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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel the meet-up?

192 replies

WetBlanket69 · 18/01/2022 13:43

A good female friend of mine suggested a couple of weeks ago going out for a meal with her and our DPs (the four of us have been out together a couple of times before, always at her instigation, I prefer meeting her on her own tbh). So I agreed, booked the restaurant for this Friday. The other night she rang me at 10pm a bit pissed and said that her DP doesn't have anything in common with my DP and that our friendship should be just a girly thing. She said my DP gets too drunk which is a bit rich as they are all drinkers. I felt a bit gutted but said ok, I'll cancel the night out then, but she persuaded me not to and wanted to go ahead. I said I wish she'd told me about her DP not getting on with my DP AFTER our night out as I felt she'd put a dampener on the whole night. However she managed to persuade me that it was all ok, I was over thinking etc. Now Friday is looming and I'm not too keen to go knowing her DP doesn't like my DP and probably me as well. AIBU to cancel?

OP posts:
kentuckyfriedpizza · 19/01/2022 07:41

Just text and say, 'somethings came up; going to have to cancel Friday.'

If she rings or texts etc just say, 'can't chat' and don't bother with her again.

That's not a friend.

DressingPafe · 19/01/2022 07:44

Nobody wants to think that everyone else thinks their DP is a bit of a dick! So of course you’re going to feel somewhat defensive. But I also wonder just how badly he behaved for this to be an issue. You say “well they are drinkers too” but did they get “shitfaced” on those meetings and behave in an embarrassing way? The fact they also drink doesn’t really mean anything. Her texts sound clumsy and not well thought through but is she totally wrong? Only you know that.

If she’s a good friend normally and you feel she may have the tiniest point, you may want to pick up the phone and talk it through. Texting often sounds worse or gets misunderstood. Your DP’s don’t have to be friends. Only you know if your friendship with her is worth a little effort to save.

FirewomanSam · 19/01/2022 07:44

There’s a lot going on here.

Your friend handled things very badly, especially since she said she wanted your friendship to be women-only in the light of everything but then still insisted on meeting you both for dinner. That makes no sense.

However it sounds like, at the heart of it all, she does have a valid point about your partner’s drinking, which you’ve admitted is embarrassing for everyone.

Not sure what your friend means about ‘your insecurities’, is that just bitchy on her part or is it a very badly worded allusion to the state of your relationship? Is she worried about you?

I get why everyone is keen to write her off as a bitch because her communication sounds appalling but I do think there’s a little more going on here.

Lanique · 19/01/2022 07:45

What a condescending twat. I'd cut contact completely from now on.

Zonder · 19/01/2022 07:50

Sorry. Drink causes problems x

Reply and say "working with DH on his drink problem. Hope you can get help for yours"

ESGdance · 19/01/2022 07:54

I think the friend was clumsy but maybe also brave - I am in this situation and now just make excuses not to be with my friends husband as it’s intolerable - especially a dinner out with 4 people.

I think she has tried to say clumsily not to take offence or to get insecure and withdraw from the friendship.

The main issue is your drunk DH - behaviour like this is excruciating and antisocial - for everyone. Maybe you are in denial of his issues - I wouldn’t endure this behaviour or inflict it on anyone else.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/01/2022 08:05

I'd have to reply to that comment @WetBlanket69.

Something like "I took the decision to cancel following your admission that your DP doesn't like my DP and you both clearly think he has an issue with alcohol. I was offended because you were offensive. I don't have insecurities but I believe that you're projecting here. Best of luck to you dealing with your issues but I think it's best if we don't meet up again."

mumtoallbhoys · 19/01/2022 08:05

Am I the only person reading this thinking the whole thing doesn't make any sense?

Why did your friend do all of these steps. If I have read your posts correctly though he is a problem drinker, you were embarrassed yourself? Is she saying her DH doesn't like him but she means she doesn't like him/ thinks she has a drink problem? Is she someone that can't handle giving feedback.

Bananarama21 · 19/01/2022 08:06

Going against the grain but do you always want to bring your dp with you? It changes the dynamics some what, could she have some issues she wants to speak to you about that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about infront of her dp.

SoupDragon · 19/01/2022 08:07

Thanks for pointing out her hypocrisy, you're totally right

There is a big difference between "a bit pissed" and "absolutely shitfaced"

I would be reluctant to meet up with someone who had got as drunk as you describe on our first night out as a foursome.

SoupDragon · 19/01/2022 08:09

I have a friend who gets shit faced on every social occasion where drink is involved. I make sure they get home safely but it does make be see them very differently. They've said some horrible things whilst drunk before.

