Chemotherapy seems to be making my pregnant partner hate me?

[Sweep89]

I'm completely new here, and to forums in general so forgive me if I'm not as up on the lingo as others. I'm asking this on a forum rather than of friends or family as I want unbiased answers and not just for people to take my side. I also chose mumsnet as I think the predominantly female user base will be helpful.
My partner is 8 months pregnant and is pretty uncomfortable and just generally struggling with being so pregnant. I believe that I've been supportive both emotionally and physically and until recently she's seemed happy. However, I started chemotherapy at the beginning of November and am now getting to the point where I'm starting to struggle with things. This is especially true in the days after treatment but I'm also just generally tired and weak. My hair has started falling out and I'm losing weight pretty fast. I'm still working full time as we need the money, although I'm fortunate to be able to work from home whilst having treatment. The division of labour is the same as it's always been. She cooks and I do the house work and shopping. However, I'm not as quick and have on some days put things like the hoovering off until I feel better.
Recently she has been obviously off with me and has started saying that I'm unsupportive. I've asked her to just tell me what support she needs but she doesn't seem to know. I derive a lot of self worth from being there for my family and it scares me that she would hit me with this at a time when I'm likely to get less able to support her, at least physically. I've expressed that as treatment progresses I will possible be less able to do things on certain days. Her response was that everyone has stress to deal with and they just have to get on with it. Which is true but not particularly relevant. I feel like she doesn't get what's happening here. She's also started behaving weirdly in other ways. Like the day after I've had chemo and am essentially too sick to get out of bed. She's started saying that she has a migraine, or sciatica or indigestion, then getting angry with me for being in bed because she's sick too and needs support. Again, when I asked what supporting her looks like she suggested I could bring her tea.
I'm beginning to get resentful, she's never been emotionally supportive, which is fine, I don't need it. But at this point I'm starting to ask why I should bother went she's never asked me how I feel about anything, never asked if I want tea when I'm sick and is increasingly stomping around the house huffing and puffing. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me without getting angry.
I hope it's just hormones or her being in pain with being so pregnant. But I fear that this is the first time I've needed her and she's not very aware of other people. Maybe this is just her. Or maybe I'm missing something and only seeing it from my perspective. If that's the case please tell me. I accept that the above is my side of events and maybe I'm being selfish not doing more when she's pregnant. I had really hoped to be there for everything. I'm not deliberately withholding support I'm just struggling to keep up with everything at the moment.
I'd really appreciate some outside opinions on this. I would also value your honesty.
Thank you!

[CaMePlaitPas]

I second a cleaner/housekeeper, that would really help you both if your budget stretches.

This "bring me a cup of tea" reeks of PFB entitlement, the routine runs flat when you're pregnant with your third The third trimester is uncomfortable though. I remember the migraines, sciatica and indigestion, it's awful. You are both a team though, she has to meet you half way.

[Zombiemum1946]

No matter what you say to a Councillor, it's a safe space. It's somewhere to rant with no consequences, your wife might find that very helpful. I did as did my son.

[CaMePlaitPas]

[quote BillyandMargot]@CaMePlaitPas I'm sorry you have Hg. Does the op say his partner has HG? No. He doesn't. Because she doesn't. She's just a pregnant lady who is treating her partner okie shit. Your Hg is irrelevant here[/quote]
@BillyandMargot Ha, look at you, you're so smart, here I am tail between legs backed into a corner because of your fearsome intellect.

Get over yourself.

[Wannakisstheteacher]

This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read on here. One person is fighting for their life. The other person is doing something which missions of woman go through every year, often with other children and a full time job. I don’t feel a lot of sympathy for the idea that she might recent missing out on a husband running to get her ice cream at 2am!

[saraclara]

Each to their own and all that, but I wouldn't have left my DH to cope on his own under these circumstances . His ex wife sounds more supportive than you

You don't know that. Because you weren't in that position. I agree that the ex-wife was obviously a star, but that all sounds incredibly traumatic for @MandyMotherOfBrian and her DH. There's nothing she could have done while she was undergoing and recovering from a difficult birth, for starters.

[LittleGwyneth]

She is being unreasonable, but I sense it might be because she's terrified about you being unwell, and in mourning for the 'normal' having a baby experience. I think some couples therapy would be a good idea.

Good luck with the chemo, very much hope you're on the mend soon

[oohmamama]

@MandyMotherOfBrian

I would never have thought I would have responded the way I did when this happened to me. But I did. You never know how you’ll respond until it happens to you.

