Chemotherapy seems to be making my pregnant partner hate me?

[Sweep89]

I'm completely new here, and to forums in general so forgive me if I'm not as up on the lingo as others. I'm asking this on a forum rather than of friends or family as I want unbiased answers and not just for people to take my side. I also chose mumsnet as I think the predominantly female user base will be helpful.
My partner is 8 months pregnant and is pretty uncomfortable and just generally struggling with being so pregnant. I believe that I've been supportive both emotionally and physically and until recently she's seemed happy. However, I started chemotherapy at the beginning of November and am now getting to the point where I'm starting to struggle with things. This is especially true in the days after treatment but I'm also just generally tired and weak. My hair has started falling out and I'm losing weight pretty fast. I'm still working full time as we need the money, although I'm fortunate to be able to work from home whilst having treatment. The division of labour is the same as it's always been. She cooks and I do the house work and shopping. However, I'm not as quick and have on some days put things like the hoovering off until I feel better.
Recently she has been obviously off with me and has started saying that I'm unsupportive. I've asked her to just tell me what support she needs but she doesn't seem to know. I derive a lot of self worth from being there for my family and it scares me that she would hit me with this at a time when I'm likely to get less able to support her, at least physically. I've expressed that as treatment progresses I will possible be less able to do things on certain days. Her response was that everyone has stress to deal with and they just have to get on with it. Which is true but not particularly relevant. I feel like she doesn't get what's happening here. She's also started behaving weirdly in other ways. Like the day after I've had chemo and am essentially too sick to get out of bed. She's started saying that she has a migraine, or sciatica or indigestion, then getting angry with me for being in bed because she's sick too and needs support. Again, when I asked what supporting her looks like she suggested I could bring her tea.
I'm beginning to get resentful, she's never been emotionally supportive, which is fine, I don't need it. But at this point I'm starting to ask why I should bother went she's never asked me how I feel about anything, never asked if I want tea when I'm sick and is increasingly stomping around the house huffing and puffing. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me without getting angry.
I hope it's just hormones or her being in pain with being so pregnant. But I fear that this is the first time I've needed her and she's not very aware of other people. Maybe this is just her. Or maybe I'm missing something and only seeing it from my perspective. If that's the case please tell me. I accept that the above is my side of events and maybe I'm being selfish not doing more when she's pregnant. I had really hoped to be there for everything. I'm not deliberately withholding support I'm just struggling to keep up with everything at the moment.
I'd really appreciate some outside opinions on this. I would also value your honesty.
Thank you!

Again, OP, bits of your posts are jumping out. That you haven't asked her for anything, you don't want to burden other people, that you're going to work even harder to make her feel special. Why so intent on the martyrdom and subjugation? What is you really desire people to think about you? That you care about others more than yourself? That you're a selfless person? That you're a good partner? Do you want people to admire how much you put your partner first?

If you behave in ways which say 'I'm not important, I don't matter' and then your partner treats you like you're not important and don't matter, you're unsurprisingly going to feel resentful. But what were you secretly hoping for?

You can choose to be an advocate for your own needs, you are not a bad person if you want things or ask for things from other people, you deserve support. But I suspect you will have trouble accepting and believing this, right at the time when you probably most need it.

Hmm. My abusive ex used to behave like this if I was ill. It took the attention away from him/I wasn't paying him attention and he'd always claim to be more ill and get angry. He never once helped with DD when I was sick either. My ex obvs now.

Even if she's not abusive and it's the stage of her pregnancy/she's worried about you I really feel for you OP. Having chemo, still working and having no support. Can you get any help at all?

Just walk away from this thoroughly selfish and unsupportive person.

Get some practical help
Cleaner
Cook meals
Having a newborn won't be any easier
Plan to pay for some help
Plan for some help and support paid for if needs be

Talk to counsellors

I agree with PP's that she's probably terrified. Tbh, I'd be terrified if I was about to give birth and my partner was battling cancer. It's not rational or kind behavior, but people don't behave rationally when they're scared.

I'd focus on your own well-being and let her be grumpy. Your main focus is to get through the next few weeks and have a healthy baby, as well as managing your own treatment as best you can. Good luck

I think you both need some slack. I doubt it's just hormones. Perhaps she's frustrated & disappointed, feeling like this was meant to be a time when she could rely on you... and you're not able to be there for her because of your treatment. Not your fault at all! Just that life is shit like that. It's not fair of her to take it out on you particularly because you're in a vulnerable state too right now. I feel for you both.

Yes, your DW is having a genuinely hard time for all the reasons PP’s say, but my fundamental sympathy is with you. Supporting my DH through an aggressive cancer was the privilege of my life. (Timewise he is still in the window of vulnerability but he is doing as well as possible and the danger lessens every month now.) The idea that you, who sound so caring and fundamentally decent, are not getting the support we are all entitled to when we take our marriage vows, is just wrong. Please figure out how to address this, possibly in counselling. I also agree you need to do everything you can to make your life easy now. Very best wishes

@Viviennemary

Just walk away from this thoroughly selfish and unsupportive person.

...and away from his baby? Come on now...

What has her pregnancy been like?
When we’re you diagnosed?
Pre pregnancy what was she like?

Just walk away from this thoroughly selfish and unsupportive person.

And from the family they have created together……?

For you, for her and for your baby! For your future life together!

She probably needs some practical and emotional support from outside sources.