Branleuse · 19/01/2022 08:11

shes not brave. She asked everyone to have a couples dinner on purpose and then made it awkward. If she doesnt like OPs dp, then she shouldnt have forced this issue, especially since they too are big drinkers.
Whether they have a point about his drinking or not, this was a shitty way to approach it and now OP feels embarrassed and alienated from her group as its clear its all been discussed behind backs.

The nice messages now, id find patronising.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/01/2022 08:13

I drink but I don't like being around very drunk people - it makes me nervous and uncomfortable. The way she went about it was weird as was arranging another night out if it made her that uncomfortable the last time, but I would be mortified about my DP getting so drunk when out with friends he didn't know that well. Twice.

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2022 08:18

Cancel and tell your do you don't fancy it.

Tell her whatever you like.

Life is too short.

ESGdance · 19/01/2022 08:19

@SoupDragon

Thanks for pointing out her hypocrisy, you're totally right

There is a big difference between "a bit pissed" and "absolutely shitfaced"

I would be reluctant to meet up with someone who had got as drunk as you describe on our first night out as a foursome.

I think it suits you to find reasons Tom shoot the messenger as it avoids you dealing with the main issue - I am not talking about you being responsible for your DH drinking - that’s his job - but looking at why you accept being embarrassed and why you are in a relationship where you avoid giving feedback that you agree is accurate and truthful and are unable to speak openly to your DH without him becoming defensive.

I think that your friend as shone a light and has done you a favour.

Wilkolampshade · 19/01/2022 08:22

Don't reply - silence is the best possible response. Block and move on.
Your DP needs to confront his drinking and that's tough enough for you two without people sticking their oar in... although, (looking for a silver lining) its possible this might incentivise him to make a start.

Pat123dev · 19/01/2022 08:23

Cancel- what a dick.
I find a few friends DPS don't fit wellto groups, so what- I'd never say that and theyd always be welcome.

MzHz · 19/01/2022 08:25

But twice they’re out with you and twice your dp gets wankered.

You speak to him about it and he gets defensive

It could be a case of “there’s something about me I see in your dp that I don’t like”
In that they have drink problems that they’re not facing and your dp getting out of it so quickly in effect triggers them.

MzHz · 19/01/2022 08:26

I meant to add, but it might be that he DOES have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol

Fallsballs · 19/01/2022 08:31

You have admitted you OH was shitfaced, which was embarrassing and that’s something that needs some reflection on your part.
I had an ex who used to do this and gradually alienated me from my friends.
I don’t think she handled it well at all but I think you need to look at the bigger problem here than someone with communication problems.
Why did he chose to get so drunk when meeting your friend ? Does he not care about you ?

Fedupsotired · 19/01/2022 08:32

I'd send back the middle finger emoji

TheChemicalMother · 19/01/2022 08:34

I wonder why on earth she suggested to latest 4-some? Maybe she did it without telling her DH. Seems bizarre to press for it and then renege.

Anyway:
You never really wanted 4 way meet ups.
Your DH DID get shitfaced, you were embarrassed
She simply pointed out the truth
But while drunk.

Do you want to continue meeting up with just her?

All this text communication is terrible.

If you want to stay in touch CALL her and say ‘look, let’s go back to how it was, you don’t have to put up with my drunk DH, and I don’t have to put up with your drunk texting!’

If not, just let the messages drop.

Derbee · 19/01/2022 08:39

She doesn’t sound like a very good friend, because she hast handled things sensitively at all. But it does sound like your DP has a problematic relationship with alcohol - you’ve admitted yourself that you were embarrassed by his drinking when you went out for dinner.

I don’t blame her and her DP for not wanting to socialise with someone who drinks to excess, as it’s usually obnoxious and disruptive. But she hasn’t handled the conversation well.

Immunetypegoblin · 19/01/2022 08:43

I have a husband who drinks too much and can't handle it (despite drinking similar quantities to my friends, who apparently can handle it). I often just socialise with them and not him, because he's embarrassed me in this way before. It sucks but there it is, and they would not be UR to say something.

However they WOULD be UR to say something and then expect me to pretend I hadn't heard it and turn up to a night out with my DH and have fun. They would be doubleplus UR to then not-apologise for having said it and throw further shade on my entirely justifiable feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment!!

She is being something of a cow atm. I wouldn't socialise with her for that reason.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 19/01/2022 08:45

I'd tell her that her communication style is extremely rude, so I do not want to see her and I want her to not contact me again.

As others say though, you do also need to consider how problematic your DH's drinking is. Does he regularly drink too much, or is it nerves with people he doesn't know? Does he remember what he's done? Why can't you discuss it with him, that's problematic in itself.

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