Page 8 | To cancel the meet-up?

BreakingGood45 · 21/01/2022 05:49

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

This is NOT a friend! You do not need this negativity from a friend. Cut her off and surround yourself with positive people.

timeisnotaline · 21/01/2022 05:51

Once you’ve filled in that your dp did get shitfaced, she is being a lot more reasonable. Awkwardly put, awkward timing, but if he drinks too much then I wouldn’t be looking forward to a night out with him either. Maybe you could meet up as a foursome after a decent elapsed period, to do something not involving drinking? Or get your dp to do dry july and meet then… and see if the vibe works better.

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 21/01/2022 07:01

When she rings, I hope your DH/DP is there so you can ask her loudly to repeat to him what she previously said to you about him and hand over the phone or put it on speakerphone with the volume maxxed.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 21/01/2022 07:08

Good for you for canceling, you don't need that toxic nonsense going on. Life it too short for that drama.

Always remember the three 'Fs':

Unless they are feeding, fuc*ing or financing you don't have to give them any thought at all.

Go out and have a great evening with just you and your DP instead end enjoy yourself.

FinallyDecided · 21/01/2022 07:54

I think after her outrageous message blaming your insecurities I would have sent 3 messages:

I think you have a fat face. Not sure we should meet up, it's ever so distracting and puts me off my food
oh I didn't really mean it. It's not that fat I guess
hope we can still meet up and you won't let your insecurities about your fat face spoil things xox

ESGdance · 21/01/2022 08:17

@WetBlanket69

And yes, it's a bit of a problem. The first time we all went out as a 4some my DP got absolutely shitfaced early on. I was embarrassed by him tbh. I tried to discuss it with him the next day but he was just really defensive about it.

Don’t get distracted by your friend - that’s just an easy was to deny what’s going on for you in your life.

You should never have to be embarrassed by someone’s behaviour and then scared to bring it up.

This tells me he is using his volatility to repress your voice, expression and needs in the relationship.

Focus on your relationship.

RampantIvy · 21/01/2022 08:23

Some of the knee jerk reactions on here are ridiculous. Clearly, the OP's husband has no off switch when it comes to alcohol, and the OP's friend has been very clumsy in the way that she has told her.

I hope your meet up goes well next week @WetBlanket69.

2DogsOnMySofa · 21/01/2022 08:28

I really dislike this 'I say it as it is' attitude. It almost gives the person the green light to be rude.

Oh you've put weight on
That's a bit rude
Well I say it like it is

Errr no, you're just being rude and thoughtless.

Your friend can say it as it is, without being rude

ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 09:44

Honestly, I think she sounds real. And a good friend. Not sure why you'd take offence at anything she's said?
Well ... the game-playing around insisting on the invitation being for all 4 of them, only to backtrack & ask for DP to be excluded would be a factor.
As would the hypocrisy of criticising the DP's drunkenness, while drunk.

This! Exactly how I read it, too. Friend sounds like she doesn't do bullshit, which is what I want from a friend.
Telling it straight is diametrically opposed to goading & snidery, which this comment from the Frenemy most certainly is:
Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff

Classic bloody DARVO. Upset someone, then punish them for feeling upset ...

ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 09:50

@Passenger42

Don’t tell your husband the reason for cancelling this meal as it will only upset him. Just drop this woman like a hot brick and never speak or text her again. She sounds like she is making mischief.

Absolutely DO tell DP the reason, Blanket!

He wouldn't hear it from you when you tried to address his shitfacery after a previous dinner with this pair. Let him hear that his behaviour has consequences.

Whether he cares about that, or just gets 'defensive' & shuts you down again will help you decide how much of a problem you are going to allow his behaviour to cause you in future.

melj1213 · 21/01/2022 10:00

JFC the hyperbole from some posters is really unnecessary.

I think your friend has been tactless in how she has gone about telling you but I don't see an issue with the actual message itself that she doesn't want to go our with your DP when he is an embarrassing drunk.

Your DP is an embarrassing drunk and your friends DP doesn't have anything in common with him so he's not keen on doing couples dinner dates. They could have made excuses as to why they don't want to go out as couples or they could have been honest and got the awkwardness over with - clearly her timing was off but perhaps her having a drink or two took away the last of her filter to let her give it to you straight.

