Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret Annual Leave

273 replies

Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 19:24

I have leave to take before end of March.

WiBU to not tell DH and go to ‘work’ like normal but instead drive somewhere and walk? Or what would you do with secret annual leave?

Am so desperate to be on my own. I feel like I’ve had so little time away from him. I’m feeling very irritable and time on my own would be so good. Would it be terrible?

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 18/01/2022 23:57

@HundredYearOldMan

Why don’t you tell him that you really fancy a day off work for some quiet alone time shopping/strolling/lunching and that you’re going to do it at some point in the next couple of months? You could say that for you to feel fully relaxed and rejuvenated you don’t want to say exactly when you’re doing it.
Exactly what I was just going to say.

Talk to him about it in principle, he will go great idea…and then you can move into action when the weather/stress levels/tea leaves suit you without having to say anything specific to him

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2022 01:20

Ignore the smug twats who assume you have 'problems in your marriage' if you keep the odd secret. They know fuck-all about you, so are chatting shit anyway.

I'm struggling to see how you fail to get your needs met and have to lie in your marriage. Since you are so argumentative and dismissive on here.

AsYouWishButtercup · 19/01/2022 01:50

I did this and went to a hotel for the day and slept Grin it’s when DD (who used to wake literally every 30 minutes, for 30 minutes at a time) was 1 and in the torturous sleepless stages and I felt if I didn’t take a break I’d pass out with tiredness

DottyDisney · 19/01/2022 04:34

Yep. Smile checked in on Sunday evening (ran a couple of bits along there so DP wouldn't ask why I was taking straighteners to work Grin )

Had to pay for 2 nights but the cost was absolutely worth it!

DottyDisney · 19/01/2022 04:37

Sorry, that was in response to @NinaDefoe

And no OP, I never did fess up Smile

BayesBlues · 19/01/2022 04:50

Where I work, we get some random days off as we are a global organization. For example, we get both Eids off as so many offices in Muslim countries that they just close. I LOVE those days (I must be the non Muslim who loves Eid the most!) and I have often toyed with not telling anyone, pretending to go to work and having a day totally to myself (otherwise there's always stuff to do in the house/with the kids which whoever has a day off would be expected to do - not the full day but enough to cut into it).
Idea is great but I'd always feel too bad to actually do it. Probably better to be honest, you'll enjoy it more.

notacooldad · 19/01/2022 08:04

*Yes. I would get asked to do the school run and shop etc. any domestic tasks he does when I’m at work basically.

Why. Because when you aren’t at work people EXPECT things of you. Things that you wouldn’t ordinarily do if you were in fact at work who are all these people apart from Dh? And why would anyone else know you was off work? Theres no reason why you have to do anything anyway.

He’d ask me to do things and I feel I could say no. It just wouldn’t feel the same because he would KNOW I was free and so even if he didn’t ask me to do anything or I said ‘no’ and he was fine about it, I would feel like I SHOULD be doing something more productive. There is something about nobody knowing that frees me up to ‘just be’. I get jealous of DHs free time

I dont get this at all. Whats all these things that he's going to ask you to do? Why do you feel obliged? Can't you just say,' I'm off on Tuesday and do you know what, I'm going into the city ( or where ever) and see how the day pans out! I can't wait!
He’s not working much so gets time alone to just be
Well there's your issue! Do you pile jobs for him to do? If not, on your day off I'd be saying ' I'm on shut down today!!! Completely not available so dont even ask for any favours!!!

Why should she tell her DH? What harm is it actually going to do? Good grief. She’s taking a bloody holiday day to spend sometime for herself it’s not like she’s committed a sin
It's the sneaking around that's the issue. Pretending to go to work. Is she going to carry the lie on into the evening when he asks how work was?

I get time alone and love it. I too have leave to use before end of March and have booked a few nights into a bed and breakfast in a cottage in the Lake District. Its important to decompress. If you start lying you will never give him the opportunity to understand that you need time alone every now and again and next time things get to much go through the whole process again! Everyone has needs, Absolutely normal, just build some time off into your relationship is a lot more healthier.

