Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret Annual Leave

273 replies

Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 19:24

I have leave to take before end of March.

WiBU to not tell DH and go to ‘work’ like normal but instead drive somewhere and walk? Or what would you do with secret annual leave?

Am so desperate to be on my own. I feel like I’ve had so little time away from him. I’m feeling very irritable and time on my own would be so good. Would it be terrible?

OP posts:
rwalker · 18/01/2022 20:31

I do it all the time with the odd 1/2 day couldn't be arsed with getting up and pretending I'm going to work.
Division of labour pretty equal in our house . But I think having a day doing nothing then the other person who's been at work all day has to start doing things when they come in would take the shine off the free day .
I'm obviously going to hell went on 1 1/2 course with work stayed 2nd nigh in hotel on my own and came home next day in my own time to an empty house that was a treat .

fizzyfood · 18/01/2022 20:33

I'd love to do this and would if I could.

JeffThePilot · 18/01/2022 20:33

@NewYearNewMinty

Going against the grain here, but if you're regularly away for work, tell him that's what's happening and book a few days in hotel for a break.

I know people will probably flame me, but I've had to do similar myself. Needs must and it's for the good of your mental health.

Honestly if my husband did this and I found out, I’d be suspicious.

If you don’t feel comfortable just being upfront and honest with your partner, you might want to think about why.

Frannibananni · 18/01/2022 20:33

There was a post here where someone thought their husband did that.
There was a lot of LTB opinions. If you can’t tell your husband you need time alone you need to work on that.

Dillydollydingdong · 18/01/2022 20:33

Just take the time off and tell him what you're doing. I bet he'd do it himself if he got the chance.

ChargingBuck · 18/01/2022 20:34

@Millionairesshortbreadshort

SickofCovid

Yes. I would get asked to do the school run and shop etc. any domestic tasks he does when I’m at work basically.

People (you mean DH, don't you?) can ask. You can say NO.

I do get your longing for a day off without restrictions or expectations.
But you'd do better to manage your response to DH asking you to do stuff you don't want to do, & end up feeling 'put upon' about.

timeisnotaline · 18/01/2022 20:36

I’d take it and tell dp but I’d have boundaries of steel about not doing anything. I’d tell dp it’s a mental health day and to pretend I’m at whatever his hobby is - assuming you don’t disappear weekly to a hobby id say it’s more than fair you get one day off. Him: so are you taking the kids? You: do you take the kids to ? Do I have to start a hobby and disappear every week to get some time to me, or can we just agree to support each other?

Motherland101 · 18/01/2022 20:38

@Millionairesshortbreadshort

Very clear secrecy isn’t the right thing. I knew really. Secrets are never good. I think I was hoping for permission! Grin

Well, you have my permission FWIW. I can totally see why you would want to keep it to yourself and the feeling of it being "freeing". Book a day off and go somewhere, enjoy yourself. Don't think hard on it, just do it.

Oblomov22 · 18/01/2022 20:39

No. Just tell him. I'm taking a day off and going to xxxx. End of.

BurntO · 18/01/2022 20:40

Just tell him. If he has a problem with it you have issues

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/01/2022 20:41

You want secrecy to replace boundaries.

If he can be 'off' with no chores and tasks, so can you. If he gives you a job, just say no, if that's how his time works.

I get the impression he sees you as the house elf but so do you.

Reallycantbesarsed · 18/01/2022 20:42

Just take your day off and tell your partner you are having a 100% me day …then go off out and enjoy your day.

ButtockUp · 18/01/2022 20:44

Why would you lie to your husband?

user1471554720 · 18/01/2022 20:44

If I take a day off and tell dh he will tell dcs,my mother everyone. I wind up with loads of jobs to do and it is actually harder than being at work. I have asked dh not to tell everyone about my day off. He said this is dishonest.

In fact, I would let my holidays expire rather than take a day off and wind up running round after everyone. Weekends are already gone with housework and sport collections.

I would not lie as that would be dishonest . Instead I would go to work and just let the leave expire. A working day is easier than the weekend.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/01/2022 20:47

I'd feel devastated if my DH couldn't tell me when he needed some time to himself. Or likewise, me.

We all need time off sometimes!

What worries me more is; why can you not talk to your husband?

BFCfairy · 18/01/2022 20:47

I wouldn't tell not because it's a secret but because he would ask before hand in a genuinely interested way "ooh what are you going to do/ what have you planned / r u booking something nice" then after I'd have to chat about the day which entire purpose was to be on my own and have quiet!

ouchmyfeet · 18/01/2022 20:48

I do this quite regularly and can highly recommend it. Do it OP, you have my permission Wink

Cuck00soup · 18/01/2022 20:48

I get it.

The times I told DH that I was taking annual leave to do x or y and have a bit of me time, only for him to surprise me by taking the day too, used to drive me to distraction.

I am now very clear in my communication!

I also used have a PA who used take secret annual leave, drive round the corner then after half an hour go back home and get back into bed.

Original poster
Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 20:49

The thing is he’d be fine if I did it. He’d ask me to do things and I feel I could say no. It just wouldn’t feel the same because he would KNOW I was free and so even if he didn’t ask me to do anything or I said ‘no’ and he was fine about it, I would feel like I SHOULD be doing something more productive. There is something about nobody knowing that frees me up to ‘just be’. I get jealous of DHs free time. He’s not working much so gets time alone to just be.

We have had some (ahem) ‘discussions’ about workload and domestic chores/housekeeping etc and it’s more fairly distributed now so he does a lot more. But he still has way more free time than I do where I may not know what he’s doing or where he is. He can just ‘be’.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 18/01/2022 20:51

You need boundaries woman. And some positive self talk.

Original poster
Millionairesshortbreadshort · 18/01/2022 20:52

Motherland101

Millionairesshortbreadshort
Very clear secrecy isn’t the right thing. I knew really. Secrets are never good. I think I was hoping for permission! grin

Well, you have my permission FWIW. I can totally see why you would want to keep it to yourself and the feeling of it being "freeing". Book a day off and go somewhere, enjoy yourself. Don't think hard on it, just do it.

I have just made you the ruler of my life. If I get caught I will just say you told me I could Grin

OP posts:
bigred22 · 18/01/2022 20:52

Do it.

Kione · 18/01/2022 20:53

I did it on my birthday 2 years ago. He was at work, kids in school. I went for a drive in the morning, ended up looking at shops but didn't f but anything, then got home after lunch and had a nap. Felt luxurious!

Suzi888 · 18/01/2022 20:53

My friend does this all the time because her DH would want to join her. Sometimes she just wants a day to herself…. I don’t see the harm.

Hertsgirl10 · 18/01/2022 20:54

I can see why you would want to, my DP would be so insulted that I didn’t want to spend the time with him but you need undisturbed me time and we all know time off with children is definitely not that!
Would be shit to be lied to, I mean imagine getting caught how dodgy it would look! Especially if you had the locations on or find my iPhone app.