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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel the meet-up?

192 replies

WetBlanket69 · 18/01/2022 13:43

A good female friend of mine suggested a couple of weeks ago going out for a meal with her and our DPs (the four of us have been out together a couple of times before, always at her instigation, I prefer meeting her on her own tbh). So I agreed, booked the restaurant for this Friday. The other night she rang me at 10pm a bit pissed and said that her DP doesn't have anything in common with my DP and that our friendship should be just a girly thing. She said my DP gets too drunk which is a bit rich as they are all drinkers. I felt a bit gutted but said ok, I'll cancel the night out then, but she persuaded me not to and wanted to go ahead. I said I wish she'd told me about her DP not getting on with my DP AFTER our night out as I felt she'd put a dampener on the whole night. However she managed to persuade me that it was all ok, I was over thinking etc. Now Friday is looming and I'm not too keen to go knowing her DP doesn't like my DP and probably me as well. AIBU to cancel?

OP posts:
ESGdance · 18/01/2022 16:41

Wonder if she or he is a problematic drinker and struggling to do dry Jan - so blaming your OH?

Does your OH get hammered when out? Is that a problem for you or not?

I am in this situation with a friend - her OH gets shitfaced and it’s so antisocial. We were away with them in the summer and never again - but I haven’t told my friend that - keeping it to just the two of us now.

Original poster
WetBlanket69 · 18/01/2022 17:31

Tbh they're both problematic drinkers!

OP posts:
Original poster
WetBlanket69 · 18/01/2022 17:33

And yes, it's a bit of a problem. The first time we all went out as a 4some my DP got absolutely shitfaced early on. I was embarrassed by him tbh. I tried to discuss it with him the next day but he was just really defensive about it.

OP posts:
gettingolderandgrumpy · 18/01/2022 17:58

I think you’ve got bigger problems that your dh gets shitfaced in company . She’s a twat but clearly you need to address his drinking .

ESGdance · 18/01/2022 18:00

Do you think other friends and family swerve your OH (and you?)

Is his drinking a problem for you at other times (hangovers? causing problems in the relationship, how you live etc)

Is it acceptable to feel shamed?
Is it acceptable that he doesn’t care that he shames you?

Maybe you should give him the feedback that others find his behaviour intolerable?

Might make him change for you?

madisonbridges · 18/01/2022 18:08

If I understand it, you don't like going out as a 4, you prefer just being with your friend.
Her DP doesn't like going out with you and your DP.
Your DP doesn't really want to go out with your friend and her DP.
So what's the problem? Just go out with your friend which is what the 4 of you all want anyway.
And don't tell your DP they don't like him. Who does that help?
People getting drunk is a completely other issue. If that's causing problems for your friend, she should be able to say so. Nicely. In the same way you should be able to if her drinking is causing problems for you.

Ponoka7 · 18/01/2022 18:11

Don't let this spoil the friendship that you have with her. It's good that you can have honesty. How old are you all? Past 23 (going by my adult children) no-one wants their night ruined by someone getting too drunk.

Original poster
WetBlanket69 · 18/01/2022 19:00

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry
OP posts:
RockAndHardPlace1 · 18/01/2022 19:12

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry

I'd reply "no I don't have insecurities, I just don't like you and your horrible attitude." And leave it at that.
MrsTrumpton · 18/01/2022 19:38

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry

I'd message back saying, 'No insecurities here! I just don't think dinner with people who admit to having a low opinion of my DP is going to be much fun for either of us.'
MrsTrumpton · 18/01/2022 19:40

On the other hand, does your DP regularly get so shit-faced you're embarrassed by him or was it just a one-off?

EmmaH2022 · 18/01/2022 19:44

Leave it OP
She sounds like she wants the drama

SlashBeef · 18/01/2022 20:00

I think I'm reading this differently to everyone else. I'd be mortified if my husband got so drunk that people didn't want to go out with us again. I'd be cross with him, not the friend. Although you say they're problem drinkers too so generally it's probably best you don't go out together as a group.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/01/2022 20:01

I actually think it's ok that she told you she isnt comfortable around your partner if he is getting surfaced before seeing them. If he was drinking to the point where you were embarrassed about him then they probably felt very uncomfortable as well

But it's really bizarre that they suggested a meet up, told you they didnt like your partner but insisted you keep the arrangement. Just odd!

user1471457751 · 18/01/2022 20:20

If her partner has only met yours a couple of times and both times your partner got so shitfaced you were embarrassed, I don't blame him for not wanting to go on another double date. Your friend just should have been more tactful with what she said

veganmayo · 18/01/2022 20:30

Those insecurities you wouldn’t have if she hadn’t drunk-called you about it?

The fact she keeps texting shows it’s on her mind/she feels some level of guilt and is thinking up new ways to shift the blame for it onto you.

StrangerThanSpring · 19/01/2022 03:32

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry

That's bitchy!

We might think these things, but to actually text that to someone is just awful.

Dita73 · 19/01/2022 03:39

Why on earth are you friends with this person?! She sounds like a bloody nightmare. I’d block if I were you

Elfsumflowerpig · 19/01/2022 03:43

She is goading you now OP.
If she genuinely thought your D had a problem, this is not the way a friend would tackle it.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/01/2022 03:53

Tell her no, you've changed your mind.
(That's a fundamental human right, by the way.)

Does your DP have a drink problem?

ElftonWednesday · 19/01/2022 03:55

I don't think the problem is your friend, but your DH.

Twocrabs30 · 19/01/2022 04:31

Your DP might have a drinking problem - it’s for you to form your own view whether his conduct was a one off or there is a bigger problem.
But even if so, she’s not a friend.

JSL52 · 19/01/2022 04:38

@WetBlanket69

She just sent me another message:

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Angry

I'd reply ' were you? You said your DH didn't like my DH?'
TequilaStories · 19/01/2022 05:16

No way, she sounds like a PITA, I wouldn’t be bothered with that, with all the texting and insisting you go anyway sounds like she loves the drama of it all. Think it might be worth addressing your DP drinking though since you said it was embarrassing before and you did notice it.

EerieSilence · 19/01/2022 05:17

And we were both really looking forward to seeing you. Don't let your insecurities spoil stuff. Love you xx

Miaow