To cancel the meet-up?

[WetBlanket69]

A good female friend of mine suggested a couple of weeks ago going out for a meal with her and our DPs (the four of us have been out together a couple of times before, always at her instigation, I prefer meeting her on her own tbh). So I agreed, booked the restaurant for this Friday. The other night she rang me at 10pm a bit pissed and said that her DP doesn't have anything in common with my DP and that our friendship should be just a girly thing. She said my DP gets too drunk which is a bit rich as they are all drinkers. I felt a bit gutted but said ok, I'll cancel the night out then, but she persuaded me not to and wanted to go ahead. I said I wish she'd told me about her DP not getting on with my DP AFTER our night out as I felt she'd put a dampener on the whole night. However she managed to persuade me that it was all ok, I was over thinking etc. Now Friday is looming and I'm not too keen to go knowing her DP doesn't like my DP and probably me as well. AIBU to cancel?

[FFSFFSFFS]

Christ that last text is cringe - for her.

I’d be taking a mahoosive step back from her

[Maray1967]

Her final text was awful - insecurities? I couldn’t let that go.
I’d send back something clear and honest. Eg I don’t have insecurities, I have a partner who drinks too much. I’m well aware of that and understand he’s spoiled nights out and that you’d rather not go out again with him. I’ve made that clear to him.
But I do not have insecurities and I’m frankly offended that you think I do.

[BlondeDogLady]

You admit your DP got shitfaced early on in the evening the last time.

What did he do that you found mortifying?

Sounds like your friend didn't want a repeat of that night and was honest with you.

But now most of MN say she's the bitch.

[ESGdance]

@Immunetypegoblin

I have a husband who drinks too much and can't handle it (despite drinking similar quantities to my friends, who apparently can handle it). I often just socialise with them and not him, because he's embarrassed me in this way before. It sucks but there it is, and they would not be UR to say something.

However they WOULD be UR to say something and then expect me to pretend I hadn't heard it and turn up to a night out with my DH and have fun. They would be doubleplus UR to then not-apologise for having said it and throw further shade on my entirely justifiable feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment!!

She is being something of a cow atm. I wouldn't socialise with her for that reason.

Maybe the friend was hoping that the OP would respond to her and say - yes sorry he was so shitfaced both (only?) times he has been out with you - it was uncomfortable for us all and antisocial on his part - but don’t worry I have had a word and he is embarrassed, apologised for his behaviour and assured me that he will rein it in for Friday.

[Skeumorph]

The last text is the biggest attempt at a dig to get you to respond I've ever seen! But - she's sent it because she's embarrassed. She didn't expect you to take control of this, she just wanted to have you on the back foot for some reason. The type that likes to get off on a little light bullying of friends! But you tackled it. She didn't expect that.

Don't reply, or if you do, something like 'Glad it's sorted x' - then just never contact her again.

She's a complete bitch and is not your friend.

[Lookforwardtosummer]

Cancel it OP. If you do go you will not feel relaxed or enjoy it after what she's said. She sounds horrid to be honest! Why suggest meeting with partners then making that revelation?

[JustUseTheDoorSanta]

@BlondeDogLady

You admit your DP got shitfaced early on in the evening the last time.

What did he do that you found mortifying?

Sounds like your friend didn't want a repeat of that night and was honest with you.

But now most of MN say she's the bitch.

You are missing that both DH and friend can be shit.

Most people think the "friend" has been awful in her communication; gaslighting that OP is only upset because of her own insecurities is ugly and personally I wouldn't allow that from anyone towards me.

The DH has some problem drinking, we're also asking questions to help deal with that.

[Howarewenotthereyet]

So glad you cancelled. A mum friend has told me twice when she was drunk that she and her husband don't like my husband. He's too smart apparently. She's then suggested we do family day trips with the kids ?! (I've skirted, ignored, declined) and has suggested lots of meet ups with no husbands which I've kept to a minimum and mainly only when it suits me or my kids. It has really impacted our friendship. Given I was never keen to bring husband's into it, it's a shame and feels totally unnecessary.

[maddy68]

I don't think she's done anything wring. She was probably having a bit of Dutch courage to tell you that her oh doesn't want to go. And she would prefer it just to en a girly day.


That's fine


I also have a friend who becomes a bit of dick when he's drinking. My oh doesn't want to go out with him.
He's perfectly within his rights not to want to.

She's your friend not his

[Lalliella]

Reply that you’re not insecure, you were cancelling because of what she said in the phonecall and ask her if she was so drunk she’d forgotten what she’d said.

[LeQuern]

My reply would be:

‘oh, do fuck off with the passive aggressive faux concern. Bye’.

[Wilkolampshade]

Actually, re-reading @Skeumrph has the perfect response, a breezy 'Glad it's sorted. X' and THEN block and ignore. Leaves you on a dignified moral high ground. She sounds truly nasty and you won't miss her.

He does need to sort the drinking though, or you may end up alienated from nicer friends.

[Joined4this]

I am fairly assertive but I avoid these tit for tat exchanges of nastiness like the plague. If I am going to say something, I do it in a positive way because I like the person I am talking to. Sometimes it’s necessary to be assertive but the moment it gets personal or spiteful I remove myself. I think you were right to cancel - how could you fake happiness knowing they are judging and also do not like your DP? Why should you have to tell DP he isn’t liked? They have put you in a really bad position where you are forced to choose.

