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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel the meet-up?

192 replies

WetBlanket69 · 18/01/2022 13:43

A good female friend of mine suggested a couple of weeks ago going out for a meal with her and our DPs (the four of us have been out together a couple of times before, always at her instigation, I prefer meeting her on her own tbh). So I agreed, booked the restaurant for this Friday. The other night she rang me at 10pm a bit pissed and said that her DP doesn't have anything in common with my DP and that our friendship should be just a girly thing. She said my DP gets too drunk which is a bit rich as they are all drinkers. I felt a bit gutted but said ok, I'll cancel the night out then, but she persuaded me not to and wanted to go ahead. I said I wish she'd told me about her DP not getting on with my DP AFTER our night out as I felt she'd put a dampener on the whole night. However she managed to persuade me that it was all ok, I was over thinking etc. Now Friday is looming and I'm not too keen to go knowing her DP doesn't like my DP and probably me as well. AIBU to cancel?

OP posts:
Figgygal · 19/01/2022 09:58

After her last message absolutely tell her to fuck off for good

Gonnagetgoing · 19/01/2022 10:00

Ok, she was pissed and it was tactless but maybe she's had her DP saying to her 'I don't get on with WetBlanket69's DP as he gets too drunk' and maybe your DH does get too drunk so she thought she'd just say it.

However, it wasn't a nice thing to say and maybe also her DP does get very drunk too so I'd probably suggest to leave meeting up with her for now.

UnsuitableHat · 19/01/2022 10:01

I wouldn’t reply to the text. I think anything you say will just give her an opportunity to twist your words to make it look as if you’re insecure, over sensitive or whatever. At least you’ve cancelled the meet up.

Gonnagetgoing · 19/01/2022 10:05

I didn't read the whole thread but I'd not be happy with the 'insecurities' text from her.

I do think if your DP got shitfaced though, that's not good, why did he get shitfaced, is there a pattern to this? Does he have a drink problem?

C152 · 19/01/2022 10:09

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry

Does she actually remember what she said when she called you, drunk? I'd be pretty blunt in response and say, 'don't you remember ringing me drunk and telling me your DP doesn't like my DP? Given his feelings, I don't think it's appropriate we go out as a group anymore.'
Butchyrestingface · 19/01/2022 10:15

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry

That's too much and I would ignore.

However, it does sound like your husband has an issue.

Sweetleftfood · 19/01/2022 10:17

If she was a proper friend and concerned about you and your DH drinkibg, she would not

  1. invite you out as a 4-some (especially as she is obviously not enjoying it and neither is her DP??)
  2. Be concerned about you for real and maybe like have a phone call!!

She is toxic and you don't need to be with her, some great suggestions for replies here, but I would just ignore her from now on. Let her come running and ask for replies

IWannaQuitTheGym · 19/01/2022 10:27

So firstly "sorry you've taken offence" is the shittest apology ever. It's not evwn an apology is it. Then she said "don't let your insecurities spoil stuff"? Wow.

I'd message back saying, 'No insecurities here! I just don't think dinner with people who admit to having a low opinion of my DP is going to be much fun for either of us'

Agreed, this is a good reply! She doesn't sound like a very good friend to be honest, are you quite close? Who even tells someone 'my DP doesn't like your DP' then tries to blame that person when they feel uncomfortable meeting up? I'd be taking a step back from this friendship, it doesn't sound like she'd be a massive loss.

olympicsrock · 19/01/2022 10:33

Reply “oh do fuck off dear”

PelvicFloorTrauma · 19/01/2022 10:37

Ha, she is feeding your insecurities AND not taking responsibility for doing so with her tactless, provocative, critical and unkind comments. This woman is NOT your friend. Text back: "Whatever." She suggested dinner in the first place but then tried to unpick the arrangements when she is drunk because your DH drinks too much. You don't need people like this in your life. Ditch or de-emphasise.

withgraceinmyheart · 19/01/2022 10:56

I don’t think she’s handled it well, but I can see where she’s coming from.

Sounds like she keeps arranging foursome meet ups in the hope you’re dp behaves better and they have the chance to actually get to know him, because the both really like you and think it’s a shame your dp is ruining things.

Her DP has obviously had enough though.

It’s a shame it’s spoiled your friendship, and a good lesson for her that you can’t change people and should just have met up with you without your dps.

