Chemotherapy seems to be making my pregnant partner hate me?

[Sweep89]

I'm completely new here, and to forums in general so forgive me if I'm not as up on the lingo as others. I'm asking this on a forum rather than of friends or family as I want unbiased answers and not just for people to take my side. I also chose mumsnet as I think the predominantly female user base will be helpful.
My partner is 8 months pregnant and is pretty uncomfortable and just generally struggling with being so pregnant. I believe that I've been supportive both emotionally and physically and until recently she's seemed happy. However, I started chemotherapy at the beginning of November and am now getting to the point where I'm starting to struggle with things. This is especially true in the days after treatment but I'm also just generally tired and weak. My hair has started falling out and I'm losing weight pretty fast. I'm still working full time as we need the money, although I'm fortunate to be able to work from home whilst having treatment. The division of labour is the same as it's always been. She cooks and I do the house work and shopping. However, I'm not as quick and have on some days put things like the hoovering off until I feel better.
Recently she has been obviously off with me and has started saying that I'm unsupportive. I've asked her to just tell me what support she needs but she doesn't seem to know. I derive a lot of self worth from being there for my family and it scares me that she would hit me with this at a time when I'm likely to get less able to support her, at least physically. I've expressed that as treatment progresses I will possible be less able to do things on certain days. Her response was that everyone has stress to deal with and they just have to get on with it. Which is true but not particularly relevant. I feel like she doesn't get what's happening here. She's also started behaving weirdly in other ways. Like the day after I've had chemo and am essentially too sick to get out of bed. She's started saying that she has a migraine, or sciatica or indigestion, then getting angry with me for being in bed because she's sick too and needs support. Again, when I asked what supporting her looks like she suggested I could bring her tea.
I'm beginning to get resentful, she's never been emotionally supportive, which is fine, I don't need it. But at this point I'm starting to ask why I should bother went she's never asked me how I feel about anything, never asked if I want tea when I'm sick and is increasingly stomping around the house huffing and puffing. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me without getting angry.
I hope it's just hormones or her being in pain with being so pregnant. But I fear that this is the first time I've needed her and she's not very aware of other people. Maybe this is just her. Or maybe I'm missing something and only seeing it from my perspective. If that's the case please tell me. I accept that the above is my side of events and maybe I'm being selfish not doing more when she's pregnant. I had really hoped to be there for everything. I'm not deliberately withholding support I'm just struggling to keep up with everything at the moment.
I'd really appreciate some outside opinions on this. I would also value your honesty.
Thank you!

[userxx]

@BillyandMargot

Why are people justifying her shitty behaviour? She's pregnant not sick, her partner needs her to Step up and posters are saying 'oh be kind to her she's pregnant and worried' doesn't give you permission to be a cunt though

Very true.

[sadpapercourtesan]

Honestly, it sounds like a perfect storm . Is it her first baby? She is probably terrified, overwhelmed and feeling (irrationally) unloved and unsupported at what is one of the most momentous times in her life. She knows your chemo trumps her pregnancy every time. She's probably full of hormones, not thinking straight and feeling angry, guilty and scared all at the same time.

You're going through something terrifying, painful and debilitating as well, and it must be made a hundred times worse by the fact that she can't or won't be supportive. I would feel very hurt in your position, despite the fact that I can see some of where she might be coming from. I have nursed an elderly relative through chemotherapy, and words cannot express how shit it made him feel.

Maybe you could have some sort of agreed truce meeting, where you both sit down and agree to talk out how you have been feeling, without any blame or recrimination, with the aim of drawing a line under it and starting again? Whatever the right and wrong of it, you are both suffering and neither of you is getting any support. I agree with a pp that if you can possibly afford it, or have any supportive relatives, getting someone else to pick up some of the slack in practical things might be a good idea, so that you two can concentrate on emotionally supporting one another.

[ancientgran]

I had a 2 year old and was pregnant when my husband had injuries at work, serving police officer, that resulted in him being permanently disabled. I had to do alot for him, and still do, I had to carry my bag into hospital when I was in labour but no way would I have been nasty to him about something he couldn't help.

