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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret Annual Leave

273 replies

Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 19:24

I have leave to take before end of March.

WiBU to not tell DH and go to ‘work’ like normal but instead drive somewhere and walk? Or what would you do with secret annual leave?

Am so desperate to be on my own. I feel like I’ve had so little time away from him. I’m feeling very irritable and time on my own would be so good. Would it be terrible?

OP posts:
Kione · 18/01/2022 20:54

@Millionairesshortbreadshort

The thing is he’d be fine if I did it. He’d ask me to do things and I feel I could say no. It just wouldn’t feel the same because he would KNOW I was free and so even if he didn’t ask me to do anything or I said ‘no’ and he was fine about it, I would feel like I SHOULD be doing something more productive. There is something about nobody knowing that frees me up to ‘just be’. I get jealous of DHs free time. He’s not working much so gets time alone to just be.

We have had some (ahem) ‘discussions’ about workload and domestic chores/housekeeping etc and it’s more fairly distributed now so he does a lot more. But he still has way more free time than I do where I may not know what he’s doing or where he is. He can just ‘be’.

I felt exactly like this
Original poster
Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 20:55

ouchmyfeet

I do this quite regularly and can highly recommend it. Do it OP, you have my permission wink

Grin what do you do when you have the time off? I’m thinking of an art gallery, wondering around shops, walking on my own without DC and DH moaning/arguing. Cafe for lunch. Nothing extravagant. Just whatever I feel like.

OP posts:
Iwanttobestronger · 18/01/2022 20:55

I’ve done this a few times with single days off OP. DH and I have a great relationship but I wanted to be by myself, with no one suggesting walks or view points in advance. To be able to come home and when asked how my day was just say ‘yeah, was ok’. It wasn’t about him or our family but me needing to be by myself without any human interaction. It was always wonderful and just what my brain needed.

Moonface123 · 18/01/2022 20:56

Just do it Op, and enjoy yourself. It isnt a criminal offence not to tell your husband. Have a wild and free day, just for you.

SheWentWest · 18/01/2022 20:56

Yep. Love a good secret day off! Do it.

Pawprintpaper · 18/01/2022 20:56

I had a wfh online training day recently. I ended up doing 3 errands for dh, picking up the kids and doing their tea which he would normally do when I was out at work. This was because of some kind of minor crisis at his work so it would have seemed really petty to dig in and refuse. However, if I had been out at work he would have had to sort something else out/delegate.

It left me feeling that my time is less valuable than his and my training day largely wasted.

Maybe don’t be secretive, but book to do something that makes you unavailable to feel obliged to do errands or housework. That would be my advice.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 18/01/2022 20:57

My sister does this all the time!

Enjoy

Motherdare · 18/01/2022 20:57

Just do it OP. I also love having days to myself with no-one to answer to. Do it, enjoy it, it’s not the worst secret you can keep in a marriage! Just be careful not to answer your phone and give the game away.

And yes, if my DH did this and I found out I’d find it very strange and maybe hurtful. But equally I’d get a thrill out of doing it myself! 🤷‍♀️ What can I say? Humans are complicated.

ColouringPencils · 18/01/2022 20:57

I get it. I think it is the getting dressed and ready for work that feels a bit dishonest, but I regularly take a half day from lunchtime, and it doesn't occur to me to have to tell anyone. I start work quite early, so can easily work 2 hours extra during the week and then finish at lunchtime on a Friday. I sometimes mention it in advance but sometimes don't. Some of the afternoons I will do jobs, but others I sit and read and eat chocolate. It is a very innocent secret!

On a slightly separate note, I LOVE that feeling of nobody knowing where you are for a few hours. It is rare, which is what makes it exciting. And so much rarer now we are all available by phone 24/7. I would hate to be in one of those couples that track each other by phone.

Mintyt · 18/01/2022 20:58

I will take a day off sometimes and just not tell anyone, they just assume I have gone to work, and I say no I've booked time off for me. When I have said I'm booking Monday off sometimes I have oh good I will spend the day with you, I just need to be by myself- just take the time off

Original poster
Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 20:59

BFCfairy

I wouldn't tell not because it's a secret but because he would ask before hand in a genuinely interested way "ooh what are you going to do/ what have you planned / r u booking something nice" then after I'd have to chat about the day which entire purpose was to be on my own and have quiet!

Yes!!! This too. I’d have to talk about it. It would be a THING.

