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AIBU?

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Original poster

Secret Annual Leave

273 replies

Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 19:24

I have leave to take before end of March.

WiBU to not tell DH and go to ‘work’ like normal but instead drive somewhere and walk? Or what would you do with secret annual leave?

Am so desperate to be on my own. I feel like I’ve had so little time away from him. I’m feeling very irritable and time on my own would be so good. Would it be terrible?

OP posts:
HelloFrostyMorning · 18/01/2022 21:57

@Millionairesshortbreadshort

Thanks HelloFrosty Smile

Curious about your DH was doing! Grin

Well, one example was - we bought a PS3 back in the noughties, and a few months after, they brought out one with a much bigger hard drive. DH said he took the first one that we bought 6 months before, slammed it on the counter at the GAME store, and demanded they give him the new/better one. They cowered and handed him the new one. (Apparently.)

A month or so later, I found a receipt in the dining room drawer whilst looking for my passport, and it had a part exchange transaction on it. GAME were letting people take their old PS3, and hand over with £125 for the new one. So he had part exchanged it, and not got another (new) one at all. Just wanted to big himself up.

Also, he has fibbed about other bits of stuff he has bought like he said he got something on Amazon that cost £15, and when I saw the box in the trash I saw it had an Argos reference number on it, and was actually £30. (I fib about how much I spend too sometimes. Not MEGA thing, just 'oh yeah this was £10 when it was £15.) No idea why. Don't know why he does either.

I have also caught him out hiding stuff, like a few things he doesn't want me to use (in case I break or lose them,) when he has told me he's lost them. And he told me he'd run out of sleeping tablets one time when I needed one - as he didn't want me to have one, I guess as he only had 4 left. I saw them at the back of the bathroom cabinet the day before though, so I knew he was lying. But as I said, I do the same, keep stuff to myself occasionally. We are all entitled! We are autonomous human beings, and as a few people have said, we are not joined at the hip.

Stuff like that.

I am as bad as him tbf, and as I said, I have taken time off and not told him. Oh, I also pop and see our adult DC on a lunchtime some weeks, because I just want to see them alone. I don't tell him as he would feel 'left out.' I have to tell them NOT to tell him. They think it's mad, but they know what he is like.

I mean God forbid I see my children on my own WITHOUT HIM! Shock

Do it @Millionairesshortbreadshort book the time off. Fuck what others think!

Frollop · 18/01/2022 21:57

My friend does this. She said if she told her partner he would give her things to do like he has in the past....

monotonousmum · 18/01/2022 21:57

Last year I took secret annual leave quite regularly. Most of it I just spent getting the house and garden sorted, without anyone giving me extra jobs to do because I was off work. Sometimes it's just nice to spend some time alone.

TeenTitan007 · 18/01/2022 21:58

Take 2 days! Enjoy! Take your laptop and work for 30 mins so technically you are 'working' on the day. You def have our permission.
Every human needs privacy and space with no questions asked.

Eddielzzard · 18/01/2022 21:58

I would book it with an overnight since you do go away regularly. Just enjoy. I wouldn't tell him beforehand and I might tell him after. It's ok. Actually you don't have to tell your DH absolutely everything, it is fine to have a secret. I'm sure my DH has secrets, and I do. It's ok. Eat where you love but your DH doesn't, see a movie, read a book, go for a walk. Bliss!

Go, enjoy your time, feel refreshed, come back and enjoy your family.

Dacquoise · 18/01/2022 22:05

My exH used to use most of his annual leave for secret days off, probably to pursue his hobby, possibly for other women, who knows. I never really clocked it until after we divorced as he spent so little time at home anyway and was always looking for reasons to disappear at the weekends as well. It indicated the level of selfishness that he thought he was entitled to sneak off on top of contributing zero to household or family life.

I wouldn't lie to your DH about needing some time to yourself. If and when he does realise he probably won't appreciate the deceit.

ouchmyfeet · 18/01/2022 22:06

@Millionairesshortbreadshort

ouchmyfeet

I do this quite regularly and can highly recommend it. Do it OP, you have my permission wink

Grin what do you do when you have the time off? I’m thinking of an art gallery, wondering around shops, walking on my own without DC and DH moaning/arguing. Cafe for lunch. Nothing extravagant. Just whatever I feel like.

Not normally anything as exciting as an art gallery, but basically any leisure activity! Sometimes shopping, or a nice long swim/steam at the gym. Or I curl up and read for a few hours, or lunch with a friend. Occasionally I take a Friday off and do housework/de-cluttering so that I feel I can relax at the weekend with the kids and not have too many jobs to do.

I completely agree that it's the having to tell him all about it that would bother me. He wouldn't mind, he probably wouldn't give me jobs to do, but I like something just for me occasionally.

HelloFrostyMorning · 18/01/2022 22:07

By the way, when I said ...

So he had part exchanged the PS3, and not got another (new) one at all. Just wanted to big himself up.

I meant DH didn't get a new one in place of the old PS3, he had to give £125 too (about £200 in today's money,) in order to get the new PS3 with the bigger hard drive! So he lied when he said they just cowered, and did a total switch.