She might be upset she might be worried but I think her behaviour is awful. I hope you are OK and get some support.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Some people are a bit selfish & they usually manage to end up with partners who adore them much more than they deserve.

I’m so sorry your going through this, it’s so scary.

[MrsTrumpton]

Firstly, I'm sorry for your cancer diagnosis and that it's overshadowing what should be a time of excitement and happiness for you and your partner. I do understand where she is coming from a bit – when our baby was three months old, my partner was diagnosed with cancer and started treatment and it was really tough. He was wiped out, so of course I did the bulk of care, night feeds etc, and sometimes I would feel resentful. But I never behaved as your partner is now and frankly she's being inexcusably selfish. However, I agree give her the benefit of the doubt and you should both talk to Macmillan – you need support but in different ways to deal with your diagnosis and what it means. She may actually be terrified she's going to lose you and is hiding it under all her huffing and tutting. Have you tried actually talking to her about it?

[Cameleongirl]

@BillyandMargot

Why are people justifying her shitty behaviour? She's pregnant not sick, her partner needs her to Step up and posters are saying 'oh be kind to her she's pregnant and worried' doesn't give you permission to be a cunt though

Being pregnant is just the start of it though. She's having a baby whom she'll be raising with a sick partner...perhaps even a partner who's not going to be around. The OP hasn't given details of his condition, he could be unlikely to survive.

Yes, she should be supporting him, but I can also see that she's possibly facing a bleak future and is currently resentful/scared. It's not nice, but it's a human reaction.

[SailingNotSurfing]

Is she ignoring the fact you have cancer as a coping mechanism perhaps? The possibility of being a widow with newborn baby must be terrifying. Obviously there's every chance of you making a full recovery and becoming cancer free once the treatment has finished.

You must ask for additional help, both for you and for your wife and unborn child. Ask Macmillan, ask the oncology team at the hospital, speak to family and friends. Keep yourself rested and stressfree.

When I had chemo (7 years ago) there is absolutely no way I could have carried on working, you are a super star for keeping the job going. Not many people could.

Wishing you well and sending healing vibes

[Greenpeaks]

@saraclara, unfortunately COVID may be limiting the degree of spousal involvement in even in cancer appointments. I used to attend the discussion portion of DH’s screening exams (and like you I was involved in the treatment plan). Since COVID his appointment letters specify he should attend alone. Recently when I was invited to breast clinic after routine screening, fortunately a false alarm, staff made DH wait for almost 4 hrs in the car even though the letter said I could bring him.

@BoredZelda I did begin by expressing implicit sympathy for the OP’s wife.

[PeopleBakwas]

15:54MandyMotherOfBrian

His ex wife sounds like a wonderful person.
Not many people have hearts that generous.

[DaisyBD]

My DH has cancer and so do I. I have to say I have found it a lot easier being the person with cancer, even though mine is more aggressive and harder to treat than his and the treatment has been much worse (not that it's a competition, although if it is then I'm winning ). When you are the one with cancer all the focus is on you - your treatment, your appointments, your plan... everything is mapped out. Yes it's fucking rough having surgery and chemo and radiotherapy (fortunately I didn't have to carry on working as my boss is an angel and has paid me in full while I've been off). However - and it's a bit shameful to admit this - there have been aspects of it I enjoyed - being the centre of attention for one, or rather realising that I have amazing friends who really love me and support me and care about me.

The stress of having a partner with cancer is really, really hard - I wouldn't underestimate that - and I can't imagine negotiating that while eight months pregnant with my first child. As PPs have said, she must be absolutely terrified - not just at the prospect of potentially a future without you, but no-one knows what cancer will bring and I know for one I would be really shit at looking after someone full time, let alone if I had a tiny baby too.