[JugglingJanuary]

@WetBlanket69

I'm too scared to tell my DP, I don't want to hurt his feelings. But he doesn't seem that bothered about going out with them anyway. But he will want to know why I've cancelled it, should I tell him the truth?

Tell your DP, that her DP is a dick & you don't want to waste your Friday night with him, that you'd rather do something nice with just him (YOUR DP obviously!!)

I'd text her to say that you've cancelled that table at the restaurant & are going to do something with just your DP. Ignore any calls from her.

I'd stop seeing her tbh. It's one thing to say 'the blokes don't get on, let's just us go out' it's totally different for her to diss your DH, then say to go out with them anyway.

[SoupDragon]

You are missing that both DH and friend can be shit.

She says her friend is a "drinker", not that she gets shit faced and embarrasses everyone.

[todaysdilemma]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. Why would she invite your DP to this dinner and only then tell you they don't like his drinking?! Surely, if she was concerned she'd have brought it up after the time he actually got drunk. Or why wouldn't she have just suggested only the two of you meet up without DPs when you were planning the dinner - avoiding this issue completely.

Also, why is she not talking just about how she feels about your DP rather than making it a 'me and my DP' think this. Who cares what he thinks, when she's the one who's your friend. It's incredibly condescending.

She sounds like the sort of person who needs to feel superior in the friendship i.e you're the one with a problem DP, and it's her and her DP who are morally superior. Because no friend would bring up something sensitive in this cackhanded way, then proceed to be bitchy and passive aggressive when you are understandably upset. Even talking about your 'insecurities' - eh? That's a put down for not reacting/behaving exactly as she wants you to..

I would take a lot of space from her. If your DP does have a drinking problem, that's for you to deal with. But if he's only been like this with them, and no one else has commented negatively on his drinking, i would question how much of it was caused by the uncomfortable dynamic with this clearly bitchy/insensitive couple. If she's this way with you, I can't imagine her being extra considerate and pleasant with a stranger.

[Forumqueen]

I agree with what someone just said and think you should reply “glad it’s sorted” this will really wind her up. Her last text was obviously sent because she’s embarrassed and wants some control back by getting rise out of you. I think youve acted dignified so far, she’s trying to bring you down. Surely you can’t’ be friends with her after this anyway. So a blasé response then ignore from now on is the way! Or even better just ignore the message all together- this will leave her wondering and kicking herself for a few days

And those commenting that the OPs husband is the problem….the friend initiated the invitation!!

[Immunetypegoblin]

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

If you haven't responded yet, I suggest:

"Thanks for checking in - I'd prefer to reschedule and make it just us two. Speak soon xx"

That makes it clear that you're not meeting up as a group, or indeed this week. Then let it drift for a week until you get in touch, and when you do, resist all suggestions to make it in any way a group event. She'll try to push it, I bet, 'cos she feels bad (as she should, she's handled it poorly).

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Maybe your husband drinks too much. Maybe he doesn’t. It’s not for her to police your husband’s alcohol intake - it’s beyond rude and patronising. You don’t invite people out on the condition that they “behave” ffs. You invite them depending on how you feel about spending time with them. She’s a total bitch.

[Folklore9074]

Agree she is goading you now OP. It might be fair that your DP is a pain in the ass when drunk (also could easily be a one off, it happens) but this isn’t how a friend would speak to you about it. I’d not reply - block or ignore. She’s not a pal.

[OakRowan]

What if she's the only person telling you the truth about your husband and his binge drinking, even if she did it so badly, there isn't really a good way of saying actually I regret arranging to go out with him because he's a nightmare has no self control and embarrasses everyone and I need to talk about it with you. Only you know how much of a problem he's got, it has saved you an awful night out from all sides. Tell him what she said, then both of you can carry on blaming her for his bad behaviour if you prefer.

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

@OakRowan

If your friend’s husband had a problem with drinking then you would sit down with them face to face to discuss.

You would not invite them for a couple’s dinner, get drunk and disinvite the husband, then say “he can still come just not get drunk”.

That’s not a friend

[DickMabutt73962]

@SlashBeef

I think I'm reading this differently to everyone else. I'd be mortified if my husband got so drunk that people didn't want to go out with us again. I'd be cross with him, not the friend. Although you say they're problem drinkers too so generally it's probably best you don't go out together as a group.

Agreed. I could easily see the friend doing a post on MN about dreading meeting up with her friend and partner because the partner always gets shitfaced and ruins the night.

Everyone would be encouraging her to do what the friend did, and text cancelling and explaining why 🤷🏽‍♀️

[OakRowan]

Agreed, I wouldn't be arranging a meal out like that in the first place if there's been bad experiences before. All badly handled. Friend must've been dreading it, to do this, but leaving it last minute to drop a bomb like that is awful, but its good she said no thanks in the end no matter how excruciating the delivery of it. Maybe the husband was a drunk nob as a one off, maybe he's got a serious problem but everyone else is avoiding raising it, only OP knows that bit.

[NatashaBedwouldbenice]

The only thing I'm certain about in this situation is that texting isn't helping.