I don't want to people think i’m show off. Please help!!

[NRRK28]

In 4 weeks my son gonna have a birthday party. He is 6 years old and we gonna have it in the softplay arena. I’ve been living in the uk for 8 years and not have many uk friends. Most of my friends are from indonesia which where i came from.

My culture is very different from here. Little bit about me so you can understand why i’m confused. I’ve been living in england for 8 years and i’m from indonesia. Me and dh have good career and have a good life here. In Indonesia we love big party. Big very grand party. When i was in indonesia i invited 200 guests for my son first birthday and in there it was normal.

So in 4 weeks i’m doing a birthday party for my son in softplay arena. Because i used to have big party so i just do what i usually do without thinking twice. Until one of my friend who is a school mum said i’m too much and people can be mistaken i try to show off. To be honest i dont even realise about it. I dont have any means to showing off.

I wanna ask what do you think about it. Do i look like i’m showing off??

1. I designed the birthday invitation and thank you card myself and print it out with proper card paper. Every invitation got different kids name on it.

1. I do a balloon gate, ballon arch for the decorations and also big theme backdrop on the birthday.

1. For the birthday bag fillers. I give personalised stickers, tattoo, book, bubble, playdoh, candies, chocolate, crisps. And also the bag itself personalised with my son initial on it.

Do you think i’m too much???. Also last week my son invited to his friend birthday party. I bought smiggle bag cost me £35 for present and my friend tell me i’m too much. To be honest i dont mind to spend that much. This is the same friend who tell me i’m too much. She keeps saying it all the time and makes me wonder am i too much??. I dont want people think i’m showing off especially the parents in school.

Thank you

Nothing wrong with inviting child's whole class to party and having an entertainer. I had a person who made balloon animals at child's party. Goody bags sound thoughtful.

@sweetbutapshyco

YNBU. If you can afford it and not going into debt then you do you. But look around and see what are the circumstances of the kids in your son's friend group? You only have one child and two incomes so probably can afford to pay for all this but there will be many kids who come for low income families, have siblings or one earning parent and might feel bad when they see all that fuss on your son's birthday. Is it worth making other children feel inferior for things that are beyond their control?

What would be more fun for your kid is some sort of activity with his friends with pizza and cake. Just take them bowling. They will all have fun and create good memories from the experience.

Her son is 6. My dd is also 6 in a couple of months snd I’m having a huge party too. 2 lockdown birthdays and we deserve a special party, sorry if others can’t/won’t do that for their children but there’s no way I’m not giving my child everything I can.

@GrandDuchessRomanov

100% what *@musicalfrog* said. All the rest is fine but I would definitely ditch the balloon arch. Totally unnecessary, very dated and awful for the environment.

You sound lovely OP.

How are they dated?? Hugely popular and I think they’re fab.

Balloon arches are not ‘fab’. They use helium, a very limited resource. Soon there will be none left for scans. Goodbye diagnostics for cancer and so forth. We will be set back a century. Plus the arches are terrible for the environment.

It sounds lovely.
Just be you, you've organized this party for everyone to enjoy, not show off.
Your kindness and generosity shines.

I live in Sydney and a lot of the Chinese parents here do massive fancy celebrations for birthdays. I have to say, being British, the first time I thought “wow this is SO try hard and over the top” but I’ve got used to it now and just accept that it’s a cultural difference that I didn’t know about before and crack on and enjoy it!

Do not do the balloons - the kids will not be bothered about it and they are not good for the environment.

Future presents - you only really need to spend £10. Your intentions are good but it makes the parents feel bad that they don’t spend as much.

Sounds like a great party! I’d leave out the balloon arch (the kids won’t notice it and it’s bad for the environment) but otherwise sounds fab!
I agree with PP on present value… £10-15 is plenty, but I see you’ve noted that already.
Happy birthday to your DS!

Personally I would just enjoy it and take it at face value.

I've lived in a scandi country where EVERYONE had to do the same party and spend the same amount of money. It was bizarre how strict this was! All the parties followed the same (modest) pattern and order of events. And all the parents agreed in advance how much would be spent on the presents. We made the mistake one year of getting a cake made rather than homemade chocolate cake. I got quite a bit of disapproval for that and was told (quite pointedly) by one parent that we had 'raised the bar'.

