Secret Annual Leave

[Millionairesshortbreadshort]

I have leave to take before end of March.

WiBU to not tell DH and go to ‘work’ like normal but instead drive somewhere and walk? Or what would you do with secret annual leave?

Am so desperate to be on my own. I feel like I’ve had so little time away from him. I’m feeling very irritable and time on my own would be so good. Would it be terrible?

You need a friend called Bunbury who desperately needs you to come and stay a few days with them. I am sure someone on MN can cover!

[quote Fluffypinkt]@HeadNorth why is it a drama, if anything it’s the opposite. As no one knows about it?!

Why should she tell her DH? What harm is it actually going to do? Good grief. She’s taking a bloody holiday day to spend sometime for herself it’s not like she’s committed a sin.[/quote]
Well exactly- it is not a crime so why is it a secret? It creates drama because she is pretending to go to work and if asked how her day is will have to lie. If I’d had a lovely day to myself I’d want to be able to tell my husband I had a lovely day, not pretend I’d come in from work. It feels so sneaky and wrong - almost like a kid going behind their parents back. Not a dynamic I want in my marriage.

How many days do you have to take? If it’s more than 1 or 2 you should do some house stuff but if it’s only the one or so I would just present it - “I’m taking a day off and I want the whole day off - I’m going to go for a long walk/massage/lunch with a friend/shopping/sit in a cafe and read. I won’t be back till usual home time but why don’t we go out for tea together at the end”.
Just say up front that it’s a special day off from life so you have no intention of doing anything domestic. And tell your husband that he is to do the same with some time off.

You 100% have my permission.
Sometimes it’s just to just “be” with no expectations on you.
I would do it if my husband didn’t WFH coz I’d love nothing more than the house to myself for the whole day.
Otherwise I might do it anyway soon. Drop my son off at childcare and head for a long beach walk.
Do it. You’re allowed to just have the day to yourself!

I do understand. I often have to have time for myself. My mental health is shit due to severe trauma, but my husband knows this and is often the first to suggest I have some 'me' time. I do feel like I have to justify it though (purely my own doing). But when he asks what I've done, I can honestly say I've just spent the day in bed or just mooching around the shops. He's fine with that. Hope you find a way to do it, I can highly recommend it x

I don't see a problem with it, it's not like you're keeping a secret assignation or anything.

I don't think I ever pre-scheduled a whole 'secret day' but I certainly took off work early, sometimes after only an hour or two at work, and didn't call DH to tell him. Or if I had an early-ish doctor's appointment I left him with the impression that I was returning to work. I just needed some peace and quiet.

It's not like he'd have said anything or automatically taken the time off too, it's just that there is something in knowing that not only are you alone, it's that no one knows you are. It's just freeing to be truly on your own. No one asking "So what did you do with your time off?", or calling to just chat 'since I know you aren't busy'.

Do it.

The only reason I can see for not telling DH you need a day or so of leave to yourself is that he is controlling and would insist of taking a day at same time to be with you.

I would feel like I SHOULD be doing something more productive. There is something about nobody knowing that frees me up to ‘just be’.

I think you need to shift away from this idea that you need somehow to be productive all the time. Or if you can't do that, at least for now decide that just being you and taking time to be you IS productive. It's about as productive as it gets.

I've done this before too, OP. It was brilliant I checked myself into a Premier Inn. Left for work for 7am as normal then went to the hotel. Had a nap, got up, had a long bath. Went out to do some window shopping and for a little walk around. Grabbed something for lunch then went back to the hotel room again to watch a movie and read some of my book. Then back home for my usual time of 7pm.

I felt so "free". My time was my own and the only person I had to think about was myself. I still smile when I think about it. Go for it!

@Millionairesshortbreadshort

What if I did it and then fessed up?

Yes just do that. Take the time and enjoy it. Then pass it off as a few hours off for much needed me time. There’s nothing wrong with having time to yourself you know.

And are you talking about one day? A couple of days? Absolutely do it. A week in the Maldives? Might be a bit naughty.

I get it. And I get what you mean about it not being the same if someone knows.

But I also think that it would be wrong for your DH to think you're at work when you're not. It seems wrong to lie to him. If I was you, I would tell him I am taking a day off for myself. You could take the kids to school and then have the rest of the day to yourself if DH can pick them up. That way you've been truthful and the children are sorted. Chores can wait for one day.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. I'm afraid I would have done this if I could possibly have justified it. Yes it indicates an issue in your marriage but we all have issues. I came to crave time on my own like crack, though in my case what I wanted was time in the house to myself that I knew was coming and could plan for - I think in the last two years of my marriage I had 20 minutes of it. It sent me nearly crazy.

