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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel the meet-up?

192 replies

WetBlanket69 · 18/01/2022 13:43

A good female friend of mine suggested a couple of weeks ago going out for a meal with her and our DPs (the four of us have been out together a couple of times before, always at her instigation, I prefer meeting her on her own tbh). So I agreed, booked the restaurant for this Friday. The other night she rang me at 10pm a bit pissed and said that her DP doesn't have anything in common with my DP and that our friendship should be just a girly thing. She said my DP gets too drunk which is a bit rich as they are all drinkers. I felt a bit gutted but said ok, I'll cancel the night out then, but she persuaded me not to and wanted to go ahead. I said I wish she'd told me about her DP not getting on with my DP AFTER our night out as I felt she'd put a dampener on the whole night. However she managed to persuade me that it was all ok, I was over thinking etc. Now Friday is looming and I'm not too keen to go knowing her DP doesn't like my DP and probably me as well. AIBU to cancel?

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/01/2022 05:21

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry

I'd be fuming over that.

No way would I go now.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/01/2022 05:24

@Twocrabs30

Your DP might have a drinking problem - it’s for you to form your own view whether his conduct was a one off or there is a bigger problem. But even if so, she’s not a friend.
This^
Chocomelon · 19/01/2022 06:03

She sounds awful and if she keeps texting it's because she feels insecure or unsure. I'd have to reply to that although not replying might wind her up more.

MagicMatilda · 19/01/2022 06:23

Wow she sounds like a horrible lady. I would cut ties with her if I were you. Seems very toxic.

Wallywobbles · 19/01/2022 06:29

Why was you DP defensive when you tried to discuss him getting shit faced?

Can you discuss his bad behavior or does it just get pushed under the carpet?

Why would telling him they think he's a problem drinker be an issue?

toomuchturmericinwatermelon · 19/01/2022 06:30

Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff

Sorry you've taken offence

What a hideous friend you've got right there!

EmmasMum12 · 19/01/2022 06:41

Your partner getting defensive when you try to speak to him about his excessive drinking, is the big problem here

VioletCharlotte · 19/01/2022 06:46

Your friend hasn't handled this well at all. But are there bigger issues going on here and is there any truth in what she has said? If your DP has got really drunk on the occasions she has met him then I can see why she and her DP are not keen to go out with him again.

LucyFlynn1066 · 19/01/2022 06:49

Bet she hasn’t told her DP about letting it slip he doesn’t like your DP.
Can you call her out on it? May not be true.
Agree with PPs your friend sounds like a bit of a bitch.

nzeire · 19/01/2022 06:49

So many wrongs here :(
Glad you cancelled, talk to your husband, tell him why, and come up with some strategies that will help him in nights out

Scarydinosaurs · 19/01/2022 06:52

Was the problem with your DP getting drunk a one-off, or does he do it a lot?

Kuachui · 19/01/2022 07:00

i think your friend was wrong in the way she did it but i think you do have dp problems.

ive been the friend that was embarrassed of my friends drunk partner, we were just trying to have a nice meal with a drink as grown ups and he ruined it and it is frustrating when you feel you cant go out without someone getting really drunk

autienotnaughty · 19/01/2022 07:12

She created this and it's her problem but she's trying to make out like it's yours. If her and your dp don't get on she could have just suggested a catch up for you two without dps. I do have friends that we don't really do couple thing. I definitely wouldn't meet in couples anymore and I'd question if if she's that good a friend if she's happy to try and make you feel bad (unless your dp is horrible and she's trying to help you see)

TokyoDreaming · 19/01/2022 07:13

I'd be punting her into the Thames, what a dick.

RampantIvy · 19/01/2022 07:14

I agree with Kuachui. Your "friend" was being rather tactless, but it sounds like your DH doesn't have a great relationship with alcohol either.

Frannibananni · 19/01/2022 07:15

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry

Too far bitch. Too far. Don’t waste another thought on her but I would tell your husband why though.
snackodactyl · 19/01/2022 07:19

agreed with @Kuachui’s post. disengage from the friend’s messages, she’s made her point but any reply to her last message is going to feed whatever drama she thrives on.

address DH’s drinking as a separate issue.

