Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

Secret Annual Leave

273 replies

Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 19:24

I have leave to take before end of March.

WiBU to not tell DH and go to ‘work’ like normal but instead drive somewhere and walk? Or what would you do with secret annual leave?

Am so desperate to be on my own. I feel like I’ve had so little time away from him. I’m feeling very irritable and time on my own would be so good. Would it be terrible?

OP posts:

MammaMacgill87 · 19/01/2022 19:00

This is the third thread I've seen today about people lying to or being secretive towards their partners. If you feel you have to be sneaky or lie surely there's something really not right with your relationship? Dear partner I'm feeling really frazzled with everything going on and I have some annual leave coming up, do mind much if I take some time for myself on xyz days, I feel like I really need it. Job done, noones lied to noone feels guilty. Imagine him finding out later on, how that would make him feel, or you if the roles were reversed? I'd be thinking all-sorts tbh, if you could lie about this what else could you lie about etc etc, take the time but do tell him

CrankyFrankie · 19/01/2022 19:05

In my opinion the following is reasonable:
-be honest and tell him you’re taking time off but you’re feeling incredibly overloaded and stifled of late so you’re not planning ANYTHING or doing anything and you’re going to be free and he is welcome to do the same some time in the future. You could even say you don’t want to tell him when it is!
-do it anyway and tell him afterwards with the above explanation. Only problem is if you get caught out.

Interestingly there was a reverse thread a couple of months back and I’m pretty sure the overwhelming majority thought the guy was totally out of order for taking leave without mentioning it (and getting caught out)...

Do whatever you have to do to feel liberated and refreshed. You’re not hurting anyone!

MrsOk · 19/01/2022 19:32

I know exactly what you mean OP. Even if you tell him and he doesn't bother you, you'll still have the feeling of having to show something productive done for the household at the end of the day. This happens to me a lot and my personal "annual leave alone" time turns into time to run errands or do household chores that have been put off for a while.

If he's the sort of person that would laugh at the situation if he ever found out and would not hold it against you, I'll say go for it if the "keeping it a secret" part is more for you than you really wanting to hide it from him.

maybloss2 · 19/01/2022 19:35

Yep. Everybody needs some alone time.

Mirw · 19/01/2022 20:02

Just tell him you are giving yourself a present... Time on your own! I have done it twice and it's great. Rely recharges your batteries. And stops fights!

ClassicsBelle · 19/01/2022 20:37

It sounds like you’re irritated and frustrated that he’s always at home and has so much free time while you don’t and when you are home, he’s always there which triggers those feelings over and over.

If this is about having time to yourself without being made to feel guilty or “on call” then be truthful and tell him you are going to take a day or so leave to just recharge from stress and work and that you will pick a time that looks like a slow work day/week. Then, do it and tell him when you get home, “I took that leave I told you about and I feel so much better”
Don’t lie or keep it a secret because how would you feel if he did that to you?

However, you come across as wanting to stick him a bit because you’ve said several times you want to keep it secret the. “Fess up.” Because you might enjoy his reaction? Because it will be a little payback for him getting free time? I think there’s some hostility there which may be warranted, you clearly feel the work/life balance disparity between you is very much not fair.

QuimReaper · 19/01/2022 21:20

I feel like after his thread OP is going to be too anxious about being caught to enjoy it if she does go for it...

ginforever · 19/01/2022 21:34

Take the day off, tell him and say that you will treat yourself looking at windows in a shopping centre or will go for a trip to ikea. I bet he will pleased not to go.
To make it even more convincing beg him to come with you lol

ginforever · 19/01/2022 21:36

Of course go for the walk, cinema, lunch, pub etc and for those in between ikea and shopping centre :)

I will be surprised on how much they don’t really care :)
Is a great freedom sensation and a good start for further future days to yourself ! Trust me.

Morgysmum · 19/01/2022 21:44

Do you have a job, where going away for a conference is an option.
Then you could say, yoy have a work trip, then book into a nice hotel and enjoy some alone time.
I am going to a concert in July, by myself and I cannot wait, as I will get time away from my son and partner. So I get the need for the time to yourself.

MrsDThomas · 19/01/2022 21:48

Why can’t you just tell him you’re taking the day off alone?

