Chemotherapy seems to be making my pregnant partner hate me?

[Sweep89]

I'm completely new here, and to forums in general so forgive me if I'm not as up on the lingo as others. I'm asking this on a forum rather than of friends or family as I want unbiased answers and not just for people to take my side. I also chose mumsnet as I think the predominantly female user base will be helpful.
My partner is 8 months pregnant and is pretty uncomfortable and just generally struggling with being so pregnant. I believe that I've been supportive both emotionally and physically and until recently she's seemed happy. However, I started chemotherapy at the beginning of November and am now getting to the point where I'm starting to struggle with things. This is especially true in the days after treatment but I'm also just generally tired and weak. My hair has started falling out and I'm losing weight pretty fast. I'm still working full time as we need the money, although I'm fortunate to be able to work from home whilst having treatment. The division of labour is the same as it's always been. She cooks and I do the house work and shopping. However, I'm not as quick and have on some days put things like the hoovering off until I feel better.
Recently she has been obviously off with me and has started saying that I'm unsupportive. I've asked her to just tell me what support she needs but she doesn't seem to know. I derive a lot of self worth from being there for my family and it scares me that she would hit me with this at a time when I'm likely to get less able to support her, at least physically. I've expressed that as treatment progresses I will possible be less able to do things on certain days. Her response was that everyone has stress to deal with and they just have to get on with it. Which is true but not particularly relevant. I feel like she doesn't get what's happening here. She's also started behaving weirdly in other ways. Like the day after I've had chemo and am essentially too sick to get out of bed. She's started saying that she has a migraine, or sciatica or indigestion, then getting angry with me for being in bed because she's sick too and needs support. Again, when I asked what supporting her looks like she suggested I could bring her tea.
I'm beginning to get resentful, she's never been emotionally supportive, which is fine, I don't need it. But at this point I'm starting to ask why I should bother went she's never asked me how I feel about anything, never asked if I want tea when I'm sick and is increasingly stomping around the house huffing and puffing. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me without getting angry.
I hope it's just hormones or her being in pain with being so pregnant. But I fear that this is the first time I've needed her and she's not very aware of other people. Maybe this is just her. Or maybe I'm missing something and only seeing it from my perspective. If that's the case please tell me. I accept that the above is my side of events and maybe I'm being selfish not doing more when she's pregnant. I had really hoped to be there for everything. I'm not deliberately withholding support I'm just struggling to keep up with everything at the moment.
I'd really appreciate some outside opinions on this. I would also value your honesty.
Thank you!

And I post that as someone who was hospitalised with HG. Pregnancy is always a choice. Cancer is not.

This has been such an upsetting read. I hope you're okay @Sweep89. How you're being treated is NOT okay. Some fantastic advice above about sitting down and having a chat with you OH about ways to move forward. I hope you get well soon and things get easier for you all.

I'm so sorry your going through this! She is being extremely unreasonable. It could just be hormones, but it's no excuse honestly.

I'm also 8 months pregnant and my mum (who I don't live with) is going through chemotherapy and although I've been in so much physical pain, I've been going out of my way to help my mum. Trying to take her to her appointments, even though she doesn't want me to and making her food... which she never eats due to throat ulcers from her chemo!

Being 8 months pregnant really isn't an excuse, she sounds unreasonable and as though she must have all the attention in the relationship.

I hope things get better, and that your chemotherapy goes well x

She is being massively unreasonable and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Good luck with your treatment

On a completely side note why on Earth is your employer not allowing you to go on sick leave on full pay. You are having chemotherapy!!! Have you spoken to your HR department?!

@Cheesewiz

Can't believe 1% voted yabu. Wtf. Your going through chemo, working full time, doing the housework and shopping. You poor thing, I don't think I could stick around after seeing this selfish side of my partner. How awful for you, I'm sorry ypur going through this with no support

This.

@MandyMotherOfBrian

She’s eight months pregnant and you’re undergoing chemotherapy. I imagine she is absolutely terrified about what the future may hold. You haven’t mentioned your prognosis or how much you have discussed that together. Her reaction may be necessary self preservation. I was literally a week away from giving birth to our first DD when my DH was diagnosed with cancer. We were also in a very precarious financial situation and he was in the middle of an employment dispute for constructive dismissal (we had to settle in the end precisely because of his diagnosis and not being able to continue to fight it). We had also just moved away, across the country away from all of my friends and family. I literally had to leave him to get on with it himself - I simply couldn’t do anything other than look after myself and my new baby and try to block everything else out, I would not have survived otherwise and I couldn’t even begin to think about tomorrow, I could only deal with today. At that moment I had no idea if he was even going to survive and yes, I was bloody angry, but not with him - but I wouldn’t have been able to express that even if he’d been up to discussing it. Two years later, after he recovered, baby no2 and financial security returning, I actually had a breakdown. We discuss the past sometimes and my DH understands perfectly why I had to concentrate on myself and the baby. I only visited him once when he was in hospital, a few days after giving birth, when he was recovering from his first operation to remove a kidney. I also suffered a traumatic delivery - the sort of situation where I should probably have brought a complaint against the hospital, but I couldn’t do that either, I literally had to pretend none of it was happening for the sake of my own mental health. I will be eternally grateful to DH ex wife who basically took charge - liaising with his surgeon and doing the visiting and giving me all the relevant information I needed to know. She even brought me meals for the first week or so or I wouldn’t have eaten. She also gave him the support he needed that I couldn’t do at the time. Is there anyone else who can help and offer you both a shoulder, an ear and just general support?

