think you should go all out for your party too. It’s lovely and generous. (I’m Australian and I also know how to throw a party. I’m not wealthy but there’s always an abundance of food and lovely going home gifts.

We are going to the party of an extremely wealthy family on Saturday. Having been to theirs last year I will know that I need to feed the children before they go.

It’s about generosity of spirit I feel. And a party is the way to show this. Do not be swayed from your plans!

Also balloon arches are pretty normal in my experience. I’m not sure why everyone is honing in on them.

They absolutely don’t need helium and biodegradable balloons are really easy to come by.

@Changednamesorry

She's a jealous bitch and you sound fabulous

Well you don't. Misogynist language never a good look

This sounds pretty standard to me. Soft play with party bags is a go to. Not something I would throw because soft play is my idea of hell abs I’m cheap so throw parties at home with games etc but this sounds totally normal.

In fact tbh, it sounds a bit lower end, balloon arches and soft play and personalised stuff to me is a bit tacky.

I would feel nothing but thankful and how lovely you are if my son was invited to your child's party. It doesn't matter what other people think.

omg OP.

Please do NOT dull your shine because a kill joy fun sponge is trying to tell you its 'too much'

you are NOT 'too much' you're you, and that's amazing, stay you. You do not need to change yourself to fit some boring middle class standard. Personally, were you my friend i would absolutely be supporting you in everything you've suggested for that party because it sounds so much fun, the kids will be in heaven.

Anyone who thinks you're trying too hard, or a 'too much' needs to get over themselves.

Op you sound great fun, put the party on that you want to. If it is your culture to celebrate with a huge party go for it. Where abouts are you I would love an invite

If people cba to figure out cultural differences then that’s on them.

My kids grew up in a very multicultural area. Parties ranged from massive family and friends gatherings, to day drinking in the garden, to the more conventional round a house or to a soft play.

Gifts varied too, plastic tat, some lovely thoughtful stuff, some of the parents cash was obviously their cultural gift.

£35 for a present would stress me a little as I’d feel I’d have to match like for like, then worry we’d get into that as the norm. However I have given slightly more expensive gifts as I’m savvy with sales, so it probably wouldn’t bother me over much. If there’s a lot of parties though it will rack up so unless you’re loaded best to find something budget friendly.

Honestly carry on. People will appreciate it, and like I said, it’s them, not you if they don’t.

This sounds very normal for round where I live and we do exactly the same for our DC - we're British.

Agree that the only thing that sounds off is the £30 plus presents. I tend to stick around £10 - £15 at a young age. Fair enough when your DC has a small close set of friends.

I think you sound brilliant! If anyone sniffs at it, you proudly tell them that’s how you do it in your culture. (I would personally want to hear all about it!)

Spend a bit less money and on gifts for other kids though, try to match the budget of the other mums.

@sweetbutapshyco

Also, for presents. I have a rule that it should not be more than £10-15. £35 is a bit expensive. Some people will feel obliged to give a gift back of equal value and it might put a strain on their finances or it might be a gift that is not really needed. And to consider that it is only one child. Will you be buying this kind of expensive presents for all the children whose birthdays you son will be invited to?

Sometimes it's best to ask your kids what their friend is into and get something simpler. I mostly stock up on presents in argos 2 for £15 toys with the things I know kids are into. Saves money and most of the times parents appreciate the gifts as it kept their children occupied for a couple of hours.

Some of my DS's friends' mums didn't get the memo about not spending more than £15, and we can't afford anything nearly as expensive. It always makes me feel guilty that I haven't spent as much.