Really odd me

August1980 · 19/01/2022 22:06

Not at all OP! I packed my hubby off so I can get some alone time…he is on a ski trip and wasn’t that fussed about going… gosh I was so Uber helpful. Literally, washed, ironed and packed his bags, ski boots you name it. Then handed him his bag and passport and send, treated you to an Uber… he is waiting outside… I love my dog. Beautiful black lab, only regret is that he couldn’t take her! Not only a quiet house but a clean one too…

Alleycat1 · 19/01/2022 22:18

Why not get up as usual and tell him just as you are leaving the house?
Oh, by the way, DH, I am doing so and so today as I have decided to take the day off. Then leg it before he can ask you to do anything.

Pinkfluff76 · 19/01/2022 22:50

Just do it OP! You can always confess afterwards and sounds like he wouldn’t be upset. It feels like if you told him before and then didn’t feel as free you’d definitely regret it. Good luck!

Mollymoostoo · 19/01/2022 22:54

@TooWicked

I’ve voted YANBU, but I’d be quite hurt and bemused if DH felt the need to hide his annual leave from me.

So I’m guessing there’s a good reason you fell you have to do that.

My DH never takes AL when I am off. I have to take leave in the hols as I work in education but he works so I can't lie in because he is working from home. Then he takes time off whilst I am at work. I never get a break.

steelrose · 19/01/2022 22:54

You could hire a beach hut for the day, go for a walk, back to the beach hut for tea and a nap, reading, listening to music... bliss.

Think there's a hole in the market for non-coastal alternatives.

conjourbonjour · 20/01/2022 02:24

Oh mumma I FEEL this so much. Absolutely effing go for it, keep the secret, enjoy your day and to boot go home and moan about what a hard day you’ve had

I completely get the feeling of not being asked to do something and wanting it just for yourself. It’s not about your OH letting you, it’s about YOU letting you. DO IT DO IT DO IT! Please post back with what you did hahaha!

Nat6999 · 20/01/2022 02:57

I did it when my marriage was going down the pan, told my husband I was training off site all day & couldn't be contacted all day. Went out for the day to meet someone who became my dp once the marriage was ended. Never regretted it.

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 20/01/2022 09:43

I'd have more than just a 'day out' which never seems to be a whole day such as leaving the breakfast dishes, exiting home at 8am and returning at 11pm. Would your DH ring/text to ask what time you'd be home? That would really tick me off.
You don't say how much leave you have or whether you want to take random days or a block. How about taking Friday and Monday either side of a weekend and have 4 free days to really unwind in a totally different place, by a beach or where there are some good walks such as the Peak District or New Forest.
I personally like beach front getaways in any weather. There's something uplifting about a run on the promenade or beach even on windy days. Plenty of window shopping, trying out different affordable places to eat, Fri k in a cosy looking pub. I've done it myself and I'm probable twice your age. I don't live with my OH but I did say that I'd be incommunicado except for emergencies and I was not going to give updates as to how my day was and where I went. No 3rd degree.
If you just have 1 day you'll be clock-watching, wondering how much free time you have left and what time you 'should' return home.
Enjoy your free time whatever you decide. We all need it. Marriage or partnership doesn't mean we're merged for the duration.

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 20/01/2022 09:45

correction. Drink, not Fri k.

Stilsmiling · 20/01/2022 10:43

It’s not unreasonable at all and please don’t go against your gut feeling.

We are all individuals with our own needs and you have recognised that you need some space without the mental load of having to explain (or justify?) taking time for yourself. Please go and take some time for yourself, you will feel better for it.

Your oh manages his own time to find a balance between work and socialising/time out. You are more restricted with work commitments. Take your time off and go and fill your cup, you can’t keep pouring from and empty cup.

Enjoy!

LampLighter414 · 20/01/2022 11:57

@CrankyFrankie

In my opinion the following is reasonable: -be honest and tell him you’re taking time off but you’re feeling incredibly overloaded and stifled of late so you’re not planning ANYTHING or doing anything and you’re going to be free and he is welcome to do the same some time in the future. You could even say you don’t want to tell him when it is! -do it anyway and tell him afterwards with the above explanation. Only problem is if you get caught out.

Do whatever you have to do to feel liberated and refreshed. You’re not hurting anyone!

Yep I feel I remember the reverse thread being that the wife came home and found he was sitting on the playstation. He got torn to shreds.

Honesty is the best policy. If a partner can't respect you wanting some time to yourself and that you do not want to be given jobs/tasks to do then that is a concern to me.

BigYellowHat · 20/01/2022 12:57

Imagine if a man said that on here?!! You can’t have a very good relationship with your husband if you can’t just tell him you want a day to yourself. I think you’ve got bigger problems here.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11