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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret Annual Leave

273 replies

Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 19:24

I have leave to take before end of March.

WiBU to not tell DH and go to ‘work’ like normal but instead drive somewhere and walk? Or what would you do with secret annual leave?

Am so desperate to be on my own. I feel like I’ve had so little time away from him. I’m feeling very irritable and time on my own would be so good. Would it be terrible?

OP posts:
Fraine · 19/01/2022 12:34

My first thought was to book it off and enjoy it secretly.

But then I thought, actually, you need to get in the habit of asserting yourself. I would tell him you've booked it off and plan to enjoy it. If he asks you to do anything, remind him that he has much more free time than you so he should do his own chores.

He purposefully gives you chores to ensure you are the girl friday, don't fall for it.

FinallyHere · 19/01/2022 13:43

I would feel like I SHOULD be doing something more productive. There is something about nobody knowing that frees me up to ‘just be’.

This doesn't sound good for your own mental health. You don't need to hide things you need , or even treats for yourself.

You can own your choices and claim your space.

FinallyHere · 19/01/2022 13:51

And you wonder why we lie?! We wouldn't get any peace, THAT'S why!

My mother taught me by example to not disagree with my father, who considered himself the head of the family with all the responsibility and control that that implies.

She would lie to him whenever she thought he would disapprove. Minimise the cost of new clothes and treats. Pretend we were working in the school holidays when we were really just playing or reading.

I started the same with now DH. One day, several years into our relationship he asked me whether I felt I could be honest with him. I agree to try. I still occasionally pretend something is a bargain when it isn't. Absolutely no purpose, we are comfortable, DC all grown up and independent.

Now, if I find myself tempted to lie to DH I consider why I am doing that. I would not want the kind of relationship where I did not have my own power and responsibility, where my word and what I say has some meaning.

Where I felt I had to lie to DH.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2022 15:29

@FinallyHere

And you wonder why we lie?! We wouldn't get any peace, THAT'S why!

My mother taught me by example to not disagree with my father, who considered himself the head of the family with all the responsibility and control that that implies.

She would lie to him whenever she thought he would disapprove. Minimise the cost of new clothes and treats. Pretend we were working in the school holidays when we were really just playing or reading.

I started the same with now DH. One day, several years into our relationship he asked me whether I felt I could be honest with him. I agree to try. I still occasionally pretend something is a bargain when it isn't. Absolutely no purpose, we are comfortable, DC all grown up and independent.

Now, if I find myself tempted to lie to DH I consider why I am doing that. I would not want the kind of relationship where I did not have my own power and responsibility, where my word and what I say has some meaning.

Where I felt I had to lie to DH.

This. There is a reason some women have this script. They have to be busy and useful otherwise what's their purpose? It's deeply misogynistic and unhealthy. And it is contagious as @FinallyHere says. it's not harmless.

I'd use some of the time off to have a chat with a counsellor about where your script comes from OP.

BertramLacey · 19/01/2022 17:01

And for the people saying what if you get busted, well that's just a pessimistic way to live your life isn't it? Choose positive thinking, for heaven's sake!

Well that's an interesting spin. I hadn't considered hoping that my lies don't get uncovered as something that's positive. Whoop. Look on the bright side. I mean, I have to lie to my nearest and dearest to ensure my emotional needs are met, but hey, they might not find out.

Sartre · 19/01/2022 17:03

Why do you need to hide it? I don’t understand. If I found out DH had done this I’d assume he was having an affair tbh. I don’t see why you can’t just mention to DH that you’ve booked some annual leave off and plan to go walking alone on those days.

SkyDragon · 19/01/2022 17:20

BertramLacey your interpretation of what I've tried to explain is so very far from what I mean. It reflects your experience of life. Not mine.

Again. I don't HAVE to lie to anyone. All my emotional needs are met, and I and my family are all happy and loved.

Occasionally, people like me (by which I mean solitude-lovers who live with pack-animal type people) might like to have a little secret free day out without explaining ourselves to anyone. Nothing sinister about it. It's fine. That is all.

But you do you Smile

dejacqueray · 19/01/2022 17:37

I quite often go and have a night (or sometimes 2) in a nice hotel on my own. It's lovely to have 24 hours (or more) on my own to do whatever I want

MrsPetty · 19/01/2022 17:38

I was once called for jury service. I could have applied to be exempted and likely been awarded it. I went anyway … just for some time on my own.

SassyBiblio · 19/01/2022 17:38

I sympathise - it’s been intense and there has been little alone time. But maybe talk to him about it - maybe he feels the same way or can understand at least. Also watch Ted Lasso - no spoilers but this question of space in relationships is addressed.

Karenaki · 19/01/2022 17:45

Heck, book a spa day!

Mediocrates · 19/01/2022 17:50

YANBU to want time to yourself, but maybe just tell your H what you're doing?

I buy a week's annual leave every year, and use it in January and February for hibernating and being by myself

Cochabamba · 19/01/2022 17:59

I've done it, it's great! Secret days off are the best!

Lolabray · 19/01/2022 18:00

No it’s called you time. just do it.

notacooldad · 19/01/2022 18:04

Occasionally, people like me (by which I mean solitude-lovers who live with pack-animal type people) might like to have a little secret free day out without explaining ourselves to anyone. Nothing sinister about it. It's fine
I love having days to myself and I spend a lot if time alone.
I never used to tell dh where I was going. Not deliberately just that I hadnt made up.my mind what I was doing when he left for work. I would spend the day walking in the forest of bowland or cycling in the Eden valley and no one would know where I was. Then I got into listening to True crime podcasts! Now when I'm out I send him my location and E.A.T back home!! I think I've spooked myself!

Mandyjack · 19/01/2022 18:08

What would you think if your husband pretended to go to work but instead did something else? Tell him and say I'm going to have some walks etc and get some jobs done

Rachand23 · 19/01/2022 18:09

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive “! Don’t you will be found out lol!

calliecapers · 19/01/2022 18:11

Could you take a few half days? Its
Less of a lie then. Go to work as normal but finish early. Have lunch, shop. See a movie? Get nails done. Go home normal tims

DoraDont · 19/01/2022 18:21

Just do it. I completely understand.

If I had enough annual leave to spare I would do exactly the same thing. I would probably also tell dp after the event and he would probably be highly amused and a bit envious that he hadn’t thought of it himself.

The last two years wfh together have been relentless, and I crave alone time. No kids, no animals, no partner, just me and my own thoughts.

cherish123 · 19/01/2022 18:24

Why not? You have to look after yourself

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 19/01/2022 18:42

What about booking in to a spa? Hotel for the night? Shopping? Facial? Nails etc. A day of pampering for yourself? YANBU for wanting time to yourself

2Rebecca · 19/01/2022 18:50

The problem is you feeling obliged to do his tasks. It sounds as though you need to be more assertive and say no. Just say you need recharging batteries time alone. I think holiday time should be for leisure. As long as you'd be OK with him doing the same. I have 1 day off during the week and usually walk or cycle on that day. I definitely don't use it for household drudgery if the weather is good.

garlictwist · 19/01/2022 18:55

I do this. It's not so much that I lie and set off for work, I just don't mention I've had the day off or what I've done with it (usually heading out for a hike and lunch).

I don't know why as it's not a secret but I just prefer it that way. It's nice to lose yourself and not be accountable once in a while.

Ourlady · 19/01/2022 18:57

To be honest he sounds like a right pain in the arse so I would definitely do it.

Shanda5 · 19/01/2022 18:58

Why wouldn't you just tell him what you were doing?

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