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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel the meet-up?

192 replies

WetBlanket69 · 18/01/2022 13:43

A good female friend of mine suggested a couple of weeks ago going out for a meal with her and our DPs (the four of us have been out together a couple of times before, always at her instigation, I prefer meeting her on her own tbh). So I agreed, booked the restaurant for this Friday. The other night she rang me at 10pm a bit pissed and said that her DP doesn't have anything in common with my DP and that our friendship should be just a girly thing. She said my DP gets too drunk which is a bit rich as they are all drinkers. I felt a bit gutted but said ok, I'll cancel the night out then, but she persuaded me not to and wanted to go ahead. I said I wish she'd told me about her DP not getting on with my DP AFTER our night out as I felt she'd put a dampener on the whole night. However she managed to persuade me that it was all ok, I was over thinking etc. Now Friday is looming and I'm not too keen to go knowing her DP doesn't like my DP and probably me as well. AIBU to cancel?

OP posts:
ElleGettingBetter · 19/01/2022 12:23

Ignore all the advice to send shitty texts in response. So much drama.

If your DH got so drunk it embarrasses you, how do you think your friends felt? My EX used to do the same, it’s mortifying. I didn’t even want to be around him when he was that drunk and embarrassing so why would anyone else.

You’re ignoring the main issue here.

Joined4this · 19/01/2022 13:14

The last message is definitely insulting you and trying to get a nasty answer back. I wouldn’t dignify it with an answer.

As to the DP “problem “ a simple DP you get way too drunk sometimes and it’s not a good look for you should work. I would suggest every other drink bring alcohol free so he can keep up with the drinks without getting too much.

Beowulfthethird · 19/01/2022 15:24

She's very patronising. She seems to think you should take her advice on board and make the necessary changes, confident that everything's fine because she and her partner do actually like you. The assumption seems to be that you have the potential to wreck this by assuming you're being rejected and backing away as a result. I find that arrogant as you could back off at this point because you don't like the way it's been handled, or you're not prepared to take her advice or for any number of reasons unrelated to whether or not she accepts you.

Having given the advice, she now seems miffed at something in your response and there does seem a passive aggressive edge lurking under all the condescension. I wouldn't personally tolerate it from a friend.

Having said that, I'm really surprised that you are only now disclosing that your dp was an embarrassment when you first met up. She has had obvious and valid reasons for not wanting to hang out with your choice of partner all along!!

I wouldn't and couldn't be with someone who drank to the point of being an embarrassment, especially on a first meeting with my friends and their partners. This is not a good look and I can't think of circumstances where the guy is worth staying with if he has form for this. You shouldn't be putting your friends in that position.

2DogsOnMySofa · 20/01/2022 17:32

Insecurities ?? Cheeky cow!

KeepingAnOpenMind · 20/01/2022 18:01

God I hate couple nights out.
She sounds very passive aggressive and I’d just ghost her.

Crimeismymiddlename · 20/01/2022 18:02

You have two issues, the first is your dp gets pissed and makes meet ups uncomfortable. The second is that your friend is a hypocritical dick, rings you drunk to tell you her and her do don’t like your husband and when you try to cancel sends condescending messages.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 20/01/2022 18:07

@Beowulfthethird But the passive aggressive frenemy is the one angling for couple meet ups. If she thinks OP’s husband is a drunk why is she the one angling for all these pointless dinners?

Bertiebiscuit · 20/01/2022 18:25

Cancel and cease being friends with her and her other half - they sound like dreadful people that you don't need in your life - I live by the principle that one good friend is worth a hundred bad ones - these 2 are Both bad friends to you and your partner, don't waste your time any more

RunningFromInsanity · 20/01/2022 18:30

So your DP gets drunk and ruins nights out. You admitted you prefer just going out the two of you.
Your friend also admitted it and gave a perfectly valid reason why.

And yet she’s the one in the wrong?

Hertsgirl10 · 20/01/2022 18:52

Tell her praps she doesn’t see the irony in complaining about your DP whiles she’s pissed and praps it’s not your insecurities that’s the issue, it’s her and her drinking and judgment that’s the issue.

Go out with your partner Friday night instead.

Hertsgirl10 · 20/01/2022 18:54

Also I don’t drink but I would get shitfaced if I had to spend an evening with her and Iv only seen 2 texts from her 😂

Bobbins36 · 20/01/2022 19:13

That’s horrible. Unfriend that one.

CallmeBadJanet · 20/01/2022 19:14

@WetBlanket69 Cancel, cancel, then cancel. It's ok to change your mind, and you are right to do so. Then change your name on here.

mumpants · 20/01/2022 19:38

Definitely cancel. Sounds horrendous!

Mandyjack · 20/01/2022 19:44

Cancel, if your DP isn't good enough and she doesn't sound like a great friend you've nothing to lose

ChargingBuck · 20/01/2022 19:47

@RunningFromInsanity

So your DP gets drunk and ruins nights out. You admitted you prefer just going out the two of you. Your friend also admitted it and gave a perfectly valid reason why.

And yet she’s the one in the wrong?

Sure she is, @RunningFromInsanity. Because she is sending mixed messages (deiberately?) & bitchy 'concern trolling' texts.

No matter how it played out, OP's partner's inability to handle his boozing is not her fault, & whether she's in denial about it or not, I don't see why PP's are castigating her for it, as if it is.

pompomsgalore · 20/01/2022 19:58

Glad you've cancelled and I'd bin them both off in future.

Passenger42 · 20/01/2022 19:58

Don’t tell your husband the reason for cancelling this meal as it will only upset him. Just drop this woman like a hot brick and never speak or text her again. She sounds like she is making mischief.

Inwiththenew · 20/01/2022 20:04

What a passive aggressive blame transferring bitch! I’d be having a long break from that one. With friends like that….

Alcemeg · 20/01/2022 22:12

Honestly, I think she sounds real. And a good friend. Not sure why you'd take offence at anything she's said?

Alcemeg · 20/01/2022 23:08

@RunningFromInsanity

So your DP gets drunk and ruins nights out. You admitted you prefer just going out the two of you. Your friend also admitted it and gave a perfectly valid reason why.

And yet she’s the one in the wrong?

This! Exactly how I read it, too. Friend sounds like she doesn't do bullshit, which is what I want from a friend.
Lifetheuniverseandeverything · 20/01/2022 23:24

Why the fucking fuck is she pressuring you to go out as a threesome. Fucking weird. Doesn’t do bullshit but will talk about your partner behind his back and tell you he’s a pisshead … while pissed. Weirdo.

swampygirl · 20/01/2022 23:38

I would have been on the phone first thing the next morning cancelling the restaurant booking. I can't see how you can call her a friend. If that was my friend and she had said that to me ii would always be on my mind if we was to meet up in the future. She's no friend and if she contacts you again to meet up make an excuse if you need to. I would be blunt to be honest and just say no.

Original poster
WetBlanket69 · 20/01/2022 23:54

What a mixed bag of responses! I really appreciate your replies and it's definitely given me food for thought, My friend is a person who tells you straight what she thinks which I l've always quite liked in her. She took it too far this time, but at her invitation I've eventually agreed to go round and see her next week. She has been a good friend in the past and she's got some serious family shit going down which I won't go into here. Anyway the Restaurant booking is cancelled and no more foursomes !!!

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 21/01/2022 05:39

I’m on the fence here. Not sure whether friend is being a bit if a cow (as I initially thought) or whether actually, on reading OP’s further posts, is being a true and honest friend and instead of just cancelling or making an excuse to rearrange had the honesty and integrity to tell her why.

In any case, I suspect the real issue is the DP’s drinking