Chemotherapy seems to be making my pregnant partner hate me?

[Sweep89]

I'm completely new here, and to forums in general so forgive me if I'm not as up on the lingo as others. I'm asking this on a forum rather than of friends or family as I want unbiased answers and not just for people to take my side. I also chose mumsnet as I think the predominantly female user base will be helpful.
My partner is 8 months pregnant and is pretty uncomfortable and just generally struggling with being so pregnant. I believe that I've been supportive both emotionally and physically and until recently she's seemed happy. However, I started chemotherapy at the beginning of November and am now getting to the point where I'm starting to struggle with things. This is especially true in the days after treatment but I'm also just generally tired and weak. My hair has started falling out and I'm losing weight pretty fast. I'm still working full time as we need the money, although I'm fortunate to be able to work from home whilst having treatment. The division of labour is the same as it's always been. She cooks and I do the house work and shopping. However, I'm not as quick and have on some days put things like the hoovering off until I feel better.
Recently she has been obviously off with me and has started saying that I'm unsupportive. I've asked her to just tell me what support she needs but she doesn't seem to know. I derive a lot of self worth from being there for my family and it scares me that she would hit me with this at a time when I'm likely to get less able to support her, at least physically. I've expressed that as treatment progresses I will possible be less able to do things on certain days. Her response was that everyone has stress to deal with and they just have to get on with it. Which is true but not particularly relevant. I feel like she doesn't get what's happening here. She's also started behaving weirdly in other ways. Like the day after I've had chemo and am essentially too sick to get out of bed. She's started saying that she has a migraine, or sciatica or indigestion, then getting angry with me for being in bed because she's sick too and needs support. Again, when I asked what supporting her looks like she suggested I could bring her tea.
I'm beginning to get resentful, she's never been emotionally supportive, which is fine, I don't need it. But at this point I'm starting to ask why I should bother went she's never asked me how I feel about anything, never asked if I want tea when I'm sick and is increasingly stomping around the house huffing and puffing. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me without getting angry.
I hope it's just hormones or her being in pain with being so pregnant. But I fear that this is the first time I've needed her and she's not very aware of other people. Maybe this is just her. Or maybe I'm missing something and only seeing it from my perspective. If that's the case please tell me. I accept that the above is my side of events and maybe I'm being selfish not doing more when she's pregnant. I had really hoped to be there for everything. I'm not deliberately withholding support I'm just struggling to keep up with everything at the moment.
I'd really appreciate some outside opinions on this. I would also value your honesty.
Thank you!

I suspect she’s just stressed out. She’s about to give birth which is stressful enough but also dealing with the fact her husband has cancer and is going through chemo. I think she’s lashing out because she’s worried about you, worried about how little you’ll be able to support her when the baby is born and part of it may also be because it’s taken the shine off her pregnancy and general excitement. It obviously isn’t your fault whatsoever but I can understand her perspective too.

If you can pay for some help with cleaning that will remove some burden from you both. Do you have a supportive family and friends who can help too?

I got cancer WHILST I was pregnant and had a horrific pregnancy and then horrific few years of chemo/ surgery etc and I still think she is being very unreasonable. I imagine though it’s what other posters have said - she is resentful that she isn’t the centre of attention and being cosseted. In her defence she probably isn’t even conscious of this and the behaviour is coming from her sub conscious and may take some unpacking with both of you talking it out. She is probably also terrified she will be a single parent - that was a huge factor in my DH behaviour around this time and fuelled his behaviour for at least 3 years post my treatment ending.
Best wishes with your treatment and the birth of your child.

Have you had any conversations where she has suggested you may need time off work to rest and be able to look after yourself (and by extension your family) and you're giving your best to work rather than home and have nothing in the tank at home?

I agree that you need to speak to your medical/nursing team about practical and financial support. As pp have said, some help with cleaning or shopping could make a difference.

I'm on your side here. That's dreadful from her. Pregnancy can be horribly tiring and I get that she's probably sore and stressed but you are her partner and you are having chemotherapy, presumably as part of a hopefully life saving treatment for cancer. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe your illness and what it could mean in a worse case scenario is not something she's willing to confront so perhaps she's minimising what you're going through so she can convince herself it's not that bad. That's me being kind, because I cannot fathom how she can look at you and not desperately want to help you in some way. Some people are very selfish and sometimes, things like pregnancy or someone else's illness bring that colour right to the surface.