[apricotoreos]

In a way I understand how she feels.
I am heavily pregnant and my husband recently had a major operation as an emergency. As a result I have been doing everything and sometimes I feel frustrated and so does he that he is unable to help me as much as we both would like. For me the hardest thing is the not being able to cuddle as its too painful for him and the fact the pain meds pretty much knock him out so he forgets conversations we have had. Ive taken myself away to cry a few times when I think if I was less hormonal I would have kept it together. I have a mantra of that I'm not frustrated with him, I am frustrated with the situation. Sometimes I need a little while to sort myself out then express to him in a calm way how I am feeling. Its not fair that this happened for either of you but for me focusing on the fact my baby will have a daddy, a daddy who went through so much to be around for us gets my brain back on the right track. A couple of days ago he was having a good day and made me a cup of tea and I melted because I know how much effort it took. Sorry rambling a bit lol.
If you can have a conversation with her when she is calm and talk about how its you both versus the situation rather than versus eachother it might help her reframe the situation in her head? I know you say she isnt often emotionally supportive and you dont mind but you both need emotional support right now and it's not weakness or unmanly for you to express that to her. Could family or friends provide a bit more physical support? Make dinner and run the hoover around to give you both a break? I think maybe she has become a bit wrapped up in her own fear and how unfair it is that this is happening she's taking it out on you and the cup of tea and the hoovering thing are just convenient outlets for those emotions.

This clearly isn't what you both planned but it is what has happened and now you need to deal with it as best you can. You still have plenty to look forward to, times won't always be this hard.

[oohmamama]

Sorry that was for @Mydogmylife

[MananaTomorrow]

To the person who said pregnancy is not an illness you need to check your internalised misogyny

Well Tbf, pregnancy is NOT an illness.
However, pregnancy is often ASSOCIATED with some illnesses such a HG, pelvic pain, MH (ante natal depression) etc…
These are the illnesses, not the pregnancy. And it’s not because they happen only in pregnancy that they are any less debilitating. (Saying so would BE misogynist)

[flippertyop]

She's stressed and frustrated and she's taking that out on you which is unfair but it's what happens. She is absolutely being unreasonable - I wish you well OP

[theremustonlybeone]

Have you got an RL support? Anyone who can help you at home?

Chemotherapy is truly gruelling, my DH ended up in hospital with neutropenic sepsis and nearly died if you and your wife are both struggling she isnt going to be able to support you. Does she even know the risks of chemo? I appreciate she is pregnant and scared but she needs to seek RL support as you are dealing with your own distress. You need to pull together a circle of support as this isnt going to get any better. I would suggest you also speak to the cancer centre about getting joint counselling

[PicaK]

You need macmillan support. You need counselling.
I feel for you. I feel for her.
She must be terrified. You must be too.
She's struggling. Must be wondering how she'll cope with new baby and ill husband.
Do you talk about your feelings regarding the cancer? Both of you?
Her behaviour isn't right - but surely a symptom of distress and grief for what this part of her life would look like.
You both need help and support

[thedancingbear]

The many posts drawing an equivalence between being pregnant, and suffering from cancer and undergoing chemotherapy, make me want to retch. You should all be fucking ashamed.

I normally hate this argument but were the situation reversed (and of course it can't be here, exactly) the other party would be called abusive.

I think you need to recognise that for what it is, OP. And I think you need to seek counsel from a neutral source, ie. not here.

[Dustyplumber]

Aah, you sound so lovely. I wish you all the best for your treatment, it's a really a tough time. You sound so lovely and supportive towards her, and I hope you have friends and family that can look after you too.
What a lovely partner, to keep going, work full time despite losing hair and weight and all the poisoning chemo does.
I hope these messages from people give you a boost during this difficult time x

[BoredZelda]

he many posts drawing an equivalence between being pregnant, and suffering from cancer and undergoing chemotherapy, make me want to retch. You should all be fucking ashamed.

I’m sure they would of anyone had actually done that.

But they haven’t, they have just pointed out that for some, pregnancy, particularly at 8 months isn’t always a walk in the park and actually can be very difficult for some women.

[thedancingbear]

@BoredZelda

he many posts drawing an equivalence between being pregnant, and suffering from cancer and undergoing chemotherapy, make me want to retch. You should all be fucking ashamed.

I’m sure they would of anyone had actually done that.

But they haven’t, they have just pointed out that for some, pregnancy, particularly at 8 months isn’t always a walk in the park and actually can be very difficult for some women.

