Chemotherapy seems to be making my pregnant partner hate me?

[Sweep89]

I'm completely new here, and to forums in general so forgive me if I'm not as up on the lingo as others. I'm asking this on a forum rather than of friends or family as I want unbiased answers and not just for people to take my side. I also chose mumsnet as I think the predominantly female user base will be helpful.
My partner is 8 months pregnant and is pretty uncomfortable and just generally struggling with being so pregnant. I believe that I've been supportive both emotionally and physically and until recently she's seemed happy. However, I started chemotherapy at the beginning of November and am now getting to the point where I'm starting to struggle with things. This is especially true in the days after treatment but I'm also just generally tired and weak. My hair has started falling out and I'm losing weight pretty fast. I'm still working full time as we need the money, although I'm fortunate to be able to work from home whilst having treatment. The division of labour is the same as it's always been. She cooks and I do the house work and shopping. However, I'm not as quick and have on some days put things like the hoovering off until I feel better.
Recently she has been obviously off with me and has started saying that I'm unsupportive. I've asked her to just tell me what support she needs but she doesn't seem to know. I derive a lot of self worth from being there for my family and it scares me that she would hit me with this at a time when I'm likely to get less able to support her, at least physically. I've expressed that as treatment progresses I will possible be less able to do things on certain days. Her response was that everyone has stress to deal with and they just have to get on with it. Which is true but not particularly relevant. I feel like she doesn't get what's happening here. She's also started behaving weirdly in other ways. Like the day after I've had chemo and am essentially too sick to get out of bed. She's started saying that she has a migraine, or sciatica or indigestion, then getting angry with me for being in bed because she's sick too and needs support. Again, when I asked what supporting her looks like she suggested I could bring her tea.
I'm beginning to get resentful, she's never been emotionally supportive, which is fine, I don't need it. But at this point I'm starting to ask why I should bother went she's never asked me how I feel about anything, never asked if I want tea when I'm sick and is increasingly stomping around the house huffing and puffing. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me without getting angry.
I hope it's just hormones or her being in pain with being so pregnant. But I fear that this is the first time I've needed her and she's not very aware of other people. Maybe this is just her. Or maybe I'm missing something and only seeing it from my perspective. If that's the case please tell me. I accept that the above is my side of events and maybe I'm being selfish not doing more when she's pregnant. I had really hoped to be there for everything. I'm not deliberately withholding support I'm just struggling to keep up with everything at the moment.
I'd really appreciate some outside opinions on this. I would also value your honesty.
Thank you!

[Silkieschickens]

I am so sorry for what you are going through and that your wife is not being supportive. I am going through cancer treatment and have 2 children and I think she is being very unreasonable.

I do think you are both going through very stressful times and is there anyway you can get more help and support. Like MacMillan may be worth contacting they do a needs assessment including financial. There may be ways of getting more help. I don't qualify for any financial help as have savings but its worth checking, also if your doctor signed you off what sick pay would you get, absolutely do that if you can get full pay or close to it. Even without it would consider it if anyway can do that, your health is the most important thing and I would do everything I could to make sure my husband did not have to work through this if there was anyway possible.

If she say has mental health issues she may feel ill and may not be able to make you tea etc, I can understand that part if that applies and she may well be anxious about giving birth, after the birth, your prospects etc. But the getting angry with you I cannot relate to. Having said that my husband is so much kinder than your wife and does all the cooking, shopping etc but sometimes he gets angry with me. I think that's as he cannot control things and he is scared that cancer will kill me and also there is almost no support for either of us emotionally or practically atm and its too much for both of us. In theory there is support available via the hospital or via GP or 111 option 2 here if in crisis though can take an hour before they answer.

I wonder if one or both of you would be better staying with relatives or friends for a while if that is a viable option so you have support, also ask hospital if there is any support available. And don't be afraid to ask friends, its better to say can you help with x rather than something vague. Please look after yourself and don't feel you need to be a hero doing everything, its very important you stay safe during treatment and I would move shopping to deliveries if you can. Hope things get better and its just hormones.

[BungleandGeorge]

Most pregnant women just get on with it tbh. I suspect this is a character trait and it’s intensified now that you need help and can’t pander to it. Are you insisting on home cooked meals/ perfect house etc? If you’re both exhausted then it’s fine to leave the housework or survive on freezer food. If you’re not insisting on perfection it sounds like she’s letting you down

[TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil]

Do her family know what she's been doing? Because if my sister was treating her seriously ill partner like that we'd be having words
And she's pregnant. She's not ill, she even has the holy grail of pregancies which is not doing the hard slog during the summer months which is hell on earth....... You need to let people know what's happening so they can be on hand when the baby arrives and the real work starts.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I had a challenging pregnancy but I'd take a hundred more of them rather than have to go through what you are going through

It's very callous to treat a chemo patient like this; even more so when they are your partner.

[Slingingcontest]

This sounds to me like fight as in "fight or flight"

She's terrified!