Musicaltheatremum · 18/01/2022 22:08

I had a business partner who did that. He used to take days off to go fishing...his wife would phone in to find where he was so we had to say he was doing housecalls that day 🤣

Justsaying22 · 18/01/2022 22:13

Just do it! Frankly, I sometimes fantasise about telling my husband that I’m going to london with a friend for the weekend and then just going on my own.. I reckon a day on your own is absolutely fine.. enjoy

SockFluffInTheBath · 18/01/2022 22:15

Sounds glorious, you have my permission too. I don’t see why it’s a big deal to be honest, you’re having some proper downtime and you don’t need your husbands permission ffs it’s not the 1840s. If you said ‘gosh it’s going to be busy at work today’ as you ran for the door that would be fibbing. If you happen to head out at normal time and end up in a gallery then meh, what’s the harm?

Mother87 · 18/01/2022 22:17

Double triple permission granted here... For all op's saying there's something wrong if you can't tell DH/ask yourself why etc etc... You've explained VERY clearly why it would get complicated/interfered with. MUCH easier to keep your own counsel and do something purely for your own benefit

Rizzoli123 · 18/01/2022 22:18

I did it the other day I sat in five guys and ordered myself a burger, chips and a drink. Best day ever. No one knew.

My best friend spends the day at the cinema. She picked 2 films and watched them back to back

I would go bowling all day but I would have to pay 100s Grin

myyellowcar · 18/01/2022 22:19

I do this a lot, DH knows but I send the kids to their grandparents as if it was a normal working day. DH will leave me alone though and won’t load my newly free time with domestic crap. If there’s a risk of ‘oh will you post this for me’ or ‘will you pick up this parcel’ then crack right on!

Sometimes we even take the day together and go out for lunch or paint a room or go to home bargains on our own. Bliss.

sqirrelfriends · 18/01/2022 22:21

I do this all the time and have never felt the need to lie about it.

LadyPropane · 18/01/2022 22:26

Why can't you just talk to him about this?

I think it's a bad sign if you have to keep a secret about something as simple as having a day off to yourself.

Also, what if he did somehow find out? He'd probably think there was a much worse reason for you to lie to him about where you were that day.

HelloFrostyMorning · 18/01/2022 22:27

Why are a few people here, so much against the OP (and many others) getting time to themselves from their DH, with all the put downs and insinuations that 'the marriage is not that good if you have to do this' blah blah blah....? Are they a bit butt-hurt because they don't get any time away from their DH? Grin

Yes I know, some of us keep it a secret, but as has been said, our DH's will want to book time off too, which will completely derail the whole bloody idea of 'me time' for people! OR our DH's will start asking us to do things/pick stuff up/run errands....So that is why we lie!

Like I said, it's not a bloody crime!

TurtleBackUp · 18/01/2022 22:28

Just told my DP I'm taking a week off to go away without him.

Do it OP.

Sprucewillis · 18/01/2022 22:31

I don't think you need permission! If anything it's more of a 'by the way I'm taking a day out for myself' situation. If DH starts trying to fill your time just say no, that's not what this day is about.

If it will cause you a problem, if he is controlling? Then keeping it to yourself will likely backfire if he tracks your location or regularly checks up on you.

You are entitled to time off and shouldn't be guilted to using it productively on tasks. It is productive use just to give you some time for yourself doing whatever you want or even nothing at all Thanks

QuimReaper · 18/01/2022 22:34

I think a mismatch in independence in relationships is more common than people acknowledge, and actually don't think it's a huge crime to quietly navigate it to get what you need and keep the peace. It can just be damn tiring having to deal with questions and lip wobbles, let alone attempts to hijack or derail. Try and avoid direct lies (as the coverup is always worse than the crime!), or maybe even 'forget' to mention it until you get home and then rhapsodise about your lovely spontaneous treat day. That might also lay the groundwork for him to be able to understand your desire in future. I would even be tempted to make light of it if he asks why you didn't say so that morning, along the lines of 'and be presented with a shopping list?! lord no, I didn't want to be sidetracked into doing errands on my lovely day off!' Depends on your relationship though.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2022 22:34

@Millionairesshortbreadshort

Ok. Seems like keeping it a secret is unreasonable. Darn it. I don’t know why but it feels somehow different. I think if I say I have leave then I’ll feel like I need to think together about what I do. I like the idea of feeling free for a short time.

Child care is fine as I often stay away for work so it would be no different.

I would be a bit put out if he hid it from me but then he often takes time to himself as he is self employed and so when I’m at work I have no idea what he does. Often he sees friends or goes off to do his hobby. In school hours he gets to just be him and do what he wants. I tend to use time to do tasks that benefit us all.

I think if I was supposed to be at work according to everyone else (except work of course) and I went off as if I was going to work it would feel like extra time. A gift of time. If that makes sense? It would feel special. I like the idea of no one knowing where I am. I think it’s the not being responsible for a bit. I’d be at end of a phone for emergencies. I work away so no different really.

I’d better not though I suppose if it could be upsetting.

But what would he say if you said you wanted a day to do something on your own?

Especially if you pointed out that he often does just that

Toasterandjam · 18/01/2022 22:36

Your YANBU was 80% OP! So seems like MN is on your side! Go for it esp if yr dh would otherwise ask u do some errands etc.

4andapup · 18/01/2022 22:41

It sounds like you need a break from the chains of responsibility but feel guilt for doing so, I get this completely!
Personally I would tell my DH but make sure he knew why I felt this way and that I was NOT by fear of death, to be given any jobs to do or contacted! Good luck and enjoy x

Ionlydomassiveones · 18/01/2022 22:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RobertsRadio · 18/01/2022 22:44

Do it Op. Book a hotel and go away for a few days and just pretend it's a work trip. You sound like you need some rest and breathing space away from your DH.