What if I did it and then fessed up?
It's all the ridiculous charade of pretending to go to work that's ridiculous. Pretending that your leaving at work time, getting dressed for work, it's all a bit off. I would go up the wall if Dh did all that in front me. I'd think he's making a fool of me knowing he's not going to do what he is pretending to do. That's the problem.

SequinnedShawl · 19/01/2022 08:11

With my ex I did this BECAUSE if I mentioned I was taking a day off to do this that or the other, he'd immediately cancel the childminder. Ignoring the fact that we still had to pay the childminder for the day.

He seemed to view it as a "pay per use" service rather than having to pay for the place even if we didn't use it.

The fact that sometimes you need time when you're not working, not looking after your children or doing housework totally escaped him. Hmm

violetbunny · 19/01/2022 08:19

I think you need to remind yourself that you're both equal partners in the relationship so entitled to equal leisure time. I think you should tell him you're taking time off and point out that he has plenty of time to himself, so you'd like the same (I.e. without domestic jobs to do).

Mollysocks · 19/01/2022 08:27

@OniferousWasp

Why can’t you just tell him you’re taking a day off to do something on your own? Would he insist on coming with you?

I love having days off to go off on my own.

This. Not a good sign if you can’t tell your DP OP…
SkyDragon · 19/01/2022 10:02

Just to add, I feel I want to say this very loudly for the honesty police:

NOT ALL LIES ARE BAD. WHITE LIES ARE FINE.

If you're an introvert it's GOOD for your mental health to have private stuff and little harmless secrets.

I am an introvert and my husband and son are extroverts. They want to be with me ALL the time. I need time alone. If I have a secret day off I don't want to explain why I don't want them to come, and risk hurting their feelings. No one is harmed. This is the definition of a white lie.

Kindness is sometimes more important than honesty.

And for the people saying what if you get busted, well that's just a pessimistic way to live your life isn't it? Choose positive thinking, for heaven's sake!

SkyDragon · 19/01/2022 10:04

Footnote: if my DH DID find out I'd done this, he would just laugh about it and we'd move on, he is blessed with enough emotional intelligence to understand my motives.

Mollysocks · 19/01/2022 10:16

@SkyDragon

Just to add, I feel I want to say this very loudly for the honesty police:

NOT ALL LIES ARE BAD. WHITE LIES ARE FINE.

If you're an introvert it's GOOD for your mental health to have private stuff and little harmless secrets.

I am an introvert and my husband and son are extroverts. They want to be with me ALL the time. I need time alone. If I have a secret day off I don't want to explain why I don't want them to come, and risk hurting their feelings. No one is harmed. This is the definition of a white lie.

Kindness is sometimes more important than honesty.

And for the people saying what if you get busted, well that's just a pessimistic way to live your life isn't it? Choose positive thinking, for heaven's sake!

That’s true I hadn’t thought of this. My DP and I are both introverts so I imagine living with an extrovert (as the introvert I am) would bring challenges I haven’t considered.
notacooldad · 19/01/2022 10:27

I am an introvert and my husband and son are extroverts. They want to be with me ALL the time. I need time alone. If I have a secret day off I don't want to explain why I don't want them to come, and risk hurting their feelings*. No one is harmed

What a load of nonsense.
By the white lie as you call it you are ensuring your emotional needs are not bring met. I dont know how old your kids are but them to be ' hurt' is ridiculous. They have to understand mum (and wife)needs time out or mum likes doing different things sometimes. That's a healthier way rather than pandering to Male needs all the time.
Jesus, Lets keep the men happy at our own expense as their feelings are so delicate.

SkyDragon · 19/01/2022 10:37

notacooldad

No, not a load of nonsense. Just me being kind to people I love. They wouldn't get the hump or show off. They're nice people. I'm literally just being kind to my family, who I love. Their gender is immaterial.

You seem pretty worked up.

SkyDragon · 19/01/2022 10:40

And I AM in fact taking responsibility for making sure my emotional needs are met. On my own terms. Smile

notacooldad · 19/01/2022 11:03

No, not a load of nonsense. Just me being kind to people I love. They wouldn't get the hump or show off. They're nice people. I'm literally just being kind to my family, who I love.
Their gender is immaterial.