Thank goodness for the ex wife - what an angel. If I was your H I would never forgive you. When I needed you the most you walked out.

Hi - sorry about your chemo. I think your partner is very selfish and immature tbh. If it is a healthy pregnancy the tasks you describe are not too much of a burden. Hormones make you emotional - irritable tearful but not selfish. One can still comprehend that a spouse is ill/having treatment. I wonder if it is not more deep- seated? Perhaps she is stressed about your cancer, fearful of outcomes for the future with a child on the way?? If she is not a good communicator, then perhaps she is battling to process or express her feelings? But still - you need to put down boundaries and reassure her. You had no control of this illness happening. She is pregnant - not sick. And if she is then perhaps get a cleaner or slack off temporarily. All the best with your chemo.

I wonder if she's scared. It's scary bringing a child into the world and she may not feel able to contemplate the fact that you are vulnerable and may not always be there. She may also be angry that such a thing should happen at what should be a happy time in your lives.
I'm really sorry this is happening. Please do get some help and advice - even someone for you to offload to would help. There are quite a lot of helplines etc. At some point you will need to hammer this out with your partner but I can see why it might all feel too much at the moment. If there are family members you could talk to that might also help.
Take care if yourself.

There’s lots of good advice here already but I would say absolutely definitely get a doula who can come and help at home in early post-natal. Having a newborn and a cancer patient in the same household will make it really hard for everyone for a few months at least: recruit extra help now, say yes to offers of help from family and friends.

I wish you all the best, it must be such an incredibly intense time.

She seems selfish… it’s not your fault you’re feeling rough. You’re going through a lot right now. I have no answer but sending hugs and support

At worst, she's a self uncaring bitch.

At best, she's shit scared, hormonal, angry for feeling unreasonable, angry at the world, angry about her own limitations, possibly (unreasonably) angry with you and angry at herself for it. And doesn't know where to start.

Have you tried actually saying to her why are you treating me like this? Start there. Before therapy, when I was sad or very upset I just couldn't process it so I'd just get very (internally) angry and short with everyone.

I also said pregnancy is not an illness because it isn't. It doesn't have a disease process. Yes there can be complications but it's not an illness.

Bloody hell.

Haven't rtwt but you both need help and support.

Have you family around? Both of you are going through a once (or twice) event of a lifetime and need those close to you pulling together to help.

Things are about to get a whole lot worse when the baby gets here and there is a third, very needy person to consider.

She should be much more considerate of what you're going through but for whatever reason, she isn't a caring nurturing type and you need a fallback plan for a few months.

Out of interest what was her childhood like?

I second the advice to reach out to family and friends for help and even engage professional help such as a cleaner and doula if you need it. I really hope you aren’t just trying to cope with all this as a couple, please speak to your families and get some additional emotional/practical support.

Some people really are crap when dealing with illness-I’m not excusing her behavior, I’m just saying that I’ve seen this IRL and that’s why you need to enlist wider support. I know someone in her 30’s who behaved terribly when her Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Instead of supporting her parents, she made a huge fuss every time she saw them, crying hysterically and basically making it all about her. She made a bad situation worse.

Lots of great points on this thread, I just really hate the pregnancy is not an illness line so many repeat. Pregnancy doesn’t have to be an illness but it can be, and it can be debilitating without being an illness. It can still kill you. A car crash isn’t an illness either but people don’t say that about being in car crashes. I’m 8 months and fine , whatever, I’m not ill, just anaemic, exhausted, insomniac and in pain when I move.
Lots of sympathy for the op by the way, I can’t imagine facing a cancer diagnosis, I also can’t imagine having a baby and getting through those early months without dh support, I really hope you can get some more help from elsewhere between you.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie - good by her own account. Although her dad cheated on her mum and then left and essentially never bothered with her again when she was 14. Which I'm sure was horrible. You think that might have something to do with it?

I didn't have a great childhood either, and find it really hard to be emotionally available, particularly when my partner is vulnerable and needs caring for. Thos is especially true since we have had chosen. I know that makes me sound awful I can assure you I am a really soft hearted person but I just lack the ability to fulfill this role. I am clingy for him, and need him to prove how much he loves me on a daily basis. Luckily, he is such a caring and giving person, and it works for us. You sound caring too, and I wonder if she has much left to give at the moment. IF her dad leaving her has caused simar issues for her, then it doesn't make her lack of concern right or justify it, but it is what it is. She may, totally illogically, see your sickness as you pulling away. But.. you can't help how you are, and need care too.
Do you have family or close friends who can help? Have you money to hire a cleaner, or other help if not?

What I'm saying may have no relevance whatsoever to your circumstances, but maybe...?

Children not chosen

Sorry for typos

SomeCleverPun - Thanks again for taking the time to offer your thoughts. I would guess that being personally effected by the story of a random stranger on the internet probably speaks positively about your character and ability to empathize. However, please don't feel bad. I have a lot of great family and friends and I'm sure this will all work out eventually. I will look into the things you mentioned in your last post. Thanks!

Good luck OP with your treatment and new baby.
Not the same in the slightest, I remember taking my dad for all his chemo when pregnant (both had heads in buckets for different reasons) but the baby was a massive help in his recovery in the end. Wishing you all the best (housework can surely wait at a time like this- always another time for that!!)