When I was still with ExDH I had some friends where we could do couples things with them and their DP because all four of us got on and other friends where we would just do girly nights/trips without our DPs as we just didn't gel as a foursome.

ESGdance · 21/01/2022 10:48

@WetBlanket69

A good female friend of mine suggested a couple of weeks ago going out for a meal with her and our DPs (the four of us have been out together a couple of times before, always at her instigation, I prefer meeting her on her own tbh). So I agreed, booked the restaurant for this Friday. The other night she rang me at 10pm a bit pissed and said that her DP doesn't have anything in common with my DP and that our friendship should be just a girly thing. She said my DP gets too drunk which is a bit rich as they are all drinkers. I felt a bit gutted but said ok, I'll cancel the night out then, but she persuaded me not to and wanted to go ahead. I said I wish she'd told me about her DP not getting on with my DP AFTER our night out as I felt she'd put a dampener on the whole night. However she managed to persuade me that it was all ok, I was over thinking etc. Now Friday is looming and I'm not too keen to go knowing her DP doesn't like my DP and probably me as well. AIBU to cancel?

I suspect it was her clumsy way of trying to get you to rein him in so that they could attempt to continue to socialise with you both as couples.

I suspect that her OH “had nothing in common” and “couldn’t get on with” ANYONE who got totally shit-faced early on the only two times they have met - what other conclusion could he have drawn.

I am with your friend on this one and wish I was as brave as her to call it as would have avoided toe-curling nights out with slobbering boring anti social selfish drunks.

Original poster

WetBlanket69 · 21/01/2022 12:05

I told my DP the truth and he seemed really sorry that his drinking has caused problems in my friendship. He did make excuses for himself though, 'the first time we went out it was just out of lockdown', 'I hadn't had anything to eat before we went out', 'I only drink at weekends, your friend drinks every night', 'I wasn't drunk the second time we all went out'. He has now realised his drunken actions have consequences anyway.

OP posts:

ESGdance · 21/01/2022 12:41

I am glad that you have spoken with your DP and have some dialogue - even though he is being defensive and not being accountable to his behavior as a responsible adult.

I hope he changes

Alcemeg · 21/01/2022 12:44

@ChargingBuck

Honestly, I think she sounds real. And a good friend. Not sure why you'd take offence at anything she's said? Well ... the game-playing around insisting on the invitation being for all 4 of them, only to backtrack & ask for DP to be excluded would be a factor. As would the hypocrisy of criticising the DP's drunkenness, while drunk.

This! Exactly how I read it, too. Friend sounds like she doesn't do bullshit, which is what I want from a friend.
Telling it straight is diametrically opposed to goading & snidery, which this comment from the Frenemy most certainly is:
Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff

Classic bloody DARVO. Upset someone, then punish them for feeling upset ...

I don't see that last bit as goading or snide, honestly! To me, it seems more like a response to this from the OP:

I'm not too keen to go knowing her DP doesn't like my DP and probably me as well.

Sounds as though you have it all sorted, anyway, OP! I wouldn't think of it in terms of your DP "spoiling a friendship" -- just that everyone has agreed a better plan for the future, so that's a result.

Personally I'd always prefer brutal honesty to politeness, which is just as well because I married a Russian 🤣 I once said to him, "Have you ever heard of tact?" and he wasn't too familiar with the word. He said "Is it related to tactics?" and I laughed... but then thought about it, and maybe it is: tact is after all a way of trying to control the outcome, giving someone information in a way that manipulates their response to it. I do think there seem to be cultural differences in this sort of thing, and the English preference for a sugar coating might have to do with paranoia and insecurity. The very paranoia and insecurity that arise as a result of never quite knowing how others feel about you/stuff, thanks to the English politeness! 😋 it's a vicious circle!

Alcemeg · 21/01/2022 13:12

oh and P.S., I don't think it's hypocritical for someone who drinks heavily to find someone else's drinking problematic. We all have our thresholds of what we consider OK.

RachaelN · 21/01/2022 16:29

Honestly, I would immediately cut them both out of my life. I know we can't all like everyone, but what she said to you is quite frankly rude.