Yes, on the face of it she's being unreasonable, and it's not fair. But if you have always said you don't need emotional support perhaps she's struggling to know how. You're both having a horrible time and it's hard to be gentle with someone when it's shit for both of you. Please don't ambush her at a midwife appointment but perhaps look into getting both practical help and some emotional support such as counselling. I bloody love my therapist and I'm sure she's saved my marriage.

[FrankGrillosWrist]

This probably sounds quite ridiculous but people do actually get jealous of your cancer.

Partners can't always cope with it, so refuse to discuss it.

Have a look on the Macmillan Online Community, you'll get lots of support on there.

All the best to you, that treatment's your worst mare!

[Toanewstart22]

Just too many questions to give a genuine response op

[Nomoreporridge872]

I’ve not RYFT but I have read all the OP’s posts. Have you lined up any help for after the baby is born? Like a doula? It sounds like you both need support right now and having a newborn is usually a bit of a shock so your unit is going to need all the help it can get

[Getyourjinglebellsinarow]

She's behaving horribly. Yes pregnancy is hard and you expect your partner to be doing more for you especially later on. But someone needs to give her a thick ear. You presumably have cancer and are going through horrendous treatment. Cancer trumps pregnancy unfortunately for her and she needs to sucking it up a bit and supporting you.

[RobotValkyrie]

Your situation sounds horrible. Your partner sounds really immature, needy and self-centered.

Pregnancy is no walk in the park, but I'd take being 8 months pregnant over chemotherapy any day!

Do you guys have family around who can help? Not trying to sound pessimistic, but you're both really gonna struggle with a newborn, both physically and emotionally.

One last word of advice: please don't go all "hormones, eh?", whenever trying to make sense of your partner's feelings and behaviour. It's a lazy (and vaguely dehumanising) assumption that a pregnant women's brains are entirely ruled by her pregnant body. Just like it would be insulting to suggest that anything you feel our think right now is all down to "chemo-mood", or whatever. Human beings are a bit more subtle than that.
Most likely, it's the very real physical situation you are both in that mainly drive your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. Chemical changes on top just makes it a bit harder to cope with what is already there.

[Sweep89]

SomeCleverPun - So you are partially right in your assessment. Its incredibly important to me to be a strong person and to be able to support myself and the people I care about. However, that's not for the benefit of anyone but myself and I disagree that trying to be self sufficient is cause for others to view me as less important. It probably does take me to long to seek support but I would emphasize that I'm not asking how to make my partner more supportive. I'm asking advice on why she seems to be angry and whether it's likely to pass and possible ways forward. Thank you for your advice though!

[LeeHarper5]

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer it soon became clear it was extremely aggressive and he wasn’t going to recover from it.

I supported him emotionally and through his treatments, hospital appointments etc but I also started preparing myself for him deteriorating and planning for how my future might look with a young child to care for.

I suspect your partner could be dealing with anticipatory grief as well as her pregnancy hormones. By grief, I don’t mean she thinks you’re going to die but she’s possibly grieving the fact that this should be the happiest time of your lives but the reality is you are ill, going through chemo, and she’s probably worried sick about you (even if she doesn’t show it), whilst also worrying about coping with a new born and the emotions that will bring too.
She’s probably feeling angry too. Angry that this is happening to you, angry that at a time when she’s feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable she’s having to be ‘strong’.

You are both under a lot of stress and I think you need to cut each other some slack, sit down and have an open and honest conversation. Definitely speak to the midwife and Macmillan as I’m sure they’ll have some experience in this and if they don’t could probably point you in the right direction.

I think people calling her a bitch and selfish are being harsh quite frankly and I hope she’s not on here to read that.

Going forward, I hope your treatment and the rest of the pregnancy goes well.

[blyn]

Sweep, I do hope your chemo is successful and wish you all the very best.