For you, for her and for your baby! For your future life together!

She probably needs some practical and emotional support from outside sources.

A cleaner and a counsellor?

Good luck with your ongoing treatment op. I hope everything works out ok

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Is your partner working?

[Chilver]

Maggie’s Centres offer fantastic support and counselling for anyone impacted by cancer (so for both of you); I’d recommend seeing if there is one near where you live, they really are excellent.

[LampLighter414]

You said she has always not been emotionally supportive, so I guess really you have known that when things end up bad for you, she will not be great at supporting and helping you. This is made worse by the fact she is not in a great position herself, being pregant.

Some of the things you have quoted her as saying sound quite callous. Has she always been the centre of attention of her family? Have you always had an imbalance of duties (working full time + all cleaning seems a lot compared to just cooking the evening meal)? Does she/has she historically worked?

Honestly reads like you're a bit of a doormat who has made her life easier and always doted on her, and when the situation can't continue her true personality shines through.

I have no real advice because it seems you have attempted to communicate with her and she shuts down having chemo as everyday stress and you should just get on with things and continue to be the carer to her, rather than her having to look out for you. It could just be hormones and easier after baby... who knows.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

Yes hormones can make you feel upset and irritable. But they don't make you treat your partner like shit, and that's what she is doing.

Yes she needs support but you're not choosing to not give it to her, you actually cant at the moment. And she seems to be blaming you for it. You are both having a shit time but she seems to want to play the 'who has it worse' game which no one can ever win.

I do think you need to sort this out, otherwise one day you will be very resentful of how she let you down. It might be that she is just a shit uncaring person.

I'd recommend you ask for help to try and take the load off. From friends and family. Be specific as to what you need. Ask someone to cook you a meal. Ask someone to help run errands. Anyone decent would be happy to help if they knew you were struggling. And if you can afford it then pay someone to do cleaning etc.

I'd also recommend counselling, it sounds at best like she struggles to communicate her feelings (possibly because she knows the way she is acting is completely unreasonable)

[Sweep89]

WeeFae - so in reality I'm sort of already working part time. I have infusions on a Tuesday so I tend to do nothing until Friday then try and catch up with as much as I can . I'm planning on going of sick once the baby arrives as I get 3 moths full pay so need to be strategic. Anyway, I hope your treatment goes well, thank you for taking the time to reply!

[SnoopyLovesLucy]

How long have you been together OP and how was it all before you needed chemo?

Are you male and female ?

[CheltenhamLady]

Op, if this is her first child she may be feeling terrified, add into that the fear of what is happening to you and you have a heady mix. I cannot condone her behaviour but perhaps if you think it is coming from a place of fear not of being uncaring?

I would sit down and discuss it on a day when you are both feeling rested and calm.

I would also see if she can get some family/friends support.
Could you access support via Maggies type centre or the Macmillan service?

If you can both see that other one is trying their best but accept that perhaps due to circumstances cannot offer the other what they need at this time, then you have a starting point to improve the situation.

I hope things improve for you OP and that you are able to access the support you need.

[Womencanlift]

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this right now OP. Your partner is being unreasonable without a doubt but how unreasonable it is will be dependent on the real reason she is acting this way

1. She is angry/upset that it’s not all about her right now and is being very immature about it all
   
2. She is scared for the potential future of you being ill or god forbid not around
   

If it’s number 1 then she needs to get a grip and realise that in the grand scheme of things you are in a worse situation than she is. If it’s number 2 then you need to be honest with each other and talk about your fears as well as a lab for the future

As a pp said if I knew my sister was treating her partner like this I would be having words

Best of luck with your treatment

[Womencanlift]

*plan for the future even

[ElftonWednesday]

I think you both need support- perhaps you could speak to a cancer charity.

[GrendelsGrandma]

You need to talk about it all. I'd imagine she's furious that you have cancer, but she can't exactly complain to you about it, so she feels trapped with her feelings. None of this is what either of you wants.

To the people saying pregnancy isn't an illness, I think it can impact people different ways. By the end of mine I was insomniac, carpal tunnel meant I couldn't use my hands, pelvic pain made it hard to walk anywhere, constipation made me miserable. Nothing like as bad as chemo but bad enough to make day-to-day functioning difficult.

It doesn't have to be a hardship competition, you need to make a plan now and see what support you can draw on when the baby comes. If you try to just muddle through it's probably not going to get any easier.

[Blossom64265]

I have been both a cancer patient and a women with an incredibly rough pregnancy and childbirth recovery.


Your pregnant partner is terrified right now. She isn’t handling it well. Even if she has had a relatively easy pregnancy, she is reaching the point where things start to hurt and just getting through her normal day is getting hard. This should be the time she gets to slow down and she can’t. She also sees the looming childbirth, potential complications with a difficult recovery, and caring for a newborn coming. She was counting on having support, not an additional person to care for. She is terrified. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.