I think the UK is a bit more laidback about this stuff and your party sounds a lot of fun. Agree that I'd ditch the balloons.

Sounds great op but the £35 on a gift IS too much because the parent will be obliged to reciprocate. Limit that a bit - £10 is enough.

I think you can do whatever you like and your friend doesn't sound very nice.

I think £35 for a close friend's child is ok but more than the usual spend on a child.

There is clearly a cultural difference and some won't understand so they may think you are showing off or they may be worried about reciprocating with gifts but you should do what you are comfortable with.

Also wondering who you are inviting.

Your friend sounds like she has a jealous streak and is trying to play it off as everyone else having the issue.

It’s your money, your child and your culture. If you want to have a lovely big grand party for your son, you absolutely can. People would have an opinion if it was a party in Buckingham palace or in a shed in the garden.

I hope your son enjoys his day, don’t worry yourself over what other may or may not think, might be worth reminding ‘D’Friend that it shouldn’t bother anyone else what you do or spend.

It is not too much. Enjoy those special days your way!

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend OP! Don’t feel you have to justify yourself- you can tell her ‘this is how I want to do my son’s party. Yes, I am trying hard, in my culture that’s a good thing! You can do what you like for your own children. I’d love you to come if you want, but don’t feel you have to!’ You sound lovely, the party sounds great!

Your party sounds perfect and lively.
The school mum is jelous and can not afford it herself
Stop telling others what you do

That is the only showing off when you tell other people what you do or are going to do.
Keep it private but still DO what ever you want.

OP how the party is viewed overall will differ depending on the main social class of the area. You can see it already in the responses you have had. The more affluent middle class area of England find effort of this kind a bit embarrassing. It is seen as try hard and sometimes tacky. More deprived areas and actually more likely to put on a big show and be comfortable with it. (as you have seen with the responses to the balloon arch, some places it is considered normal and fun other it is greeted with cries of 'what about the environment' This isn't just for children's parties but can be seen at weddings, christenings and funerals etc. Neither is wrong or right but knowing this difference can help you in situations.

Your friend doesn't sound like a friend, rather jealous.

Sounds a lovely party, hope it goes well!

If you are interested in the very strange subtle differences in English culture I recommend reading ' Watching the English'.

I’d think wow you’ve gone all out but accept people do parties differently. Balloon arches are massively popular here

To be honest, that all sounds very standard except the smiggle gift. I spend more on friends children then DCs friends but she doesn’t seem much of a friend.

The balloons, invites, party bags etc all sound normal to me.

The party sounds fine. I live in an affluent area and my children's friends have had very expensive parties and people just enjoyed them! No-one complained, that wouldn't have been very nice! Also there are parents who but more expensive gifts for children and those who spend less, that's fine too. Maybe I'm used to it because I live in an area where a number of people have money to spend, but a number don't too, so gift value seems to be really mixed and everyone is happy with that.

I feel your friend isn't being that nice to be honest.

@BayesBlues

Personally I would just enjoy it and take it at face value.

I've lived in a scandi country where EVERYONE had to do the same party and spend the same amount of money. It was bizarre how strict this was! All the parties followed the same (modest) pattern and order of events. And all the parents agreed in advance how much would be spent on the presents. We made the mistake one year of getting a cake made rather than homemade chocolate cake. I got quite a bit of disapproval for that and was told (quite pointedly) by one parent that we had 'raised the bar'.

I think the UK is a bit more laidback about this stuff and your party sounds a lot of fun. Agree that I'd ditch the balloons.

Wow this takes the personality away from parties. How odd.

The party sounds nice! My daughter had a friend in prep school whose dad owned a few 5* hotels. Her birthday parties used to be at one and they'd have a champagne afternoon tea for all the parents! Another hosted a 'festival' in their extensive gardens. We didn't have the means and would do Cineworld and pizza express and there were no hard feelings...at least not from me!

I do however think the £35 present is excessive as they will feel they have to give one back of a similar value and that may be awkward for them. I'd say £10-15 is plenty to spend on a child.

I hope you have a fantastic birthday party.

Also what your friend said to you was incredibly rude and poor form so I wouldn't take any cues on etiquette from her.

I don't think it's too much with what you've described. I'd probably stop there and not do too much else but to me it sounds fantastic!