This is where I am on it. Can I assume that whatever diagnosis you have has come along since you decided to start a family? This kind of situation would put me in a pretty bad headspace. Perhaps her actions are her way of going in to denial, trying to confirm in her head that you’re not really very sick and she isn’t going to have to deal with a newborn baby and an ailing partner at the same time, that she isn’t going to lose you. We can all act in ways we didn’t expect when our lives are turned upside down. Or, she might just actually be selfish and uncaring and you’ve found that out at a pretty inconvenient time. Until you both get your heads in a state to be able to talk it out properly, it’s impossible for you, let alone anyone here to know. The posters calling her names and branding her are uncalled for, this could very well be a mental health issue.

Youre not stressed though your ill her4 comment is out of order

im not saying shesnot in pain or very tired but that will beover soon i dont know how long your treatment or diagnosis is but shes going to have to step up a bit to support you and if shes not ever done that why would she start now

Supporting my DH through an aggressive cancer was the privilege of my life.

Was it in the third trimester of your first pregnancy?

@Viviennemary

Just walk away from this thoroughly selfish and unsupportive person.

Just ignore this daft poster

I’m shocked that she is so uncaring and is mistreating you. The stress of having chemo and working at the same time must be immense and on top of that you cook and clean for your partner.

She is a prize isn’t she, one of the most shocking things I have ever read.

After knowing lots of family and friends with cancer I think your girlfriend is a nasty piece of work pregnant or not! Pregnancy isn't an illness and she doesn't need to have constant attention! You on the other hand should have daily support and love. I would find it hard to forgive her for this.

@SomeCleverPun

Again, OP, bits of your posts are jumping out. That you haven't asked her for anything, you don't want to burden other people, that you're going to work even harder to make her feel special. Why so intent on the martyrdom and subjugation? What is you really desire people to think about you? That you care about others more than yourself? That you're a selfless person? That you're a good partner? Do you want people to admire how much you put your partner first?

If you behave in ways which say 'I'm not important, I don't matter' and then your partner treats you like you're not important and don't matter, you're unsurprisingly going to feel resentful. But what were you secretly hoping for?

You can choose to be an advocate for your own needs, you are not a bad person if you want things or ask for things from other people, you deserve support. But I suspect you will have trouble accepting and believing this, right at the time when you probably most need it.

Yes. It seems that you've never asked anything of her, and don't feel you should. Consequently she doesn't see why you should expect anything of her either.

Did she attend hospital appointments with you? Did the medical team speak to you together about what your needs post chemo infusion would be?
I was involved in all my DH's appointments and the conversations are always aimed at both of us and not just him. Consequently I knew what to expect, what the chemo would do to him and when, and what I needed to do and to consider.
Your wife seems to be acting as if nothing's happening. She needs to be part of the team.

@Westmeathtip

It’s not a justification but this time in her life is when she would ordinarily be being looked after and cherished etc and now due to the chemo that isn’t happening, and she can’t moan really without looking massively unreasonable.

Also at 8 months I was so uncomfortable I wanted to scream so to have the extra responsibility of a poorly partner must be hard.

But more than anything she is facing the biggest challenge of HER life and may feel that there’s a possibility that she’s going to lose you and that is TERRIFYING.

She isn’t being fair, and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

This. It’s not fair but I can understand to an extent. If she isn’t emotionally supportive maybe she is also not very good at expressing (even knowing herself) what her fears are. Again none of this is your fault but I do think it’s something that’s possible to work through

has she ever actually shown caring/compassion before? It might just be a really weird and horrible fault about her personality tbh

I'd be tempted to ask if she's going to wail and try to out - ill the child when it's born if it ever has a cold/earache/chickenpox etc

Sorry if I sound harsh but I find it mind bogglingly insane that she isn't being supportive. Pregnancy isn't THAT bad and definitely not an excuse. I was fed up too at 38 weeks but I was never selfish or unkind to anyone.

I am 7.5 / 8 months pregnant.

YANBU but all the poster blithley telling you she is a monster and disgusting are maybe being unfair although you have said "she's never been emotionally supportive" which is a huge red flag.

For me personally, if this was my DH I would be UTTERLY TERRIFIED and so anxious and stressed and I could see it coming out as resentment and in day to day frustrations but she sounds very cold from what you have said.

You two are going through an incredibly tough time right now - you in particular do need to look after yourself and you need to support each other - it sounds like she is struggling with this. But if she wont meet you half way there is not much you can do.

I would have a proper heart to heart and look to get support where you can (extended family, friends, via NHS and macmillan* etc) for both of you.

But most importantly...
You need to put your own oxygen mask on first make sure you are doing this...

*Although i have found macmillian exceptionally crap in my dealings with them in relation to 3 different relatives with cancer so would reccomend a more local charity if poss.

Why are people justifying her shitty behaviour? She's pregnant not sick, her partner needs her to Step up and posters are saying 'oh be kind to her she's pregnant and worried' doesn't give you permission to be a cunt though

This sounds like a really unfair division of chores. You do all the housework and shopping and she just cooks? Cooking is the easy bit. It's the shopping and washing up that's really strenuous, imo...

If you want to get better do not work yourself into an early grave.
Is there anyone you can move in with that actually gives a damn what you are going through and will help you?

@MandyMotherOfBrian, your story is really very moving.

I guess it does 'take a village' (or whatever) to support a pregnant woman and a partner who is really unwell.

She sounds like a selfish cow who needs to step up and support her unwell partner. Being pregnant is not an Illness, albeit it can make you feel unwell. She sounds like a complete narcissist.

@Antssausagedog completely agree