[Runningwithoutstopping]

You have both got so much going on what a difficult time for you both. I finished chemo last year and when you get a cancer diagnosis is like having a 'bomb' explode in your life.
The draining effects of chemo leave you unable to support yourself physically and emotionally so don't feel bad about not being able to support your partner. You need and deserve support. You need someone to make your tea,plump your pillows,bring food when our can bear it and most importantly hold your hand when it's all too overwhelming.
She needs that aswell its a lot of major life changes, is their any trusted friends or family that could support both of you.
I found the support that I received from charities helpful Macmillan were really helpful in sorting out the practicalities such as benefits .
I have ovarian cancer so Ovacome helped me you will find a charity specific to your cancer. Finally there is a cancer support thread on mumsnet which I found a life line lots of support, advice and virtual hand holding on there.
Good luck with your treatment

[schoolsoutforever]

This is appalling. Being pregnant is not an illness and, whilst it can be quite uncomfortable for some, it generally isn’t something that warrants special treatment (aside from the obvious stuff). If the two of you don’t have any children (yet) then I can’t see the issue on her part; if you did then it is harder work admittedly. Like others I think she’s being selfish. My advice would be to write down how you truly feel, tell her how much you love her, and would like to support her but explain why that at the moment that you aren’t able to be there as much as you can (personally I’d be much less tactful to the selfish mare but I can see that you want to be kind to her).

[howsoonisbedtime]

@Sweep89

Hi op. Our situation was a bit different in that my DP was getting sick (due to tumour) during our pregnancy and then started cancer treatment when we had a new born.

Obvs I was recovering from an emcs trying to breastfeed and generally leaky and feeling crappola in the way of many mums postpartum. My needs came second, naturaallly, mainly bc cancer treatment beats c-section in the rock-paper-scissors of the shitness of illness.

I'm just here to offer a little ray of light, we had a fucking horrendous time, in a similar level of utter crappiness like you both are experiencing. But cling on to the relationship, it nearly broke us mentally and financially, the works (the pandemic, sheilding etc) but we are still soldiering on a few years later.

Cling on! Forgive each other. Every time. We kept saying "nothing counts in this year" in terms of things we said in argument.

Sorry for the essay, but we found parenthood and cancer such a lonely desolate place I wanted you both to know there's hope..most cancer services seem geared up for people at a different point in life, older people (as opposed to those with bumps or babes in arms- it's just a different set of challenges)

You might be broken and maybe broke too, like us, but the baby will give you so much joy. If you have any help from anywhere grab with both hands.

Good luck.

Also pls don't take offense at any of the above, just trying to help in some way.

[MumW]

YANBU. Yes she is tired, yes she is uncomfortable but her body is doing something nature intended it to do whereas yours has gone rogue and is being poisoned within an inch of its life.
She needs more compassion and to care for you on the days you need it. I hope I'm wrong, but I think she is showing you who she is...

[RainbowBriteUk]

@Sweep89 She sounds awful and what she is doing is emotionally abusive. Would you consider leaving her or at least until she learns to appreciate you more? I'm sorry about the cancer. Sending lots of hugs to you.

[cookiemonster2468]

You're both going through a really complicated time.

She's 8 months pregnant, and you're both about to have your lives turned upside down by a newborn.

Add onto that your chemotherapy, and it would be absolutely amazing if you weren't feeling a strain on your relationship.

I think you both need to go a bit easier on yourselves and also on one another. It sounds like she is being hard work, however she is probably terrified about you being ill and also having a newborn. It's not OK for her to treat you badly, but she must be going through a hell of a time as are you.

Have you considered some couples counselling? It might help you both to communicate in a more positive and productive way, and could help you get through this really tough time. You are both going to need each other. Good luck whatever you decide.

[Mumtofourandnomore]

When the baby arrives it will also be stressful - I think it would be a good idea to take some sick leave now, to have some quality time with your partner before your son arrives. Hopefully this will improve your relationship and reduce the friction between you - a reset, if you like.

My second point is that maybe she doesn’t realise how ill you feel if you are still managing to work. It sounds like you are trying to persevere with your normal life in terms of work, domestic duties and support, and so maybe she just doesn’t realise that it’s such a struggle.

I think honest communication is the key to most things, it’s a difficult transition to parenthood.