Pinkyantelope · 19/01/2022 07:19

@Kuachui

i think your friend was wrong in the way she did it but i think you do have dp problems.

ive been the friend that was embarrassed of my friends drunk partner, we were just trying to have a nice meal with a drink as grown ups and he ruined it and it is frustrating when you feel you cant go out without someone getting really drunk

I agree with this.

I don't think it's absolutely certain that she's being a bitch just in the evidence of this. She might be trying to be honest and it's coming out awkwardly.

I don't know how it's helpful this MN thing of avoiding the elephant in the room. So if she kept making excuses as to why she didn't want to arrange a night out, or why she was cancelling it (maybe after consulting with her husband?) wouldn't that be hurtful?

Maybe she's trying to say she's concerned about how your DH behaves. Perhaps he's embarrassing or even aggressive.

I'd be more worried that you can't even talk to your husband about behaviour that upset both you and your friends.

Sometimes MN is right about people enjoying drama, and sometimes what they call drama is just being honest rather than carrying on a pretence to spare everyone's feelings but mostly their own, and nothing ever gets resolved.

ANameChangeAgain · 19/01/2022 07:24

Your friend handled it badly, but I wouldn't go out with a couple where one of them drank themselves into a stupor.
Cut your friend off if you really think she is the problem here, but if your friend can't be honest with you and concerned then who can? In her case though I think it was more self indulgent then genuine help.
The real problem here is your partner's drinking. What happens when he is drunk?

sassbott · 19/01/2022 07:31

@WetBlanket69

And yes, it's a bit of a problem. The first time we all went out as a 4some my DP got absolutely shitfaced early on. I was embarrassed by him tbh. I tried to discuss it with him the next day but he was just really defensive about it.
👆🏽. By your own admission your DP did get shitfaced to the extent that you were embarrassed by it. Was that a one off or does he drink a lot? Why was he defensive the next day vs apologetic Do you think he has a problem?

Tbh I find people who drink excessive amounts when its a few people/ small ground tedious beyond belief now. And I too have started swerving them. It is never fun and the night becomes all about managing the drunk one (provocative comments, center of attention look at me behaviour, them annoying strangers).

I don’t know your friend but it does seem that she is trying to give you a bit of a warning shot when it comes to your DP’s drinking. Only you can step back and ask yourself whether she has a point.

sassbott · 19/01/2022 07:31

*small group

Kuachui · 19/01/2022 07:32

@pinkyantelope agree with you too, she did it in the wrong way possibly BUT she could have just been wanting you to say ill tell him not to drink or to ensure he doesnt drunk etc, drinking is fine if your not gwtting so shitfaced your embarrassing people.

she probably wanted you to aknowledge that your partner really should stay sober this time.

Caterinasballerinas · 19/01/2022 07:37

I’d now send something back that’s really breezy to try and move past it and leave things for a while. If that message could also include the word perhaps to correct one of my pet hate shortenings from her message that would also be great!

Pinkyantelope · 19/01/2022 07:37

[quote Kuachui]@pinkyantelope agree with you too, she did it in the wrong way possibly BUT she could have just been wanting you to say ill tell him not to drink or to ensure he doesnt drunk etc, drinking is fine if your not gwtting so shitfaced your embarrassing people.

she probably wanted you to aknowledge that your partner really should stay sober this time.[/quote]
Thanks Kuachui.

Sometimes on MN there's so much emphasis on minding your own business as some incomparable virtue (I'm not talking about being nosy but just addressing difficult issues) that I feel like I'm a different species!

LovingLivingLife · 19/01/2022 07:39

I don't think your friend was trying to be helpful as some have suggested. I think your friend felt uncomfortable with your DHs drinking on previous occasions and was hoping that by saying this to you, you would talk to your DH before you go out & avoid it happening again. She's obviously embarrassed about how she went about it, her follow up texts are ridiculous.

It's not really relevant that they also enjoy a drink unless everyone is getting shitfaced (and if so you have every right to call her a hypocrite).

Sounds like your friend and her DH really like you, but not your DH. Are you happy to make a friendship like that work?

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