OP posts:
Original poster
Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 21:00

What if I did it and then fessed up?

OP posts:
MissAmbrosia · 18/01/2022 21:00

Can you go away overnight? I wouldn't keep it a secret - I would explain you desperately need some time to yourself. The same should apply to your dh of course. My DH used to book random days off without discussing it to please himself and it proper pissed me off as I had keep holiday to cover childcare needs when dd was little. I can see both sides.

MrsWinters · 18/01/2022 21:01

I’d book it and not tell him. I’m one of those people that quite likes time to myself and often feel like I’ve had days ruined because someone (very kindly) insists on coming along to keep me company. It’s always well meant, but sometimes you just need some time to yourself, and people always take it personally if you try to tell them you’d rather be on your own

billy1966 · 18/01/2022 21:01

You have my permission to and I would encourage you to just do it.

You sound as if you REALLY need a break.

You are being diplomatic, but your husband sounds like a selfish tit and you desperately need to assert some FIRM boundaries.

You are at huge risk of being unhappily married if you are not careful.

We teach people how to treat us.

You need to treat yourself better.

Flowers
Daffyaboutdaffs · 18/01/2022 21:01

Can you not just tell him you’ve booked a spa day and then he can’t ask you to do anything as you will be away for the day but you are not lying about being at work. You can then choose to do whatever you want.

OpinionatedToday · 18/01/2022 21:01

I've done this. Mainly because every time I try and take a day off for me my OH decides he won't go to work either. It's annoying. I just want to sit around and do nothing/treat myself to a solitary lunch/not have to bother with anything/etc. But he's there. Hovering. I love him dearly but every now and again want some time without him.

I really don't think YABU

So - permission from me if you need it!

EatAllDay · 18/01/2022 21:02

Not unreasonable as such. But is there a reason you can’t just tell dh?

Hopeisnotastrategy · 18/01/2022 21:03

May I make a suggestion. I entirely understand the need to have some space and not to feel that anyone wants anything from you. With Covid I think an awful lot of people are probably feeling that way nowadays. Many years ago I felt so much like that when I had a baby, a full time career and a DH who was away 80% of the week. What I did was this.

I told DH I needed a night away on my own for some space and not for anyone to want anything from me for a little while. He told me to get it booked. I booked myself away in a lovely hotel, picked up some products to spoil myself on the way and spent the night there. I had a lovely dinner by myself in an attractive Georgian dining room with a charming old waiter. I enjoyed the feeling DH hadn't a clue where I was, that nobody knew where I was, just for one night.

The thing was that made it work, I'd left contact details in a sealed envelope, just in case DC was ill or whatever. I felt comfortable with that. It sort of gave me permission to do it, despite the fact I had a young child.

When I returned home next day, the envelope remained sealed, and they'd had a lovely time. It really recharged my batteries, and I'd recommend it to anyone who just needs a break.

L0stinCyberspace · 18/01/2022 21:03

DEFINITELY DO IT OP Grin

It's a brilliant idea; a secret gift to yourself that you can savour and even get a slight thrill out of! Go for it. Enjoy your day.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 18/01/2022 21:04

You have your permission to take annual leave and do XERO productive stuff, just kick about and muck around!

But do tell your DH first.

saraclara · 18/01/2022 21:04

@Millionairesshortbreadshort

BFCfairy

I wouldn't tell not because it's a secret but because he would ask before hand in a genuinely interested way "ooh what are you going to do/ what have you planned / r u booking something nice" then after I'd have to chat about the day which entire purpose was to be on my own and have quiet!

Yes!!! This too. I’d have to talk about it. It would be a THING.

I totally get it. And I absolutely give you permission. Real freedom is important. Some people don't need it. I do. I love anonymity and I love not having to explain myself to anyone (or even to myself).
FinallyHere · 18/01/2022 21:05

he often takes time to himself

Don't fash yourself.

He takes time for himself. Take time for yourself. Tell he you will be taking a day for yourself

Sounds as if you are the one making this into something. Relax. You are an adult. You absolutely get to take time for yourself.

It's lovely that you usually use your time to benefit the family. However, you can't pour from an empty jug. Sometimes, you do need to put yourself first Enjoy.

maddiemookins16mum · 18/01/2022 21:05

That’s an unhealthy thing to do and pretty odd imho.

FinallyHere · 18/01/2022 21:06

Do you give him jobs to do?

If not, why do you accept jobs from him ?

Is he your boss?

Thought not.