You will know far more than anyone posting here if your wife is typically avoidant or typically selfish. But no matter which, you need proper support. She probably does too, so who can help you both individually?

The other thing I would plan for is that you are likely to feel worse the more chemo sessions you have. I felt terrible after sessions 5 and 6.

Her response that everyone has stress to deal with and they just have to get on with when you said that due to chemo possibly you'll be less able to do things on certain days is incredibly callous. The next time she complains about being heavily pregnant I'd be tempted to repeat that back to her.

Do you have any family you could move in with during your treatment? I think I would be leaving your partner to it. Yes I realise there is a child involved but you are currently undergoing chemotherapy to save your life.

Maybe she is overwhelmed and frightened but I'd be expecting a bit more support. I lived through my husband and son having cancer a couple of years apart and it was a dreadful time but I didn't treat them like she is treating you. (They both survived.)

Can you get a cleaner in to take some of the stress off you? Can you get the shopping delivered if you order online?

People have suggested you should talk to her but I am not sure that is going to work if she won't talk to you without getting angry.

I hope your treatment goes well.

Stress during pregnancy can lead to pnd afterwards so it’s vital you both get professional support. It might help to talk about what happens after the baby is born - the stress of things like mat leave / her returning to work / your prognosis is much easier to deal with when it’s all being planned for. In the meantime, if you can get afford it, you could purchase the services of an independant mw or doula to help her from now until a few months after the birth.

She is being massively selfish and uncaring but giving her the benefit of the doubt she is probably terrified both of the birth and you possibly not being there in the future.

Yes women go through massive changes during pregnancy (been there) but that doesn't give them carte blanche to disregard another's fears, feeling and ill health. I don't agree with treating pregnancy like an illness or the woman as a delicate little flower to to be looked after, not in the face of a partner with cancer. Which I'm afraid it sounds like she is being if her only comeback was to make her a cup of tea and give your comments about about being unavailable emotionally anyway.

You will only be able to solve this by communication, talk to her about how you feel and stop trying to carry on like all is normal. Why are you working through chemo? Surely you're entitled to sick leave?

If she needs more support then she could ask her midwife. Given the situation I'd have thought they'd be keeping an extra eye on her? Do you have a nurse you could turn to as well?

I hope you both find a way through together and it is just fear on her part not that you're finally seeing her true colours.

I feel this must be hard for both of you. If she has no prior history of this behavior then I would partly blame it on her pregnancy hormones and being upset about your situation. She is most likely stressed and worried about your future and upset that this isn't the pregnancy either of you hoped for and is taking it out on you in frustration.
Are there any family or friends that could help and support both of you?

The thing that jumped out at me is you saying she doesn't normally emotionally support you but that's fine because you don't need it. I don't believe for a second that you don't. You may have gotten used to subjugating your own emotional needs to favour hers, or perhaps your emotional needs were 'fulfilled' by being there for her. But in this instance you're not in a position to operate from the dynamic that might previously have been the norm for you both. It is not unreasonable to expect your partner, in general to treat you with mutual care, respect and consideration. It is unreasonable to expect a partner to magically begin to treat you this way overnight though, when that's not previously been the norm you accepted. You may think that because you've been there for her normally that you've somehow 'banked' that emotional debt and now you want repaid, but that's an unrealistic expectation to have of someone who until this point you perhaps haven't held to this.

You could start introducing this expectation now but I suspect with the upheaval you are both currently experiencing, it will be a very tricky time to start also changing the fundamentals of your relationship on top of everything else. I suggest in the short term try to recognise that your needs are also important, that you actually have emotional needs just like everyone else, that you're no less worthy a human if you can't be there for others sometimes, and that it is not unreasonable to want some care and consideration. However, your partner might not be in a position to do this for you right now, and you might need to enlist other people to help you both out, emotionally or practically. In the long run, though, I would strongly urge you to ask yourself where/when on earth you learnt you didn't need support from others and that your worth is only based on how much you can give others. Because it isn't true, no matter how much you've built your sense of self around this premise.

I don't want to speculate as to motives or reasons, as you're both in difficult and challenging circumstances. What would make life easier for you both? You're both tired and struggling physically and this won't get much easier once the baby arrives. Can you afford to buy in some help? Maybe a cleaner or some easy meals - so that the load for cooking and shopping is reduced?
Good luck with your treatment and congratulations on the baby.