More relevant is whether you think your dps drinking as a problem, and whether it’s isolating you from friends if he’s alienating them while drunk.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2022 10:56

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry

Response:

Well, we weren't.

FO

xxx

GrumpyTerrier · 19/01/2022 11:05

She invited you both out, then drunk texted to say they didn't want to see you both, because your DP drinks too much? THEN turns it back on your and says they DID want to see you both? Oh the irony and the drama.

I wouldnt bother with her anymore. Even though your DP did get hammered, there are better ways to deal with that. Like only invite you out.

ChargingBuck · 19/01/2022 11:09

Agreed, I wouldn't be arranging a meal out like that in the first place if there's been bad experiences before. All badly handled. Friend must've been dreading it

Dreading it? Then why did 'friend' arrange - iirc, insist - that this dinner was to be all 4 of them, @OakRowan? Even though OP preferred for just the 2 women to meet?

There is something so contrived, arch & domineering in 'friend's' actions & texts that I can only believe she is OP's Frenemy.
That's an issue in itself, & totally separate to OP's partner's problematic drinking, & how frequently that might be occurring.

I suspect OP needs to be more assertive generally.
Putting up with a bitch for a 'friend', & accepting her DP's "defensiveness" in refusing to discuss his drinking problem (no matter if this is an occasional slip-up or an ongoing issue) is why I'm recommending that OP buys herself a copy of this excellent book - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

StrangerThanSpring · 19/01/2022 11:12

I wouldn't reply. She is obviously just fishing for a response. Just ignore her.

Muthalucka · 19/01/2022 11:16

It’s tricky as your Dp may be awful when he drinks and they just don’t like him which is justified but they’ve gone about this the wrong way

Whatinthelord · 19/01/2022 11:20

She sounds awfully passive aggressive in her comments. Making little snipes rather than being clear in a neutral way about her issues.

Does sound like some thought needs to be given to the drinking issue though. You may have to accept her perspective on that might be valid.

Did you ask her why she instigates meeting up together if she didn’t actually want to?

Neveranynamesleft · 19/01/2022 11:36

No way would I ignore her, she would not have the last word. She ain't your friend.

Just tell her you have lots of other friends that you both can go out with and are comfortable with. She has shown her true colours so no need for any more difficult 'dates' either couples or girlies.

If your partner wants to drink that's his choice and everyone, including you OP I'm afraid, will have to like it or lump it.

Tal45 · 19/01/2022 11:45

I would just reply with 'Ok' and nothing else.

She'll have no idea what you're 'okaying' or what tone your 'ok' is in and hopefully it will be a complete head fuck for her.

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 19/01/2022 11:59

She’s like the jellyfish friend from Bridget jones!
I personally wouldn’t respond to any further correspondence.
If you have issues with your partner that’s between you two and of she doesn’t like him/how he behaves it’s simple she doesn’t make plans with you both and just sees you solo end of.

OakRowan · 19/01/2022 12:01

I agree with you@ChargingBuck, friend has behaved terribly, can only go on what OP has said about DH.

Lweji · 19/01/2022 12:03

TBH, it sounds like you are minimising your DP's drinking, even if they are also drinkers. It sounds like something happened last time that they weren't comfortable with.
She does want to go out with you, though.
This would be a perfect opportunity to demonstrate to your DP how his drinking is affecting your social relationships. I'm somewhat surprised that you are offended on his behalf.

OTOH, I wonder if she's having problems in her own relationship and used this as an excuse for her DP not to go.

Either way, I think it's a shame that you are letting this affect your relationship with this woman. At the very least, you could have used the opportunity to meet her and clear the air or clarify what the issues were.

Lweji · 19/01/2022 12:05

Beware of MN pps who behave like reality show viewers and enjoy the drama.

grapewine · 19/01/2022 12:11

She didn't handle it well, but I can see the scenario of her having posted here and been given advice to cancel and tell you why. Especially because you admit that your partner gets shitfaced around them.

That last text would annoy me, though.

Dontbeme · 19/01/2022 12:20

I'm starting to understand why your DP for shitfaced if this is how your friends carry on. Just take a big step back from her and I wouldn't even bother replying to that last message. If she follows up with another message about it just reply "Oh I thought you were just drunk messaging again and didn't pay it any attention".