Take it. Use it, enjoy it. If it leads you to think differently about your relationship that's a separate thing. Everyone needs privacy.

I dream of doing this. Sometimes I just want to go off somewhere by myself and not have anyone know where I am/what I’m doing.

I’ve done this. Even when dh was working from home, he just hasn’t noticed I’ve had the day off rather than I’ve lied. It is more freeing and you don’t get asked to do domestic shit. Though I would also be happy saying it’s my day off I’m having a holiday.

I’ve also tagged extra days on when I’ve been away for work.

Haha @DottyDisney that sounds so crazy and also wonderful. Like the start of a novel. Assume you had young children at the time?

JedEye

It would be a day. It could be two with an overnight stay. That’s a regular occurrence but a day feels enough. A week in the Maldives does sound tempting though…hmm

Genius idea

DottyDisney

That’s sounds like just what I need! Did you ever fess up?

Just don’t say anything at all.

Get dressed
Take kids to school
Find a cafe
Read a book
Drink more coffee
Go to the cinema
Have lunch
Go home
Have a nap
Collect kids
Takeaway for dinner

I think you should do it and enjoy it. I think sometimes women find it harder to be selfish and feel like any free time they have should be spent doing something productive for the family. If this is a way to give yourself permission to spend a day doing exactly as you please then do it. Though going forward I would try to find ways to have a little bit of time every week, where your focus is on what you want to be doing not what needs doing.

I would just announce that I am taking the day off to do XYZ.
Do you think there is a danger of him tagging along? If so, I would book a nail, hair appointment for first thing in the morning and say ‘I might have a look round the shops afterwards, I’ll see how I feel’.

Just to be clear on my work days (half time) he does all the school and domestic stuff now (following - ahem ‘discussions’). I often leave before they get up and back by bedtime the next day if I’m working away so I wouldn’t be needed or cause extra burden. DH barely works those two days. Might have a couple of hours work to do.

Very strongly - take some leave and don't mention it. All these holier than thou types saying why is it a secret don't have lovely but clingon partners. You are not joined at the hip, and taking some time to yourself is healthy. Try it - just a few hours that doesn't require the usual negotiations, compromises and you running around, effectively working because he still is. Then maybe next time you will tell him with a bit more confidence. Some lovely sunshine this week, get out there!

Could you go further? A training course away for the night in a hotel a whole night and next morning to yourself?

You can do whatever you like @Millionairesshortbreadshort and despite all the 'you must be honest' and 'it's deceitful' and 'unhealthy and odd' and your marriage must be shit - or will go downhill fast' type comments, many people do things without their spouse knowing. Sometimes because they know they will kick off or moan, and sometimes because they know they will want to join them/join in. (And they don't want them to.)

I have done things without DH's knowledge, nothing bad like seeing other men or racking up 1000s of £££ of debt without him knowing, but just like you, booking holiday leave for myself, popping to maccie d's for an ice cream and a coffee, and buying a box of chocolates to munch on when he's gone to work on a night shift.

Not that he will be mad/pissed off/angry, but just like if I said I went to maccies, he would pull a face as he didn't get to have one, and he would have whinged if he knew I had the house to myself for the day, and would have booked the time off too, 'so we can be together...' And the chocolates I open when he's off to work because I don't want to share them with him ... I share most stuff, but want a certain thing to myself. That's my right, but he would scoff two thirds of them.

He needs to be with someone a lot more than I do, and I am happy without him here for HOURS, several days even. I am happy WITH him here, but do enjoy time without him too. He doesn't enjoy time without me, and always wants to do stuff together, so sometimes (not always) I make excuses/tell white lies to be on my own too.

Not a crime, and we are still going strong after nearly 40 years together (35 married!) He does things I don't know about too. I have caught him out a few times, but not let him know I found out. Just trivial stuff, but I still found out. Didn't go snooping but I did find out.

And as I say, most people do stuff their spouse doesn't know about - yes they really do! They don't need to know EVERYTHING.

Book your leave and don't tell him. Enjoy your time to yourself!

Ignore the smuggy sneery judgy feckers!