Yes they have. RTFT.

[Sweep89]

Thank you all for your advice and also for all the kind words. I'm genuinely moved by the number of people who taken time out of their lives to offer advice and support The responses really helped me focus the situation. Whilst I said that she's never really been emotionally supportive (again I've not needed her to be) she is definitely different. She's never been callous or cold or particularly angry until now. Seeing it this way makes me hopeful that it's specific to the situation and that we can move passed it.
I think maybe I just need to accept that any discussion with her about this could involve anger and that it's probably normal to be angry. I'd not really considered that if, that makes sense? Anyway, thank you all again!

[Mydogmylife]

@BoredZelda

She may well be terrified etc etc, but she needs to pull her finger out her butt and stop being such a diva. Being harsh here but really she is pregnant not ill, and her partner is suffering a major illness and is struggling

Unless of course, she has some kind of mental illness, which isn’t impossible given her partner has been diagnosed with what presumably is a life threatening illness while she is carrying their first child.

Op has not indicated that his partner has or had or mental health issues . She may well be terrified but then so may he. Being terrified does not excuse being unkind/unsupportive and dismissing his chemo treatment as being mere 'stress' is cruel

[SomeCleverPun]

@Sweep89, you remind me a bit of me. I get the whole business of being strong and self-sufficient, but in my experience one of the unintended consequences of these characteristics is that some people might not see you when you are in a time of need, people get so used to you being being the 'okay' one that they get miffed that you aren't giving them what they're so used to getting from you, especially if you've never asked for anything back.

I really hope you remember that if you can't be strong and self-sufficient just now, it is not a reflection of your character, it is very much a reflection of the circumstance you're in.

I also respect that you're asking why your partner is angry, not how to get her support. But surely her being less angry (and critical) of you is exactly the kind of support you are wanting just now? Nevertheless, if you want to simply understand why she's angry, then from the sounds of it, I stand by my earlier posts around your dynamics. Look up drama triangle if you haven't already heard of it. You've just changed the status quo moving from being the helpful, strong and self-sufficient person, to the person who is now poorly and needs some help, which means she now needs to move from being the person who is 'looked after and cherished' to something else. It takes people time to adapt to new roles and dynamics in a relationship when something changes. But I still think it's not on for her to demand you make her tea or treat you in a cold or callous way. I don't care what the background reason is, it's just not okay, and I feel angry and sad on your behalf. Honestly OP, I've been a lurker on this board for about 10 years and have posted maybe once or twice in that time, but something about your post has really affected me.

I hope you manage to find a useful way to communicate with her about how you're feeling and help her have much more realistic and kinder expectations of what you can/can't do for her at this moment in time.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@PlantsAndSpaniels

I feel this must be hard for both of you. If she has no prior history of this behavior then I would partly blame it on her pregnancy hormones and being upset about your situation. She is most likely stressed and worried about your future and upset that this isn't the pregnancy either of you hoped for and is taking it out on you in frustration.
Are there any family or friends that could help and support both of you?

Except he says in his post that she has never provided emotional support. Why someone would be in a relationship in the absence of same I don't bloody know but there you go. OPs dynamic sounds very like a couple I know, long story short he eventually went looking for emotional connection and support elsewhere.

[Mydogmylife]

@oohmamama

Sorry that was for *@Mydogmylife*

Fair enough

[oohmamama]

@Mydogmylife

Stop being so reasonable this is Mumsnet

[Mydogmylife]

@CaMePlaitPas

To the person who said pregnancy is not an illness you need to check your internalised misogyny. I've had several weeks of HG and can barely keep water down at the moment. I'm 11 weeks and all I've done really since finding out I was pregnant is move around slowly, sleep and get sick.

However chemotherapy? Sorry, that trumps HG. I'm really sorry you're being treated this way OP x

If that was aimed at me , pregnancy of itself is not an illness. There are obviously associated conditions such as HG which are and I'm sorry you are suffering. OP has not indicated that his wife is suffering in this way. However I'm quite sure that even suffering from HG would not result in you being as callous to your partner as op's appears to be. Misogyny ( from which I do not suffer either internally or any other way , a cheap insult by the way) has nothing to do with it

[Briarshollow]

Nope. Nothing excuses someone behaving the way this woman appears to be. Cancer is terrifying, treatment is utterly gruelling and most importantly, pregnancy is not an illness. It is a natural state.

Pregnancy can be hard but still not an illness. She’s let you down here. Badly.