This is awful to read op. Pregnancy is not an illness and barring initially nausea and tiredness later on, it is completely manageable.

The priority should be you and she sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative the way she is trying to make it all about her. No, hormones don't affect your ability to be a kind compassionate person.

Have you anywhere else you could go to have a break from her?

I'm seconding anyone who is suggesting that it might be helpful to talk to your assigned Clinical Nurse Specialist as they can be tremendously helpful about these issues and they truly want to learn about what's happening at home and in your relationship so that they can support you.

Depending on the cancer, there are some outstanding patient organisations with nurse-led and peer-support helplines. Some offer support for families and partners with closed groups, online meetings, and lots of practical help.

You're working full time and doing chemo? Bloody hell, I take my hat off to you OP. You poor thing. She's behaving like an arsehole.

I have not read the whole thread but I have (at different times in my life) both been pregnant and had chemotherapy (including my hair falling out etc).
I totally relate to everything you say about the chemo wiping you out - it really does completely do that. And for me the chemo was way harder than being pregnant and having a baby (I realise everyone is different but that was the case for me).

What a difficult situation. I agree with PP that you need to see if you can ease some of the housework, with by getting a cleaner or buying some easy meals.

Are you sure you want to keep working full time? Obviously your sick pay plays a part in this for you but I'm not sure you need the additional stress of work on top of everything else.

Pregnant or not, she's acting like a full of selfish fucker. Has she always been like this towards you?
Your having chemo and she's making it about her! If I was you, I'd leave and go for joint custody when the baby is here.

She sounds like a selfish bitch tbh. Yes she pregnant, going through changes herself yada, yada, yada but she’s not disabled. Millions of women get pregnant and have babies. You are going through chemotherapy.

She might be absolutely terrified that the father of the baby she's about to have is seriously ill and how the hell is she going to cope. She might be terrified that she could be left alone to raise the baby. She may be emotionally unsupportive because she doesn't know how to handle her own feelings, let alone yours, when you have cancer and she's pregnant.

I would expect that you have been very absorbed in your chemo and coping with everything that has been thrown at you and feeling like you need a lot of support and she is very absorbed in her pregnancy and feeling like she needs a lot of support and neither or you really feels emotionally strong enough to support the other as they need. You're both out of spoons.

It's all about communication, but if she won't talk that makes things very difficult. Have you said simply 'you've seemed very unhappy since I've started chemotherapy, are you feeling overwhelmed?' It could be a way to get her to open up about what is going on for her. Counselling might also help with trying to unravel her emotions and how she is feeling and how you are feeling and how you can communicate better.

Initially I thought she is likely behaving like this because she is terrified of losing you and raising a baby on her own. Then you mentioned she has never been emotionally supportive. It doesn’t really matter that you feel you don’t need this support because when you love someone you can’t help but give it anyway…unless you are a sociopath & pregnancy does not make you a sociopath.

I have a 5 week old baby so it wasn’t long ago that I was 8 months pregnant. It was tough but I managed to make myself cups of tea. I was still working in an animal rescue centre at the time. Scrubbing kennels, walking dogs etc. I also had sciatica, pelvic pain, indigestion etc.

Sadly things don’t get easier once you’ve given birth, they get harder. Newborns are tough. Hormones are not an excuse. I was hormonal but I wasn’t 24/7 an unreasonable, selfish cow. You can’t put this all down to hormones and hope it’ll go away once the baby is hear. There’s something else at play.

Thank you all for you're replies. They have already been a great help. I think maybe we are both getting into a negative head space and if I'm starting to feel resentful maybe she's picking up on that and it's like a downward spiral. I will make an effort to show her that I understand she's struggling and make her feel special. Maybe that will break this cycle we seem to have found ourselves in. If not I will try and speak to someone else. If I bring it up at an appointment it will have to be with the midwife as she's still not allowed to come to my appointments due to covid. Although I worry that doing this is a bit ambushy?
I think she might be resentful too that she's essentially been robbed of being the centre of attention when pregnant, however I think we can still focus on that. That's far more positive and enjoyable than focusing on my being ill. Maybe she'll be more open to talk if I couch it in the above terms?
Thanks again!

So sorry this is happening OP, disgusting behaviour from her. She’s pregnant not ill ffs.

You deserve better.

Please look in to Claiming for PIP payments which you are entitled too as your body needs you to slow down now for the new healthy cells to regenerate properly