It's not though you are teaching your son and allowing your husband that it's more important to be an extrovert and an introvert will just go along with their plans or be ' hurt'
I'm sure they are nice people but its extremely odd that your cant say " hey guys, time it for me you do what ever your doing'

You seem pretty worked up
No im not worked, just sat on a train taking part in a debate!🤷‍♀️
' you must be worked up' if someone disagrees with you is the equivalent of a bloke saying ' is it your time of the month' it's a cheap shot.

TheMamaYo · 19/01/2022 11:07

What if you just lightly mention when he is very distracted that you have a couple of days that you might take off at some point? There'll be no need to 'fess up.' You've told him you might. Wink

I don't really see the big problem, if I'm honest. You don't need to blatantly lie about it, just arrange the day as you want it, mention it lightly beforehand, and at some point afterwards, if you feel like it. You know you're not doing anything wrong or to hurt him.

LampLighter414 · 19/01/2022 11:14

I voted YABU simply because I have seen friends from women whose DP/DH has done the same and they've been shocked to find them sat in pants on the playstation and the groupthink here was that this was ridiculously out of order. Particularly the secrecy bit, but also the fact they just wanted a day of peace and not being loaded up on 'tasks' to do.

In my opinion though, it's fine for either man or woman to do this on occasion, but better to just be honest and say you want a day to yourself with no chores etc rather than secret.

LampLighter414 · 19/01/2022 11:17

*threads not friends

SkyDragon · 19/01/2022 11:22

notacooldad

I did say 'seem' rather than 'must' because you referring to my point of view as 'nonsense' seemed mildly rude and aggressive to me.

Also, I'm not actually 'teaching' them anything because they don't know anything about it. It really is much simpler than you think it is. It literally is just me being kind and putting the feelings of my family first. I'm sure they would be completely fine if I said I was going off on my own to do something, and in fact I do go for spa days and girls nights out very regularly, but we are talking about an additional, secret free day out. Not harming anyone. And making a choice, on this occasion, not to say 'I don't want company' to people who love me and want my company. It's just kindness. That's all it is.

SkyDragon · 19/01/2022 11:24

And a tiny bit of selfishness on my part. But still totally fine for me to do.

notacooldad · 19/01/2022 11:46

It literally is just me being kind and putting the feelings of my family first. I'm sure they would be completely fine if I said I was going off on my own to do something
Fair enough but I was going off this If I have a secret day off I don't want to explain why I don't want them to come, and risk hurting their feelings
It just doesn't make sense
Either they are fine with you having time away or they might have their feelings hurt* and why on earth would their feelings be hurt if they are ok with you having a spa day. It just seemed a contradiction. But you know your family and if you want to do ' white lies' that's clearly your prerogative.

Croissantly · 19/01/2022 12:15

@SkyDragon

Just to add, I feel I want to say this very loudly for the honesty police:

NOT ALL LIES ARE BAD. WHITE LIES ARE FINE.

If you're an introvert it's GOOD for your mental health to have private stuff and little harmless secrets.

I am an introvert and my husband and son are extroverts. They want to be with me ALL the time. I need time alone. If I have a secret day off I don't want to explain why I don't want them to come, and risk hurting their feelings. No one is harmed. This is the definition of a white lie.

Kindness is sometimes more important than honesty.

And for the people saying what if you get busted, well that's just a pessimistic way to live your life isn't it? Choose positive thinking, for heaven's sake!

Very odd, I can't imagine having to lie just to get a bit of space without feeling bad.
SkyDragon · 19/01/2022 12:30

I don't HAVE to. I CHOOSE to. Occasionally. Because it's nice to consider other people's feelings and I want everybody to feel happy and loved. It's probably more about me feeling guilty for saying I don't want company sometimes, but I don't know how much more clear I can be about the fact that my motives are kind and my family happy and content.

I appreciate that this is very nuanced, and it's tricky to understand if you're an extrovert.