You are stuck in just as complicated or a position. You should be resting as much as possible to heal and let your immune system recharge. Instead, you have the responsibilities of impending parenthood. I’m guessing your pretty scared yourself on top of the worries about your illness.

Start by talking to her. Acknowledge that she must be feeling overwhelmed and scared and that it’s ok to feel that way.

From a practical perspective, if it is remotely possible, now is the time to throw money at the problem. Hire a cleaner. Order in meals. Or maybe look into hiring a mother’s helper figure even before the baby is born. Someone who can help with odd jobs around the house, prep a meal, help get things ready for the baby, and then once baby is here, your partner will now that for a few hours a day at least, there will be a second set of hands. I know this is huge money privilege and unlikely to be feasible.

More practically, if you have friends or family who have said “what can we do to help” and you have just taken it as a platitude, now is the time to tell them exactly what you need. Ask for a meal train. Ask for a schedule of helpers for after the baby is born.

[Silkieschickens]

I would go off sick now for 3 months as it sounds like you are both at breaking point, that should still give you both time with the baby and will hopefully give you both more time to rest. If she's 8 months it won't be long anyway and its normally easy to find people to help with babies if you need that further down the line.

[catelina]

I feel for you, it must be awful.

It sounds to me like she's trying to make it a competition for who feels the worst. Obviously pregnancy is a time where ideally you want to be cared for and fussed over, but having a partner undergoing chemo trumps that by a mile - as others have pointed out, she's not ill, you are.

I agree that a cancer charity helpline would be a good place to start in getting some support for both of you.

[AllThePogs]

@Silkieschickens he has said he cant afford to. Most people don't get full pay on sick leave for three months.

[Sweep89]

SnoopyLovesLucy - We've been together just over 3 years and I'm male. Our relationship was good. Like I said she's never been emotionally supportive but I've never needed her to be before so might have just been that?

my concern is that this is the first real challenge we've had and I have no way of knowing if this is a character flaw or her struggling with hormones, pregnancy or a sick partner. However, I think the fair thing to do is give her the benefit of the doubt until I know, right? Surly it would be massively over the top to just declare her a sociopath and walk out. Not considering the impact of that on our son?

[MandyMotherOfBrian]

She’s eight months pregnant and you’re undergoing chemotherapy. I imagine she is absolutely terrified about what the future may hold. You haven’t mentioned your prognosis or how much you have discussed that together. Her reaction may be necessary self preservation.
I was literally a week away from giving birth to our first DD when my DH was diagnosed with cancer. We were also in a very precarious financial situation and he was in the middle of an employment dispute for constructive dismissal (we had to settle in the end precisely because of his diagnosis and not being able to continue to fight it). We had also just moved away, across the country away from all of my friends and family. I literally had to leave him to get on with it himself - I simply couldn’t do anything other than look after myself and my new baby and try to block everything else out, I would not have survived otherwise and I couldn’t even begin to think about tomorrow, I could only deal with today. At that moment I had no idea if he was even going to survive and yes, I was bloody angry, but not with him - but I wouldn’t have been able to express that even if he’d been up to discussing it. Two years later, after he recovered, baby no2 and financial security returning, I actually had a breakdown. We discuss the past sometimes and my DH understands perfectly why I had to concentrate on myself and the baby. I only visited him once when he was in hospital, a few days after giving birth, when he was recovering from his first operation to remove a kidney. I also suffered a traumatic delivery - the sort of situation where I should probably have brought a complaint against the hospital, but I couldn’t do that either, I literally had to pretend none of it was happening for the sake of my own mental health. I will be eternally grateful to DH ex wife who basically took charge - liaising with his surgeon and doing the visiting and giving me all the relevant information I needed to know. She even brought me meals for the first week or so or I wouldn’t have eaten. She also gave him the support he needed that I couldn’t do at the time. Is there anyone else who can help and offer you both a shoulder, an ear and just general support?

[Silkieschickens]

Pogs He does have 3 months full pay sick pay, read his latest update, he is saving it for the baby but he could bring it one month forward and have two months with baby, one month now.

[WindInTheWillows7]

I'm pregnant and I would never use hormones as an excuse to be unkind to someone, especially someone going through chemotherapy.

[saraclara]

You seem to be doing all the sympathizing, all the caring and all the considering here, OP. You're trying to understand what she might be going through without having any expectations of her at all.

The fact that she only refers to your chemo as being a cause of stress is quite shocking..She seems not to understand at all that is taking a huge roll on your body as well.

If it wasn't for the fact that you say she's always been like this, I'd say she was scared. But really it does seem that she has an almost complete lack of empathy.

As someone else pointed out (and with the caveat that chemos are not all the same), in the majority of cases the after effects get worse with each infusion. My DH's had to be stopped 3/4 of the way through because the physical toll was too much, yet the first few had been relatively okay.
Your wife needs to be aware that that could happen, and surely realise that she will have to prioritise you if it does.

I'd definitely contact either Macmillan or your specialist nurse. It sounds like you both need someone to listen to you and guide you through this.